Why Who You’re With Shapes What You Experience

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Just over a week ago, I was in Las Vegas speaking at a conference. It was my first time staying at the Venetian, and the experience—on paper—was incredible. I was in a beautiful suite with a 16th-floor view overlooking five pools. The kind of setting most people would love.

And yet, my first thought when I walked in wasn’t about the view or the room. It was, “I wish Jane was here.”

Without her, it felt like just a room with a nice view. That surprised me—but it also taught me something important.

The People You’re With Shape the Experience

I often tell people that anything I do is better when Jane is with me. She’s more fun, more adventurous, and more outgoing than I am. But here’s the deeper truth: she influences me to become more of those things.

When I’m with her, I’m more outgoing. More willing to try new things. More present.

In other words, the experience doesn’t just change because she’s there—the version of me in that experience changes.

Think about that for a moment. Who in your life brings out a better version of you?

Shared Moments Multiply Meaning

As I approach my 62nd birthday, I’ve come to value experiences far more than things. But even more than that, I’ve come to realize: Experiences are amplified when they’re shared.

Imagine you’re a golfer playing alone. There’s something peaceful about it. You play quickly and don’t have to worry about other golfers who, for a variety of reasons, could distract you.

But what if you hit a hole-in-one? It wouldn’t feel the same as if friends were there to celebrate with you because joy expands when a feat like a hole-in-one is witnessed and shared.

I’ve seen this firsthand traveling in Europe with close friends, Jud and Deborah. When we get together later and start reminiscing, something interesting happens. One person recalls a moment everyone else forgot. Suddenly, the memory comes rushing back.

With more people, there are more perspectives—and more opportunities to relive the experience. It’s as if the experience continues long after the moment is over.

The Influence of Liking—and Being Liked

This connects directly to one of Cialdini’s principles of persuasion: liking.

We often say people are more likely to say “yes” to those they know and like. That’s true but there’s a deeper layer. We’re even more open when we believe they like us.

Why does that matter? Because when we feel liked, valued, and connected, we relax. We open up. We engage more fully. We become more ourselves—or even better versions of ourselves.

That changes how we experience everything. Think about it:

  • A dinner with strangers vs. a dinner with close friends
  • A trip alone vs. a trip with people who know you well
  • A success achieved quietly vs. one celebrated together

Same events. Completely different experiences.

Friends Change More Than Your Decisions—They Shape Your World

We often think influence is about changing decisions. But in many cases, influence runs deeper. The people closest to you don’t just influence what you do… They influence how you see, feel, and remember your life.

That’s powerful and it raises an important question: Are you intentional about who you share your life with? After all, the “who” may matter more than the “what.”

One Final Thought

I’m sure I’ll be back in Las Vegas someday. And I hope Jane is with me. Because I know this much—no matter how nice the room is, it won’t compare to sharing the experience with her.

What about you? Who makes your experiences better—and how do they influence the way you see the world?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Guaranteed to Get You What You Want Every Time – NOT!

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If you read this post, it’s guaranteed you’ll get everything you want every time, all the time.

Of course, that’s not true.

But if you spend any time online, you’ll quickly discover there are plenty of people willing to imply exactly that. Read their book. Listen to their podcast. Follow their formula. Use their script. Suddenly life becomes one long series of “yes” responses.

People love the idea of an easy way out. Unfortunately, persuasion doesn’t work that way.

Understanding the science of influence is no guarantee you’ll always get what you want—just like understanding how to live a healthy lifestyle doesn’t guarantee you’ll never get sick. But just as healthy habits dramatically improve your chances of living longer with a better quality of life, learning the science of ethical influence increases the odds that people will say “yes” to you sooner and more often.

Nothing is guaranteed, but smart people tend to follow what science shows actually works.

That reality came to mind after I wrote about an experience with Southwest Airlines where I did not get the outcome I wanted. A reader emailed me with this comment:

“I thought you were an expert on persuasion? How come you couldn’t use your ability, knowledge, and experience to persuade the airline otherwise? Not a very good advert for your talents, I’d suggest.”

I replied, and in his follow-up message he apologized, saying his comment was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. We ended up having a good exchange. But it did get me thinking about something important: failure.

Even people who understand influence sometimes fail to persuade.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Why Failure Can Strengthen Your Influence

One of the principles of persuasion is authority, and authority rests on two key elements: expertise and credibility.

You need expertise to be seen as knowledgeable. But credibility often comes from something surprising: honesty about limitations.

Research shows that when people admit weaknesses or acknowledge when something didn’t work, their credibility can actually increase. Why? Because honesty builds trust.

In other words, people tend to trust experts who are realistic more than those who claim perfection.

That’s why it’s worth stating plainly: No one gets what they want all the time.

If someone tells you they do or you can… be skeptical!

Even the Best Fall Short Sometimes

Consider Dr. Robert Cialdini, author of Influence and the most cited living social psychologist in the world on the topic of persuasion.

On one of his audio programs, he shares a story about failing to persuade someone at his gym. He had accidentally locked his keys in his car and simply asked the person folding towels if he could briefly use the phone.

A small request. A reasonable request. And yet, on that particular day, the answer was no.

If the world’s leading authority on persuasion sometimes fails to persuade someone folding towels at a gym, then the rest of us shouldn’t be surprised when we occasionally hear “no” as well.

What the Science Actually Promises

Here’s what the science of influence does promise:

If you understand the principles and apply them ethically and correctly, you will become more persuasive than the average communicator.

Not perfect. Not unstoppable. But more effective.

Think about it this way. Two people can go to the same doctor, trainer, or coach and follow the exact same advice. Their results may differ. But it’s still far better to follow proven guidance than to ignore it.

The science of influence is built on nine decades of research, not someone’s clever marketing pitch. When you understand the principles and apply them thoughtfully, you dramatically increase the likelihood that people will respond positively.

And over time, those small advantages add up.

Turning Failure into Value

As for my Southwest Airlines experience, I didn’t get what I wanted. But I still got something valuable from it.

In fact, I got several blog posts, a few good lessons, and a nice conversation with a reader who challenged me. Sometimes the situations that don’t go our way turn out to be the most useful ones for learning and reflection.

So, if you’re studying persuasion and hoping it will guarantee success every time, let me save you some disappointment. It won’t.

But if you apply the science ethically and consistently, you’ll find yourself hearing “yes” far more often than someone relying on guesswork alone. After all, how much better off would you be if people said “yes” to you 20% more? How about 30%? What if people said “yes” 40% more than they do now? I think that would make a dramatic difference for your career and personal life.

And that’s a result worth pursuing!

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

The Power of Speaking Praise to Build Connection

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I almost skipped a recent episode of the John Mark Comer Podcast because John Mark wasn’t speaking. That would have been a mistake! Alex Rettman, the guest speaker, was talking about praise. He began with the word behold—to truly take something in, to capture its beauty. When we behold something, appreciation naturally follows. And appreciation, when it’s genuine, longs for expression.

That’s where C. S. Lewis offers a profound insight: “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment.”

Lewis goes on to say that lovers don’t keep telling each other how beautiful they are merely as a compliment. Their delight is incomplete until it’s expressed.

That hit home with me. There’s a difference between internal delight and external expression. We can admire something silently. But when we speak it, something changes—not only in the listener, but within us as well.

What Does This Have to Do with Influence?

If you follow my work on Dr. Robert Cialdini’s principles, you know head knowledge isn’t enough. Application is what turns information into wisdom. Two principles immediately come to mind here: Liking and Reciprocity.

Liking isn’t just about noticing similarities or appreciating someone’s strengths. It’s about expressing them.

You may recognize that you and a colleague both value integrity. You may appreciate your spouse’s patience. You may admire a friend’s discipline. But until you say it, the relational benefit is limited.

When you verbalize similarities, “I really appreciate how seriously you take your commitments,” you create connection. When you offer sincere praise, “You handled that situation with a lot of grace”, you strengthen social bonds.

And something else happens. You begin to believe your own words more deeply. We often convince ourselves about things based on what we hear ourselves say. Speaking praise doesn’t just bless the other person; it reshapes our internal posture toward them.

That’s influence, starting from the inside out.

Reciprocity at Work

Reciprocity naturally follows. When someone receives genuine praise, they often respond in kind. Not because they’re forced to, but because generosity invites generosity.

A thoughtful compliment can open the door to a richer conversation. Shared similarities can lead to mutual curiosity and connection expands.

But here’s the challenge. For many of us, it’s hard to have difficult conversations. We fear how someone might respond. Ironically, it can also be hard to share the good things. To say:

  • “I’m proud of you.”
  • “I admire you.”
  • “I’m grateful for you.”
  • “We’re more alike than you think.”

There’s vulnerability in that. Praise can be misinterpreted. Similarities can feel awkward to point out. We risk not being received the way we hope.

I know that struggle personally. At times in my marriage, I’ve hesitated to voice positive thoughts and deep appreciation. I assumed Jane knew but more often than not, I worried about saying it wrong. So, I simply kept it inside.

The result? Unnecessary distance. Bottled-up emotion. Missed opportunities for connection.

C.S. Lewis was right. Delight is incomplete until expressed. In me it led to frustration with myself.

Influence is Incomplete Until Applied

Here’s a simple practice. If you want to grow your influence this week, try this:

  1. Identify one genuine similarity you share with someone.
  2. Identify one specific strength you admire in them.
  3. Say it out loud to them.

Be specific. Be sincere. Make it about them, not about what you hope to get in return. That’s ethical influence. Not manipulation. Not strategy disguised as flattery. Just truth expressed with sincerity. You’ll likely notice:

  • Stronger connections.
  • Warmer interactions.
  • A natural reciprocation.
  • And perhaps even a shift in your own heart.

Influence doesn’t always begin with big moves. Sometimes it begins with simple words that were already in your heart. The question is: will you speak it them?

I’m curious, when was the last time you expressed a similarity or offered genuine praise that strengthened a relationship? What happened?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Gleaning the Fields of LinkedIn

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In the Old Testament, there was a practice known as gleaning. Landowners were commanded not to harvest to the very edges of their fields. If grain fell during harvest, they weren’t to pick it up. Why would someone “waste” something so valuable when food was scarce?

Because God built generosity into the system. The leftovers created a safety net for widows, orphans, and foreigners—people without access to resources. They were free to gather what remained.

The most well-known example appears in the book of Ruth. Ruth, a foreign widow, gleaned in the fields of a man named Boaz. When Boaz noticed her, he instructed his workers to leave extra grain behind on purpose. That simple act of generosity changed her life. Eventually, Ruth and Boaz married, and one of their descendants was King David.

All because someone chose to leave something in the field.

LinkedIn is the Field

That image makes me think of LinkedIn. In many ways, LinkedIn is a modern-day field where professionals can glean.

There is an extraordinary amount of free, high-quality content available every single day—insights from researchers, practitioners, executives, entrepreneurs, and trainers. For someone who can’t attend conferences or whose company doesn’t invest heavily in training, LinkedIn offers access to learning that would have been unimaginable a generation ago.

I’ll use myself as an example. I’ve been blogging weekly for nearly 19 years. In addition, I post daily on LinkedIn. That’s thousands of pieces of content designed to help people understand and apply the science of ethical influence.

And I’m far from alone. You can glean—at no cost—wisdom about sales, leadership, communication, negotiation, productivity, mindset, and more.

Here’s the Key

But here’s the key: you still have to show up and gather it. In the Old Testament, the grain didn’t walk itself into Ruth’s home. She had to enter the field and do the work. The same is true here.

Reading a post takes intention. Reflecting on it takes more. Applying it takes effort. For example, reading one of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s books—or one of mine—will give you depth in the science of influence. But insight alone doesn’t create results. The real question is always: How do I put this into practice?

Translation matters.

Dr. Cialdini is a social scientist. His life’s work is rooted in research methodology and behavioral study. My career, on the other hand, has been spent in business—particularly in the property-casualty insurance industry—translating that fascinating research into practical application.

Whether you’re in sales, leadership, or simply trying to get people to respond to your emails, success often comes down to one thing: hearing a series of “yes” responses.

Sales is never a single yes. It’s prospecting, conversations, commitment, follow-through, and referrals.

Leadership isn’t a single yes either. Leaders must:

  • Build relationships by engaging Liking, Unity, and Reciprocity.
  • Reduce uncertainty through Authority and Social Proof.
  • Motivate action using Scarcity and Consistency approaches.

Even if you’re not in sales or formal leadership, your professional success still depends largely on your ability to gain agreement and inspire action. Consider this:

  • If more people responded to your emails, would your job be easier?
  • If your ideas gained traction faster, would that accelerate your career?

Most of us answer “yes” to those questions.

Some Encouragement

Here’s my encouragement: Glean. Be intentional about what you consume on LinkedIn based on how you want to grow your skills. Save posts. Reflect on them. Apply one idea per week. The free content is there—but like Ruth, you have to gather it.

At the same time, recognize something else. Gleaning provided sustenance—but ownership required more. If you want deeper mastery, faster growth, and more structured development, there are additional paths: books, online learning, workshops, coaching, certification programs.

Free content can spark insight. Focused training builds skill. Both have their place.

The real question is this: Are you walking past a field filled with opportunity—or are you stepping in and gathering what’s available?

Let others learn from you by answering this question: What’s one piece of insight you’ve gleaned on LinkedIn that made a meaningful difference in your work?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Knowing Yourself is Extremely Hard

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Ben Franklin once wrote, “Three things are extremely hard; steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” He was right and I think knowing one’s self is the hardest of the three.

Understanding who we are—and why we do what we do—takes time, effort, and courage. All three are in short supply in an age of constant distractions, bombardment of content, and the social media time suck.

Recently, I’ve been doing something most people avoid. With a little extra time over the holidays, I began reading my old journals from 1993–2001. Then, with the help of AI, I synthesized themes from those years and compared them to journals I restarted in 2022.

What I found surprised me.

The Man I Was

In the 1990s, I was intense and driven. I was wrestling with God, with myself, with my marriage, and with unmet expectations.

Not being too patient, I wanted transformation, and I wanted it fast. That’s not atypical for a man in his late 20s and early 30s.

I processed everything externally. I wrote constantly. I analyzed motives—mine and others’. I lived with a sense of urgency that bordered on demanding. If something wasn’t right, I felt responsible to fix it ASAP.

Growth was happening, real transformative growth, but there were also negative patterns:

  • A need to control outcomes.
  • A tendency to interpret silence as rejection.
  • Frustration when others didn’t process as quickly as I did.
  • A belief that if I just understood something deeply enough, I could solve it.

I thought self-awareness meant intensity. I’ve come to learn it meant humility.

The Man I’m Becoming

When I began journaling again in 2022, I wasn’t the same man. I had several more decades of marriage under my belt, had become a father, and started my own business, to name just some of the changes. Here are a few things I noticed:

  • There’s more steadiness now. My emotions are less volatile.
  • More patience. I can wait on outcomes rather than trying to control them.
  • A willingness to sit with uncertainty. I don’t have to rush to resolution.

I still care deeply. I still want connection, growth, and impact. But I no longer assume that every uncomfortable emotion or situation requires my immediate action.

I’ve learned that some wounds don’t need analysis, they need time. Some conversations don’t need pressure, they need safety. Some change doesn’t come from force, it comes from surrender.

In my earlier years, I often asked, “How do I fix this?” Now I more often ask, “What is this revealing to me?” That shift changes everything.

Much like Jacob wrestling with the angel of the Lord, I still hang on tightly to what I believe is good and right because I want the blessings that come with those things.

Where Change Begins

Here’s what struck me most reviewing 30 years of my own thoughts:

  • Old patterns don’t disappear just because time passes. They mature. They refine themselves. They hide behind experience…unless you name them.
  • Self-knowledge without change is just autobiography. Self-knowledge with humility is where transformation takes place.

As I revisited my journals, I saw how certain thinking patterns from the 1990s were still influencing my reactions in 2026. Not in dramatic ways, but in subtle assumptions and expectations that were hindering joy in many cases.

What This Has to Do With Influence

People often ask me about persuasion and leadership. They want tactics, language patterns, frameworks, and science. All of that matters. However, I’ve come to believe more deeply than ever that you cannot create lasting influence with others if you are not willing to be influenced yourself. Consider the following parallels:

  • It’s hard to lead if you’re not willing to be led.
  • It’s hard to coach if you aren’t coachable.
  • It’s hard to build trust if you’re not authentic.

Influence isn’t just what you say. Much of it is the emotional climate you create. That climate is shaped by your unresolved fears, your old narratives, your need for approval, your pace, your patience or lack of it. I’ve come to understand, if I…

  • Rush people, it’s usually because I’m uncomfortable.
  • Push for clarity, it’s often because I want relief.
  • Withdraw, it’s sometimes self-protection.

Knowing all of that changes how I show up today. The more I understand my past and my “wiring,” the more authentic my influence becomes.

The Courage to Look Back

Most of us are content to “reinvent” ourselves every few years. Just look at entertainers. However, very few of us are willing to examine who we’ve consistently been in order to become the best version of ourselves.

Reading 30-year-old journal entries was humbling. Some entries made me grateful, but others made me cringe! But growth requires knowing the truth—good and bad—about ourselves.

If steel, diamonds, and self-knowledge are all hard, maybe that’s because each is forged under pressure. Steel and diamonds don’t have a choice as to how they’ll respond to pressure, but humans do. We can embrace the pain of change, numb it, or run from it.

Embracing is the best option because it changes us so we can have influence that lasts—the kind that sustains marriages, teams, families, organizations. It’s not all about polished messaging.

It comes from a man or woman who knows their weaknesses, owns their patterns, and is still willing to grow. That’s the kind of influence I want. And it starts here: With the courage to know one’s self. Thank you, Ben!

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Will the Truth Set You Free?

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While watching the news recently, I heard someone accused of a crime say, “The truth will set me free.”

I hear that line quoted a lot. Almost always with confidence. Almost always without context.

When it comes to influence, words matter, context matters, and so does truth.

Jesus actually said something more precise—and far more demanding:

“If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Did you catch the conditions?

Jesus wasn’t speaking to the general public. He was speaking to people who already believed in Him—and He tied freedom to abiding in His word. In other words, keep trusting Me, keep living what I teach, and then you will come to know truth in a lived, experiential way.

This wasn’t “truth” as a legal defense.
It wasn’t “truth” as personal validation.
And it certainly wasn’t “my truth.”

It was truth as liberation from enslavement—specifically, enslavement to sin.

That distinction matters, because the kind of truth Jesus talked about doesn’t always feel good. In fact, it often hurts.

The truth doesn’t promise a happy or prosperous life. Quite often, it brings discomfort, loss, and pain. In Jesus’ case, speaking the truth ultimately got Him killed because He threatened the religious power structures of His day.

Closer to home, truth regularly costs us something.

Someone tells you the truth—that something you said or did hurt them. That moment doesn’t feel freeing. If you have a conscience, it probably brings regret or guilt. But it also brings an opportunity: to reflect, to change, to repair.

Or perhaps you discover a relationship isn’t what you believed it was. The truth doesn’t feel liberating in the moment—it feels crushing. Your assumptions collapse and your future has to be reconsidered. Nothing about that feels free. It feels costly.

And yet… it’s still truth.

Scripture is clear—if we read it with an open mind and heart—that all of us fall short of how God calls us to live in light of His goodness and reality. But it’s just as clear that God makes a way back through repentance. Not shame. Not denial. Repentance—a turning from our ways to His. It starts with the willingness to acknowledge that His ways are good and ours often are not.

As I reflected on all of this, two movies came to mind: The Truman Show and The Matrix.

In The Truman Show, Jim Carrey’s character slowly realizes his entire life is a manufactured reality television program. None of it is real. Once he knows that, how could he go back and hug the woman he thought was his mother knowing she was an actress? How could he receive affection from his wife after learning she was playing a role?

The truth didn’t make Truman’s life easier. It shattered his world.

In The Matrix, Neo is offered a choice: take the blue pill and remain comfortably ignorant or take the red pill and see reality as it truly is. He chooses the red pill. The truth opens his eyes—but it also opens his life to suffering, danger, and loss. Ignorance would have been far more comfortable.

Both stories highlight something we often forget; truth doesn’t exist to soothe us; it exists to free us. And freedom, paradoxically, often begins with discomfort.

Misquoting Scripture long predates social media memes. We prefer sound bites because they let us claim the promise of freedom without submitting to the process that produces it.   But when we strip words of their context, we don’t just lose meaning—we distort it.

So maybe the better question isn’t, “Will the truth set me free?”

Maybe it’s this: Am I willing to live in a way that allows the truth to do its work—even when it hurts, costs me something, or changes the story I thought I was living?           

That kind of truth doesn’t flatter us.
But it has the power to transform us and our relationships.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

A Decade Later The Southwest Split Persists

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I wrote the following in February 2016. It was about a negative experience I had with Southwest Airlines. Because of it, I stopped flying them from that point forward.

In hindsight, Southwest lost a loyal customer and gained nothing. On the other hand, I’ve enjoyed great experiences with United, American, and Delta. Their prices and schedules have been comparable, but more importantly, the airplanes (especially the leg room) have been much nicer.

Southwest stuck to their guns and lost but I feel like I won.

The Southwest Airlines Love Affair Is Over—and It’s Completely Irrational

Yes, you read that correctly; my 12-year love affair with Southwest Airlines is over, and truthfully, it’s irrational on my part—and Southwest’s too. Perhaps you could say we have irreconcilable differences.

Dan Ariely, author of Predictably Irrational and The Upside of Irrationality, uses studies from behavioral economics to prove we humans are not the rational beings we like to think we are—at least most of the time. One such study that highlights our irrationality.

The Ultimatum Game

In the ultimatum game, Person A is given $10 and can choose to give any amount to a playing partner, Person B, and keep the rest for himself or herself. How much would you give Person B? Is $1 enough? After all, that’s better than nothing. Would you give $4 or $5? That seems like something a fair-minded individual would do. How about $6 or $7? It’s a rare person who would give away more than they would keep.

There’s a catch to the game: Person B can reject the whole deal—meaning neither side gets to keep any of the money—if they don’t like what’s being offered.

Things change rather dramatically under conditions of perceived fairness. Person A almost always offers $4 or $5 in hopes of being viewed as fair, because that usually leads to agreement. When agreement is reached, everybody wins because both parties leave better off financially than they were before the game started.

Consider Rationality

If you think about it rationally, though, if you were offered $1, that’s better than nothing—and yet the vast majority of people don’t view it that way. If something “fair” isn’t offered, Person B will almost always reject it…even to their own financial detriment.

Consider that for a moment—people willingly subject themselves to “injury” (take no money instead of a few free bucks) just to punish the other person when they feel they’re being treated unfairly. You need look no further than divorce court to see this play out in real life!

Application for Southwest and Me

I fly a good bit but recently learned I had lost my A-List status with Southwest. When I called to find out why, I was told I needed 25 flights in 2015 but only had…24. I thought it reasonable to ask for an exception given my loyalty, increased flights in recent years, and because I had a December business trip I needed to reschedule until this spring. I’d be hard-pressed to think of a handful of times I’ve flown other airlines in the past five years, and when I have, it’s because I traveled with colleagues who had already booked flights.

Denied Several Times

My request was rejected three times at various levels over the phone and one last time after writing a letter. The reason Southwest wouldn’t budge was “to maintain the integrity of the [frequent flier] program.” I was shocked, given the level of customer service I’d experienced with Southwest and my loyalty over the past dozen years. I would have expected that response from many other companies—but not my beloved Southwest!

Being a persistent guy, I finally emailed CEO Gary Kelly (you’ll never hear “yes” if you don’t ask, right?). At each level, Southwest dug in their heels—and now I have, too—because I’ve made the choice to take at least a couple of flights on other airlines this year. It’s irrational because Southwest flights are almost always on time, their flight attendants are great, and the more I fly, the better my chances of getting my coveted A-List status back. But like the person who feels they were treated unfairly in the ultimatum game, I don’t care!

A Better Response?

For Southwest’s part, they could have made a loyal customer even more loyal by saying, “Mr. Ahearn, seldom do we make an exception like this, but we can see you’re a loyal customer and we appreciate your business, so we’ll do it this one time. Will you still be flying with us every chance you get?” Boom! I would have been happy and would have told them I’d absolutely fly Southwest at every opportunity. And you know what? I would have—because they would have used the principles of scarcity, reciprocity, and consistency on me at the same time.

The Cost

Making the exception would have cost them almost nothing other than letting me accrue frequent flier miles 25% faster. That benefit equates to me getting a free ticket 25% sooner, which might cost Southwest about $100—assuming I earn a $400 round-trip ticket a year.

So, Southwest has made an irrational choice, too, because when I choose to fly other airlines, Southwest will lose more revenue than they would have “given up” if they’d simply accommodated my request.

The Takeaway

Much like the ultimatum game, there comes a point when everyone loses despite their best efforts to persuade the other side. In this instance, I lost—and Southwest lost too. But we’re human, after all, so I’m sure it’s not the last time Southwest will stick to their guns, nor will it be the last time I stick to mine.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Whether or Not to Reciprocate During Troubling Times

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I wrote the post below in the summer of 2025. Given the recent events in Minneapolis, it’s worth revisiting. Leaders on both sides of the immigration issue need to ratchet down rather ratchet up or more people will be hurt or possibly killed.

The Apostle Peter tells Christians, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9)

Both sides have legitimate grievances. Many of the same ICE agents who served under presidents Obama and Biden are now being attacked, doxed, and have to deal with family threats.

People in many communities are afraid, see what they believe is excessive use of force, wonder where constitutional rights come into play, and see U.S. citizens detained in some instances.

Jesus went further than Peter, telling followers, “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 8:44) Then He modeled it on the cross.

 

To reciprocate, or not to reciprocate, that is the question:

Whether it’s right to absorb

Words or actions that are untrue or unjust,

Or to retaliate, returning insult or slight for insult or slight

 

Dr. Robert Cialdini’s principle of reciprocity is one of the most powerful drivers of human behavior. It’s built into each of us and has helped us survive and thrive as a species.

When someone gives, we feel compelled to give back. Done well, it creates what I call a virtuous cycle—a positive exchange that builds trust, strengthens relationships, and multiplies goodwill.

But reciprocity isn’t always virtuous, and sometimes the best choice is not to reciprocate at all.

The Virtuous Cycle of Reciprocity

When reciprocity is guided by the principles of unity or liking, supported by the desire to do good, it can transform relationships. Think about when you go out of your way to help a friend or coworker—not because you expect something back, but because you value them and the relationship. More often than not, your kindness comes back to you in ways you didn’t anticipate. That’s reciprocity at its best. It builds bridges, not walls.

The Vicious Cycle of Retaliation

But, like most things in life, good can become bad, and so it is with reciprocity. It has a dark side. If someone slights us, we feel the natural urge to retaliate. When we do, they respond in kind. The back and forth continues until both sides are entrenched in hostility.

This is the vicious cycle. You see it everywhere:

  • Political parties locked in endless conflict
  • Families divided by old wounds
  • Countries, neighbors, or coworkers who can’t let go of a grievance

What began as an offense spirals into bitterness and broken relationships.

When Not to Reciprocate

Here’s where wisdom comes into play. Not every action deserves a response in kind. When wronged, sometimes choosing not to reciprocate can be the most powerful move you can make.

Imagine yourself carrying two buckets: one full of gasoline, the other full of water. When conflict arises, which will you throw on the fire?

In my upcoming book, Influenced from Above, I write about how love calls us to something higher than score-keeping. Love and unity invite us to break the chain reaction of hostility. They ask us to absorb the wrong, to forgive, and oftentimes to respond with kindness even though it’s not deserved.

This approach doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. It means refusing to be controlled by another person or your emotions, refusing to let someone else’s negativity dictate your response.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do you do it? Here are three ideas.

  1. Pause before reacting. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, reminded readers in Man’s Search for Meaning, there is freedom between stimulus and response—choice.  Ask yourself, “Will my response escalate or de-escalate?”
  2. Choose vulnerability. Sometimes forgiveness—without defensiveness—softens even the hardest heart. Jesus was reviled but did not revile in return and in so doing, showed us what true love looks like.
  3. Lead with love. Look for what unites you with another, not what divides. In many instances, people want the same thing, they just have different ideas about how to make that happen.

When you choose to stop the cycle, you give others permission to do the same. And even if they don’t, you protect your own peace and integrity. Proverbs 15:1 encourages this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Your Impact, Your Choice

Reciprocity is built into us. But the direction it takes—virtuous or vicious—is a choice that each of us is capable of making. Every interaction is an opportunity to decide whether you’ll escalate conflict or deescalate with kindness.

When we choose love over retaliation, we reflect something bigger than ourselves. We model the kind of unity our families, communities, and country desperately need.

Let’s Talk

What about you?

  • Have you ever chosen not to reciprocate and seen the situation change for the better?
  • On the flipside, have you watched retaliation spiral until it destroyed a relationship?

I encourage you to share your experience because it might be just what someone else needs to hear today.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Why Faith Shapes How We Influence, Even at Work

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When I started my career in July 1986—fresh out of Miami University and working for Travelers Insurance—the workplace looked very different than it does today.

A few obvious examples:

  • No laptops or smartphones
  • No working from home
  • Suit and tie every day

But one of the biggest differences had nothing to do with technology or dress codes. It was what you didn’t talk about at work.

Off Limits

Sex, religion, and politics were strictly off-limits. You were paid to do a job, not share personal views or advocate for social causes on company time. The unspoken agreement was simple: leave those things at home.

Fast forward 40 years, and the landscape has changed dramatically.

Not only are those topics now part of the business environment, but they also show up daily on platforms like LinkedIn. In many cases, it almost feels expected that you’ll share where you stand on social, political, or deeply personal issues.

A Turning Point

That shift is one reason my most recent book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet, marked a turning point for me. I decided to be more open about my faith—not to proselytize, but to give people permission and hope that this part of their lives doesn’t have to be hidden.

At this stage of my career, being able to integrate what I’ve studied and taught for decades—the science of influence—with what matters most to me personally—faith—is icing on the cake.

For years, we were told religion was private and should be confined to homes or places of worship. But if what the Bible teaches is true—that the Holy Spirit dwells within believers—then faith doesn’t stay put. It goes wherever we go. It shapes our worldview, our decisions, and how we treat people, even when we’re not explicitly talking about faith.

That means faith shows up at work whether we acknowledge it or not.

An Exchange of Ideas

I was reminded of this recently during a LinkedIn message exchange. Although the other person was a Christian, he felt LinkedIn wasn’t the place to share thoughts on religion. I respectfully disagreed. My reasoning was simple: we now see open discussion of topics that were once completely unacceptable in professional settings. Faith, when expressed thoughtfully and respectfully, shouldn’t be uniquely excluded.

What mattered most to me wasn’t convincing about my view—it was how we engaged. The exchange was honest, curious, and civil. At the end, after I invited him to continue the conversation sometime, he replied, “Candor and disagreement without vitriol! Who would have thought. Thank you for the invitation.”

That response affirmed something I’ve long believed: influence isn’t about persuasion at all costs; it’s about relationships built on respect.

Getting Comfortable

I’ll admit—it took me time to get comfortable seeing posts about sobriety journeys, politics, social issues, and deeply personal struggles in professional spaces. Whether I agree or disagree with someone’s decision to share regarding a particular topic isn’t the point. The reality is that this is now part of the business landscape.

I typically don’t engage in those conversations because too often they devolve into debate which too often causes division rather than dialogue. But choosing not to engage, or doing so one-on-one, is different from choosing to hide.

I know being more vocal about how faith informs my thinking on influence will rub some people the wrong way. That’s okay. I’m not trying to convince anyone. I’m simply sharing my lived experience in the hope that it encourages others to consider how their deepest values already shape how they lead, sell, hire, and influence—whether they realize it or not.

Faith and Values

Faith doesn’t turn off when we walk into the office or log onto LinkedIn. Neither do our values. The real question isn’t whether they influence us—but whether we’re willing to reflect on how they do that.

That reflection, I believe, makes us better humans, better leaders, and more ethical influencers.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. The Influencer, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence in everyday situations.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 800,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Why We Often Miss Seeing and Hearing God

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One of the questions I’m asked often, especially by people of faith, is this: “How do you know when God is speaking?”

It’s an important question. And after decades of journaling, reflecting, and walking with God, I’ve come to believe the answer has less to do with whether God is speaking and more to do with whether we’re noticing.

The Car You Suddenly See Everywhere

This may sound familiar, especially if you think about the last time you bought a new car.

When you bought your new car, did you notice you started seeing that car everywhere? You see it on the highway, in parking lots, and at stoplights.

Of course, your car was always out there. It just wasn’t grabbing your attention.

In my work around ethical influence, I use this example often. We talk about Opportunities, the “O” in my PEOPLE acronym. Opportunities to influence people are everywhere, but we miss them when we don’t understand the language of influence and because our limited attention is elsewhere.

I believe the same principle applies to hearing God.

When God Spoke Loudly

Early in my faith, God’s voice felt urgent and intense.

I sensed Him interrupting my thoughts, confronting me through Scripture, or convicting me in moments of temptation. Everything felt high-stakes, but nonetheless, I often wondered: Was that God or just my self-talk?

At that stage of life, I needed God to be obvious. And in His grace, He often was.

Looking back, I don’t see immaturity in that season. I see His mercy. God met me where my attention already was; fearful at times, constantly searching, and usually on high alert.

When Awareness Began to Change

Over time, something shifted. God didn’t stop speaking but He stopped interrupting so dramatically. Instead of isolated moments, I began noticing patterns:

  • Lessons repeating in different situations,
  • Scripture shaping more and more how I thought rather than how I felt,
  • Conviction unfolding slowly instead of all at once.

I stopped asking, “Is this God?” and started asking, “What is God trying to teach me right now that I might be missing?” That was an important change.

Opportunity Requires Attention

In influence, opportunity only matters if we see it. With faith, it’s the same.

I’ve come to believe that many people say God seems “silent” not because He’s absent, but because their attention is elsewhere, focusing on the noise, urgency, performance, or given over to distraction.

Today, I most often recognize God at work:

  • During early morning walks,
  • In quiet reflection rather than emotional intensity,
  • Through memories that suddenly make sense,
  • And in a settled conviction that doesn’t demand immediate action.

God’s voice is quieter now but clearer. Like the car on the road, He is always there but sometimes my attention/awareness has to come back into focus.

Patterns I Can’t Ignore

Across decades, a few patterns are unmistakable. I notice God most clearly when:

  • My body is moving but my mind is still,
  • I’ve chosen honesty over self-image,
  • I’m with people who truly know me,
  • And, often after the moment has passed.

That last one matters. Some of the clearest times I recognized God speaking and orchestrating things in my life were only in hindsight. I didn’t force meaning, it simply emerged as a lesson that might come in handy in the future.

A Final Thought

If God feels quieter in your life right now, it may not mean He’s absent. It may mean:

  • your life is less driven by fear,
  • your attention is being trained,
  • your awareness is being refined.

Opportunities to influence are everywhere—but we miss them if we’re not looking.

The same may be true of God at work in our lives.

I’m curious—what have you started noticing lately that you might not have seen before?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. The Influencer, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence in everyday situations.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 800,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!