The Influence of a Father

Father’s Day was Sunday, a time when many families celebrated the men who helped raise them.

For some people, however, Father’s Day is complicated.

Over the years, I’ve learned that even referring to God as “Father” can be difficult for some people because their experience with their earthly father was painful. Some never knew their dad. Others experienced neglect, abandonment, abuse, or simply emotional distance.

That’s a sad reality. But it also highlights something important: fathers matter… and they matter far more than society tells us. 

Research consistently shows that children often struggle when fathers are absent. Boys are more likely to engage in antisocial behavior, while girls often face greater self-esteem and mental health challenges. 

Whether a father is present or absent, engaged or detached, encouraging or critical, he leaves an imprint. The influence may be positive or negative, but influence is unavoidable.

As someone who has spent decades teaching the science of influence, I find that reality fascinating. Most people think of influence in terms of sales, leadership, negotiations, or business. But influence begins long before we enter the workplace. It begins at home.

Parents are among the first influencers in a child’s life, and fathers play a unique role in shaping how children see themselves, others, and the world around them. That’s one reason Jane and I tried to be intentional as parents.

I’ve been writing this blog for more than 17 years. When I started, my daughter Abigail was just 13 years old. Many of those early articles focused on parenting because Jane and I were intentional about how we raised her. If you would like to see some of those articles, click here.

Like many parents, we looked at our own upbringing and asked ourselves two questions:

• What should we repeat?
• What should we improve?

We wanted to build on the good things we learned from our parents while minimizing some of the mistakes. I believe that’s one of the ways we make the world better—one child, one family, one generation at a time.

Today, Abigail is 30 years old. Looking back, I can honestly say she’s a better person at 30 than I was at 30. I suspect Jane would say the same about herself. That doesn’t happen by accident.

Children are constantly learning from what they see, hear, and experience. They watch how we handle adversity. They listen to how we speak to others. They observe whether our actions match our words.

In many ways, Robert Cialdini’s principle of consistency is at work in parenting every day. Children notice when parents live according to the values they teach. They also notice when words and actions don’t align. Long before children understand influence, they’re learning one of its most important lessons: credibility comes from consistency.

Now I have the privilege of experiencing parenting from a different perspective—as a grandfather. Our grandson Emmett is 15 months old. Because Abigail and Tyler live only about 10 minutes away, we get to spend several days a week with him, often for many hours at a time.

Watching him grow reminds me just how much influence adults have in the lives of children. Every smile, every word of encouragement, every moment of attention matters.

So does every missed opportunity. That’s why, if I could share one message with fathers, it would be this: Never underestimate your influence.

Your children are paying attention, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your presence matters. Your words matter. Your example matters. And perhaps most importantly, your love matters.

You don’t have to be a perfect father. None of us are. But you can be intentional because whether you realize it or not, you’re shaping memories, beliefs, and habits that may last a lifetime.

The question isn’t whether you’ll influence your children. You already are. The question is: What kind of influence will you have?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!