Giving Changes the Giver

Most of us understand the principle of reciprocity this way: When someone does something for us, we feel some obligation to give back.

Obligation is a heavy word, it weighs on us, and that’s why reciprocity is such a powerful principle of influence. Give first, particularly when what you give is meaningful, customized, and unexpected, and people are more willing to help you in return. But there’s another side of reciprocity we don’t talk about nearly as much.

I learned this years ago when my wife, Jane, turned 52. I wanted to give her something extra special for her birthday, so I came up with an idea I’d never heard of anyone doing: 52 gifts for her 52nd birthday. Rather than giving them all at once, I promised to give her one gift every week for an entire year.

Naturally, Jane enjoyed receiving a gift each week but something unexpected happened to me along the way. I started paying more attention to my wife.

Because I needed to come up with 52 gifts, I found myself listening more carefully to things she said. I noticed what caught her attention. I thought about what might surprise her, make her smile, or let her know I was thinking about her. Our daughter, Abigail, even became part of the process because I often ran ideas by her, or we shopped together.

I started the project thinking about what I could give Jane. I didn’t realize what I would receive in return.

Reciprocity Works in Two Directions

When we think about reciprocity as an influence principle, our attention naturally goes to the recipient: If I give something to you, you’re more likely to give something back to me. That’s true but focusing only on the return misses some important things:

Giving can change our attention.
Giving can deepen our appreciation.
Giving can strengthen relationships.

And perhaps most importantly, giving can shift our attention away from ourselves. But there is an important qualifier: our motive matters.

If I’m buying your lunch while mentally keeping track of what you owe me, that’s not really generosity. It’s a transaction with delayed payment. The best giving doesn’t keep score and ironically, that’s often when we receive the most.

A thoughtful note of encouragement forces us to think about what we appreciate in another person. Helping a colleague requires us to notice what they’re struggling with. Giving someone our undivided attention requires us to stop thinking about what we’re going to say next and actually listen. The recipient benefits and so do we.

The Gift You Didn’t Expect

There’s an old saying that it’s better to give than to receive. As a kid waiting for Christmas morning, I wasn’t buying it.

Now I understand it differently because receiving depends on someone else deciding to give. But giving is almost always available to us. We can encourage someone. Make an introduction. Share useful information. Let someone merge into traffic. Pick up the check. Give credit to a colleague. Put down the phone and listen.

None of those things requires keeping a mental ledger. And when generosity becomes part of who we are rather than merely something we use, some interesting things happen:

We begin looking for opportunities to help.
We notice people more.
We become more grateful for what we already have.

And sometimes generosity spreads because people who experience kindness are inspired to extend it to someone else. That’s influence at its best.

So, yes, reciprocity tells us that when we give, people often feel inclined to give back. But perhaps the most important return isn’t what comes back from them. It’s what happens inside us.

Sometimes when you give, the recipient isn’t the only one receiving a gift.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Giving Changes the Giver