Kindness or Conflict: What Cycle Are You Creating?

What does it mean to be virtuous?

Most of us would say it means having good character—being kind, honest, and doing the right thing, even when it’s hard.

Now consider the opposite: to be vicious.

That might sound extreme, but it doesn’t have to mean physically violent. Viciousness can show up subtly, and not so subtly, as cruelty, malice, or spite.

And here’s where it gets interesting: both virtue and vice can play out through the same powerful principle—reciprocity.

The Power Behind Reciprocity

When I teach about influence, I often describe reciprocity as a virtuous cycle. But for that to work, we need to understand something deeper about liking—one of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s seven principles of influence.

Most people think liking is about getting others to like you. That’s okay, but the more powerful—and often overlooked—part is you coming to genuinely like others.

When we take the time to see the good in people, notice what we have in common, or offer a sincere compliment, we begin to feel more connected. And when we like someone, it’s only natural to want to help them.

When Giving Comes From a Good Place

That’s when authentic reciprocity kicks in.

When you extend a helping hand with no strings attached, people recognize it. They feel it. They appreciate it. And because reciprocity is wired into us (every society teaches it), they’re more likely to give something back—not out of obligation, but because they want to.

That’s how the cycle becomes virtuous. It builds goodwill. It strengthens relationships. It leads to more generosity, not less.

I’ve seen it play out countless times in my life and career. I give without expecting anything in return—maybe a kind word, a small favor, a thoughtful text, or some extra effort to support someone—and what comes back is often greater than what I gave.

That generosity encourages me to keep giving. And the cycle continues.

The Dark Side of Reciprocity

But there’s a flip side.

Just as reciprocity can lift people up, it can also drag them down.

That’s what I call the vicious cycle.

Think about someone who feels wronged. Instead of letting it go or having a constructive conversation, they wait for their chance to “even the score.” And when they do, the other person—now feeling hurt—hits back.

What started as a single slight spirals into an ongoing tit-for-tat. Both sides dig in. The relationship deteriorates. The cycle of retaliation keeps turning.

Where Do We See It?

You don’t have to look far to find examples:

• Political parties locked in endless conflict
• Labor and management constantly at odds
• Families stuck in years-long silence

Sometimes it plays out in painful, personal ways. Maybe two friends or relatives have a falling out. One refuses to apologize because they feel justified. The other is hurt and sees no reason to make the first move.

Both are stuck—waiting for the other to blink.

Breaking the Cycle

But here’s the thing: when someone finally steps forward with a sincere apology—when they own their part without defensiveness—it can break the cycle.

That vulnerability often softens the other person, who then acknowledges their own role. Trust begins to rebuild. And sometimes, the relationship grows stronger than before.

It’s not guaranteed. But someone has to go first.

Your Choice, Your Impact

Every interaction is a chance to choose the cycle.

Will it be virtuous—built on liking, kindness, and sincere giving?
Or will it be vicious—fueled by resentment, retaliation, and ego?

The choice is yours. And while you can’t control how others respond, you can control what you bring to the relationship—and trust that reciprocity will do its job.

Start with liking. Find common ground. Offer a kind word.
Look for what’s good in people and let that guide your actions. Reciprocity will follow. And when it does, you’ll find yourself in a cycle worth repeating.

What about you?

Have you ever broken a vicious cycle by choosing to go first?

Or experienced the ripple effect of a virtuous act that came back to you in a meaningful way?

I encourage you to share your thoughts because your story might be just what someone else needs to hear today.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!