Old White Men
Not long ago I had a conversation with someone I love dearly, someone who sees the world differently than I do. She sincerely wants the best for people, as I do. I’ll also add that she has a heart of gold. However, it’s often the case when you get people together, you’re likely to have differing opinions on how best to accomplish noble goals.
Conveying frustration about many things going on in society, she said, “I’m tired of a bunch of old white men running everything.” Her position was clear, old white men are the cause of most of society’s problems.
Calmly I reminded her, “You know when you say that you’re lumping me in that category because I’m getting old, I’m white, and I’m a man.” I went on to tell her, “I think you’d agree that I’ve never tried to hold anyone back. I’ve helped minorities in many ways, my best friend of 45 years is black, and I think people I’ve worked with would say I’m a good person. Therefore, I refuse to be identified with a category that’s continually singled out as the main problem in society.”
I Didn’t Mean You
She tried to assure me she wasn’t talking about me but that’s like making an off-color comment then telling a person who is part of the group being put down, “I’m not talking about you. You’re different.”
Do you think anyone who hears that “clarification” would say, “Thank you for clarifying that because I don’t consider myself part of [name the race, sex, religion, etc.].” Not likely.
I went on to share that even though I don’t consider myself part of the problem, and even though I know she loves me, her comment immediately put me on my heels and naturally made me resist her point of view. It’s hard to embrace someone and their ideas when you’re put you on the defensive.
I gave her some advice, “If you really want to persuade someone to your way of thinking, don’t attack. Instead say, ‘I wish there were more people who looked like me or other underrepresented groups in positions of authority.’” It’s not just what you say but how you say it that matters. Most people I know embrace the idea of giving more women, minorities, people of different sexual orientation, etc., equal access and opportunity.
A Problem Approach
When you arbitrarily label a group “old, white men” that’s a problem because you’re engaging in:
- Ageism (old) – If you can’t be young, being old is your next best alternative! Never forget, wisdom and experience often come with age and those are good things that should be tapped into.
- Racism (white) – No one can help what their skin color happens to be. If everyone has lived experiences then all should be welcome to the table.
- Sexism (male) – Again, this is something outside of anyone’s control. It shouldn’t matter if someone is male or female as long as they’re qualified for the position they hold.
Your Own Worst Enemy
Here’s the reality – many people who pronounce labels like this are doing the very thing they decry! It doesn’t matter their intent, it’s the same thing and the end doesn’t justify the means. When you do this you become your own worst enemy.
Beyond that conversation here are just a few recent examples from social media.
- A LinkedIn post started, “Dear fellow White men” and the author told white men to shut up if they didn’t agree with his take on things. Anyone who politely shared another point of view in the comments section was told to “shut up.”
- A Facebook post opened with, “Dear White Evangelical,” then began to pronounce a series of judgments. This is exactly what Christians are told not to do. If that same post had been directed at any other religion, there would have been outrage.
Parting Thoughts
I’m an advocate of reciprocity – put out what you want to receive from others. If you want respect, tolerance, kindness, or whatever else, then be the person who gives it first. Mahatma Gandhi put it well when he told people, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
Let me close with this; I will not engage in the labeling, name calling, misinformed accusations, or other forms of communication that hurt. That approach doesn’t do anything to bring us closer to deal with our issues. I may not see the world, its problems, and solutions like you do. That’s okay from my perspective and I hope you’re okay with it too. If we talk I will ask you lots of questions to learn from you. When it’s time to share my point of view, I will do so in a respectful manner.
I hope anyone reading this will join me.
Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT
Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.
Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable.
Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 500,000 people around the world!
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