To Reciprocate, or Not to Reciprocate, That is the Question

To reciprocate, or not to reciprocate, that is the question:

Whether it’s right to absorb

Words or actions that are untrue or unjust,

Or to retaliate, returning insult or slight for insult or slight

Dr. Robert Cialdini’s principle of reciprocity is one of the most powerful drivers of human behavior. It’s built into each of us and has helped us survive and thrive as a species.

When someone gives, we feel compelled to give back. Done well, it creates what I call a virtuous cycle—a positive exchange that builds trust, strengthens relationships, and multiplies goodwill.

But reciprocity isn’t always virtuous, and sometimes the best choice is not to reciprocate at all.

The Virtuous Cycle of Reciprocity

When reciprocity is guided by the principles of unity or liking, supported by the desire to do good, it can transform relationships. Think about when you go out of your way to help a friend or coworker—not because you expect something back, but because you value them and the relationship. More often than not, your kindness comes back to you in ways you didn’t anticipate. That’s reciprocity at its best. It builds bridges, not walls.

The Vicious Cycle of Retaliation

But, like most things in life, good can become bad, and so it is with reciprocity. It has a dark side. If someone slights us, we feel the natural urge to retaliate. When we do, they respond in kind. The back and forth continues until both sides are entrenched in hostility.

This is the vicious cycle. You see it everywhere:

Political parties locked in endless conflict
Families divided by old wounds
Countries, neighbors, or coworkers who can’t let go of a grievance

What began as an offense spirals into bitterness and broken relationships.

Why Not to Reciprocate

Here’s where wisdom comes into play. Not every action deserves a response in kind. When wronged, sometimes choosing not to reciprocate can be the most powerful move you can make.

Imagine yourself carrying two pales: one full of gasoline, the other full of water. When conflict arises, which will you throw on the fire?

In my upcoming book, Influenced from Above, I write about how love calls us to something higher than score-keeping. Love and unity invite us to break the chain reaction of hostility. They ask us to absorb the wrong, to forgive, and oftentimes to respond with kindness even though it’s not deserved.

This approach doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. It means refusing to be controlled by another person or your emotions, refusing to let someone else’s negativity dictate your response.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do you do it? Here are three ideas.

Pause before reacting. Viktor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, reminded readers in Man’s Search for Meaning, there is freedom between stimulus and response—choice. Ask yourself, “Will my response escalate or de-escalate?”
Choose vulnerability. Sometimes forgiveness—without defensiveness—softens even the hardest heart. Jesus was reviled but did not revile in return and in so doing, showed us what true love looks like.
Lead with love. Look for what unites you with another, not what divides. In many instances, people want the same thing, they just have different ideas about how to make that happen.

When you choose to stop the cycle, you give others permission to do the same. And even if they don’t, you protect your own peace and integrity. Proverbs 15:1 encourages this, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Your Impact, Your Choice

Reciprocity is built into us. But the direction it takes—virtuous or vicious—is a choice that each of us is capable of making. Every interaction is an opportunity to decide whether you’ll escalate conflict or deescalate with kindness.

When we choose love over retaliation, we reflect something bigger than ourselves. We model the kind of unity our families, communities, and country desperately need.

Let’s Talk

What about you?

Have you ever chosen not to reciprocate and seen the situation change for the better?
On the flipside, have you watched retaliation spiral until it destroyed a relationship?

I encourage you to share your experience because it might be just what someone else needs to hear today.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!