Loving Unlikable and Difficult People

Years ago, I heard a sermon about dealing with difficult people. We all have them in our lives—family members, neighbors, coworkers, or acquaintances we would rather avoid.

Then the pastor said something I have never forgotten: “When I talk about difficult people, remember—someone is thinking about you.” Yikes!

It is easy to identify the people who make our lives difficult. It is much harder to imagine that we might be that person for someone else.

That raises an important question: How do we love people we don’t like?

C.S. Lewis wrestled with this in Mere Christianity. He acknowledged that there were people he didn’t particularly like, which made it difficult to understand how he could love them. Then he realized there was someone else he didn’t always like—himself.

There were times when he disliked his behavior or was deeply disappointed in himself. Yet even in those moments, he continued to seek his own good. He wanted to improve, be forgiven, and become a better person.

That led him to an important realization: Liking and loving are related, but they are not the same. We don’t have to feel affection for someone to love them. Love can begin with a decision to seek what is good for that person.

As a Christian, I’m called to love my enemies. That command makes more sense when I stop viewing love only as a feeling. Biblical love is also a choice. It’s the choice to do right by someone, even when it costs me and even when the person has done nothing to earn it.

In everyday life, love might mean helping a stranded motorist, supporting an overwhelmed coworker, or giving a few dollars to someone who comes up short at the register. We do those things because we recognize another person’s need and respond as we hope someone would respond to us.

What does any of this have to do with influence? Quite a bit.

Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence can help us change not only how other people respond to us but also how we see them.

Consider the principle of Liking. Most people assume it means getting others to like us. But an equally important question is: What am I doing to genuinely like the other person?

Looking for similarities can help. Perhaps you cheer for the same team, enjoy the same hobby, have similar family experiences, or care about the same cause. Those commonalities do not erase your differences, but they can shorten the distance between you.

Genuine compliments can have a similar effect. When you intentionally look for something good in another person—a strength, thoughtful action, or admirable quality—you begin to see more than the traits that irritate you. Your feelings may not change immediately, but your perspective often does.

Unity takes us deeper because it is based on shared identity. You may not enjoy being around a particular family member, but because that person is part of your family, you may make sacrifices for them that you would not make for someone else.

Shared identity can extend beyond family. We might see ourselves as members of the same organization, community, profession, country, or faith. The more we view another person as “one of us” rather than “one of them,” the easier it becomes to care about their well-being.

This naturally happens because, as Cialdini points out in his book Pre-suasion, “People experience unusually high stimulation in the self-reward centers of their brains after aiding a family member. It’s as if by doing so, they are aiding themselves.”

Reciprocity also offers an unexpected path. We usually think of it as helping others because they have helped us. But choosing to give first can change us too. When we invest our time, attention, or energy in another person, we may begin to see them as someone worth investing in.

None of this means ignoring destructive behavior, abandoning healthy boundaries, or pretending harmful actions are acceptable. Loving someone does not require allowing them to mistreat us but it does mean refusing to reduce a person to the qualities we find difficult.

Tina Turner famously asked, “What’s love got to do with it?” In God’s eyes, everything.

Who is someone you find difficult to like? What might change if, instead of waiting for warmer feelings, you chose one small way to seek that person’s good?

And one more question worth considering: Who might be trying to do the same with you?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!