I Don’t Like that Person…

You’ve been there before, haven’t you? You meet someone, and something inside says, “I don’t like that person.” Or maybe the dislike stems from a bad interaction. Abraham Lincoln felt the same way at times, but he knew how to remedy the situation.

One of my favorite books is Team of Rivals by Doris Kerns Goodwin. Her biography on Lincoln’s life revealed the truth that he had many detractors. He was viewed by some as a country bumpkin. Others saw him as uneducated. One person even called him a baboon. Sounds a bit like MSNBC and Fox News before they were a thing.

Lincoln’s challenge was this: each Republican he ran against in the Republican primary had skills the nation needed. When he won the presidential election, he persuaded each to join his cabinet. As much as we’d like to believe they simply set aside their differences, that wasn’t the case. Each still had aspirations for the nation’s highest office, so they agreed to join him, but some worked against him for a time.

How do you work with people you honestly don’t like or who don’t like you? Lincoln put it this way, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.

Lincoln didn’t try to get those men to like him. Rather, he put his energies into getting to know them better so he would like them. Two principles of influence are at play in this approach.

Liking

We all know it’s easier for people to go along with whatever you propose if they like you. I often tell salespeople, “You may not win the deal because someone likes you, but you’ll almost never win the deal if they don’t like you.”

Getting people to like you doesn’t take rocket science, but a little understanding of social science helps.

First, look for what you have in common with the other person. It’s natural for us to like people that we share similarities with. It’s best to find out a few beforehand and open your conversation by connecting on them.

Second, offer genuine praise. Everyone has some praiseworthy traits, so look for them and mention them. In Lincoln’s case, this came naturally because his rivals did possess skills he did not or did not possess to the same degree.

Third, and most importantly, Lincoln wasn’t trying to get his cabinet to like him. Instead, he focused on liking them. When people start to sense that you truly like and care for them, that’s where things begin to change thanks to reciprocity.

Reciprocity

This principle of influence ties into Lincoln linking the men he worked with because it’s natural to give back what you first receive.

If someone offers you a compliment, at a minimum you say, “Thanks.” However, sometimes you go further and offer a compliment in return. Doing so in a genuine spirit causes liking.

When you offer help, it’s likely people will help you in return when you need it. A funny thing occurs here; people begin to rationalize their help because we generally help people we like.

Conclusion

Do you have someone in your life that you’d have to honestly admit, “I don’t like that person”? If so, here’s your opportunity to change course. Make it a point to engage the principle of liking by doing whatever you can to get to know and like that person.

Don’t expect overnight results. Stay with it and allow liking to work its magic on them then trust, in time, the other person will slowly begin to respond in kind. And never forget, if someone is challenging for you to deal with, they’re probably a challenge for other people too. Break through and you might be pleasantly surprised at what you find on the other side.

Influence isn’t just about getting people to do what you want; it’s about building connections, fostering understanding, and making the world a better place through ethical persuasion. Lincoln’s approach to dealing with his rivals can be a valuable lesson for all of us in our daily interactions.

Remember, the next time you encounter someone you don’t like or who doesn’t like you, take a page from Lincoln’s book. Get to know them better, focus on liking them, and let the principles of liking and reciprocity work their magic. Who knows what positive transformations and opportunities might await when you approach people with empathy and a genuine desire to connect?

Let’s start a conversation below! Share your experiences or thoughts on using these principles of ethical influence in your life. Together, we can create a ripple effect of positive change in how we relate to others and transform our influence approaches.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. 

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 650,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!