The Power of Speaking Praise to Build Connection

I almost skipped a recent episode of the John Mark Comer Podcast because John Mark wasn’t speaking. That would have been a mistake! Alex Rettman, the guest speaker, was talking about praise. He began with the word behold—to truly take something in, to capture its beauty. When we behold something, appreciation naturally follows. And appreciation, when it’s genuine, longs for expression.

That’s where C. S. Lewis offers a profound insight: “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment.”

Lewis goes on to say that lovers don’t keep telling each other how beautiful they are merely as a compliment. Their delight is incomplete until it’s expressed.

That hit home with me. There’s a difference between internal delight and external expression. We can admire something silently. But when we speak it, something changes—not only in the listener, but within us as well.

What Does This Have to Do with Influence?

If you follow my work on Dr. Robert Cialdini’s principles, you know head knowledge isn’t enough. Application is what turns information into wisdom. Two principles immediately come to mind here: Liking and Reciprocity.

Liking isn’t just about noticing similarities or appreciating someone’s strengths. It’s about expressing them.

You may recognize that you and a colleague both value integrity. You may appreciate your spouse’s patience. You may admire a friend’s discipline. But until you say it, the relational benefit is limited.

When you verbalize similarities, “I really appreciate how seriously you take your commitments,” you create connection. When you offer sincere praise, “You handled that situation with a lot of grace”, you strengthen social bonds.

And something else happens. You begin to believe your own words more deeply. We often convince ourselves about things based on what we hear ourselves say. Speaking praise doesn’t just bless the other person; it reshapes our internal posture toward them.

That’s influence, starting from the inside out.

Reciprocity at Work

Reciprocity naturally follows. When someone receives genuine praise, they often respond in kind. Not because they’re forced to, but because generosity invites generosity.

A thoughtful compliment can open the door to a richer conversation. Shared similarities can lead to mutual curiosity and connection expands.

But here’s the challenge. For many of us, it’s hard to have difficult conversations. We fear how someone might respond. Ironically, it can also be hard to share the good things. To say:

• “I’m proud of you.”
• “I admire you.”
• “I’m grateful for you.”
• “We’re more alike than you think.”

There’s vulnerability in that. Praise can be misinterpreted. Similarities can feel awkward to point out. We risk not being received the way we hope.

I know that struggle personally. At times in my marriage, I’ve hesitated to voice positive thoughts and deep appreciation. I assumed Jane knew but more often than not, I worried about saying it wrong. So, I simply kept it inside.

The result? Unnecessary distance. Bottled-up emotion. Missed opportunities for connection.

C.S. Lewis was right. Delight is incomplete until expressed. In me it led to frustration with myself.

Influence is Incomplete Until Applied

Here’s a simple practice. If you want to grow your influence this week, try this:

1. Identify one genuine similarity you share with someone.
2. Identify one specific strength you admire in them.
3. Say it out loud to them.

Be specific. Be sincere. Make it about them, not about what you hope to get in return. That’s ethical influence. Not manipulation. Not strategy disguised as flattery. Just truth expressed with sincerity. You’ll likely notice:

• Stronger connections.
• Warmer interactions.
• A natural reciprocation.
• And perhaps even a shift in your own heart.

Influence doesn’t always begin with big moves. Sometimes it begins with simple words that were already in your heart. The question is: will you speak it them?

I’m curious, when was the last time you expressed a similarity or offered genuine praise that strengthened a relationship? What happened?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!