Tag Archive for: giving

Giving Isn’t About You, It’s About Them

When talking with a consulting client recently I encouraged them to look for ways to engage the principle of reciprocity with clients through giving. I told them when it comes to giving always remember; it’s not about you, it’s about the person you’re giving to. Let me explain.

Quite a long time ago I used to regularly have lunch with a friend named Mars. Every month I’d call him on the first weekday of the month and we’d look at our calendars to find a time to get together for a meal. Lest you think I have a great memory I’ll tell you my secret for consistently reaching out to him – I had set a recurring task on my computer to remind me to call him. That made it quite easy for me.

One day my friend thanked me for always calling to set up lunch. I jokingly said, “It’s not because I’m such a nice guy. I’m just really good with my computer.”  He replied, “No, that fact that you take time to call means a lot.”

That was an “aha” moment for me. I realized it didn’t matter to my friend that it took very little effort on my part. All he cared about was that I took the time each month to reach out to him.

We all value things differently. For me a full tank of gas is no big deal but when I fill my daughter’s gas tank it’s a huge deal to her. It doesn’t matter to her that it costs me very little in terms of time or effort, she really appreciates it, and appreciates it more than if I just handed her the cash to fill up.

It’s the same in business. It may take me very little time or effort to pass along a friend’s resume but for them it could be huge if they land a job so they’re always very appreciative.

When you give, don’t focus on what it costs you (time, effort or money) and don’t focus on what the particular gift would mean to you. Everyone isn’t like you so think about the other person. Put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself what it means to them. That’s what really matters!

The golden rule encourages you to give unto others as you would have them give unto you. Giving engages reciprocity, which means if you need something down the road the recipient of your gift is more likely to give to you in return.

Giving is good but if you want to get the most bang for the buck consider engaging “the platinum rule” this week. This rule encourages you to treat others as they want to be treated and to give to others what they want. When you do this not only will you make his or her day brighter, the likelihood of help when you need it in the future will be even greater.

When You Give, the Recipient isn’t Always Who You Think

As we explore ways you can leverage the principles of influence for your own self-improvement, we’ll consider giving and the principle of reciprocity this week.

Reciprocity is the psychological term that tells us people feel obligated to give back to those who first give to them. The wise persuader looks to give “gifts” that are meaningful, customized and unexpected for the recipient. Giving in this way makes it easier to request a favor down the road.

But the person who gets the “gift” may not be the one who gets the most out of the transaction. In much the same way that employing the principle of liking impacts the persuader, so does reciprocity when it is done with right motives.

Ancient wisdom says, “Tis better to give than receive.” I know when I was a kid I thought, “No way!” because at Christmas, birthdays and other times it felt way better to get the gifts than give them.

However, as I got older I started to see the wisdom in those words. For my wife’s 52nd birthday I got her something I’d never heard of anyone giving before. I was excited to give it to her because of its uniqueness and I kept telling all of our friends about it because that heightened the surprise for Jane. My gift on that birthday was a promise that I would give her a gift a week for a year. In other words, 52 presents for her 52nd birthday.

I have to tell you it’s been a lot of fun for both of us! Certainly Jane enjoys the gift each week but what I think she appreciates most is the thoughtfulness. She doesn’t know anyone who has ever received that gift so she feels special. Each week when I give her a gift I video it then post it to Facebook because so many people are curious about what the 52 gifts will be. Everyone seems to enjoy it so it’s been nice to spread some cheer.

What I’ve enjoyed is a renewed focus on Jane because I’m constantly paying attention to what she says and does so I can find gifts that are meaningful. Our daughter, Abigail, gets in on the action too because I run many of my ideas by her.

Why is it better to give than receive? I’ve seen several reasons.

First, you experience joy when you give because being kind to others releases the hormone oxytocin into the blood stream. Oxytocin is the hormone that bonds mothers to babies and makes us feel closer to one another.

Second, while receiving is nice you never know when it will happen. However, giving is your choice and you can engage in it many times throughout the day. It could be buying coffee for the next person in line or letting someone over in heavy traffic. It really is the thought that counts and then taking action.

Third, quite often giving makes recipients more generous with other people they come in contact with. You can have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve set a positive chain of events in motion.

My fourth and final reason (but there are more) is that you’ll have confidence knowing if you need a favor you can turn to many of the people you’ve given to in the past and they’ll want to help you in return.

In the end, your act of giving generously, giving without strings attached, benefits you every bit as much as the recipient and sometimes more. Much like I wrote about the principle of liking last week, when you engage the principle of reciprocity not just to receive yourself, but out of a more noble reason, you become the real beneficiary.