Assume Positive Intent: The Influence of Giving Grace

Earlier this year, I delivered a full-day training event for a client. The session went well—until the debrief. The CEO passed along a bit of feedback: a couple of attendees were put off by a response I gave during the Q&A.

The Scenario?

During the training, a participant asked how I’d respond if a young woman on my team brought a sensitive issue to my attention. I replied, “If you were my daughter, here’s what I’d tell you.”

To me, this was heartfelt and meant to convey deep care. But a few younger employees heard something different—something condescending or paternalistic. Their reaction caught me off guard. After all, my response came from a place of love, respect, and the principle of unity, one of Dr. Cialdini’s most powerful principles of influence.

What is Unity ?

Unity is about shared identity—seeing others as part of “us” rather than “them.” When we feel connected, we’re more likely to act in each other’s best interests because, in a very real sense, their success and happiness becomes part of our success and happiness.

When it comes to unity, Cialdini often points to Warren Buffett’s line to shareholders in a recent annual report: “I’m going to tell you what I would tell my family.” The implication? His advice wasn’t corporate speak—it was personal, sincere, and deeply considered.

That’s how I meant my comment. I have a close, meaningful relationship with my daughter. If I’m offering someone the same advice I’d give her, it means I care—deeply.

Senders and Receivers

But here’s where communication gets tricky.

There’s what I intended to say and there’s what I actually said. But wait, there’s more…
There’s what the other person thinks they heard and what they actually heard (the exact words).

Those things often don’t align. And that gap? That’s where misunderstanding lives.

We all filter messages through our own experiences. For someone who had a strained relationship with a parent, my comment might land differently than it did for someone who had a better upbringing. I can’t know everyone’s personal history. But I do know this: when we assume negative intent, we shut the door to connection.

Positive Intent

When we assume positive intent, we open the door to understanding.

Giving the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean we ignore how a message makes us feel or silence honest feedback. It means we seek clarification before forming judgment. It means we ask, “What did you mean by that?” rather than assuming the worst.

Would it have helped if someone had approached me during a break to ask why I framed my answer that way? I think so. I would’ve shared the story of a trusted mentor who once looked me in the eye and said, “If you were my son…” It was an important point in my career because I knew his advice came from a place of love.

What Did I Learn?

Still, I’ve learned something from this experience. I’ll adjust my approach—not my message—by framing it in the future. That’s pre-suasion in action: setting the stage before the message is delivered.

Next time, I’ll remind the audience about the principle of unity. Then I’ll reference Buffett’s words. I’ll also share the story of my mentor and my affection for my daughter. By doing so, I’ll help listeners better understand the intent behind my words.

What if someone still disagrees? That’s okay. Not every message will land with everyone—but trying to please everyone is a surefire way to water down what matters.

Advice for Audience Members and Communicators

If you’re ever in the audience and something doesn’t sit right, don’t just disengage—engage by asking questions. Start a conversation. Try to understand intent from the other person’s point of view. You might walk away with a new perspective—or help someone else gain one.

And if you’re the one speaking? Remember: context—especially when it comes from a place of shared humanity—can make all the difference.

Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. It might be the most influential thing we do.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!