Parenting and Grandparenting: Influence Lessons for Leaders and Mentors

I’ve been out of the corporate world for nearly seven years now. Over the course of three decades in the insurance industry, I wore many hats: boss, coach, and mentor.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the differences between those roles—especially the contrast between being a boss and a mentor. That reflection has been inspired by someone very special: our new grandson, Emmett.

Every time I look at a photo of him, I think, “I love that little guy!” It’s a powerful, overwhelming emotion. At times, I’ve caught myself wondering, “Do I love him more than I loved our daughter Abigail when she was born?” That’s a hard comparison to make—Abigail arrived nearly 30 years ago—but what I’ve realized is that the love is different, not greater.

As a parent, you’re driven by a primal responsibility. You love your children, of course, but that love comes with tremendous obligation: feeding, protecting, guiding, shaping. You’re constantly thinking about their future, and your role in it.

Grandparenting, on the other hand, is love unburdened. There’s no pressure to raise the child—just to enjoy, support, and love. You choose to be there. Every interaction is voluntary. It’s joyful, not stressful. It feels free!

And that got me thinking: this is very similar to how being a mentor differs from being a boss.

The Boss vs. Mentor Mindset

As a boss, you carry serious responsibility. You’re accountable for your team’s results. Your positional authority gives you power—assigning tasks, conducting reviews, approving raises. A good boss certainly coaches, but even that coaching comes with an undercurrent of pressure because “performance” is always the overarching goal.

Mentorship is different. There’s no positional power—just personal credibility. People don’t have to listen to a mentor; they choose to. And when someone seeks out your insight voluntarily, your influence can go deeper.

In terms of Cialdini’s principles of persuasion, bosses rely more on in-authority: title, structure, and consequence. Mentors succeed through an-authority—a term I use to describe those who are seen as credible guides because of who they are, not what title they hold. Mentors influence not by directive, but by invitation.

A Matrix to Clarify the Differences

Other principles that come into play are Liking, Reciprocity, Consistency, and Unity. Let’s simplify the contrast using a matrix:

Why This Matters

Whether you’re leading a team or guiding a mentee, the way you show up matters. If your role demands performance, you’ll need to lean heavily on authority, consistency, and scarcity. But if you’re in a position to guide without pressure, don’t underestimate the power of relational influence.

In fact, some of the most transformative leadership I’ve witnessed comes not from bosses demanding change—but from mentors inspiring it. It’s a shift from managing behavior to shaping belief. From compliance to commitment.

Practical Takeaways

Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I showing up like a parent or a grandparent?
• Am I managing outcomes or mentoring growth?
• Am I leveraging your title or trust?

Influence isn’t always about being in charge. Often, the greatest influence comes when people lean in—not because they have to, but because they want to.

Just like little Emmett doesn’t need me to raise him, but he gets to be loved by me—I think the people we lead, or mentor deserve that same freedom. Less pressure. More presence.

And ultimately, a deeper connection that inspires real change.

What do you think? Have you experienced the shift from boss to mentor—or parent to grandparent—in your own life or work? Share your experiences in the comments below.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!