Who We Mourn And Why

A few days ago, I posted something on Facebook that stirred a surprising amount of response:

“Feeling empty at the breaking news—Charlie Kirk has died.”

That one sentence sparked quite a conversation. My intent wasn’t political or provocative. I was simply expressing a raw emotion in real time, and it got me thinking: Why do we mourn deeply for some people and not for others?

A former coworker, someone I consider a friend, replied to my post:

“Why didn’t you post this after the death of the member of the Minnesota legislature, or the attempted assassination of Nancy Pelosi? I absolutely hate the gun violence that is becoming more and more common in our society. That gives me an empty feeling far more so than the death of any individual victim of gun violence…”

Now, if you’ve followed my work or read my books, you know I believe online debates rarely change minds. I didn’t argue. Instead, I responded:

“You know I’m not gonna debate with you online. If you’d like to have coffee sometime, I would be happy to get together to catch up and share views and learn from each other.”

He hasn’t taken me up on the offer. But many others messaged privately to say they appreciated how I handled it.

Why Some Losses Hit Harder

I’ve been reflecting: What causes us to care so deeply for some people, even when we’ve never met them—and feel comparatively little for others, even when their stories are tragic? Let’s explore that.

If you hear about someone dying in another country, you may feel a brief moment of sympathy. But if that person is from your hometown, you likely feel it more. If they share your profession, your beliefs, or your background—that grief deepens.

That’s not callousness. It’s human nature. Our brains are wired to prioritize people we perceive as “us” over “them.” As Dr. Robert Cialdini writes in Pre-suasion, the principle of unity plays a powerful role in shaping our empathy. We’re more likely to care, to act, and to mourn when we feel connected through shared identity.

There’s a haunting example in Cialdini’s book: A Nazi guard, under orders to execute every 10th person in a line, suddenly spares one. When asked why, he said he recognized his as being from his hometown. That one detail—a shared origin—was enough to create a sense of “we,” and it altered his behavior. That’s unity.

The Influence of Familiarity and Liking

When I heard of Charlie Kirk’s death, I felt something personal. I’d never met him, but I’d seen many of his videos and public appearances on television. Over time, that creates a sense of familiarity—a key aspect of the principle of liking. The more we see someone we have a positive view of, the more we tend to like and trust them. It’s why we often feel closer to people on our screens (athletes, entertainers, etc.) than strangers down the street.

But it wasn’t just familiarity. It was also shared values. While I didn’t agree with everything Kirk said—truthfully, I don’t even agree with everything my wife says, and there’s no one I love more—there were enough common beliefs to feel a sense of alignment.

So, when Charlie passed, it felt personal. Not because I knew him—but because I felt like I did.

That was the principle of liking at work on me.

Are We All Subject to These Triggers?

Absolutely. No matter where we fall on the political, religious, or cultural spectrum, these psychological triggers shape us all. If someone who resembles us, agrees with us, or reminds us of us is harmed or lost—we care more. And while that doesn’t feel fair, it is profoundly human.

That’s not an excuse—it’s a mirror. Recognizing this tendency can help us expand our circles of empathy and become more intentional with our compassion.

As I share in Influence PEOPLE, influence is about recognizing Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical. And before we can influence others, we need to understand what’s influencing us.

Let’s Talk, Not Troll

I still hope my friend takes me up on that coffee. We’ve shared good memories over the decades. We were once in a men’s group together. I respect him, and I’d enjoy reconnecting. But whether or not that happens, I’m at peace. I know I extended the invitation with sincerity and respect—two things we could all use a bit more of.

In a world filled with outrage and division, let’s choose to be influenced by personal interaction, not algorithms. Let’s be thoughtful about who we mourn—and why.

And let’s keep the door open for real conversations, the kind that don’t require comment sections to feel complete.

What About You?

• Have you ever been surprised by how much someone’s death affected you?
• Do you find yourself mourning some tragedies more than others?
• How do unity, liking, or familiarity shape your sense of empathy?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Let’s keep the conversation going.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!