Influencers from Around the World – Three Keys to Consider when Negotiating with the Chinese

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Marco Germani has been guest writing for
Influence PEOPLE for four years. He’s written his own book on persuasion and
applies the principles of influence daily as he travels the world selling wine.
I encourage you to reach out to Marco on Facebook
and LinkedIn.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
 
Three
Keys to Consider when Negotiating with the Chinese
A few years ago I attended an influence workshop
put on by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., where the last part of the seminar was
dedicated to applying the principles of persuasion to different cultures around
the world. My understanding was the principles were immutable and universally
accepted all over the planet but in fact Dr. Cialdini explained that in
different cultures some principles are much more effective than others.

 

As an export manager in the wine business,
spending over 70% of my time traveling around the world and making deals, I
started to pay attention to this aspect and I realized that Dr. Cialdini was
absolutely right! What works in Italy is sometimes less effective in Germany or
in South Korea, and the best way to carry out negotiations in the United States
could be totally ineffective in Japan.
 In this week’s post I would like to focus on
China, a country which I’ve had the chance to visit many times over the past
seven years and which can be considered one of a kind in many aspects,
including the way Chinese negotiate and persuade. This subject could be very
vast but I would like to point out three main differences in the Chinese way of
negotiating because this understanding can make a big difference if you ever
find yourself doing business in China.
1. The
concept of “face” (Mian Zi)
“Losing face” is considered one of the worst
things that can happen to a Chinese person. Being diminished or worse, ridiculed,
in front of others, is the ultimate humiliation in China and this must always
be taken into account when negotiating. If yielding to your conditions could
even remotely generate the feeling that your counterpart was wrong, proposed
something inconsistent, or that makes him clearly “lose the game” when
negotiating, the deal simply will not happen. This extension of the principle
of social proof is a very sensitive subject in Asia and Chinese people in
particular seem to care about it even more.
A Chinese boss would never criticize or
admonish a subordinate in front of others, as this would cause him to lose
face. When bargaining in a street market a Chinese vendor would prefer to lose
the sale rather than accept your first price.
Taking this into account means always giving a
way out to your counterpart in order to help him “save face.” It is surprising
how many Westerns ignore this point and have trouble negotiating with the Chinese.
If the negotiation is seen as a battle, in which a party wins and the other
loses, in China the two parties are almost always bound to lose simultaneously.
The “win-win” concept introduced by the late Stephen Covey in his best seller The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is
more relevant in China than elsewhere. It can be the deal maker or deal breaker,
whether in a business or personal negotiation with a Chinese individual.
2. The
concept of relationship (Guan-xi)
Business IS all about relationships and
everybody knows it. In the newest edition of The Pyramid of Sale by Brian Tracy and other renowned sales
trainers contend that the pyramid base is building relationships and trust with
the customers, whereas in the past it was the presentation of the product.
In China this concept goes even further. The
nearly untranslatable word  “guan-xi”
literally means “network of relationships” but it has a deeper meaning,
including how well you are perceived by influential people in your network and
how you are able to help your business counterparts network with the influential
people you know.
When starting to negotiate with a Chinese
person, the fact that you have common friends, or the fact that you have relationships
with relevant people who might turn out to be useful to your counterpart, can
give you a huge advantage. I consider this an extension of the principle of liking
even though it has a deeper and subtler meaning.
The skilled negotiator, when entering into a
discussion with a Chinese person, will take care to inform the other of the influential
people he knows or has business relationships with, letting the other
understand that, if the deal between the two of them is made, this influential
network will be put at his disposal as a natural consequence of starting a
partnership.  The problem with this
attitude, which is widely used by Chinese people when negotiating with
Westerns, is this; the information shared is seldom accurate and often purely
instrumental to get a vantage point in the discussion.
Let’s pretend I am trying to sell wine to a
dealer in China. He might state that, if I accept his conditions and start a
partnership with him, that he would introduce me to his best friend, the buyer
of the largest Chinese retail chain, whom, thanks to his introduction, will
seriously consider doing business with me as well. This is obviously just a negotiation
technique, which appeals to the greediness of Western business people and in
part to their ingenuity.
3. The
concept of circular thinking
The last crucial information to know about
when negotiating with the Chinese is the difference between the Western
“linear” thinking and Eastern “circular” thinking.  A few years ago I was involved in a long
negotiation with a Chinese buyer of frozen pizza, produced by an Italian
factory and to be distributed in several regions of China. This was going to generate
a considerable amount of business for the seller. The negotiation went on for
weeks and it seemed like we never reach an agreement. Every time there was a
new issue popping out: exclusivity, special recipe for the Chinese market,
color of the label on the package, selling price, payment terms, etc. In the
end, and after several meetings with the owner of the company in China, a
contract was finally written and it seemed to suit both partners. We celebrated
together in one of those infamous Chinese banquets for more than five hours
with alcohol flowing freely.
A couple of days later, when the Italian CEO
had already left China, I was incredulous when the Chinese buyer called me and
he said he would like to meet me to again discuss several points of the
contract. It seemed like all of the past efforts were useless and we were back
to point zero. This was because I did not understand at the time the concept of
“circular thinking.” For Western businessman reviewing an already signed contract
means there’s something wrong with it which needs to be changed but for a Chinese
businessman this might only mean they really would like to review the points
and have them restated, not necessarily that they don’t agree with them or they
want to change them. It is part of their culture and the process makes them
feel safer and reassured. This must always be taken into account when
negotiating with the Chinese. Reviewing over and over already established points
is not a bad sign or a waste of time, it is just part of the natural process of
negotiation in China!
As said, the subject is much wider than this
and I have treated it extensively in my eBook Business con la Cina (Bruno Editore – 2010, only available in
Italian at the moment but maybe one day I’ll have it translated into English).
For those who speak Italian, you can find it here www.autostima.net.

Marco










 

Cialdini “Influence”
Series! Would you like to learn more about
influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini
Method Certified Trainers from around the world.

The Cialdini “Influence” Series is Coming Soon!

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Are you interested in learning more about the
science of influence directly from the experts? You’re in luck! Beginning
February 13, a seven-part online series begins where you’ll hear from individuals
who’ve been personally trained by Robert
Cialdini, Ph.D.
Dr. Cialdini is recognized as the world’s
leading expert on influence and persuasion. His book Influence Science and Practice is on its fifth edition, has sold
more the two million copies, and has been translated into 26 languages. If that
isn’t enough, Influence was also
named “the top sales and marketing” book in The
100 Best Business Books of All Time.
There are only 20 Cialdini Method Certified
Trainers® in the world today and you’ll get to hear from seven of them for 30 minutes each in this online series. Here’s your schedule of trainers and topics:
February
13 –
Anthony McLean, a guest blogger for Influence PEOPLE, will cover The Foundation
– What Is The “Influence Difference” And How To Prepare For Persuasion.
March 6 – Dan Norris, the
trainer who led me through my first workshop, will discuss The Principle Of
Reciprocity – How We Can Use This Most Effectively.
March 27 – Brian Ahearn. I
will introduce you to The Principle Of Scarcity – The Hidden Aspects That Can
Help…Or Hurt Our Messages.
April 17 – Hoh Kim, also a
guest blogger for Influence PEOPLE, will talk about The Principle Of Authority
– How To Use It When You Might Not Think You Can.
May 8 – Steve Martin,
co-author of Yes 50 Scientifically Proven
Ways to be Persuasive, will share thoughts on The Principle Of Consistency
– It’s Right In Front Of You…If You Know How To Use It.
May 29 – Debbie Hixson will
talk about The Principle Of Liking – Helping A Decision-Maker To Like You…It’s
Just Half Of The Equation.
June 29 – Matt Barney
concludes the series with The Principle of Consensus – People Proof…Using The
Power of Many.

There’s no better place to learn about the
psychology of persuasion than from the influence experts. I know many of the
trainers and can say with certainty; you’ll learn a lot about the influence
process and leave with ideas you can implement immediately. Interested? Sign up today!
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® 
Chief Influence Officer

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

The Importance of Congruent Messages When Persuading

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I had in interesting Facebook exchange not
long ago. Someone posted a picture of an attractive young woman wearing a
t-shirt that had the following message on the front, “To be old and wise you
must first be young and stupid.”
To be honest I didn’t pay attention to the rest
of the post, which read, “Reinvent yourself with enhanced awareness, renew
yourself with enhanced tolerance and regenerate yourself with enhanced wisdom.”
Focused on the picture and the saying
imprinted on it I light-heartedly commented, “But if you’re too stupid when
you’re young you may not live long enough to become old and wise.  : ) ”
My Facebook friend replied, “@Brian: You mean
ONLY stupid people die young?? Just to refocus your observation on the quote
which is my thought – it is not on the t-shirt.”
I replied one last time to let him know I
didn’t think only stupid people die young. Of course, the more stupid things
you do, the more risk you run of harming yourself, but even people who make
good decisions experience bad things.
This week’s post isn’t about Facebook or the
stupid things young people sometimes do. What stood out to me after the
exchange was the following communication problem that’s all too common – the message
was incongruent.
You see, the picture of the attractive lady
stood out and in my mind the message on her t-shirt had nothing to do with my
friend’s quote, which was what he really wanted to convey to readers. Again, his quote
was, “Reinvent yourself with enhanced awareness, renew yourself with enhanced
tolerance and regenerate yourself with enhanced wisdom.” If there was a
connection, then how many others missed it too?
When you’re trying to communicate with
someone, perhaps even trying to persuade him or her, you’d better be sure every
part of your message is congruent.
For example, if I conduct a sales training
session for business professionals I’d be foolish to not dress in a suit and
tie or sports coat at a minimum. If I went to a training session dressed as I
do on the weekends my appearance will detract from my message. People have
expectations about how a sales trainer will dress just like you probably have
ideas about how a minister should look at a wedding or a lawyer in a courtroom.
When there’s a mismatch people can lose focus and the last thing you want is
someone focused on how you look rather than your message.
We also have expectations for the environments
we find ourselves in. We don’t act the same in church as we do at work, a bar,
or in a college classroom. We conduct ourselves differently in each place and
acting like you’re talking in church to a room full of college students will
lose them faster than they can update Twitter.
When you want to communicate a message make
sure everything has a purpose and that every part of the message builds to your
main point. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say after a
training session, “It was pretty good but he kept going off on these tangents
that had nothing to do with the workshop.” If you have stories to share, make
sure they add to the message and don’t detract from it.
Practice helps and perfect practice makes
perfect. Do you ever ask someone for feedback on a presentation before you give
it? Running through your presentation with another, as you would if your audience were right
there, will help you in multiple ways. One big way is to make sure the person
sees how everything ties together. If you have to stop and make the connections
for them then you might want to rethink your approach.
The same can be said of writing. Have someone
proof read your articles and blog posts. Have them challenge you and if
something doesn’t make sense, ask yourself if there’s a better way to convey
the message. Again, if you have to take extra time to explain what you mean
then that should be a signal that other readers might not get your point
either.
Communicating a message is like traveling to a
destination. Usually the shortest, most direct route is best. If you want to
get there in a hurry then limit your excursions and make sure everything is
working together like a well-oiled machine. The extra time and effort will be
worth it when people go, “Ah, I get it.”
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 



Free webinar! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.

The Money – Happiness Link

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It’s said that making more money won’t make you happier. We find it hard to believe that winning the lottery wouldn’t make us happier because we could fulfill all of our dreams – the big house, luxury car, exotic vacations, cool “toys,” etc. But then we hear the stories of lottery winners going bankrupt and wishing they’d never won the grand prize. According to a Forbes article, lottery winners experience a spike in happiness but eventually they return to pre-winning happiness levels. Lottery winners aside, we can probably all think of people who make loads of money, and their lives are train wrecks.

Indeed, most studies show that making more money doesn’t necessarily equate to more happiness…at least after a certain point. A 2010 study out of Princeton University showed that people were happier making more money up to about $75,000. After that, people don’t get much happier making more money.

Perhaps how much money we make isn’t the problem. What if the real issue is how we spend our money? Over Christmas break I read Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending by Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton. Based on scientific research the authors show five things we can do to derive more satisfaction from our spending. I’ll share their five basic points and a few thoughts on each. If what you read intrigues you then I encourage you to pick up a copy of the book for yourself.

Buy Experiences

Whatever things we buy, we quickly get used to them. For example, studies show people driving a BMW are no happier with their car than those who drive a more economical car. However, positive experiences do make us happier. Think about your home or car then think about some of the great vacations you’ve taken or major events you’ve been a part of. Odds are you’ll have much fonder memories of the experiential events.

Make it a Treat

As noted above, we get used to things. It’s human nature. People can learn to endure horrific things to the point where they are not shocked by the experience. On the flip side we can easily get used to the nice home or car so neither elicits much feeling one way or another. Or how about this – if you visit Starbucks every day for your fancy caffeine fix, odds are you don’t appreciate at it nearly as much as when you’ve gone without it for some period. The authors contend if we voluntarily cut back on certain things, making them more of a treat when we do partake, we’ll be happier as a result.

Buy Time

We all have an opportunity to make more money. The amount we could make might be unlimited but not so when it comes to time. Studies show spending money on things that might save us time so we can participate in more experiential things will make us happier. We can probably all think of a time when we missed an event because we had to work or do chores. Paying someone to cut the grass or fix the house so you can attend your kids’ events might be a better use of your money. You’ll be happier for it and so will your family.

Pay Now, Consume Later

Wouldn’t life be grand if we didn’t have to worry about money? It might be but that’s not the case and we hate the pain of paying. Paying as you go is the worst approach because you might nickel and dime yourself out of things that could make your purchase or experience much better. And you have the worry of paying tacked on constantly as you go.

Alternatively, you could just charge it and not worry about it. However, throwing caution to the wind and living it up still means paying the piper when the credit card bill arrives. At that point you begin to wonder if it was all worth it, which leads to less satisfaction with your purchase and possibly regret.

Studies show that bearing the pain of paying up front reduces the stress during and after the purchase, which leads to more happiness. For example – think about going on a vacation where you constantly worry about the price of food, drinks, and activities vs. going to an all-inclusive resort where you paid up front. At the all-inclusive you’ll probably throw caution to the wind and live it up much more thereby creating a better experience and happiness.

Invest in Others

Jesus told his followers “’Tis better to give than receive.” It turns out science validates His ancient wisdom. Whether people were given money or asked to spend their own, those who spent money on others rather than themselves tended to be happier. And it doesn’t have to be large amounts of cash. It could be as simple as paying for someone’s coffee. So next time you’re out, look for a way to make another person’s day a little brighter and your day will brighten too.

The tie to influence

When you experience positive things with others you build on the principle of liking because we like those with whom we share common bonds. If buying time, making it a treat, and paying up front make you a happier person, people will enjoy being around you more.

In addition to liking, when you invest in others you tap into the principle of reciprocity. Some people you invest in, you might not see again, but then you never know. Good deeds have a way of making their way back around to those who initiate them. Giving to others might just come back in an unexpected form at some point in time. Some people call that karma.

So, my encouragement is to give the five spending pointers a try and see how you feel. You might just be happier as a result and be a little more influential to boot.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Justification and Fanatical Fans

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The college football season is now behind us and the last national champion of the BCS (Bowl Championship Series) era has been crowned. Congratulations to the Florida State Seminoles. While the BCS format was better than relying on multiple human polls (AP, UPI, coaches, etc.) each crowning it’s own national champion, the BCS was not without controversy. Continual controversy about which teams were the top two at year-end is a big reason fans are eagerly awaiting next season because the national champion will be determined in a four-team playoff system.
While a playoff might be better than the current format, you can imagine the 5th, 6th and perhaps 7th teams will all believe they have a strong case for being one of the top four. Perhaps the controversy will only expand and maybe the additional intrigue will make the season even more exciting.
What’s interesting about fans is their fanaticism. If you watch a game with diehard fans from opposing teams, a game where you have no stake in the outcome, you’ll see and hear interesting things.
Each fan will believe the referees are against their team and favoring the opposing team. They’ll be quick to point out every infraction the referees missed that would have benefitted their team and they’ll argue most of the calls made against their team. Each fan will also think the television commentators are pulling for the other team and you might even hear them say ESPN or other media outlets are against their team. It’s almost an “us against the world” mentality.
Fans are also an interesting bunch when it comes to admitting defeat or when another team might just be better. This came to light more than a month ago when my favorite college team (not my alma mater) – The Ohio State Buckeyes – lost their conference championship game. After 24 straight wins, that one loss dashed their hopes of playing for the national championship. A relative who is a big Michigan Wolverines (OSU’s big rival) fan took particular joy in telling me how Ohio State just can’t run with “the big dogs.” It didn’t matter to him that Ohio State had beaten his team 10 of 12 years, won the Big 10 championship six years in a row during one recent stretch, had won 24 straight games, made more BSC bowl game appearances than any other team, won as many BSC bowl games as any other team, played in three national championships and won the big game once. Pretty compelling resume for someone to conclude Ohio State has been much better than Michigan for the past 10-12 years.
If it sounds like I’m bragging, I am a bit, but truthfully it was to point out how irrational fans can be. Under no circumstance would my relative ever admit the Buckeyes are better than the Wolverines, even over the past dozen years despite the clear evidence.
Why do we irrationally hold on to certain beliefs in spite of the evidence against us, and continue to justify our beliefs? I believe it has to do with the principle of consistency. This principle of influence alerts us to the reality that people feel internal psychological pressure and external social pressure to remain consistent with what they’ve said, done or believed in the past.
In his book Influence Science and Practice, Robert Cialdini shares a story about people going to a transcendental meditation workshop that promoted flying and walking through walls among other things. Despite the clear evidence against these practices people desperate for change went to the introductory session then justified their investment of time and money.
It’s psychologically hard on us to admit that perhaps we were wrong about something and to stop justifying it. We see this phenomenon in more than sports. Take politics for example. We were led to believe if Obama was re-elected over Romney that our economy would suffer immensely. A gauge that’s often used to see how the economy is doing is the Dow Jones Industrial average. The Dow was around 13,000 before the election and despite a 300-point drop in the days immediately after the election it now hovers at record levels between 16,400 and 16,500. Democrats will say it is evidence their policies work while Republicans will give reasons for the rise other than government policy.
Had the scenario been reversed and it was Romney that was elected, Republicans would gloat and Democrats would say the Dow increase is due to unethical business practices that really hurt most Americans.
One thing is for sure; neither side would ever concede and say, “Perhaps we were wrong and they were right.” They will come up with reasons to justify their position.
When my team lost that conference championship, as hard as it was, I acknowledged Michigan State deserved to win. Then Michigan State showed more metal beating a very good Stanford team in The Rose Bowl. Meanwhile my team was again outplayed in The Orange Bowl and lost, despite having opportunities to win. Ohio State was very good but not one of the elite teams this year and I’m okay admitting that.
So what does all this mean for you in terms of influence? The next time you get into a debate about which people have a very personal stake – sports, politics, religion, certain social issues, etc. – recognize first of all, no matter what you say or do some people will refuse to change their point of view. But at least you know that now and perhaps it will lessen your frustration. If you want to dislodge people from irrational consistency here are five tips that might help:
  1. Don’t allow your emotions to get the best of you.
  2. Don’t argue your point because that will cause defensiveness.
  3. Ask questions that might get the other person to acknowledge small points where you might be correct.
  4. When the other person has a valid point acknowledge it.
  5. Exhibit patience because it might take several communications to gain ground.

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Does a Rising Tide Lift All Boats?

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People are fond of analogies that help them visualize concepts that can be difficult to grasp. Steve Jobs used an analogy when he said, “Computers are like a bicycle for our minds.” Another common analogy is describing the human brain as a computer.

One analogy that’s kicked around quite a bit in politics is, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” That’s easy to picture. After all, when the tide rolls in all boats sit higher relative to the docks they’re tied to or some other stationary object.

Politicians like to use the phrase when it comes to the economy. If more tax cuts are given to the wealthiest people, they’ll spend their extra money creating jobs or buying more stuff. Either way, more goods are sold which means more people are employed to produce and sell those goods. Everyone is better off because all boats have been lifted.

But there’s a problem. The analogies we use are only comparisons to help us understand something but they’re not the actual thing. In one sense they’re like a map. A map can be a helpful tool but it’s not the actual terrain. It can never fully represent the real thing and the more diverse the terrain is, the less a map can fully represent it.

People who use the rising tide analogy want us to believe everyone is better off when the wealthiest among us do better. There is some truth to that. However, it ignores a basic tenant of behavioral economics regarding how we make comparisons and decisions.

You see, most people don’t simply look at their situation relative to how they were at some point in the past. Rather, we have a habit of comparing ourselves to others in the moment.

We see this publicly played out in sports quite often. Let’s say an athlete has a great year and gets a huge raise because he or she is considered among the best in their sport. They’re happy! But the moment the athlete learns someone else just got more money, discontentment sets in. No longer do they care that they’re making significantly more than they used to. Instead, the athlete feels slighted compared to the other, higher paid athlete.

The same can be said of the average American. While many may be a little better off than they were five or ten years ago based solely on their income, they don’t necessarily see it that way. That’s probably because they’re not comparing their take home pay to prior paychecks. In fact, if inflation, medical bills, or other things that occur in life may have eaten away at their take home pay. That’s a big reason people often feel they’re working harder than ever but have little or nothing to show for it.

Another comparison point comes when people hear about senior executive compensation at large corporations. For example, did you know back in 2005 the average CEO made 525 times more than the typical American worker made? That pay differential took a significant dip due to the 2008 recession but it’s trending back up and was 369 times more in 2012 (344 in 2022).

Can you see why someone might be disgruntled? Most people have an innate sense of fairness, and of right and wrong, and when that gets violated, many people would rather get nothing just to see the other person get nothing too. It doesn’t make economic sense because economically a little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing.

Several years ago, I conducted survey with my blog readers. One question read: You’re playing a game, and your partner was given $100 to share with you any way they see fit. The two of you get to keep the $100, but only if you think you’ve been treated fairly. What’s the least amount you would want in order to not reject the deal?

Just over two thirds of the respondents said sharing $50 of the $100 would be fair. The average for all responses was $41.88. Even though they’d have been better off only getting a dollar, the vast majority would reject the deal if the split wasn’t about equal.

It doesn’t make sense economically because if you were given $30, $20, even $1 that’s better than nothing, and it’s more than you started with. But that’s not how most people typically think and behave. When people don’t feel they’re being treated fairly they take action…even if those same actions might hurt themselves in the end.

The tide may be rising but all the people in the little boats stare at the luxury liners and from their vantage point is seems as if those ships are getting a bigger lift…and they don’t like it.

My fear is this; if our government in conjunction with big business doesn’t come up with ways to make the average workers feel like they’re being compensated in a more equitable way, the consequences could be worse for all of us in the long run. Whether or not you agree with the “We are the 99%” and “March on Wall Street” movements, they reflect what I’m sharing about here. People are unhappy and they’re starting to take action.

A take-away for those of you who aspire to be more effective persuaders would be this – whenever you use analogies to make a point, make sure the analogies are appropriate for your audience or your best laid plans could backfire on you.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer

 

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

PAVE the Way to Success in 2014

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If you’re like many people then you’ll be making
New Year’s resolutions and if you’re like most you’ll be
breaking those same resolutions within a day or two. According to one study,
more than half the people who make resolutions are confident of achieving them,
yet barely more than one in ten do so. That’s amazingly bad because most resolutions
are good ones! Here are a few of the most popular New Year’s resolutions:

  • Spend
    more time with family
  • Lose
    weight
  • Begin
    exercising
  • Quit
    smoking
  • Quit
    drinking
  • Get
    organized
  • Get
    out of debt

The list is admirable so why are these goals so
difficult to achieve for 90% of us? There are probably as many reasons
as there are resolutions and dwelling on them wouldn’t be as beneficial as
giving you scientifically proven tips that can help make 2014 a year of positive change for you. Around this time every year I
share an influence technique that can help readers PAVE
the way to success in the New Year.

In the study of persuasion there’s a powerful
motivator of behavior known as the principle of consistency.” This proven
rule tells us people feel internal and external psychological pressure to act
in ways that are consistent with their prior actions, words, deeds, beliefs and
values. When we act in consistent ways we feel better about ourselves and other
people perceive us in a more favorable light, which adds to our authority in their eyes.
There are four simple things to strengthen the
power of consistency in your life. These simple ideas will help you PAVE the way to success because they’ll
dramatically increase the odds that you’ll follow through on your New Year’s
resolutions.
Public – Whenever you
make a public statement, whether verbally or in writing, you’re putting
yourself and your reputation on the line. The mere fact that another person
knows your intention and might ask you how you’re doing is often
enough motivation for people to follow through.
Recommendation
#1 – Share with another person or group of people, your New Year’s
resolution and ask them to hold you accountable.
Active – You have to
actively do something. Merely thinking about a resolution, just keeping it to
yourself as some sort of secret, will lead to the same results as people who
don’t make resolutions. In other words, nothing will change. This came to light
in a study with a group of students who wanted to improve their college grades.
One group was asked to write their goals down, one group kept their goals in
their heads, and the last group had no specific goal whatsoever. As you can
imagine, the group with the written goals succeeded, with nearly 90% of
students increasing by a full letter grade! With the other two groups the
results were identical and poor. In each group fewer than 1 in 6 students
improved a full letter grade. It’s worth noting, they were all given the same
study materials so they all had the same opportunity to better their GPA.
Recommendation
#2 – Make sure you have to take some active steps. It could be as simple
as buying a book to help you learn more about the changes you’re hoping to
make.
Voluntary – This has to
be YOUR goal, not someone else’s goal for you. If you’re trying to do something
– quit smoking, lose weight, get in shape – it’s not likely your motivation
will last if someone told you to do it. The goal has to come from you because
if it’s forced on you it’s not likely your willpower will last long. Samuel Butler
said it best when he wrote, “He who complies against his will is of the same
opinion still.”
Recommendation
#3 – Make sure it’s something you really want to do.
Effort – It was already
noted that you have to actively do something. In other words, making the
commitment should require some effort on your part. The more effort
you expend setting up your goal, the more likely you are to succeed. Something
as simple as writing down your resolution can make a difference, even if you
don’t share it with anyone. But, taking the time to share it also fulfills the
public requirement, which gives you more bang for the buck! Robert Cialdini
puts it this way, “People live up to what they write down.”
Recommendation
#4 – A little more effort, like committing pen to paper, will increase your chance for success
significantly.
So to recap the recommendations:
  1. Share your resolutions with others.
  2. Make sure to take some active steps.
  3. Make it your goal.
  4. Commit pen to paper.

None of what I just shared is
new but I’m guessing many of you haven’t tried the PAVE
approach before. If you’ve failed at your resolutions in the past then give
this approach a try. If you fail again you’re no worse off but this different
approach might just be your key to success in 2014. Good luck and Happy New
Year to all of you!

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer

 

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Mastering the Art of Human Relationships

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“Before I learned the art, a punch was just a punch, and a kick, just a kick. After I learned the art, a punch was no longer a punch, a kick, no longer a kick. Now that I understand the art, a punch is just a punch and a kick is just a kick.” – Bruce Lee

If martial arts is about fighting then what. does the quote above from the greatest martial artist of the last century – some might say all time – have to do with relationships?

Bruce Lee’s observation had to do with more than punching and kicking. It had to do with mastering whatever you set out to do. If you observe children they’re free in almost everything they do. They don’t think, they just do. Now, they may punch or kick poorly, or play the piano poorly, or swing a golf club the wrong way, but they’re uninhibited when they do so.

Then they begin to learn the right way, the proper techniques, and all of a sudden there’s more to a powerful punch or kick than they realized. As they concentrate, trying hard to perform correctly, what was so free and easy actually becomes quite difficult. However, with time, patience and enough practice it gets easier and easier. Eventually they perform very well without even thinking. The punch and kick have once again become just a punch and kick.

If you’ve taken up golf, played an instrument or tried anything else that required skill then I’m sure you can relate to this. It’s hard to do something when you’re thinking about all the steps you need to go through to perform the task. The mechanics of a golf swing are a great example. The pros make it look easy but a good golf swing is an intricate process.

Relationships can be quite similar. A while ago Abigail and I spent a day together and she talked about someone she liked, someone she’d known for many years. When they were just friends she said it was easy to talk but as the relationship began to change it wasn’t so easy. Going from friend to something more requires better communication skills and the transition can be hard.

Jane and I have been married for 25 years and right now things are really good and pretty easy. We went through our phases where that wasn’t the case. The honeymoon was easy. Life got tougher as the novelty wore off and we began to “do life.” We started to really get to know each other and some of the things that were cute at first became irritating. Eventually we turned a corner and began to realize those sometimes cute, sometimes irritating things are part of what makes each of us unique. All of a sudden we went from cute to irritating to appreciation.

You could say we’ve learned the art of navigating our relationship. No longer do we look for hidden meaning behind the words and wrestle with things like we used to. We pretty much accept each other for who we are, how we appear and what we say. If we think there’s more to the communication we just ask each other what’s meant by the statement. It’s amazing how often that stymies negative thoughts and stops a bad period before it even starts.

No one takes up martial arts and expects to perform like a black belt right away any more than a new golfer expects to play like a PGA pro. And the same is true of relationships. You can’t just jump into a relationship and expect to land where it takes others decades to reach.

But here’s the good news – you can make strides much faster if you dedicate yourself to the process and have people who can coach you. In the taekwondo studio, Abigail and I learned from the more senior black belts and the studio owner Grandmaster Black. When Jane golfs she dedicates time to practice regularly and works with a pro. For each of us practice, patience and coaching paid off.

When it comes to mastering the art of human relationships, having good friends who can speak into your life with brutal honesty is like a coach offering correction to an athlete. If your friends are wise and you’re coachable you can enjoy more fulfilling relationships much, much sooner. After all, learning from other’s mistakes and successes can help you avoid the mistakes and enjoy success much, much sooner.

So let me end with a couple of questions.

  • Do you have a business coach or mentor you turn to consistently? If not, you should seriously consider seeking out someone because it could make a big difference in your performance.
  • Do you have a life coach or accountability partner, someone you check in with regularly who can speak freely into your life? Again, something you should give thought to.

There’s no better time to implement a great change than moving into the New Year.

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

The Importance of “Thank You”

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Several weeks ago I wrote a blog post on the correct ways to respond to “Thanks.” Much to my surprise and delight it struck a chord with readers. As I was watching television after a Sunday of football, a 60 Minutes piece caught my attention so I decided to write about the importance of saying, “Thank you.”

In the 60 Minutes segment, Anderson Cooper interviewed Marcus Luttrell, the author of Lone Survivor, the account of four Navy Seals who were ambushed during a recon mission in Afghanistan. Luttrell was the lone survivor on that fateful day in 2005.

Cooper also interviewed retired Vice Admiral Joe McGuire. According to the Vice Admiral one of Luttrell’s comrades, Lieutenant Mike Murphy, placed a call for help after he and his three fellow Seals had been shot. Murphy had to expose himself on a rock to place the call even though he knew he’d likely be killed in such a vulnerable location.

He made the call and said, “We could really use your help.” He was told by command, “Help is on the way.” Then Vice Admiral McGuire said he admired Murphy because, having been shot and knowing he’d probably die radioing for help, he finished the call by saying, “Thank you.” The Vice Admiral said of Murphy, “That’s just the kind of man he was.” Did you catch that? He actually took time to say “Thank you” in the middle of a firefight knowing he might die!

As I noted in the post several weeks ago, how you respond to “thank you” can make a big difference in your ability to persuade others. On the flip side, expressing gratitude, saying “thank you”, is every bit as important. If Lieutenant Murphy could find the time to remember to say, “Thanks,” then who are we not to?

Giving thanks taps into reciprocity, the principle that tells us people feel obligated to do something for those who’ve done something for them. “Thank you” is one of the first phrases we learned when mom and dad taught us that thanking others was the right thing to do after someone had done something for us.

Unfortunately showing gratitude – good manners – seems to be slipping these days. I think that because of the responses I get from others when I say, “Yes, thank you,” or “No, thanks.” Quite often I’m thanked in return because politeness stands out today. While that might be a sad commentary, the good news for you is your “Thanks” will stand out in a positive way.

I remember many years ago “stopping the presses” to help someone accomplish something that was very important to them. It involved several people on my end and was a disruption in normal processing but we got it done. What stayed with me all these years was the fact that the person we helped never said thanks or acknowledged we went out of our way to help even though we didn’t have to.

I realize I don’t work for thanks and that I’m expected to do my job but our company has a culture in which associates recognize extra effort with sincere appreciation. I knew in my heart if that person ever wanted my help again I’d do what was asked but the effort would not be the same as it would for others who genuinely appreciated past efforts.

When you recognize people and their effort it helps build relationships and it’s a proven fact that people prefer to say, “Yes” to those they know and like. That’s the principle of liking.

So here is some simple persuasion advice. When people have done something you genuinely appreciate, let them know. “Thanks” and “Thank you” go a long way but I’d encourage you to go a bit further. Thank the other person and, if warranted, tag it with a bit more:

  • “Thanks, I really appreciate what you did.”
  • “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you’d…”
  • “You have been so helpful. Thanks a lot!”

Each of these takes just a moment of reflection and a couple of extra seconds. Lieutenant Murphy found the time during the fight of his life; can you? Even if you’re dealing with someone you might not see again at a minimum you might just brighten his or her day. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with regularly, an approach like I’ve described can go a long way toward building a stronger, more productive relationship and that will make future attempts at persuasion much easier.

Persuasion Advice from the Wizard of Oz

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Sometimes it feels good to revisit our childhood. I had that experience the day after Thanksgiving as I watched “The Wizard of Oz” again. I did so because I enjoy the movie and the memories it brings back. I also felt like I might learn something from the great and powerful Oz. I wasn’t disappointed!
Dorothy and her friends – the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow – make their way to the Land of Oz because they all need something from the Wizard. The Tin Man wants a heart, the Cowardly Lion is looking for courage and the Scarecrow is hoping to get a brain.
When it comes to persuasion we’ll focus on the Scarecrow. The Wizard tells him all he really needs is a diploma. Once the Scarecrow has it in hand all of a sudden he believes he’s smart. See for yourself in the YouTube video clip below.
Now we all know someone handing you a diploma doesn’t make you smart anymore than wearing a black belt to work makes you a martial arts master.
Even earning both of those prestigious things – a college diploma or a black belt in some martial art – doesn’t certify you as a genius or the next Bruce Lee.
However, each does make you better off. I can only assume someone who earned a college degree is more intelligent for having gone through the four-year process. As a result of their hard work and earning a diploma they’re more likely to land a good job and enjoy success as compared to those who don’t have a college degree.
Likewise, people who’ve earned a black belt should be much more capable of defending themselves should the need arise.
But there’s another benefit. Having a diploma, black belt or some other certification can make you more persuasive. And the more difficult or rare your certification, the more impressive (i.e., persuasive) it is. That’s the principle of authority in operation.
For example, did you know in 2005 more than 85% of United States citizens had a high school diploma but only 22% had a bachelor’s degree? Of course, getting a degree from a prestigious university will carry more weight than a more run of the mill school. After all, if you hear someone has a degree from Harvard or Yale you’re impressed, aren’t you? The exclusivity of a degree from a prestigious school is the principle of scarcity at work. And the more education you pursue (MBA, doctorate, etc.) the more impact it has.
When it comes to a martial arts black belt there are no official population stats. Having taken taekwondo for many years I can tell you very few people get involved in the martial arts and the vast majority don’t put in the years it requires to earn a black belt. When you hear people have earned a second degree, third degree or more, you know they’ve been practicing their craft for many, many years. The more degrees, the more impressive from an authority and scarcity standpoint.
So when people know you’re a college graduate, especially from a prestigious university, that gives you more credibility but a key is that people know what your credentials are before you attempt to persuade them. This is why speakers should always have a bio prepared for a third party to introduce them before they present.
The same effect can be had prior to important meetings with a newer client. Having a bio prepared for someone (an associate of the person you’ll meet, your boss, a mutual friend, etc.) to send via email on your behalf gets your credibility established before the meeting.
Here’s a powerful tip – you write the bio or email. That’s right, you write the bio or email then give it to the third party and tell them they can wordsmith it so it sounds like them. Never, ever, ever leave it up to the other person to write this on your behalf because they don’t know all you’ve done and accomplished. As you write the email it may feel like you’re bragging but it will sound perfectly natural coming from the other person.
Another area you want to make sure is current is LinkedIn. Does your LinkedIn profile show your degree? How about your awards and certificates? Do you mention any in your summary? LinkedIn is your online resume and people are checking it out so make sure it’s the best reflection possible of you and your accomplishments.
So here’s your take away. Work hard, do the things most people aren’t willing to do, and see them through to completion. Once you’ve done that and earned your diploma, certificate, award or some other acknowledgement of your accomplishment, make sure people know about it before you try to persuade. It’s a small thing but it can make a big difference when it comes to persuasion.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.