Unlike Ethics, Love Has No Boundaries

When our daughter was young, she used to play with a little boy named Billy who lived up the street. Billy was all boy: shirtless, barefoot, and racing through the neighborhood like a wild man. We lovingly called him Wild Bill.

When Billy came to our house, my wife Jane had clear rules: behave respectfully, clean up when you’re done, and treat others kindly. Billy followed those rules, and he had fun doing it. His mom told us that after every visit to our house, he bounced off the walls when he got home. With few boundaries at his house, Billy did what many kids do: he ran amuck.

Billy teaches us a simple truth about human nature. We need boundaries to thrive, but we also have an impulse to test them. Just look at how people drive. If the speed limit is 55, most drivers quietly choose 59–64, assuming that’s safe enough to avoid a ticket.

Ethical rules work the same way. We want to know the line, but then we want to brush up against it, possibly crossing the line just a little bit. That’s why, when I created the PEOPLE acronym years ago, the “L” and “E” stood for Lasting and Ethical—a reminder to stay within the boundaries that keep influence fair and principled.

But after writing Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet, something changed for me.

I now talk about Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Loving and Eternal.

Why shift from ethics to love?

Because focusing on love often leads to better ethical behavior than focusing on ethics itself.

When we’re focused on loving God and loving our neighbor, we naturally orient ourselves toward doing what’s best for the other person—not toward how close we can get to the boundary without technically crossing it.

This shift in perspective has profound implications for how we influence others.

Love transforms influence

If someone knows you genuinely care about them, they become more open to your ideas. Almost everyone believes in this maxim: Friends do right by friends.

When your posture is love—seeking what’s best for someone—they sense it. They listen more. They trust more. They’re more willing to engage, and to do so at a deeper level.

No, I may not be able to talk about love in every corporate setting. But when I teach and practice Cialdini’s principle of Liking, I get remarkably close.

Liking grows through:

• Genuine curiosity
• Shared interests
• Positive assumptions
• Quality time

The more I get to know you—and the more I truly care about you—the more I naturally want what’s best for you. When people sense that, influence flows with more authenticity.

But what if you don’t like someone?

C.S. Lewis wrestled with this in Mere Christianity. He admitted he didn’t particularly like certain people, and wondered how he could ever love them. Then he recognized something: he didn’t always like himself, yet he always managed to love himself—seeking his own good even when he was disappointed in his own behavior.

His insight reveals something important: Liking and loving are related, but they’re not the same. You don’t have to like someone to love them.

As a Christian, I’m called to love my enemies. That command makes more sense when I realize that love is a choice to seek the best for someone, not a feeling of affection.

Unity takes us even closer to love

Another principle from Cialdini—Unity—also bridges the gap between influence and love. Unity is about shared identity. It’s why family members often sacrifice for one another, even when they don’t like each other very much.

In Pre-suasion, Dr. Cialdini notes, “People experience unusually high stimulation in the self-reward centers of their brains after aiding a family member. It’s as if by doing so, they are aiding themselves.”

We can’t choose our family but when we tap into unity through shared goals, values, backgrounds, or purpose, we can bond like teammates. That’s significant because when people feel like they’re on the same team, resistance is reduced significantly.

Love dissolves the need to test ethical limits

Ethics matter. They frame behavior. But they can also tempt us to push boundaries.
Love, on the other hand, lifts our eyes from the edges and orients us toward the good of the other.

Even after 20 years of teaching Cialdini’s principles, this shift from ethics to love has been one of my biggest “aha” moments.

Wouldn’t you prefer people treat you with love rather than simply adhering to a set of rules?

Reciprocity—the principle that encourages us to give first—makes love remarkably practical. When we take the first step in love, however imperfectly, it often opens the door for others to respond in kind.

A final thought

If we consistently engaged Liking and Unity, we would naturally move closer to love—at home, at work, and in every relationship.

Love has no boundaries because love makes boundaries unnecessary.

And that makes us more effective as influencers and humans.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. The Influencer, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence in everyday situations.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 800,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!