Tag Archive for: Influence Science and Practice

The Best Way to Ensure We All Get Along

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I’m a big social media user. I particularly
enjoy Facebook because in my opinion it’s more personal than all of the other
social media sites I use. I like that I can get to know people in a much more
intimate way and that they can get to know me, too, because I’m the same guy on
Facebook that you’d encounter if we sat down to share a beer or had coffee
together.
While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed
not too long ago, I came across a picture and quote from the rap artist
Eminem.
In case you had a hard time seeing the quote
here it is again, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, bisexual,
gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you’re nice to me I’ll be nice to you. Simple as that.”
From what I gather, Eminem has grown immensely
as an individual. Having seen a segment on 60
Minutes about Eminem years ago, I believe that’s partly due to him becoming
a father. The intent behind his message is good – Accept me and I’ll accept
you in return. The world would be a much better place if we saw that in practice more
often.
However, you and I, Eminem, and every other
person, can be more proactive to make this mutual acceptance and respect become
reality. You see, according to what Eminem said, he is waiting for others to
treat him nicely, then he’ll do the same to them. In other words, he will
reciprocate their kindness. Eminem is responding to the principle of
reciprocity by giving back what he receives first. Most people live by this
principle of influence. If someone respects them they will respect the other
person. If someone is kind to them they will be kind in return.
A more effective approach to ensure we all get
along would be becoming an influence of change by being the first person to
act. In doing so, you engage the principle of reciprocity and others will feel some obligation
to treat you the same way. How much better would everyone be if Eminem and
other prominent people went out of their way to be kind first, to show respect
first, and to help first?
What about you? How might your family,
workplace and life be better if you were the first one to willingly give what
you’d like from others?
Imagine for a moment that you have a fractured
relationship. You believe the other person is at fault and they believe you’re
at fault. Usually the truth is somewhere in between and each person bears some
responsibility. What would happen if you stepped to the middle first and said,
“Regardless of what happened, I should not have said (or done) X. I want you to
know I’m sorry.” It’s very likely the other person will soften his/her position,
would fess up to some wrongdoing, and apologize in response to your first move.
The relationship may still be somewhat fractured but it’s on the mend and at
least has a chance of going forward.
Perhaps you want respect from coworkers. The
big question would be; do you give them respect? If not, start going out of
your way to do so, then see how they respond. Whatever it is you want from others,
be the first to give because it engages reciprocity and you’re likely to get
the same in return.
The principle of liking can help build or
strengthen relationships and so can reciprocity when it’s engaged sincerely. It
might require swallowing some pride from time to time, taking the first step to
say, “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry,” it could entail letting go of anger,
resentment or hurt. But in the long run you’ll be better off letting go of
those things and probably much happier restoring relationships and getting what
you desire in return – kindness, respect, love, and so on. What’s holding you
back from taking the first step?
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

PAVE the Way to Success in 2015

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If you’re like many people then you’ll be
making New Year’s resolutions in a few days and if you’re like most of those
same people you’ll be breaking your resolutions within a few days. According to
one study, more than half the people who make resolutions are confident of
achieving them, yet barely more than 10% do so. That’s amazing because most
resolutions are good ones! Here are a some of the most popular New Year’s
resolutions: 
  • Spend more time with family
  • Lose weight
  • Begin exercising
  • Quit smoking
  • Quit drinking
  • Get organized
  • Get out of debt

The list is admirable so why are these goals
so difficult to achieve for 90% of us? There are probably as many reasons as
there are resolutions and dwelling on them wouldn’t be as beneficial as giving
you scientifically proven ideas that can help make 2015 a year of positive
change for you. Around this time every year I share an influence technique that
can help readers PAVE the way to success in the New Year.
In the study of persuasion there’s a powerful
motivator of behavior known as the principle of consistency. This proven
rule tells us people feel internal and external psychological pressure to act
in ways that are consistent with their prior actions, words, deeds, beliefs and
values. When we act in consistent ways we feel better about ourselves and other
people perceive us in a more favorable light.
There are four simple things you can tap into
in order to strengthen the power of consistency in your life. These simple
ideas will help you PAVE the way to success because they’ll dramatically
increase the odds that you’ll follow through on your New Year’s resolutions.
Public – Whenever you make a public statement,
whether verbally or in writing, you’re putting yourself and your reputation on
the line. The mere fact that another person knows your intention and might ask
you how you’re doing is often enough motivation for people to follow through.

Recommendation #1 – Share with another person
or group of people, your New Year’s resolution and ask them to hold you
accountable.

Active – You have to actively do something.
Merely thinking about a resolution, just keeping it to yourself as some sort of
secret, will lead to the same results as people who don’t make any resolutions.
In other words, nothing will change. This came to light in a study with a group
of students who wanted to improve their college grades. One group was asked to
write their goals down, one group kept their goals in their heads, and the last
group had no specific goal whatsoever. As you can imagine, the group with the
written goals succeeded, with nearly 90% of students increasing by a full
letter grade! With the other two groups the results were identical and poor. In
each group fewer than 1 in 6 students improved a full letter grade. It’s worth
noting, they were all given the same study materials so they all had the same
opportunity to better their GPA. 

Recommendation #2 – Make sure you have to take
some active steps. It could be as simple as buying a book to help you learn
more about the changes you’re hoping to make or writing them down. 

Voluntary – This has to be YOUR goal, not
someone else’s goal for you. If you’re trying to do something – quit smoking,
lose weight, get in shape – it’s not likely your motivation will last if
someone told you to do it. The goal has to come from you because if it’s forced
on you it’s not likely your willpower will last long. Samuel Butler said it
best when he wrote, “He who complies against his will is of the same opinion
still.” 

Recommendation #3 – Make sure it’s something
you really want to do of your own free choice. 

Effort – It was already noted that you have to
actively do something. In other words, making the commitment should require
some effort on your part. The more effort you expend setting up your goal, the
more likely you are to succeed. Something as simple as writing down your
resolution can make a difference, even if you don’t share it with anyone. But,
taking the time to share it also fulfills the public requirement, which gives
you more bang for the buck! Robert Cialdini puts it this way, “People live up
to what they write down.” 

Recommendation #4 – A little more effort, like
committing pen to paper, will increase your chance for success significantly. 

So to recap the four recommendations: 

Public – Share your resolutions with others. 

Active – Make sure to take some active steps.

Voluntary – Make it your goal. 

Effort – Commit pen to paper. 

None of what I just shared is new but I’m
guessing many of you haven’t tried the PAVE approach before. If you’ve failed
at your resolutions in the past then give this approach a try. If you fail
again you’re no worse off but this different approach might just be your key to
success in 2015. Good luck and Happy New Year to all of you!
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® 
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Win or Lose, You Can Do Better!

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A few months ago I had the pleasure of
addressing nearly three dozen lawyers. I know some of you are thinking “pleasure”
and “lawyers” don’t always go hand in hand. However, in this case it really was
a pleasure because the topic was a one-hour overview of influence for legal
professionals. It was my first time talking with attorneys and it was much
different, and a bit more challenging, than working with supervisors, managers
and salespeople.
A bit of irony is one description used to
define the principles of influence. They’re often referred to as proven rules
or laws governing human behavior. Personally I shy away from calling them laws (even
though I was talking to lawyers) because when I think about laws, such as the
law of gravity, they describe phenomenon that will happen each and every time
unless an outside force intercedes in some way.
The principles of influence will not get a yes
response each and every time, even in the sterile environment of a campus
laboratory. It becomes more problematic in the real world because of the myriad
of outside forces. With that in mind, when I talk with audiences I generally
tell them the principles are proven rules for human behavior. I emphasize if
they’re used ethically and correctly they will lead to yes responses more
often. I’m confident of that because more than six decades of research from
social psychologists and behavioral economists proves this. We could call the
principles “brain rules” because they describe how people typically think and behave
in different situations.
As noted above, the attorney crowd was challenging.
They asked very pointed questions about using liking with juries, admitting
weakness in a case, looking for common ground with opposing attorneys and even how
the principles work when raising kids.
At one point during my talk I described the principle of scarcity – we value things
more when they’re rare or diminishing. Then I segued into a concept known as “loss
aversion.” Loss aversion labels the truth that people hate to lose and when we
think we’re going to lose we take steps to avoid that. If you’re a football fan
think about the “prevent defense.” When a team gets up on the opposing team and
time is winding down quite often the team in the lead changes what they’re
doing because the thought isn’t about winning as much as it is about not
losing. All too often the team playing from behind throws caution to the wind,
gambles and ends up winning. It’s quite frustrating for the fans of the team
that used the prevent defense and that’s why so many joke about how it prevents
your team from winning!
Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky studied loss
aversion and came to the conclusion that most people feel the pain of loss
anywhere from 2.0-2.5 times more than the joy of gaining the very same thing.
This is probably why the sting of a loss in a big game stays with us so much
longer than the joy we feel when our team wins the big game.
After my presentation a few attorneys came up
to talk with me and one of them shared something profound. He said he rarely
thinks back on cases he won but he dwells on the ones he loses. Could it be
that’s why we learn so much in defeat as opposed to victory?
I often tell salespeople whether you win the
sale or lose it you should learn from the experience. If you win, what did you
do that you can replicate into future success? When you lose, analyze what you
could have done better then look for ways to change going forward.
Victory is usually celebrated with little
reflection and losses are replayed over and over in our minds. It’s just how
we’re wired. But, the best athletes work on doing things right and commit as
much of their game to “muscle memory” as possible. They become so conditioned through
practice that they barely have to think in order to execute properly during
their chosen sport.
We can learn from the elite athletes. Next
time you win – whether in business, sports, or life in general – discipline
yourself to take time to figure out why and look for ways to build on that. The
more you repeat winning behaviors the more like you are to repeat as a winner.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Bribes, Rewards or Gifts – Which is Best?

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One Saturday morning, after a run and workout, I looked forward to a bagel and an egg over easy for breakfast. As I settled in with my meal and flipped through the news channels, something on the news caught my eye. It was a story on parenting.

One mom talked about “bribing” her kids. She told her teenage daughter she’d take her to Disney World if she got all As on her next report card. Another parent said no way would he bribe his kids to do chores or get good grades. The last parent said she uses both techniques at different times.

Obviously, none of the parents understood much about what social psychology has to say about influencing behavior. The rewards the parents were offering (there were more examples than just Disney World) work to some degree. That’s why so many businesses use rewards to motivate behavior. However, studies show quite often that engaging the principle of reciprocity can be more effective and cost a lot less.

One study I share during my workshops has to do with a health insurance company wanting to see if they could get a better response from owners of construction companies on their health questionnaire. With one group of business owners they offered a $50 reward for completing the questionnaire. With the rest of the business owners they sent a $5 check acknowledging their time was valuable and they appreciated them taking time to complete the questionnaire.

And what were the results? You’d think the $50 offer being 10 times more would definitely get a better response but it didn’t. Only 23% of those offered the big reward filled out the questionnaire but 52% who were given the $5 gift up front complied with the request. So, the response was more than twice as much in the gift scenario and there was a huge savings depending on exactly how many people cashed the $5 check. If every person, including those who didn’t fill out the questionnaire, cashed the check, the savings would be 57%. If only those who completed the questionnaire cashed the check the health company would have saved 77%! No matter how you look at it, more than doubling the response at a substantial savings is the smart business decision.

Sometimes giving something small up front engages reciprocity and the other person feels it’s only right to repay the favor. Here’s a personal example with my daughter, Abigail. When she was about 15 she was a typical teenage girl. She didn’t want to do things that were physically hard and would make her sweat … like cutting the grass. I was going to be traveling and knew I’d need her help with the lawn while I was away. I also knew if I tried to negotiate I’d lose. Had I said, “Abigail, I’ll give you a $10 a week raise in your allowance if you’ll cut the grass when I need it,” she would have said, “No thanks dad, I don’t like money that much.” Then I would have either had to significantly increase my offer or pull the parent card and force her to cut the grass. Neither approach would have been good because she would resent me or make me a lot poorer.

What I did instead was give her the $10 raise without asking for anything in return. When she asked why I was giving her the raise I told her reasons I believe she’d legitimately earned it. About a week later I was going on a trip and asked if she would cut the grass. Initially she hesitated and gave me a look but before we got any further I said, “Come on Abigail, I gave you a raise in your allowance and didn’t ask for anything. Can’t you help me out?” She said she’d cut the grass and has ever since – without arguing – whenever I’ve needed her help. And here’s the best part – for Christmas last year one of my gifts was a card with grass cutting coupons…and I don’t even give her an allowance anymore!

As noted earlier, rewards do change behavior and that’s why they’re so prevalent in business. However, much of the time we can get the behavior change we want and spend a lot less by ethically and correctly engaging reciprocity.

APPLICATION: This week take a look at instances in which you reward people for behavior and see if you can engage reciprocity instead by freely giving up front. Then, next time you need a favor just ask for their help. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many say “Yes” and that it cost you a lot less.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Is Rock ‘n Roll Dead or Just More Great Artists?

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A friend shared a Rolling Stones article on Facebook not long ago by the former lead singer of KISS, Gene Simmons. The article was titled, Rock is Finally Dead. It was Murdered. In one section Simmons laments, “Where’s the next Bob Dylan?

Where’s the next Beatles? Where are the songwriters? Where are the creators?” He goes on to blame file sharing and the attitude of the current generation of young people because they feel they should not have to pay for music.

I posted the following comment to my friend who was a rock musician in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. “I’m not too into music, nothing like you were back in the day, so here’s my question – Could it be that there are more talented musicians who are exposed to the world thanks to social media? More supply with stagnant demand would lead to lower prices. I ask because I’ve come across some really talented people who’ve often made me wonder why they didn’t make it as big as others who don’t seem to possess any more talent. Thoughts?”

His reply, “Definitely something to how fragmented the market is now that the tools to record and promote are in the hands of the masses. There isn’t the same shared experience as when the industry controlled things. But that being said, where is the new AC/DC? Who is this generation’s Led Zeppelin? These acts will never be replaced, but who is picking up where they left off? Where are the huge acts? It’s never been about talent as much as what rock-n-roll meant, the experience, the songs. LONG LIVE ROCK!”

The contrast phenomenon alerts us to the reality that we always make comparisons to other things. Was Led Zeppelin a great band? Many would say so in comparison to other bands past and present. However, some might say the Beatles or U2 are more iconic compared to Led Zeppelin. What music and musicians we like has a lot to do with our musical taste and comparison points.
I’m at the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation. We love rock ‘n roll because we grew up on it as did some of our parents. But when Bill Haley and The Comets introduced rock ‘n roll to the world, many folks of that era thought it was trash. They preferred the soothing sounds of Frank Sinatra, the Glen Miller Band and many other musicians from the ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s.

It’s quite natural for us to make comparisons. It’s also normal for each generation to believe theirs (music, movies, books, art, athletes, etc.) was the best and that the current crop has lost their way.

As I told my friend, the more musicians and sounds I’m exposed to the more I wonder why some acts make it big and some don’t. It’s not always about talent because many would say Gene Simmons and KISS weren’t talented musicians, just great showmen.

Golfers play 72 holes in a PGA tournament and one or two strokes, after 280 to 290 shots, is typically the difference between winning and losing. Win a handful of tournaments and a player is deemed a star even though he’s barely better (as measured by stroke average) than most other golf professionals.

Unlike having to qualify for tournaments, when it comes to certain artistic talents – like music – social media has knocked down many barriers to entry. More supply means people pay less, even if some new acts are better than the old ones, because we have more to choose from and it’s easier to find what suits us best. We see the same phenomenon with self-publishing books.

With more books on the market to choose from there will be fewer and fewer books that excite the masses than perhaps 50 or 100 years ago when there was less to choose from. That might lead to fewer classics in the future. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean the writers are any less talented. Some might contend they’re more talented because it takes even more to stand out now.

So, what does all of this have to do with persuasion? Each of us competes in the marketplace. For some it’s finding a mate, for some it’s on the athletic field, others it’s business. Whatever we do, wherever we do it, the challenge is to rise above the rest.

  • Why will someone want to hire you over the other bright young college grads?
  • Why should someone buy your music over the other artists?
  • What makes you stand out in your chosen field?

Until you can answer these questions, you’ll be perceived just like all the others because people will be making comparisons.

Your goal has to be to highlight your uniqueness. It’s a form of scarcity. What do you bring to the table, or what combination of things do you bring to the table, that will make someone realize they can’t get what you offer anywhere else. Once you convey that to the right people you’ll stand out. You may not be the next AC/DC, Rolling Stones or Beach Boys, but you’ll probably find your place and enjoy your lifestyle all the same.

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE
Helping You Hear “Yes”.

Look for the Best in Others and Change Your Experience

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“You only love me because you make yourself think good thoughts about me,” Jane said one day while in a blue mood. I don’t recall everything surrounding that particular conversation but I never forgot her statement. I replied, “Is that so bad?”

We all experience love differently. We meet someone and “fall in love” but for those who’ve been in long-term relationships you know those initial feelings of love dissipate and change over time. After years you find yourself loving your partner for different reasons than those at the top of the list when you fell for them.

Unlike mere attraction or infatuation I believe love is a choice. To Jane’s statement, I do choose to dwell on her best qualities. I don’t deny there are things she does that bother me, that I’d like her to change, but then she would probably have a much longer list of things I should change! However, that’s not why I keep my mouth shut and choose to focus on the positive. I focus on the positive because I do believe it makes me love her more.

The Apostle Paul knew this to be true when he encouraged the church at Philippi, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

When it comes to influence and the principle of liking – we prefer to say “Yes” to those we know and like – a way to trigger this principle into action is by focusing on what we have in common with others and offering up genuine compliments. When we focus on these two topics we’re generally looking for what we’d consider the good in another person. Not only do they come to like us more, we come to like them more at the same time. After all, the person who cheers for your team, comes from your hometown, enjoys the same hobbies as you, can’t be all bad, right?

A quick reread of Predictably Irrational by behavioral economist and Duke professor Dan Ariely sparked my thoughts on this post as I looked over chapter 10 on expectations. What we think about something or someone before encountering the item or person can dramatically impact our experience.

Remember the old “Pepsi Challenge” taste test? In blind taste tests people seemed to prefer Pepsi over Coke, including many Coke drinkers! However, when people knew they tasted Pepsi and Coke many people, especially the Coke drinkers, preferred Coke!

How can this be if they tasted the very same drinks in each taste test? It’s because knowing you’re drinking Coke, especially when you have positive associations with the brand, impacts your experience. Brain imaging studies in conjunction with the taste tests clearly show the brand association impacts a different region of the brand than the taste sensation and results in a change to the overall experience.

As I considered Ariely’s writing, Jane’s statement, and my understanding of the psychology of persuasion, it made perfect sense that our expectations impact our experience. As noted above, there are things I’d like to see Jane change but dwelling on those versus the qualities I love about her would be a waste of time and energy. If I focused on what she needs to change it’s a sure bet I would not enjoy her company as much as I do when focusing on the qualities I love.

Pondering all of this I realized something else I’d done that was helpful; a simple idea I began using years ago. In my iTunes library, among the many playlists I have, is a playlist titled “Jane.” It contains songs that bring back good memories we’ve experienced, songs that make me thing about her in ways that make my heart beat faster. Hearing songs that make us think of our loved ones isn’t a novel idea but perhaps creating playlists to positively influence your thoughts about a loved one is novel for you.

Wouldn’t you agree that listening to music that makes you think positively about your spouse on the way home, before a date night or while getting ready to spend time together would create positive expectations that would make for a better time together? In my experience it absolutely has!

So here’s my suggestion. Science tells us our expectations will impact our experience as will the choice to offer compliments and connect on similarities. Next time you get ready to be with your spouse, partner, or someone else with whom you have a relationship, make the choice to do what Paul said 2000 years ago; focus on the good in whatever way makes sense for you. It will make things better for everyone.

 

The Scoop on Ice Cream and Persuasion

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I’ve traveled a lot this year and have a lot more trips coming up. If my travel schedule plays out, I’ll have been on the road half of the weeks this year and spent at least 50 nights in hotels. Think about that – 10 weeks away from my family! Some days have entailed hitting the road by 4 a.m. to catch early morning flights and arriving home close to midnight. If you travel you know if can be tiring!

Last month, as I waited to catch an evening flight home I got a text from my daughter, Abigail, asking if I wanted to get some ice cream at Graeter’s when I landed because she wanted to tell me about her first days of college. Despite being tired I agreed because I don’t view such times as a sacrifice; rather it was an investment in her and our relationship.

As we waited in line, I tried to decide what flavor I was in the mood for and whether I’d go with a single scoop or a double. If you’ve been to Graeter’s you know the ice cream is great, but you pay a premium for it!

As I looked at the menu, I saw a single scoop cone was $2.95, and a double was $4.25. I thought, “I just bought a half gallon of really good Homemade ice cream for just over $5,” so I was reluctant to get two scoops at that price. The other thought that raced through my head was, “That’s almost twice as much.” When you do the math, you know it’s not twice as much, but my mind quickly registered the $2.95 and $4.25 as $2 vs. $4 because those are the numbers each price started with.

Something else that came into play as I decided what to do was the fact that I was still a little full from dinner a few hours ago. I decided to skip the cone to save a few calories, so I asked for a single scoop in a cup. The server said, “Would you like a second scoop for just 50 cents more?” I recall thinking, “For 50 cents why not, that’s a good deal?” because in my mind the option of going from one to two scoops was twice as much ice cream but not at double the price.

As it turns out, the single scoop in a cup was $3.75 and two scoops were $4.25…the same prince as the two scoops in a cone that I’d just decided to pass on! It was only a 50-cent difference but in the end, I got two scoops…no cone…and paid the same amount I’d mentally rejected moments before!

I read lots of books on the subject of persuasion, pricing, etc., and yet I ended up in the very place I was initially trying to avoid. Before you chuckle, I can assure you I could probably spot similar inconsistencies in some of your decision-making.

So, what happened to me? My focus shifted from “two scoops for nearly double the price” to “a second scoop for just 50 cents more” when in the end, the price was $4.25 in each case!

When we make decisions, we rarely do so in a vacuum. To assess a “deal,” we’re always making comparisons to other things. My first thought was two scoops for about the same price as a box of ice cream is not a good deal. However, knowing the first scoop was pretty expensive, getting a second scoop for just 50 cents more seemed like a great deal. My mistake was that I didn’t pay close attention to the price of a single scoop in a cone vs. the price of one scoop in a cup. I mistakenly assumed getting ice cream in a cup would be less expensive, certainly not more, because I couldn’t eat the cup.

So, here’s the “scoop” next time you’re faced with a similar decision.

  1. Try to remove your emotions from the decision. Many behavioral economics studies show people are emotional creatures that occasionally make rational decisions (i.e., We have five TVs, but I want a 66-inch flat screen!).
  2. Recognize you’re always making comparisons to other things. Make sure you’re comparing to the right thing and don’t just look for something that will confirm what you emotionally want (i.e., I know we don’t need another television but it’s 50% off!).
  3. Take a moment to consider the value of the thing you’re considering regardless of what you’re comparing to. Value is subjective but oftentimes we ascribe too much value to things we believe will make us happier or more fulfilled (i.e., What will the 66-inch screen, even if on sale, really add to your life?).

Follow these simple steps and you’ll probably make better decisions; the kinds you look back on with pride, not regret.

 

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Choose Your Words Carefully Because They Matter

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This summer was a whirlwind! After an unusually heavy amount of travel in the first half of the year. I was looking forward to no airports or hotels until I began making the rounds for fall sales training. All of that changed when I made it known to the head of State Auto’s claims division that I was available if he needed my help. To be honest, I
thought he might invite me to sit in on a few meetings in our home office and share my expertise in influence. Instead he asked if I would travel to each of our claims offices to give an overview of persuasion to all of our claim reps.

Six cities and two-dozen sessions later I concluded with a presentation to the senior leaders in our claims division. As I fielded questions at the end of the talk I was reminded about the need to choose my words carefully. If anyone should be aware of this it should be the guy who teaches influence for a living! Having said that, we can all slip at times and I’m no exception.

During the presentation, I shared about a particular application of the principle of reciprocity. This principle of influence alerts us to the reality that people feel obligated to give back to those who first give to them. The particular application I shared that day had to do with concessions. That is, when we concede a little by taking a step to the middle, quite often people feel obligated to take a step towards the middle in response to our first move.

As I spoke about this I shared a story from Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., that shows how powerful concessions can be. Dr. Cialdini had some of his graduate assistants spread out across the campus of Arizona State University to randomly ask people this question:

“Hi, I’m from the juvenile county detention center and we’re looking for people who would be willing to chaperon a group of juvenile delinquents on a day trip to the zoo. Would you be willing to volunteer?”

As you might imagine, spending a day at the zoo with juvenile delinquents didn’t sound appealing so not too many people offered up their time. In fact, only 17% agreed to be chaperons.

At a later time, to test the theory of concessions the graduate assistants started with a much bigger request then retreated to a smaller request upon hearing no. It went something like this:

“Hi, I’m from the juvenile county detention center and we’re looking for people who would be willing to be a big brother or big sister for some juvenile delinquents. Generally we like people to commit a few hours every weekend and we ask that people sign up for two years. Would you be willing to be a big brother or big sister?”

As you might imagine, nobody said yes because that’s a huge commitment but as soon as that offer was rejected the graduate assistants retreated to a smaller request, the one they’d asked people days before:

“If you can’t do that, would you be willing to be a chaperon on a day trip to the zoo for some kids in need?”

The response in that case was a 50% volunteer rate. That’s triple the initial request even though it was the same time commitment – one day at the zoo!

You might not have caught the subtlety in how I shared that second request but someone from our legal department pointed out that the second request for the day trip to the zoo wasn’t exactly like the first request because dealing with “juvenile delinquents” is different than helping some “kids in need.” It’s probably easier for people to say yes to “kids in need” versus spending all day with “juvenile delinquents.”

It was a good reminder for me about how powerful words are! The reality was both requests were identical in the study but I got lazy when I shared the story that particular day. In the study both requests were to spend a day at the zoo with some juvenile delinquents so it was an apples-to-apples comparison.

This post isn’t so much about the power of reciprocity by way of concessions, as it is to remind us that we need to choose our words carefully because they matter. Frank Luntz, a conservative pollster, brilliantly shows this in his book Words that Work. I highly recommend the book because it will open your eyes to scripting used by political parties. For example:

  • Taxes. If you’re against taxing inheritances passed down to family members you’ll talk about the “death tax” but those in favor of taxing inheritances will refer to it as the “estate tax.” Each description conjures up very different images and feelings.
  • Immigration. If you’re for opening up immigration you might refer to people already here as “undocumented workers” but those against it call these same people “illegal aliens.” Again, each word choice creates very different mental pictures and feelings.

These are just two examples of how word choice describing the same thing can make a very big difference in people’s perception of the issues. Remember, what you say and how you say it can make all the difference when it comes to hearing “Yes” or “No.”

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

No Battle Plan Survives Contact With The Enemy

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There’s a saying in the military that’s attributed to Helmuth von Moltke, a German Field Marshall in the 1800s – “No battle plan survives contact with the enemy.” Why plan for battle then?

The late Bill Walsh, the Hall of Fame head football coach of the San Francisco 49ers, was known for scripting out the first 15 plays his offense would run to start the game. Quite often the script was out the window depending on what happened during the first few downs of the game. Why prepare a script then?

In many martial arts, practitioners go through forms or katas that simulate fight sequences against multiple opponents. It’s highly unlikely that any fight ever unfolded as laid out in a kata. Why
practice the sequences then?

In each case it seems as if the best preparation is a gamble, a potential waste of time and effort, so why go through the motions? Because there’s value in planning beyond the plan. Things may not unfold as planned but soldiers, athletes, and martial artists are more prepared for different eventualities than if they never trained or planned.

How confident would you be in your country’s ability to defend your homeland if they didn’t train and plan? How confident would you be about victory if your favorite sports team had no game plan? How confident would a martial artist be if they never thought about and practiced defending against multiple opponents only to find themselves facing several attackers?

The same thought process applies in persuasion. Many of the concepts I teach in the two-day Principles of Persuasion Workshop® take time and preparation. You see, being an effective persuader isn’t about being a silver-tonged devil in the moment any more than success on the battlefield is just about weapons, or being a good athlete on the football field, or kicking high in martial arts. All of those things are helpful but the best in each field succeed because they prepare and train.

So, what does preparation look like in persuasion? It starts with learning the science of influence. With more than 60 years of research in this field we can turn to studies that clearly tell us which principles of influence to use and when. This understanding will lead to more consistent success than relying on someone’s good advice, what worked for a friend, or your best hunch.

Another way preparation leads to success comes with homework; learning as much as you can about the person you’re trying to persuade. The more you know about someone before you meet with them the easier the persuasion process will be for a couple of reasons.

You can invoke the principle of liking by connecting on what you have in common or offering up genuine compliments. Scanning Facebook, reviewing a LinkedIn profile, or a quick Google search might be all it takes to find the commonalities or things to genuinely compliment.

To effectively utilize the principle of consistency you want to tie your request to what someone has said or done in the past, what they believe, their values, attitudes, etc., because people like to remain consistent in those areas. Again, many of these can be uncovered simply by doing a little research in advance of your meeting.

Will your next attempt at persuasion go as planned? Probably not. Will you be better off having done some planning and preparation? Almost assuredly!

So, here’s my advice – next time you have something important you want someone to say “Yes” to do a little homework beforehand and then allow yourself to see the situation unfold in your mind’s eye in different ways. These seemingly small things could have a big impact on the outcome.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

7 Personal Observations about Success

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This week (April 1), I crossed the half-century mark of life. It doesn’t seem possible because some memories from long ago – growing up, high school, college, dating Jane – are so vivid. And that includes being at my dad’s 50th birthday party! As I pause and reflect, I’m thankful and hopeful. I’m thankful for the life I’ve led and that I’ve made it this far. Many wonderful people don’t get this many years on earth. I’m hopeful for many more years and to be able to enjoy them in good health.

As this day has been approaching, I’ve looked back on my life and would like to share a few things I believe may help you be more successful in your life. I realize success can be defined many different ways so I’ll tell you mine. It’s based on the mission statement I wrote more than 25 years ago.

When my days on earth are finished and I stand in front of the Lord I hope He will say, “Well done.” Success for me will be defined by placing Him first, loving my family, making my work place better in a productive and personal sense and staying true to who I am. The following are things I believe have helped me live a life in which I can look back and say I’m happy, content and would not trade my life with anyone, for anything.

  1. Love God. I’ve had experiences in life that let me know in my deepest soul that there is a God. My love for Him and living as He would desire is far from perfect. But, I’ve come to realize He doesn’t love me any more when I succeed or any less because I make mistakes. That made more sense to me after Abigail came along. I would not love her more because she did certain things nor would I love her less if she did things I disagreed with. I love her, period. So it is with God and that frees me to be who I am, accept myself – the good, the bad and all that’s in between – and enjoy who I am.
  1. Place others ahead of yourself. When it comes to family, the more you can put them ahead of yourself the happier you will be. I don’t believe we do this in some sort of self-denial, “woe is me” way. You do this because when you truly love someone, you want the best for them. It brings me joy to be able to give to Jane and Abigail. When you see the giving as your reward, you realize your capacity to love is unlimited! We’re to love all people and that’s tougher because it doesn’t come as naturally but I do find more joy when I truly care for and give to others.
  1. Choose your thoughts. When it comes to family and others, what we choose to focus on makes a tremendous difference. There is good and bad in everyone and everything. The good new is, humans can choose where to place their thoughts. Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning, written about his experiences in surviving the Holocaust, drove this home for me. Recognizing this means I can choose not to focus on the bad and fix my thoughts on the good instead. The more I do this, the easier it is to like other people. When they sense I genuinely like them they begin to respond in kind and everyone is better off.
  1. Love what you do. I know it sounds clichéd, but it’s true. When you love what you do your reward comes daily. When I think back to my bodybuilding, marathon running and taekwondo days, one thing in common with each was that I loved training. The goals of a bodybuilding contest, running a marathon or a black belt test were just reasons to train harder. But I realize it was easy because I wasn’t training for the prize, I was training because I loved what I was doing and those goals helped me get even more out of something that already brought me so much satisfaction.
  1. A little bit over a long period. Steven Covey talked about the law of the land; that you can’t plant a crop and expect it to grow in a day. That natural process cannot be circumvented. So it is with most things in life in which we want to succeed. I learned early on with weightlifting that diligent effort over a long time paid dividends. I saw that with my studies in college and I see it today with my approach to Influence PEOPLE. Success rarely happens overnight. Muhammad Ali said as much; “The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.” If you love what you do it makes the process more bearable.
  1. Work hard. Nothing comes easy and loving what you do and doing it for a long time won’t cut it if you don’t give it your all. There’s simply no substitute for hard work. Going to the gym, dojo, hitting the road, or studying, all require real effort. I never aspired to be “the best” because I knew what my time and physical limitations were. Within the parameters I set, I aspired to be “the best I could be” and most of the time I felt accomplished that.
  1. Cut yourself some slack. There will come a day when our time is up. Don’t use up precious time and energy living in regret or beating yourself up for not being more than you are. You’re not perfect and never will be. If you happen to attain the highest heights and are considered “the best” at what you do it’s likely to be short lived. Just look at sports champions. The more you can accept yourself – short comings and all – the more you’ll be able to accept others and that leads to healthy relationships.

These are just a few thoughts on what I believe has helped me get where I am today. I’m happy and content. I realize many people cannot say either, let alone both. I hope what I’ve shared gives you pause for thought and perhaps helps you move closer to happiness and contentment.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.




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