Sharing is Caring…But Sometimes Less is More

Have you ever been in a conversation that quietly slipped from dialogue into monologue? Or watched someone walk into a room and take over the discussion like a vacuum sucking all the air out?

You’re not alone. Most of us have felt the discomfort of being on the receiving end of conversational domination. The irony is, the talker may think they’re building rapport—but they’re doing the opposite. Good intentions get drowned out in a tidal wave of words.

Here’s the truth: when it comes to influence, sharing is caring—but sometimes, less is more.

Over two decades of teaching ethical influence, leadership communication, and relationship-driven selling have made one truth very clear: the best influencers often speak the least. Whether it’s a top-performing salesperson, an admired leader, or a trusted friend, the people we enjoy talking with most usually aren’t the ones doing all the talking. They’re asking thoughtful questions. They’re listening. They’re guiding.

Talk Less, Ask More

According to some of the best salespeople—and my personal experience—great salespeople talk about 25–30% of the time during customer conversations. Why? Because they understand the power of asking the right questions. In Persuasive Selling, I talk about questions being like the rudder of a ship—small, but capable of steering the entire conversation. That’s ethical influence in action: steering with intent, but not force.

This same dynamic applies outside of sales. Former President Bill Clinton, for example, was often praised as a brilliant communicator. Why? Because he made people feel seen and heard. He asked about them. People walked away feeling valued—often realizing later that he did very little of the talking.

Influence Is a Two-Way Street

Ethical influence isn’t about controlling others; it’s about connection. In Influence PEOPLE, I write that influence is all about PEOPLE—those Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade (and Pre-suade) in ways that are Lasting and Ethical. One of the most powerful ways to engage people is to show interest in them. That begins with a question.

Dale Carnegie, in How to Win Friends and Influence People, famously said: “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.” He told a story of chatting with a woman at a party, mostly listening while she spoke at length in response to questions he asked. Later, she praised him as a great conversationalist—though he’d barely said a word.

There’s a lesson in that for all of us.

The FOLDER Method

If you’re wondering how to get better at asking questions without feeling awkward or forced, try the FOLDER method. Thank you, Wes Bryant, for introducing me to the framework. This simple approach gives you six go-to topics for questions you’ll want to put in your mental folder:

• Family – Ask about their family, which shows care without assuming specifics.
• Occupation – “What do you do for a living?” is universally accessible.
• Location – “Where do you live?” or “Where have you lived that was most interesting?”
• Dreams – Inquire about goals or what they hope to accomplish.
• Education – Ask what or how they’ve learned (formal or informal).
• Recreation – “What do you do for fun?” opens the door to passions and hobbies.

This framework isn’t just for sales—it’s for life. It creates space for others to talk, and in that space, trust begins to form.

Influence Through Curiosity

In The Influencer, I use storytelling to show how a curious, attentive communicator becomes more persuasive—not through pressure, but through presence. Influence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about being the one others want to talk to.

It’s not about being interesting but being interested. And here’s the beautiful paradox: the less you talk about yourself, quite often the more interesting you become. People gravitate toward those who show genuine interest in them.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re at a networking event, a client meeting, or a family dinner, remember: You don’t need to dominate to lead the conversation. Ask a great question. Then ask a follow-up. That’s how you guide.

Because in the end, you’ll build more connections, win more trust, and deepen more relationships by becoming interested—instead of trying to be interesting.

Sharing is caring…but sometimes, less is more.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!