Knowing Yourself is Extremely Hard

Ben Franklin once wrote, “Three things are extremely hard; steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” He was right and I think knowing one’s self is the hardest of the three.

Understanding who we are—and why we do what we do—takes time, effort, and courage. All three are in short supply in an age of constant distractions, bombardment of content, and the social media time suck.

Recently, I’ve been doing something most people avoid. With a little extra time over the holidays, I began reading my old journals from 1993–2001. Then, with the help of AI, I synthesized themes from those years and compared them to journals I restarted in 2022.

What I found surprised me.

The Man I Was

In the 1990s, I was intense and driven. I was wrestling with God, with myself, with my marriage, and with unmet expectations.

Not being too patient, I wanted transformation, and I wanted it fast. That’s not atypical for a man in his late 20s and early 30s.

I processed everything externally. I wrote constantly. I analyzed motives—mine and others’. I lived with a sense of urgency that bordered on demanding. If something wasn’t right, I felt responsible to fix it ASAP.

Growth was happening, real transformative growth, but there were also negative patterns:

• A need to control outcomes.
• A tendency to interpret silence as rejection.
• Frustration when others didn’t process as quickly as I did.
• A belief that if I just understood something deeply enough, I could solve it.

I thought self-awareness meant intensity. I’ve come to learn it meant humility.

The Man I’m Becoming

When I began journaling again in 2022, I wasn’t the same man. I had several more decades of marriage under my belt, had become a father, and started my own business, to name just some of the changes. Here are a few things I noticed:

• There’s more steadiness now. My emotions are less volatile.
• More patience. I can wait on outcomes rather than trying to control them.
• A willingness to sit with uncertainty. I don’t have to rush to resolution.

I still care deeply. I still want connection, growth, and impact. But I no longer assume that every uncomfortable emotion or situation requires my immediate action.

I’ve learned that some wounds don’t need analysis, they need time. Some conversations don’t need pressure, they need safety. Some change doesn’t come from force, it comes from surrender.

In my earlier years, I often asked, “How do I fix this?” Now I more often ask, “What is this revealing to me?” That shift changes everything.

Much like Jacob wrestling with the angel of the Lord, I still hang on tightly to what I believe is good and right because I want the blessings that come with those things.

Where Change Begins

Here’s what struck me most reviewing 30 years of my own thoughts:

• Old patterns don’t disappear just because time passes. They mature. They refine themselves. They hide behind experience…unless you name them.
• Self-knowledge without change is just autobiography. Self-knowledge with humility is where transformation takes place.

As I revisited my journals, I saw how certain thinking patterns from the 1990s were still influencing my reactions in 2026. Not in dramatic ways, but in subtle assumptions and expectations that were hindering joy in many cases.

What This Has to Do With Influence

People often ask me about persuasion and leadership. They want tactics, language patterns, frameworks, and science. All of that matters. However, I’ve come to believe more deeply than ever that you cannot create lasting influence with others if you are not willing to be influenced yourself. Consider the following parallels:

• It’s hard to lead if you’re not willing to be led.
• It’s hard to coach if you aren’t coachable.
• It’s hard to build trust if you’re not authentic.

Influence isn’t just what you say. Much of it is the emotional climate you create. That climate is shaped by your unresolved fears, your old narratives, your need for approval, your pace, your patience or lack of it. I’ve come to understand, if I…

• Rush people, it’s usually because I’m uncomfortable.
• Push for clarity, it’s often because I want relief.
• Withdraw, it’s sometimes self-protection.

Knowing all of that changes how I show up today. The more I understand my past and my “wiring,” the more authentic my influence becomes.

The Courage to Look Back

Most of us are content to “reinvent” ourselves every few years. Just look at entertainers. However, very few of us are willing to examine who we’ve consistently been in order to become the best version of ourselves.

Reading 30-year-old journal entries was humbling. Some entries made me grateful, but others made me cringe! But growth requires knowing the truth—good and bad—about ourselves.

If steel, diamonds, and self-knowledge are all hard, maybe that’s because each is forged under pressure. Steel and diamonds don’t have a choice as to how they’ll respond to pressure, but humans do. We can embrace the pain of change, numb it, or run from it.

Embracing is the best option because it changes us so we can have influence that lasts—the kind that sustains marriages, teams, families, organizations. It’s not all about polished messaging.

It comes from a man or woman who knows their weaknesses, owns their patterns, and is still willing to grow. That’s the kind of influence I want. And it starts here: With the courage to know one’s self. Thank you, Ben!

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!