The Overlap of Unity and Love

Everything changed in March when our first grandchild, Emmett, arrived. It’s hard to describe the joy this little guy brings simply by existing. We’re blessed that Abigail and Tyler live only ten minutes away, allowing us to see Emmett multiple times a week and watch him grow.

As I see him discover the world, I think about what’s happening in his brain. He doesn’t understand words yet, but his mind is forming connections at an astonishing rate. One day, he will know what hands are, what stars are, and what a house is. It’s a beautiful reminder of how we’re wired to learn and adapt.

Naturally, my screensaver is a picture of Emmett. Every time I see it, I think, I love that little guy. But what does this have to do with influence?

Robert Cialdini’s principle of Unity teaches that we are more likely to say “yes” to those with whom we share a deep bond—a shared identity. Nowhere is that bond stronger than in families, where we share the same genetic makeup.

There are things we’ll do for family, even for relatives we don’t particularly like, that we would never consider doing for friends. You’d likely donate an organ to a family member before you’d consider doing so for even your closest friend. We’re wired this way to ensure our family lines continue, and it’s why unity creates such powerful influence.

I believe Unity is the principle of influence that most closely aligns with love. Not the romantic kind, but the biblical kind of love, defined as putting another’s well-being ahead of your own. Parents would rather suffer themselves than see their children suffer. It’s the highest form of sacrifice, and I believe it’s built into us by God.

With Emmett, this becomes clear in new ways. Babies are completely dependent on others for survival, yet they bring us joy without having to do anything. Their simple existence is enough.

While I don’t wish away a moment of these early days, I look forward to the day when Emmett can speak and begin to understand the world. I want to pass on to him the lessons I’ve learned about life, faith, and ethical influence—just as Jane and I did with Abigail when she was born.

Back then, our desire was to pour the best of ourselves into Abigail while helping her avoid the mistakes we made. I believe if we can do this with our children, the world becomes a better place, one person at a time.

Three decades later, we have the opportunity to do the same with Emmett. The challenges of 2025 are different from those in 1995, but human beings are still wired the same way. Despite technological advances, the human brain hasn’t changed in any significant way for more than 30,000 years. Emmett is working with the same hardware you and I have.

The opportunity to teach him how to influence people ethically, how to navigate life’s challenges, and how to walk with God excites me more than I can express.

None of us will live forever, but parts of us live on through our children and grandchildren. As we share what we’ve learned, they carry those lessons forward. In that sense, we all continue on—if we choose to instill in those we love the wisdom we’ve gained.

Much like influence, everyone understands this truth at some level, but few approach it thoughtfully and intentionally. I encourage you to think about those you love:

  • Are you actively instilling in them the best parts of yourself?
  • Are you sharing the lessons that will help them live happy, fruitful lives?

If not, there’s no better time to start than today. Unity and love aren’t just abstract concepts; they are the quiet, daily opportunities we have to leave a meaningful legacy—and influence the world for the better, one life at a time.

What’s one lesson you hope to pass on to those you love? Share it below—I’d love to hear it.

Do you want to see more of this kind of comparison? Take a look at this sneak preview from my upcoming book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Quarterly Newsletter – Summer Updates

I hope your summer is off to a great start and that you’ve got some fun planned with family and friends. For us, the past few months have revolved around two things: a trip to Europe and our grandson, Emmett.

If you saw my post in early June, then you already know about our time in France and Switzerland—it was AMAZING! If you ever get the chance to go, don’t pass it up. In case you missed it, here’s the link.

Jane and I absolutely LOVE being grandparents. Everything people told us about grandparenting is true. The first picture of Emmett was taken on Father’s Day. Every time I see a photo of him, I think, “I love that little guy!”

   

You’re halfway through the year—time flies! I hope the second half of 2025 exceeds your wildest expectations, both personally and professionally.

Warm regards,

Brian

What’s Influence PEOPLE all about?

✅ Why – Help you enjoy more professional success and personal happiness.

✅ How – By teaching the science of ethical influence.

✅ What – Speaking, writing, training, coaching, and consulting.

✅ Who – Leaders, salespeople, business coaches, insurance professionals, and more.

Here’s What’s New…

Speaking

This quarter, I had the opportunity to work with Selective Insurance agents in New Jersey. What a fantastic group! They came with a wealth of experience and an openness to new ideas. Much of my remaining time has been dedicated to a cohort from the Cialdini Institute.

Writing

My upcoming book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet, is on track for a fall release. It explores the connection between Dr. Cialdini’s principles of influence and spiritual truths. To ensure we stay on track, I’ve teamed up with my book coach, Barbara Grassey. If you’re thinking about writing a book and going the self-publishing route, I highly recommend contacting Barbara!

As mentioned in my last newsletter, the writing is complete. I’m currently seeking endorsements and going through the editing process. Dr. Cialdini had this to say:

With this book, Brian Ahearn provides a marriage of spiritual inspiration and psychological illumination that is matchless in my experience.

Want a sneak peak? Click here for a short preview.

In Case You Missed It…

Here are two recent podcast episodes you might enjoy:

DDDM.FM Podcast – Mastering Influence in Sales

DDDM stands for Data-Driven Decision Making, a great context for discussing the science of influence. I joined host Lukasz Schab to explore research-backed ways to boost sales and improve the bottom line. Click here to watch and listen on YouTube.

Sales Reinvented – Feel, Felt, Found

Sales performance coach Paul Watts invited me to discuss objection handling. I shared insights on the “feel, felt, found” approach and how lessons from improv comedy can enhance sales training. Paul also asked for three do’s and three don’ts when facing objections. To listen in on the conversation, click here.

Best of…

Below are recommendations for you when it comes to your reading, listening, and watching pleasure. I’m confident you’ll have some new ideas from each listed resource just as I did.

Read

Scarcity: The New Science of Having Less and How it Defines Our Lives was written by Sendhil Mullainathan and Elder Shafir. As a follower of this newsletter, you likely understand the principle of scarcity—we value things more when they’re rare or diminishing. But why is that? The authors explain how scarcity affects our thinking and decisions, especially for those facing poverty or time pressure. This book offers a deeper understanding of the psychology behind scarcity and how to ethically apply it to help others.

Listen

I occasionally tune into The Ben Shapiro Show. While his conservative perspective isn’t for everyone, I find his analysis—especially regarding Middle East events since October 7, 2023—a compelling counterbalance to mainstream coverage. If you’re open to new perspectives, give a few episodes a try.

Watch

The Chosen, Season 5 is now available on Amazon Prime. This series is, in my opinion, the best portrayal of Jesus’ life—both historically accurate and deeply engaging. Director Dallas Jenkins adds creative elements where Scripture is silent, but always in ways that remain true to the message and the people. I especially appreciate how human and relatable each Apostle is portrayed.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents was an Amazon new release bestseller. The Influencer, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence in everyday situations.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 750,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Influence Gone Wrong: A Lesson from the Desert

If you’ve been following me recently, you know I’ve been head down writing my next book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet. It’s due out this fall, and it’s a project that’s deeply personal because faith is the most important part of my life.

My goal with the book is to explore how timeless spiritual wisdom intersects with Robert Cialdini’s principles of ethical influence.

After reading an advance copy, Cialdini wrote, “With this book, Brian Ahearn provides a marriage of spiritual inspiration and psychological illumination that is matchless in my experience.”

Now, when you’re immersed in a project like this, you start to see examples everywhere. And recently, I ran across one in Scripture that grabbed my attention — not because it was a great example of influence done right, but because it showed what happens when influence goes wrong.

It’s the story of the twelve spies in the book of Numbers. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to scout out the Promised Land. When they return, all twelve agree on one thing: the land is rich and abundant. But that’s where the consensus ends.

Joshua and Caleb stood firm in faith, urging the people to trust God and move forward, but the other 10 spies focused on fear. Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, ‘We should by all means go up and take possession of it, for we will surely overcome it.’ But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We are not able to go up against the people, for they are too strong for us.’ So they gave out to the sons of Israel a bad report of the land which they had spied out, saying, ‘The land through which we have gone, in spying it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants; and all the people whom we saw in it are men of great size. There also we saw the Nephilim (the sons of Anak are part of the Nephilim); and we became like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight.’” (Numbers 13:30-33)

You probably know how this is going to end. The majority ruled. The people listen to the ten, not the two. Fear spread, faith faltered, and an entire generation missed out on the Promised Land.

That’s the power — and the danger — of social proof.

Social proof is one of the most powerful tools in the influence toolkit because, in a very real sense, we are pack animals, wired for connection. It’s why we read reviews before trying a restaurant or follow the crowd when unsure what to do. We assume that if everyone else is doing something, it’s probably the right thing.

But here’s the catch: social proof is neutral. It doesn’t care if the crowd is right or wrong — it just amplifies what the crowd is doing.

That’s what happened in the desert. The Israelites had every reason to trust God based on prior experience, but they let the fear of the majority drown out the truth they already knew. They followed the crowd, and it cost them everything.

So, what’s the lesson for us?

First, if you’re a leader — in business, ministry, or life — be cautious how you use social proof. One of the most common missteps I see is when people point to the wrong crowd to try and influence the right behavior.

Here’s what I mean: a teacher says, “Half the class cheated on the last test,” hoping to shame students into better behavior. But what do students hear? “Everyone’s doing it — I guess it’s normal.” And guess what? Cheating goes up.

If you’re trying to discourage a behavior, don’t highlight how common it is. Highlight the positive instead. Even if only a few people are doing the right thing, you can frame it as a growing trend. And that’s often enough.

People are more likely to follow a behavior if they think it’s catching on. “More and more students are turning in their own work,” is a stronger, smarter use of social proof than “Everyone’s been cheating.”

Second, remember this: the majority isn’t always right. There will be times, as leaders or people of faith, where you’re called to stand with the few — maybe even stand alone — against fear, noise, or bad advice. That’s when influence meets integrity.

Joshua and Caleb didn’t win the popular vote. But they stayed true to what they believed, and in the long run, they were the ones who entered the land flowing with milk and honey.

As you go into your week, I’d like to challenge you to think differently about influence. Not just how you use it — but how it’s being used on you. Who are the “ten spies” giving bad reports in your life? And who are the Joshua and Caleb voices you need to listen to more?

Influence is everywhere. It’s happening all the time. Let’s be more intentional about how we use it — and more discerning in how we respond to it.

Your Turn

  • Have you ever seen social proof point people in the wrong direction?
  • What are some creative or positive ways you’ve used it to drive good behavior?

Drop your thoughts in the comments — let’s learn from each other.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

The 10% Advantage: How Ethical Influence Unlocks 33% More Sales

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But in sales—and influence—it turns out that small changes can lead to big results. These are, in Robert Cialdini’s words, “Small Bigs.”

Let me show you what I mean when it comes to your sales.

Let’s Look at the Math

Imagine you’re working deals with an average size of $50,000. Your commission rate is 12%, and you keep 60% of those earnings. That puts $3,600 in your pocket for every sale you close. If you close three deals a month, you’re making $10,800 monthly—$129,600 annually.

Not bad. But what if I told you that a few small improvements of 10% in your process could raise your annual income by 33.1%—without adding a single new lead?

That’s not fuzzy math. That’s influence math.

Let’s break it down.

Suppose you get 24 leads a month and book first meetings with 50% of them—so 12 meetings. You generate enough interest with half of those prospects that they continue the sales process, which gives you six serious opportunities. Then you close half—three sales a month.

Now imagine getting just 10% better at each stage, going from 50% to 55%. That means:

  • Turning 55% of leads into meetings → 13.2 meetings as opposed to 12
  • Converting 55% of those to active opportunities → 7.3 sales conversations where you had 6 before
  • Closing 55% of those deals → 4 sales per month instead of 3

At $3,600 per sale, that’s $14,375 per month or $172,498 per year. That’s a 33.1% bump in your income from the same 24 leads! No extra time prospecting. Just a smarter and more persuasive throughout process.

So, what’s the secret?

It’s Not Grinding, It’s Influencing Better

When people think about influence, they often jump to tactics or tricks. But real influence—the kind that’s ethical and sustainable—starts with understanding people. It’s built on Cialdini’s principles of liking and reciprocity, two of the most powerful forces in social psychology.

Let’s start with liking. People are more likely to say yes to someone they know and trust—someone they like. That’s not about flattery; it’s about authentic connection. Are you showing genuine interest in your prospects? Do they feel seen and heard in your conversations?

Next is reciprocity. When you give first—your time, insight, or helpful advice—people naturally feel inclined to give back. That doesn’t mean manipulating people into owing you. It means creating value first, without strings attached. When you become known as someone who helps, trust grows—and with it, your close rate.

These principles don’t require more hours. They require more intentionality. Can you tweak how you approach your first meetings? Can you reframe your message so it resonates more deeply? Can you improve your questions so prospects feel you’re solving their problem, not pitching your solution?

That’s where my book, Persuasive Selling, comes in. It outlines how small changes in communication can lead to big returns in trust, engagement, and results.

So, here’s my challenge to you:

  • What would it look like to be just 10% better at converting leads to meetings?
  • How might you improve your early conversations to spark more interest?
  • Where could your closing conversations go from pressure to persuasion?

Remember, the biggest leaps often come from the smallest steps. And those steps usually involve getting a little better at helping people say “yes” throughout the sales process.

That’s not just a good sales strategy. That’s ethical influence in action.

Share Your Thoughts

What’s one small change you’ve made in your sales process that made a big difference?
Or—where do you think you could improve by just 10%?

Drop your thoughts in the comments so we can learn from each other.

And if you want help applying these ideas to your world, connect with me here on LinkedIn—or grab a copy of Persuasive Selling. Small change for Big wins.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An authorTEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

How a Simple Essay Contest Influenced a Company-Wide Culture Shift

In September 1996, John Petrucci joined State Auto Insurance as an Agency Development Specialist. That’s when our focus on sales really started to come to the forefront. I had the good fortune of learning more about sales in that first year with John than I had in my previous ten in the industry!

John resurrected an old company slogan: “Everybody Sells State Auto.” We shortened it to ESSA, and the message was simple—no matter your role, you had a hand in selling.

Even the mailroom? Absolutely. When mailroom employees did their jobs efficiently, agents and policyholders received timely communication. That’s part of great service and great service keeps customers coming back.

Of course, in any large organization, some people embrace the message while others tune it out. So, we got creative—and tapped into a little psychology.

I had been writing a monthly intranet publication called ESSA to highlight how different teams and individuals were contributing to our sales growth. Then we added a twist: an ESSA(Y) Contest.

We invited employees to write short essays about how they were helping to “sell” State Auto. Everyone who submitted an entry received a sleek pen with the ESSA logo. At year-end, we randomly selected two winners to have dinner with our CEO.

Over 180 people participated—nearly 10% of the company. And something fascinating happened.

People didn’t just write essays. They started thinking differently about their roles. They took more pride in their contributions. They looked for ways to add value.

What Made It Work?

Behind this idea were several principles from Dr. Robert Cialdini’s research on ethical influence:

  1. Consistency

Retailers have long known that asking customers to write why they prefer a product increases brand loyalty. When people reflect and articulate their reasons, they naturally become more committed. Why? Because we want to act in alignment with what we say and believe.

By encouraging employees to write how they were helping the company succeed, we invited them to see themselves as part of the sales process—and once they did, they were more likely to continue that behavior.

  1. Social Proof

As submissions rolled in and were shared across the company in the monthly publication, employees saw how their peers were contributing. That visibility created a ripple effect. The more people saw others like them stepping up, the more likely they were to follow suit.

  1. Authority

When respected employees—those with strong reputations—shared their stories, their actions carried extra weight. People naturally look to trusted experts for cues on how to behave and succeed. That’s the power of perceived authority.

  1. Reward (Not Reciprocity)

Some might assume the contest used reciprocity—but it didn’t. Reciprocity is about being the first to give. In our case, we offered rewards after participation—a well-crafted pen and the chance for dinner with the CEO. Those were incentives, not reciprocation. And they worked.

Why This Still Matters Today

This small initiative had a big impact—and not just because of clever branding or nice giveaways. It worked because it tapped into core motivators of human behavior.

People want to feel that their work matters. They want to be seen, heard, and part of something bigger. Influence, when applied ethically, helps reveal that meaning and motivates action.

So, here’s my encouragement: Don’t wait for a massive campaign or top-down directive. Look for creative, principled ways to engage your team. Influence isn’t just about changing minds—it’s about shaping cultures.

Your Turn

Have you seen something like this work in your organization? Maybe you’ve launched a campaign, started a recognition program, or used storytelling to shift behavior. Share your experience in the comments—I’d love to learn from you, and so would others.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An authorTEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Our European Adventure

You may have noticed there haven’t been any blog posts for several weeks. That’s because Jane and I took a vacation to Europe with two of our closest friends.

We started in Lyon, France. Lyon is set on the Saone River. What a beautiful city and so easy to access by foot.

From there we headed to Switzerland for the remainder of our trip.

We visited Zermatt, home of the Matterhorn. We were blessed with a few clear days so we could take in the majesty of the mountain as we took a lift up the mountain.

From there, we traveled to Wengen and saw incredible sights high up in the mountains.

Our next stop was a town I’d never heard of before—Flims. It turned out to be a wonderful surprise, as was the Airbnb we stayed in. The coolest thing we did there was ride to the top of a mountain, where a restaurant was built into the side of the cliff.

We ended our journey with a day in Zurich, exploring the old city.

Our flight home turned into an unexpected adventure. We were supposed to fly directly from Zurich to Chicago, but due to several medical emergencies onboard, we were diverted to Iceland. We didn’t get to tour Iceland, but at least we added another country to our list!

If you ever get a chance to visit Switzerland—take it! It’s the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. Words like amazing, spectacular, and stunning don’t come close to doing it justice.

Beyond the breathtaking views, what also stood out was Switzerland’s infrastructure. Their highways, tunnels, and rail system are incredibly well-designed and efficient.

Even though the pictures we took are pretty spectacular, they still don’t capture the full beauty of what we experienced. It was so surreal that we often commented it felt like we were in a postcard.

Next week, I’ll return to a regular blog post—but in the meantime, enjoy the pictures!

 

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Kindness or Conflict: What Cycle Are You Creating?

What does it mean to be virtuous?

Most of us would say it means having good character—being kind, honest, and doing the right thing, even when it’s hard.

Now consider the opposite: to be vicious.

That might sound extreme, but it doesn’t have to mean physically violent. Viciousness can show up subtly, and not so subtly, as cruelty, malice, or spite.

And here’s where it gets interesting: both virtue and vice can play out through the same powerful principle—reciprocity.

The Power Behind Reciprocity

When I teach about influence, I often describe reciprocity as a virtuous cycle. But for that to work, we need to understand something deeper about liking—one of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s seven principles of influence.

Most people think liking is about getting others to like you. That’s okay, but the more powerful—and often overlooked—part is you coming to genuinely like others.

When we take the time to see the good in people, notice what we have in common, or offer a sincere compliment, we begin to feel more connected. And when we like someone, it’s only natural to want to help them.

When Giving Comes From a Good Place

That’s when authentic reciprocity kicks in.

When you extend a helping hand with no strings attached, people recognize it. They feel it. They appreciate it. And because reciprocity is wired into us (every society teaches it), they’re more likely to give something back—not out of obligation, but because they want to.

That’s how the cycle becomes virtuous. It builds goodwill. It strengthens relationships. It leads to more generosity, not less.

I’ve seen it play out countless times in my life and career. I give without expecting anything in return—maybe a kind word, a small favor, a thoughtful text, or some extra effort to support someone—and what comes back is often greater than what I gave.

That generosity encourages me to keep giving. And the cycle continues.

The Dark Side of Reciprocity

But there’s a flip side.

Just as reciprocity can lift people up, it can also drag them down.

That’s what I call the vicious cycle.

Think about someone who feels wronged. Instead of letting it go or having a constructive conversation, they wait for their chance to “even the score.” And when they do, the other person—now feeling hurt—hits back.

What started as a single slight spirals into an ongoing tit-for-tat. Both sides dig in. The relationship deteriorates. The cycle of retaliation keeps turning.

Where Do We See It?

You don’t have to look far to find examples:

  • Political parties locked in endless conflict
  • Labor and management constantly at odds
  • Families stuck in years-long silence

Sometimes it plays out in painful, personal ways. Maybe two friends or relatives have a falling out. One refuses to apologize because they feel justified. The other is hurt and sees no reason to make the first move.

Both are stuck—waiting for the other to blink.

Breaking the Cycle

But here’s the thing: when someone finally steps forward with a sincere apology—when they own their part without defensiveness—it can break the cycle.

That vulnerability often softens the other person, who then acknowledges their own role. Trust begins to rebuild. And sometimes, the relationship grows stronger than before.

It’s not guaranteed. But someone has to go first.

Your Choice, Your Impact

Every interaction is a chance to choose the cycle.

Will it be virtuous—built on liking, kindness, and sincere giving?
Or will it be vicious—fueled by resentment, retaliation, and ego?

The choice is yours. And while you can’t control how others respond, you can control what you bring to the relationship—and trust that reciprocity will do its job.

Start with liking. Find common ground. Offer a kind word.
Look for what’s good in people and let that guide your actions. Reciprocity will follow. And when it does, you’ll find yourself in a cycle worth repeating.

What about you?

Have you ever broken a vicious cycle by choosing to go first?

Or experienced the ripple effect of a virtuous act that came back to you in a meaningful way?

I encourage you to share your thoughts because your story might be just what someone else needs to hear today.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An authorTEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Sharing is Caring…But Sometimes Less is More

Have you ever been in a conversation that quietly slipped from dialogue into monologue? Or watched someone walk into a room and take over the discussion like a vacuum sucking all the air out?

You’re not alone. Most of us have felt the discomfort of being on the receiving end of conversational domination. The irony is, the talker may think they’re building rapport—but they’re doing the opposite. Good intentions get drowned out in a tidal wave of words.

Here’s the truth: when it comes to influence, sharing is caring—but sometimes, less is more.

Over two decades of teaching ethical influence, leadership communication, and relationship-driven selling have made one truth very clear: the best influencers often speak the least. Whether it’s a top-performing salesperson, an admired leader, or a trusted friend, the people we enjoy talking with most usually aren’t the ones doing all the talking. They’re asking thoughtful questions. They’re listening. They’re guiding.

Talk Less, Ask More

According to some of the best salespeople—and my personal experience—great salespeople talk about 25–30% of the time during customer conversations. Why? Because they understand the power of asking the right questions. In Persuasive Selling, I talk about questions being like the rudder of a ship—small, but capable of steering the entire conversation. That’s ethical influence in action: steering with intent, but not force.

This same dynamic applies outside of sales. Former President Bill Clinton, for example, was often praised as a brilliant communicator. Why? Because he made people feel seen and heard. He asked about them. People walked away feeling valued—often realizing later that he did very little of the talking.

Influence Is a Two-Way Street

Ethical influence isn’t about controlling others; it’s about connection. In Influence PEOPLE, I write that influence is all about PEOPLE—those Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade (and Pre-suade) in ways that are Lasting and Ethical. One of the most powerful ways to engage people is to show interest in them. That begins with a question.

Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, famously said: “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.” He told a story of chatting with a woman at a party, mostly listening while she spoke at length in response to questions he asked. Later, she praised him as a great conversationalist—though he’d barely said a word.

There’s a lesson in that for all of us.

The FOLDER Method

If you’re wondering how to get better at asking questions without feeling awkward or forced, try the FOLDER method. Thank you, Wes Bryant, for introducing me to the framework. This simple approach gives you six go-to topics for questions you’ll want to put in your mental folder:

  • Family – Ask about their family, which shows care without assuming specifics.
  • Occupation – “What do you do for a living?” is universally accessible.
  • Location – “Where do you live?” or “Where have you lived that was most interesting?”
  • Dreams – Inquire about goals or what they hope to accomplish.
  • Education – Ask what or how they’ve learned (formal or informal).
  • Recreation – “What do you do for fun?” opens the door to passions and hobbies.

This framework isn’t just for sales—it’s for life. It creates space for others to talk, and in that space, trust begins to form.

Influence Through Curiosity

In The Influencer, I use storytelling to show how a curious, attentive communicator becomes more persuasive—not through pressure, but through presence. Influence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about being the one others want to talk to.

It’s not about being interesting but being interested. And here’s the beautiful paradox: the less you talk about yourself, quite often the more interesting you become. People gravitate toward those who show genuine interest in them.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re at a networking event, a client meeting, or a family dinner, remember: You don’t need to dominate to lead the conversation. Ask a great question. Then ask a follow-up. That’s how you guide.

Because in the end, you’ll build more connections, win more trust, and deepen more relationships by becoming interested—instead of trying to be interesting.

Sharing is caring…but sometimes, less is more.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

 

Dallas Willard and C.S. Lewis on Lived Experience

Last week, I shared some thoughts on the rise of “lived experience” and the need to interpret those experiences carefully—because, as I put it, lived experience is an “N of 1.”

That post sparked got me thinking more deeply about a related question: What do we use to measure our experiences against?

In this week’s post was prompted by a deep discussion with ChatGPT. I want to take the idea of lived experience a step further by looking at the insights of two profound thinkers—Dallas Willard and C.S. Lewis—both of whom have a lot to say about truth, morality, and why our personal experiences need a larger framework to have lasting meaning.

A Broader Perspective

While it’s important to respect people’s lived experience, it’s just as important to place that experience within a larger moral and philosophical framework. As I mentioned earlier, lived experience is an “N of 1.” And that’s the crux of the problem—it’s limited by the nature of personal perspective. But what happens when we act as though our one experience defines the truth?

What Dallas Willard Might Say

Dallas Willard addressed this very issue in The Disappearance of Moral Knowledge. He warned that we’ve drifted into a cultural mindset where objective moral truth has been replaced by subjective interpretation. Morality, once considered a form of knowledge, is now treated as personal opinion. Willard’s concern wasn’t that people have experiences—of course they do—but that we’ve begun to treat those experiences as the sole authority for what is right, good, or true. But as he would say, just because something is deeply felt doesn’t make it morally valid.

What C.S. Might Say

Similarly, C.S. Lewis argued in Mere Christianity that there exists a Natural Law—a shared moral framework that transcends culture and time. He pointed out that while societies may differ in how they express values, all human cultures recognize moral principles like fairness, honesty, and courage. In that view, lived experience is best understood in light of a greater moral order, not in isolation from it.

What Willard and Lewis offer is a caution: when lived experience becomes untethered from shared moral knowledge, it becomes easy to confuse personal truth with universal truth. That leads to fragmentation—not just in society, but within each of us.

Listen to Lived Experience: Value and Learn from It

While our lived experience shapes our reality, always ask: How does this experience fit within a larger moral reality? What wisdom from centuries of human reflection—across faiths, philosophies, and cultures—can help me interpret it rightly?

In a world that increasingly shouts, “my truth,” we would do well to pause and ask:
What is the truth—and how can we know it, live it, and share it wisely?

Written in conjunction with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Lived Experience Is an N of 1

What if your experience isn’t the whole story?

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the phrase “lived experience.” It’s a term that’s showing up in the news and social media—and for good reason. Our individual experiences shape our beliefs, decisions, and how we show up in the world. But there’s a subtle danger in putting too much weight on one person’s story—especially when it comes to how we influence others.

No two people are the same. Not even identical twins. Despite sharing DNA, they encounter different people, moments, and meaning throughout their lives. And they interpret those experiences differently, too. The same could be said for experiences in one society versus another or one station in life as opposed to another (i.e. younger vs. older)

One of my favorite perspectives on this comes from C.S. Lewis. In Mere Christianity he shares the story of a British pilot who said he didn’t need theology because he had “experienced God alone in the desert.” Lewis acknowledged that experience is deeply personal and can feel more “real” than anything written in a book.

But he made a brilliant comparison. He said that someone standing on a beach, staring at the Atlantic, has a vivid personal experience of the ocean. But what if you want to navigate that ocean? You’re better off with a map—a tool that compiles thousands of observations over time.

That’s what research gives us. That’s what big data does. And when it comes to influence, we need both—the beach and the map.

The Risk of Relying on a Single Experience

It’s tempting to try an influence technique, get a surprising result, and think, “See? That doesn’t work in the real world.” Or the opposite—you use an approach that contradicts research, but somehow it works once, so you keep doing it.

Here’s the thing: Just because it worked for you once doesn’t make it universal.

Let me put it this way—your Aunt Mabel might’ve smoked two packs a day and lived to 102. That doesn’t mean you should fire up packs of Marlboro and see what happens.

That’s what we call an n of 1—one person, one outcome, and no guarantees it’ll happen again.

In the same way, someone might try a research-backed approach to influence—like social proof or reciprocity—and have it fall flat. That doesn’t mean the approach is flawed. It just means people are complex. Variables shift. Timing matters.

But if you had a chance to increase your success rate by 10%, 20%, maybe even 30%, wouldn’t it be worth testing a more proven path?

Real-World Influence Is Rooted in Research

In my books—Influence PEOPLE, Persuasive Selling, and The Influencer—I talk a lot about the importance of scientific principles when it comes to ethically influencing people.

Research doesn’t promise perfection. It doesn’t mean we always get the outcome we want. But it gives us the best odds—the most reliable patterns for behavior change, decision-making, and persuasion.

Even Dr. Robert Cialdini, the most cited living social psychologist on the science of influence (and my mentor), doesn’t always get his way. Why? Because people are still people. We’re not robots. We have histories, preferences, and hang-ups.

That’s why I remind people in my workshops and courses: influence isn’t a magic wand. But it is a multiplier. It moves more people in your direction more often. And that’s powerful and important for your success and happiness.

Small Shifts Create Big Outcomes

Let’s ground this in reality.

If you’re a salesperson closing 3 out of 10 deals, and influence principles help you move that to 4 out of 10—that’s a 33% increase in results!

If voter turnout in an election goes from 65% to 70% because of an effective influence strategy to get out the vote, that seemingly “small” swing could change the outcome.

These aren’t massive, life-overhauling transformations. They’re small bigs, intentional nudges that lead to meaningful, measurable change.

Your Lived Experience Matters—But So Does Learning

Your life experience has shaped you. It’s real. It’s valid. But what if it’s also limited?

What if your “truth” is actually an outlier?
What if something you dismissed as ineffective was just missing the right context or delivery?

That’s why I encourage professionals to look beyond their own experience—to be curious about the science, not just the stories.

Experience can be a harsh teacher. If I want my grandson Emmett to avoid getting burned, I don’t want him to experience it for himself. I want him to learn from me, from his parents, from thousands of years of other people’s hard-earned wisdom.

Influence works the same way.

Let your lived experience inform you—but let research guide you.

Conclusion

Have you ever had an “n of 1” experience that shaped your beliefs about persuasion, leadership, or success?

👉 Have you ever written something off because it didn’t work once?
👉 Or doubled down on something risky because it worked once?

I’d love to hear your stories because together, we’re building something bigger than one perspective. We can build a map or create a theology.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!