Influence from the Inside Out

Last week I wrote about why I believe a Loving and Eternal approach to influence is a higher calling than merely Lasting and Ethical.

A LinkedIn connection, Reyes Castillo, asked a great follow-up question: “I’m curious how that shows up in your actual coaching. What’s the first thing someone usually has to stop doing once they start asking what’s best for the other person instead of what’s allowed?”

I pondered Reyes’ question on one of my morning walks. What kept coming to me was this: I don’t think it starts with something we need to stop doing. I think it starts with something we need to do, so we can become.

Influence From the Inside Out

I believe genuine transformation happens from the inside out. It’s not primarily about what we do; it’s about who we are becoming.

Jesus illustrated this when He challenged the Pharisees to clean the inside of the cup so the outside would be clean too. He made the same point another way when He said a good tree produces good fruit.

In both cases, the message is similar: what comes out of us is largely determined by what is happening within us.

That’s why my answer to Reyes comes down to a change in attitude before a change in behavior. And one of Cialdini’s principles of influence illustrates this beautifully.

Do You Want People to Like You?

The principle of Liking tells us we’re more likely to say yes to people we know and like.

When people learn that, their natural reaction is often, “How can I get people to like me?” That’s understandable but I think it’s backwards.

Instead of trying to get people to like you, start looking for reasons to genuinely like them.

Here’s what’s interesting. Two things that cause you to like me: discovering what we have in common and receiving genuine compliments. But here’s something interesting: both cause me to like you!

If I ask questions looking for similarities, I’ll probably discover things we have in common. If I’m paying attention to what’s admirable about you, I’ll find opportunities to offer genuine compliments.

The behaviors might look exactly the same whether my goal is getting you to like me or discovering reasons to like you.

But something important has changed. Me. My attention has shifted from myself to you, and people can often sense the difference.

When you sense that I genuinely like you, you’re more likely to trust that I have your best interests at heart. After all, we tend to believe friends will do right by friends. That’s influence from the inside out.

Ethical Is Good. Loving Goes Further.

This brings me back to Lasting and Ethical versus Loving and Eternal.

Ethical influence asks important questions: Is what I’m doing honest? Is it appropriate? Am I respecting the other person’s freedom to choose?

Those questions matter. I’ve taught them for decades, and I always will. But love asks another question: Do I genuinely want what’s best for this person?

That’s a higher bar. And here’s where it gets challenging.

Two people can say exactly the same words, ask exactly the same questions, and use exactly the same principles of influence.

One may be thinking, How can I get this person to say yes?

The other may be thinking, How can I help this person make the best decision?

Outwardly, they may look identical but inwardly, they’re miles apart.

That’s why moving from ethical influence to loving influence isn’t primarily about learning another technique. It’s about becoming a different kind of person. And when we become different on the inside, different behavior eventually follows.

Perhaps the first question isn’t, “What should I stop doing?” Maybe it’s, “Who am I becoming and what do I genuinely want for the person I’m trying to influence?”

For those I’ve worked with over the years, I’d especially like to hear your thoughts. Does this change how you think about using the principles of influence?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!