Transformation: Going from Persuasive to Influential

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You can learn what to say to become more persuasive. But who are you becoming as you learn to say it?

That question gets at the difference between applying influence principles and allowing them to change us on the inside, and as a result, how we relate to people.

I experienced something similar when I became a runner. For years, I lifted weights and competed in powerlifting and bodybuilding. At that time, if you’d asked me about running, my response would have been, “I hate it!” Why burn precious calories that could be put to better use in the gym?

About a decade after I stopped competing, a friend convinced about a dozen of us that we could run the Columbus Marathon. With some prompting from my wife, I decided to give it a shot.

Much to my surprise, I began to enjoy running, especially how I felt afterward. Eventually, I fell in love with it and somewhere along the way, my identity changed. I no longer saw myself as a weightlifter, I was runner!

Getting up early to run in the dark became a natural part of my life. I didn’t have to debate the decision every morning. Runners run, and I was a runner.

That didn’t mean running became effortless. My lungs burned during speed work. My legs ached during long weekend runs. Marathon training still demanded discipline and effort, but the willingness came more naturally.

That distinction was highlighted this weekend while listening to a Dallas Willard podcast about the transformed life.

When Doing Flows from Becoming

Some of the things Jesus calls us to do can seem incredibly difficult.

  • Love your enemies.
  • Turn the other cheek.
  • Embrace meekness in a world that rewards displays of power.

If I’m filled with resentment, loving an enemy will feel like a battle. If I’m determined to prove I’m right, responding gently may feel almost impossible. I can try to force the right behavior but something deeper needs to change.

In the Christian life, that ongoing transformation is called sanctification. As we learn to trust Christ and become more like Him, our responses can begin to flow from the inside, from a changed heart.

Loving a difficult person may still be costly. Responding with patience will still require effort. But the willingness to take those steps gradually becomes easier because those actions increasingly reflect who we are becoming.

Just as becoming a runner changed my relationship with running, inner transformation changes our relationship with what Jesus calls us to do.

What Does This Have to Do with Influence?

When I teach influence, people learn practical ways to communicate more effectively. Those skills matter. Knowing how to make a clear request, establish credibility, or find common ground can make a meaningful difference. But there’s another question to consider:

Are we only becoming better at gaining agreement, or are we becoming people others have good reason to trust and follow?

In Influenced from Above, I explore connections between Dr. Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence and faith.

Consider liking. Finding similarities and offering sincere praise can strengthen a relationship. As we become more interested in others, those practices grow out of genuine curiosity and appreciation. This can become a first step towards brotherly love for another.

With unity, recognizing a shared identity can make agreement easier. That connection also invites us to care about another person’s well-being because we see ourselves as belonging together. This exemplifies agape love.

Commitment and consistency remind us of the importance of keeping our word. Letting our yes be yes and our no be no builds trust through everyday faithfulness.

And reciprocity helps explain why generosity often invites generosity in return. The Golden Rule takes our attention beyond the return: How would I want to be treated if I were in this person’s circumstances?

These principles help us understand influence. Inner transformation shapes the reasons we use them to serve other. It all but removes the need to consider the difference between manipulation and ethical influence. After all, I wouldn’t manipulate a friend and I’m sure you wouldn’t either.

Practice with a Deeper Purpose

We don’t have to wait until we’re transformed to begin. Practice matters because doing often leads to becoming. I became a runner by running, and we can grow in generosity, honesty, and care by practicing them.

But the goal reaches beyond mastering an influence approach. It’s becoming someone whose words and actions consistently express a sincere concern for others. Someone who can accept a “no” without abandoning the relationship. That’s when ethical influence begins to flow from who we are.

Something for you to consider: What began as a skill you practiced that eventually became part of who you are?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

The Self-Love Delusion

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A post I read last week urged people to love themselves more. It promised greater confidence, healthier relationships, and a happier life. Judging by the comments, the message struck a chord with readers. In fact, no one challenged any of the assumptions.

I understand why. Many people carry regret, feel inadequate, or struggle to accept aspects of themselves. They deserve compassion and understanding. Still, I wonder whether more self-love is the answer.

If loving yourself were the problem, when Jesus was asked about the greatest command He might have said, “Love yourself with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength because only then can love God and your neighbor. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have.”

But we know He didn’t say that. He told us to start with God, to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Right on the heels of that He said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” The order matters, God then neighbor. Think of it this way: on the airplane He’s the oxygen mask you put on first so you can help others.

“As yourself” acknowledges something familiar: we tend to notice our own needs above other’s needs. We want to be heard, understood, and treated fairly. Jesus asks us to bring that same focus and concern to someone else.

That’s challenging because our attention so easily turns inward. Even when we dislike something about ourselves, we can spend enormous energy thinking about it. Our appearance, mistakes, status, and future can fill the room, leaving little space to notice the person beside us.

I see a parallel in my work teaching influence. The most persuasive people aren’t consumed with how they’re coming across. They pay attention to others. They listen for what matters to the other person and consider how they can genuinely help. Ethical influence begins with that shift in attention, away from self to the other.

None of this means neglecting your health, denying your worth, or accepting mistreatment. Caring for yourself equips you to show up for others. But if self-improvement or self-love becomes an endless project, it can keep your attention fixed on the very person you’re trying to move beyond.

Humility offers another way. It’s not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking about yourself less. The less we focus on ourselves, the more capacity we have to focus on others. What does this person need? What might I be missing? How can I love God and my neighbor in this moment?

This week, when you catch yourself dwelling on how you’re doing, try turning your attention toward someone nearby. Listen a little longer. Offer encouragement. Ask a better question.

Have you found that focusing on someone else changes how you feel about yourself?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Loving Unlikable and Difficult People

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Years ago, I heard a sermon about dealing with difficult people. We all have them in our lives—family members, neighbors, coworkers, or acquaintances we would rather avoid.

Then the pastor said something I have never forgotten: “When I talk about difficult people, remember—someone is thinking about you.” Yikes!

It is easy to identify the people who make our lives difficult. It is much harder to imagine that we might be that person for someone else.

That raises an important question: How do we love people we don’t like?

C.S. Lewis wrestled with this in Mere Christianity. He acknowledged that there were people he didn’t particularly like, which made it difficult to understand how he could love them. Then he realized there was someone else he didn’t always like—himself.

There were times when he disliked his behavior or was deeply disappointed in himself. Yet even in those moments, he continued to seek his own good. He wanted to improve, be forgiven, and become a better person.

That led him to an important realization: Liking and loving are related, but they are not the same. We don’t have to feel affection for someone to love them. Love can begin with a decision to seek what is good for that person.

As a Christian, I’m called to love my enemies. That command makes more sense when I stop viewing love only as a feeling. Biblical love is also a choice. It’s the choice to do right by someone, even when it costs me and even when the person has done nothing to earn it.

In everyday life, love might mean helping a stranded motorist, supporting an overwhelmed coworker, or giving a few dollars to someone who comes up short at the register. We do those things because we recognize another person’s need and respond as we hope someone would respond to us.

What does any of this have to do with influence? Quite a bit.

Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence can help us change not only how other people respond to us but also how we see them.

Consider the principle of Liking. Most people assume it means getting others to like us. But an equally important question is: What am I doing to genuinely like the other person?

Looking for similarities can help. Perhaps you cheer for the same team, enjoy the same hobby, have similar family experiences, or care about the same cause. Those commonalities do not erase your differences, but they can shorten the distance between you.

Genuine compliments can have a similar effect. When you intentionally look for something good in another person—a strength, thoughtful action, or admirable quality—you begin to see more than the traits that irritate you. Your feelings may not change immediately, but your perspective often does.

Unity takes us deeper because it is based on shared identity. You may not enjoy being around a particular family member, but because that person is part of your family, you may make sacrifices for them that you would not make for someone else.

Shared identity can extend beyond family. We might see ourselves as members of the same organization, community, profession, country, or faith. The more we view another person as “one of us” rather than “one of them,” the easier it becomes to care about their well-being.

This naturally happens because, as Cialdini points out in his book Pre-suasion, “People experience unusually high stimulation in the self-reward centers of their brains after aiding a family member. It’s as if by doing so, they are aiding themselves.”

Reciprocity also offers an unexpected path. We usually think of it as helping others because they have helped us. But choosing to give first can change us too. When we invest our time, attention, or energy in another person, we may begin to see them as someone worth investing in.

None of this means ignoring destructive behavior, abandoning healthy boundaries, or pretending harmful actions are acceptable. Loving someone does not require allowing them to mistreat us but it does mean refusing to reduce a person to the qualities we find difficult.

Tina Turner famously asked, “What’s love got to do with it?” In God’s eyes, everything.

Who is someone you find difficult to like? What might change if, instead of waiting for warmer feelings, you chose one small way to seek that person’s good?

And one more question worth considering: Who might be trying to do the same with you?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Giving Changes the Giver

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Most of us understand the principle of reciprocity this way: When someone does something for us, we feel some obligation to give back.

Obligation is a heavy word, it weighs on us, and that’s why reciprocity is such a powerful principle of influence. Give first, particularly when what you give is meaningful, customized, and unexpected, and people are more willing to help you in return. But there’s another side of reciprocity we don’t talk about nearly as much.

Giving Changes the Giver

I learned this years ago when my wife, Jane, turned 52. I wanted to give her something extra special for her birthday, so I came up with an idea I’d never heard of anyone doing: 52 gifts for her 52nd birthday. Rather than giving them all at once, I promised to give her one gift every week for an entire year.

Naturally, Jane enjoyed receiving a gift each week but something unexpected happened to me along the way. I started paying more attention to my wife.

Because I needed to come up with 52 gifts, I found myself listening more carefully to things she said. I noticed what caught her attention. I thought about what might surprise her, make her smile, or let her know I was thinking about her. Our daughter, Abigail, even became part of the process because I often ran ideas by her, or we shopped together.

I started the project thinking about what I could give Jane. I didn’t realize what I would receive in return.

Reciprocity Works in Two Directions

When we think about reciprocity as an influence principle, our attention naturally goes to the recipient: If I give something to you, you’re more likely to give something back to me. That’s true but focusing only on the return misses some important things:

  • Giving can change our attention.
  • Giving can deepen our appreciation.
  • Giving can strengthen relationships.

And perhaps most importantly, giving can shift our attention away from ourselves. But there is an important qualifier: our motive matters.

If I’m buying your lunch while mentally keeping track of what you owe me, that’s not really generosity. It’s a transaction with delayed payment. The best giving doesn’t keep score and ironically, that’s often when we receive the most.

A thoughtful note of encouragement forces us to think about what we appreciate in another person. Helping a colleague requires us to notice what they’re struggling with. Giving someone our undivided attention requires us to stop thinking about what we’re going to say next and actually listen. The recipient benefits and so do we.

The Gift You Didn’t Expect

There’s an old saying that it’s better to give than to receive. As a kid waiting for Christmas morning, I wasn’t buying it.

Now I understand it differently because receiving depends on someone else deciding to give. But giving is almost always available to us. We can encourage someone. Make an introduction. Share useful information. Let someone merge into traffic. Pick up the check. Give credit to a colleague. Put down the phone and listen.

None of those things requires keeping a mental ledger. And when generosity becomes part of who we are rather than merely something we use, some interesting things happen:

  • We begin looking for opportunities to help.
  • We notice people more.
  • We become more grateful for what we already have.

And sometimes generosity spreads because people who experience kindness are inspired to extend it to someone else. That’s influence at its best.

So, yes, reciprocity tells us that when we give, people often feel inclined to give back. But perhaps the most important return isn’t what comes back from them. It’s what happens inside us.

Sometimes when you give, the recipient isn’t the only one receiving a gift.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Influence from the Inside Out

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Last week I wrote about why I believe a Loving and Eternal approach to influence is a higher calling than merely Lasting and Ethical.

A LinkedIn connection, Reyes Castillo, asked a great follow-up question: “I’m curious how that shows up in your actual coaching. What’s the first thing someone usually has to stop doing once they start asking what’s best for the other person instead of what’s allowed?”

I pondered Reyes’ question on one of my morning walks. What kept coming to me was this: I don’t think it starts with something we need to stop doing. I think it starts with something we need to do, so we can become.

Influence From the Inside Out

I believe genuine transformation happens from the inside out. It’s not primarily about what we do; it’s about who we are becoming.

Jesus illustrated this when He challenged the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup so the outside would be clean too. He made the same point another way when He said a good tree produces good fruit.

In both cases, the message is similar: what comes out of us is largely determined by what is happening within us.

That’s why my answer to Reyes comes down to a change in attitude before a change in behavior. And one of Cialdini’s principles of influence illustrates this beautifully.

Do You Want People to Like You?

The principle of Liking tells us we’re more likely to say yes to people we know and like.

When people learn that, their natural reaction is often, “How can I get people to like me?” That’s understandable but I think it’s backwards.

Instead of trying to get people to like you, start looking for reasons to genuinely like them.

Here’s what’s interesting. Two things that cause you to like me: discovering what we have in common and receiving genuine compliments. But here’s something interesting: both cause me to like you!

If I ask questions looking for similarities, I’ll probably discover things we have in common. If I’m paying attention to what’s admirable about you, I’ll find opportunities to offer genuine compliments.

The behaviors might look exactly the same whether my goal is getting you to like me or discovering reasons to like you.

But something important has changed. Me. My attention has shifted from myself to you, and people can often sense the difference.

When you sense that I genuinely like you, you’re more likely to trust that I have your best interests at heart. After all, we tend to believe friends will do right by friends. That’s influence from the inside out.

Ethical Is Good. Loving Goes Further.

This brings me back to Lasting and Ethical versus Loving and Eternal.

Ethical influence asks important questions: Is what I’m doing honest? Is it appropriate? Am I respecting the other person’s freedom to choose?

Those questions matter. I’ve taught them for decades, and I always will. But love asks another question: Do I genuinely want what’s best for this person?

That’s a higher bar. And here’s where it gets challenging.

Two people can say exactly the same words, ask exactly the same questions, and use exactly the same principles of influence.

One may be thinking, How can I get this person to say yes?

The other may be thinking, How can I help this person make the best decision?

Outwardly, they may look identical but inwardly, they’re miles apart.

That’s why moving from ethical influence to loving influence isn’t primarily about learning another technique. It’s about becoming a different kind of person. And when we become different on the inside, different behavior eventually follows.

Perhaps the first question isn’t, “What should I stop doing?” Maybe it’s, “Who am I becoming and what do I genuinely want for the person I’m trying to influence?”

For those I’ve worked with over the years, I’d especially like to hear your thoughts. Does this change how you think about using the principles of influence?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Lasting and Ethical Influence or Loving and Eternal?

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After publishing Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet, I had a eureka moment.

If you’ve followed Influence PEOPLE for any length of time, you know PEOPLE is an acronym: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical.

One day it hit me that PEOPLE could also mean: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Loving and Eternal.

I don’t see Loving and Eternal as replacing Lasting and Ethical. I see it as going deeper. But that raises an important question: What does it mean to love?

We often hear things like:

  • “Love is love.” That doesn’t tell us much. It’s like saying, “A car is a car.”
  • “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Whoever wrote that was never in a loving relationship! There’s no one I love more than my wife, and I say, “I’m sorry,” a lot.
  • “If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” I love what I do with Influence PEOPLE, but trust me, some parts still feel like work!

Fortunately, the Bible gives us something much more substantial.

What Does Love Look Like?

If you’ve attended more than a few weddings, you’ve probably heard 1 Corinthians 13, often referred to as “the love chapter.”

The Apostle Paul tells us love is patient and kind. It rejoices in truth. It bears, believes, hopes, and endures.

He also tells us what love is not. Love doesn’t envy or boast. It isn’t arrogant, rude, irritable, or resentful. It doesn’t insist on its own way or rejoice in wrongdoing.

And most importantly, love never ends.

It’s easy to read that passage as a checklist: Be more patient. Don’t get irritated. Be kind. Stop insisting on your own way. But trying to do those things is about as successful as New Year’s Resolutions.

I think God is after something much deeper. He wants to transform us into people who increasingly becomepatient, kind, truthful, hopeful, and selfless. Rather than constantly managing our exterior (our behavior, reputation, or “brand”), He wants to change us from the inside out.

Christians call that process sanctification. Over time, through the work of the Holy Spirit, we become more like Jesus, and that changes how we influence people.

Love Has a Cost

There’s something else we shouldn’t overlook. Loving people doesn’t guarantee everything will turn out the way we want. The prophets often suffered for speaking truth. Jesus loved perfectly, yet He was rejected, betrayed, and crucified.

That matters because we can easily judge our influence by the response we get; Did they agree with me? Did they change? Did I get the sale? Did they say yes? Did they like my post?

Those may be outcomes we’d like, but they aren’t necessarily measures of loving influence. Sometimes loving someone means telling them a truth they don’t want to hear. Sometimes it means putting their interests ahead of our own. Sometimes it means accepting a “no” when we desperately wanted a “yes.” In other words, love can cost us something.

Lasting and Ethical, or Loving and Eternal?

For years I’ve taught people to look for Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical. I still believe deeply in that standard. But Loving and Eternal challenges me differently.

Ethics can tempt us to focus on the line: What am I allowed to do? How far can I go? Am I technically doing anything wrong?

Love asks a different question: What is best for this person? That changes influence.

When the other person becomes more important than getting our way, manipulation loses its appeal. When truth matters more than winning, deception is off the table. When we genuinely want what is good for someone, ethical behavior becomes less about following rules and more about who we’re becoming.

And perhaps that’s where Eternal comes in. Most of our opportunities to influence seem ordinary; a conversation with a coworker, an interaction with a customer, advice to a friend, a moment with a spouse, child, or grandchild.

But we rarely know how far the influence of those moments will travel.

Lasting and Ethical asks, “How can I influence people the right way?”

Loving and Eternal asks, “Who am I becoming as I influence them and what might God do with that influence long after this moment is over?”

I’ve spent decades studying, practicing, and teaching influence, and I’m increasingly convinced that’s the more important question.

What do you think? Does Loving and Eternal change how you think about influence compared with Lasting and Ethical?

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Why a Six-Foot Putt Isn’t Always a Six-Foot Putt

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I used to play golf, but I haven’t picked up the clubs in decades. My wife Jane, however, is a big-time golfer, so when the major championships and other big PGA tournaments roll around, we spend plenty of Saturdays and Sundays watching.

This past Sunday we watched the final round of the BMW Championship. Wyndham Clark began the day with a five-shot lead. By the back nine, that lead had disappeared. Then, after some mistakes by the golfers chasing him and a fantastic three-birdie finish, Clark walked away with a well-earned three-shot victory.

Watching the drama unfold reminded me of fascinating research I came across years ago.

Is a six-foot putt just a six-foot putt?

Physically, perhaps. Psychologically, not necessarily.

In 2011, researchers Devin Pope and Maurice Schweitzer published “Is Tiger Woods Loss Averse? Persistent Bias in the Face of Experience, Competition, and High Stakes” in the American Economic Review.

Using precise ShotLink measurements, they analyzed more than 2.5 million PGA Tour putts from 421 golfers over a five-year period (2004–2009).

Their finding? Professional golfers were approximately 2 to 4 percentage points more likely to make a par putt than a comparable birdie putt.

Think about that. Same golfer. Same distance. Similar circumstances. But a different result depending, in part, on whether the putt was for birdie or par.

Why? Loss Aversion!

Loss aversion is closely related to Cialdini’s principle of scarcity. Behavioral scientists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky famously demonstrated that losses tend to loom larger psychologically than equivalent gains. We hate losing more than we enjoy gaining.

Now think about golf. Standing over a birdie putt, the golfer has an opportunity to gain a stroke relative to par. Miss it and, assuming the next putt goes in, par is still available.

Standing over a par putt feels different. Miss it and the golfer loses a stroke.

Objectively, every stroke counts the same on the scorecard. Psychologically, however, they don’t necessarily feel the same in the moment. That subtle difference appears to influence even the best golfers in the world.

Interestingly, Pope and Schweitzer found the difference between par and birdie putting decreased as tournaments progressed, from 3.8 percentage points in the first round to 2.1 in the final round, but the phenomenon never completely disappeared.

The drop was attributed to another change in psychology. In the final round players are more concerned with their score vs. the field of golfers as opposed to their score against par for the course in earlier rounds.

That’s important because professional golfers have enormous experience, practice relentlessly, compete under intense pressure, and have potentially millions of dollars riding on their performance.

Yet they’re still human. So are you and I, and here’s the larger lesson. Scarcity isn’t always a salesperson telling you, “Only two left!” or a website flashing, “Sale ends at midnight!”

Sometimes scarcity is simply the possibility of losing something you already have. A golfer desperately wants to avoid dropping a stroke and…

  • A customer worries about losing a benefit.
  • An investor doesn’t want to give back gains.
  • A leader worries about losing status.

In each case, the possibility of loss may influence the decision more than an equivalent opportunity for gain.

That’s why ethical influence starts with awareness. The goal isn’t to manipulate someone’s fear of loss. It’s to understand how people naturally make decisions then communicate relevant information truthfully.

So, the next time you’re making an important decision, ask yourself: Am I pursuing something I genuinely want, or am I reacting more strongly because I’m afraid of losing something?

The difference may be more significant than you realize.

And if you happen to be a golfer reading this, I’m curious: Do you feel different standing over a six-foot birdie putt versus a six-foot par putt?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Last Year We Lost $3.77 Billion. But…

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Imagine having to stand in front of your shareholders and say: “Last year we lost $3.77 billion.” That was the situation Warren Buffett faced after Berkshire Hathaway’s difficult 2001.

I first heard this story from Robert Cialdini in 2004, when he spoke at several State Auto agency partner meetings. He used Buffett’s situation to illustrate something most of us overlook: The order in which we present information can dramatically change how people receive it.

Buffett had some very bad news to deliver. Berkshire Hathaway’s value had declined by billions. But there was also important context. From 1965 through 2001, the S&P 500 had produced an overall gain of 4,742%. Not bad but during that same period, Berkshire Hathaway’s gain in per-share book value was an astounding 194,938%!

Think about that for a moment. If you had invested $1 in the S&P 500 in 1965, it would have grown to roughly $48 by the end of 2001. A dollar invested in Berkshire Hathaway would have grown to about $1,950.

So, how should Buffett frame the bad news? Consider these two approaches:

“I’d like to remind you that the management team at Berkshire Hathaway has dramatically outperformed the S&P 500 over the past 36 years. However, last year the value of your company went down by $3.77 billion.”

Now reverse it:

“Last year the value of your company went down by $3.77 billion. However, I’d like to remind you that the management team at Berkshire Hathaway has dramatically outperformed the S&P 500 over the past 36 years.”

Same facts. Same words. Different order. Very different feeling.

In the first version, you’re left thinking, They lost $3.77 billion! In the second, your attention ends up on decades of incredible performance. Small change, big difference. That’s the power of a small word like “but” or “however.” What follows those words often receives greater attention, while what came before can feel discounted.

You’ve probably experienced this yourself:

  • “You did a great job on the presentation, but…”
  • “I really like your proposal, however…”
  • “Honey, I love you, but…”

Once we hear that transition, we brace ourselves. Whatever came first suddenly feels less important. That makes this more than an interesting communication trick. It’s something to think about whenever you’re delivering feedback, presenting an idea, selling, negotiating, leading a team, or having a difficult conversation.

Before you speak, ask yourself: What do I want this person focused on when I’m finished?

Sometimes you want the negative information to stand out because change is needed. Other times, you want people to keep a setback in perspective by focusing on the larger positive picture.

Neither approach requires hiding facts or manipulating people. Ethical influence isn’t about changing the truth. It’s about communicating the truth in a way that helps people understand what matters most.

So, the next time you find yourself about to say “but” or “however,” pay attention to what comes next because everything you say may be true, but what you say last might change how everything else is heard. And yes, I chose that order on purpose.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Womb to Tomb… You Influence People Your Entire Life

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When I teach the science of ethical influence, I often tell audiences that influence is a skill we use from womb to tomb.

Most people nod in affirmation when they hear that. Then I share research cited by Dan Pink in To Sell Is Human. He found that the average American worker spends about 40% of their workday trying to persuade, convince, or influence others in ways that have nothing to do with making a sale. For sales professionals, that percentage is even higher.

In other words, influence isn’t something a few people do. It’s something all of us do—far more often than we realize.

My grandson Emmett has reminded me of that for the last 17 months. When Emmett was born on March 14, 2025, he had no words. Yet he still knew how to influence the people around him in order to get his needs met.

When he was hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or wanted to be held, he cried. Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa had to figure out what he needed. Once we did, the crying stopped.

Without vocabulary or negotiation skills, he influenced us. He was changing how those around him thought, felt, and most importantly, behaved.

As he’s grown, so has his ability to communicate but before he could utter a word, our daughter Abigail, an American Sign Language major in college, began teaching Emmett simple signs.

Today, if he’s frustrated, she can ask, “Do you want more?” If that’s what he needs, he signs “more.” If he’s struggling with something, she asks, “Do you need help?” He signs “help.”

He still doesn’t have all the words he needs, but he has learned new ways to influence the people around him so his needs can be met. If you’ve raised children, you know how much easier it is to deal with a child who understands and communicates his or her needs.

Watching that unfold reminded me that influence isn’t manipulation. It’s communication with purpose. It’s helping other people understand what we need, what we value, or what we believe so they can make informed decisions. And it doesn’t stop in childhood.

Just a few months ago, Jane’s father passed away, only months before his 99th birthday. His body had grown weak, and speaking became difficult. Yet even then, he continued to influence those around him—with his expressions, his gestures, his presence, and the love he showed his family.

From the first cries of a newborn to the final days of life, influence is part of being human. That’s why I often ask audiences a simple question: Wouldn’t you agree; much of your professional success and personal happiness depends on hearing “yes”?

Whether you’re leading a team, serving customers, raising children, negotiating with a client, or simply trying to strengthen a relationship, influence is at work.

The good news is that ethical influence isn’t about getting your way. It’s about understanding people well enough to communicate in ways that benefit everyone involved.

That’s been the mission of Influence PEOPLE from the very beginning—through my books, LinkedIn Learning courses, articles, keynote presentations, and workshops.

If you and your organization could benefit from hearing “yes” more often, let’s start a conversation to see how I can help.

And I’d love to hear from you. When did you first realize that influence wasn’t just something salespeople do, but something we all use every day?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Article content

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Just Tell Me What to Do

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I recently read a LinkedIn post where the author shared a fascinating study about music in a wine shop. Simply changing the background music dramatically shifted whether customers bought French or German wine.

Then someone commented: “What kind of music should I play in my toy store?”

I understood the question. But I also think it revealed something about human nature.

We love quick fixes. We assume that if one tactic worked somewhere else, it will work for us too.

Imagine someone saying, “I want to get in shape. What should I do?” The easy answer is, “Exercise more and eat better.” But is that really helpful?

What if they’re already eating well? What if they already work out three days a week? What if they’re training for a marathon instead of trying to lose weight?

A good fitness trainer doesn’t begin with advice. They begin with questions. They want to understand the person’s goals, current habits, limitations, schedule, and health before recommending a plan.

Business isn’t much different.

Could the toy store owner play songs from the Toy Story soundtrack? Sure.

Would it help? Maybe. Or maybe not.

A good consultant wouldn’t start with a playlist. They would spend time understanding the business, its customers, what has and hasn’t worked, and what success looks like before making recommendations.

Real transformation—whether it’s improving your health, growing a business, or becoming more influential—rarely comes from copying someone else’s tactic. It comes from understanding why something works and whether it fits your situation.

I see this regularly in my own work.

Clients rarely read Influence or Pre-Suasion and immediately know how to apply those ideas to their organizations. The books expand their thinking and help them recognize possibilities, but translating decades of behavioral science into practical action usually requires deeper analysis.

That’s why research matters.

This is where research-based approaches can make a big difference. For example, people were asked what would most likely motivate their decision to be more energy conscious.

Most people who are asked that question would say, if they knew if they could save money that would prompt their decision. However, that answer would be incorrect. What research shows is this; more people decided to conserve energy when they found out their neighbors were doing so. That’s the power of social proof.

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say certain influence approaches are just “common sense.” But the reality is, our common sense, our individual understanding of human behavior, is often not the right approach to bring about desired change.

One more example. If you observe how people advertise their services, quite often they talk about how much customers might gain. But research shows people are more motivated when they realize they’re losing.

How would this look?

If I were a financial advisor, I could tell a client based on their age, income, and how much longer they say they’re going to work, “If we can find a way for you to save just one percent more, you will have an extra $100,000 in your retirement account.”

But research shows that a more effective approach would be to point out how much of their retirement savings they will be giving up if they don’t find a way to save just one percent more.

It’s a simple shift, but it isn’t an obvious one. Without decades of behavioral research, most people wouldn’t naturally arrive at that conclusion.

That’s why the right answer is often different from the quick answer.

When we’re looking for better results—in business, leadership, sales, or life—we’re usually better served by understanding the problem before searching for the solution.

Quick fixes are appealing because they promise immediate results.

The right fix often takes more time, more thought, and a willingness to dig deeper.

But that’s almost always where lasting success is found.

What do you think? Have you ever chased a “quick fix” only to discover the real solution required a much deeper understanding? I’d enjoy hearing your experience in the comments.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!