Tag Archive for: reciprocity

The Best Way to Ensure We All Get Along

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I’m a big social media user. I particularly
enjoy Facebook because in my opinion it’s more personal than all of the other
social media sites I use. I like that I can get to know people in a much more
intimate way and that they can get to know me, too, because I’m the same guy on
Facebook that you’d encounter if we sat down to share a beer or had coffee
together.
While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed
not too long ago, I came across a picture and quote from the rap artist
Eminem.
In case you had a hard time seeing the quote
here it is again, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, straight, bisexual,
gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you’re nice to me I’ll be nice to you. Simple as that.”
From what I gather, Eminem has grown immensely
as an individual. Having seen a segment on 60
Minutes about Eminem years ago, I believe that’s partly due to him becoming
a father. The intent behind his message is good – Accept me and I’ll accept
you in return. The world would be a much better place if we saw that in practice more
often.
However, you and I, Eminem, and every other
person, can be more proactive to make this mutual acceptance and respect become
reality. You see, according to what Eminem said, he is waiting for others to
treat him nicely, then he’ll do the same to them. In other words, he will
reciprocate their kindness. Eminem is responding to the principle of
reciprocity by giving back what he receives first. Most people live by this
principle of influence. If someone respects them they will respect the other
person. If someone is kind to them they will be kind in return.
A more effective approach to ensure we all get
along would be becoming an influence of change by being the first person to
act. In doing so, you engage the principle of reciprocity and others will feel some obligation
to treat you the same way. How much better would everyone be if Eminem and
other prominent people went out of their way to be kind first, to show respect
first, and to help first?
What about you? How might your family,
workplace and life be better if you were the first one to willingly give what
you’d like from others?
Imagine for a moment that you have a fractured
relationship. You believe the other person is at fault and they believe you’re
at fault. Usually the truth is somewhere in between and each person bears some
responsibility. What would happen if you stepped to the middle first and said,
“Regardless of what happened, I should not have said (or done) X. I want you to
know I’m sorry.” It’s very likely the other person will soften his/her position,
would fess up to some wrongdoing, and apologize in response to your first move.
The relationship may still be somewhat fractured but it’s on the mend and at
least has a chance of going forward.
Perhaps you want respect from coworkers. The
big question would be; do you give them respect? If not, start going out of
your way to do so, then see how they respond. Whatever it is you want from others,
be the first to give because it engages reciprocity and you’re likely to get
the same in return.
The principle of liking can help build or
strengthen relationships and so can reciprocity when it’s engaged sincerely. It
might require swallowing some pride from time to time, taking the first step to
say, “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry,” it could entail letting go of anger,
resentment or hurt. But in the long run you’ll be better off letting go of
those things and probably much happier restoring relationships and getting what
you desire in return – kindness, respect, love, and so on. What’s holding you
back from taking the first step?
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

A Better America for Ferguson and All Americans

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By now everyone in the nation and most people around the world have heard about Ferguson, Mo. The death of Michael Brown and the grand jury decision not to indict officer Darren Wilson touched off protests that quickly turned into violent riots. Whether or not officer Wilson was justified in shooting Michael Brown, one thing is certain, the events of that day and the grand jury decision blew the lid off of racial tensions that have been simmering for decades.

Unfortunately for those who want to see real societal change when it comes to race, their efforts have only been set back by the riots, violence and looting that have occurred in the aftermath in Ferguson. It’s unfortunate because those who committed the acts, predominantly teens and young adults, probably don’t care about change as much as they did an opportunity to cause mayhem and steal.

When significant change took place regarding race in this country a few notable things occurred. First, in the 1960s, Americans were horrified at the treatment of blacks in the South as they watched the news and saw non-violent protestors attacked by police dogs and sprayed with fire hoses. The key was the protests were non-violent and the people didn’t deserve that kind of treatment and it repulsed most Americans.

A second, and more powerful change agent was the leader of the civil rights movement, Dr. Martin Luther King. Dr. King had a vision and a strategy that moved people to action that couldn’t be ignored. And like Mahatma Gandhi, he knew non-violence was the key.

Those two things are needed today for real change to take place. African Americans need the entire country to see the mistreatment that routinely takes place and to understand how their opportunities are much more limited than most Americans because of racial bias.

Most importantly they need a leader who can rally them as Dr. King did. Without a respected leader their movement will fail. Despite using social media to rally people, the March on Wall Street and We are the 99% movements ultimately failed because of lack of leadership. Couple that with the reality that news cycles are so much faster and people quickly forget the latest “big” story. Think about it for a moment; when was the last time you heard about the March on Wall Street or the We are the 99% movements? I can’t think of the last time either was in the news. More importantly, did any substantive change take place? No.

My personal opinion is current leaders such as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can’t fill the leadership role because of their contentious pasts and current public perception. Even President Barack Obama will be too polarizing to lead this cause when he leaves the White House, in my opinion.

Someone who I believe could fill that role is former General Colin Powell. He has the admiration of all Americans because of his long service to our country and his conduct as an individual. He knows how to lead, strategize, compromise, and deal with the media. He commands the kind of respect that makes people in this nation and around the world listen.

And let’s not fool ourselves into thinking the violence is only a black issue. A brief scan of history will show other groups have been involved in violent protests. For example, in New York City, the Irish (my ancestors) rioted during the Civil War when the draft was instituted. They didn’t want to go to war to free the slaves and felt the influx of blacks moving to the North would hurt their employment opportunities. One hundred people died during the New York riots. Another example comes by way of sports where we see people of all color celebrating then rioting in the streets after their teams win National Championships, World Series and Super Bowls.

But Ferguson was different because the violence we witnessed not only hurt the cause in Ferguson, it hurt the community and ultimately its citizens. Looting, damaging and destroying local businesses will put many in the community out of business for good and some jobs will be permanently lost. In an area with high unemployment they simply can’t afford that.

So, what are some influence tips to bring about change? Here are a few quick thoughts.

Rather than focus on differences, African Americans could focus on what they have in common with the rest of the nation, which is an application of the principle of liking. They need to talk about how they are mothers and fathers like many of you reading this. They’re also sons and daughters. They must remind America they want the same thing we all do – a chance at the American Dream. This should be the norm, not the exception in their communities.

Look for ways to give instead of just asking for change. By giving you engage reciprocity and people will be more inclined to give when you ask. Perform acts of kindness, volunteer in the community and encourage people to go out of their way to help others, especially those who are difference. Kindness is hard to ignore.

A strong leader like Colin Powell would engage the principle of authority because he possesses both expertise and trustworthiness when it comes to leading. Neither Al Sharpton nor Jesse Jackson has the trust of enough Americans to qualify to lead at this time.

The cause has to be bigger that just African Americans. According to U.S. Census statistics, African Americans make up slightly less than 13% of the population. Hispanics and Latinos are more than 16%. Together 30% of the population can’t be ignored. By focusing on change for all minorities and reaching out to sympathetic whites they can engage consensus. The more the average American sees the groundswell of support, similar to what’s happened with gay marriage, the more will get onboard.

Consistency is engaged by reminding all of us about the truths we hold to be self-evident in The Declaration of Independence; that all people are created equal and deserve equal opportunities. By pointing out where the system fails in this regard, it reminds us of our duty as Americans to make this a reality for all people.

The last principle to engage is scarcity. What does this country stand to lose by not affording more opportunities and fair treatment for all? We’re a nation of immigrants. Without people of all races, both genders and each nationality, we would not be the great country we are. If we limit those opportunities we limit ourselves.

Let me conclude with this. A big part of my desire to use this forum for this message comes from the fact that my best friend for nearly 40 years is African America. Russell Barrow was my best man when I got married and again when I renewed my wedding vows. You would be hard pressed to meet a nicer, more caring, giving individual than Russell. My daughter Abigail has always called him “Uncle Russell.” I’ve heard his stories of dealing with racism and seen some firsthand. In addition to Russell, I’ve had the opportunity to befriend many other African Americans through work. They’re wonderful people! For them, their families and future generations I want to see a better America and that won’t come about without change.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Free is Great Except When We Don’t Want What’s Being Offered

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Normally people go nuts for free stuff. It
seems like ads touting “Buy one get one free,” or “25% more for free” cause
shoppers to almost salivate. I bet you’ve been places where things were being
given away for free and you found yourself taking items (pens, card holders,
travel mugs, post it notes, etc.) that ended up in the trashcan within weeks of
getting home. And still, we take the goods because they’re free. After all, you
can’t loose by taking advantage of free…or can you?
Have you ever ordered something on Amazon for
less than $25 then found yourself ordering another book or item just to bump
you over the threshold in order to take advantage of the free shipping? I bet
you have and you probably ended up spending $33-$38 in total. Sure, you
convinced yourself you needed that extra book or CD but in reality you would
not have purchased it were it not for the enticement of the free shipping.
Dan Ariely highlights our obsession with “free”
things in his book Predictably Irrational
in a chapter he calls “The Cost of Zero Cost: Why We Often Pay Too Much When We
Pay Nothing.” He convincingly shows readers sometimes they end up worse off
because of free.
The obsession with free has its limits and
this came to light recently with Apple’s promotion with the Irish rock band U2.
It seemed innocent enough, and generous of Apple and U2, to have the band’s
latest album, Songs of Innocence,
automatically added to the iTunes library of some 500 million people.
Unfortunately for both, many subscribers didn’t appreciate the free album and
voiced their opinion rather loudly on social media. In fact, there was an
article titled Free U2 album: How the most
generous giveaway in music history turned PR disaster. Ouch!
I think what was missed by Apple and U2 in
their well-intentioned giveaway was this – free isn’t really free if it’s not
freely chosen. While there may have been no purchase cost for the album, people
lost their freedom to choose whether or not they wanted to add it to their
libraries. In other words, forced isn’t free no matter how good the intention.
What should they have done instead? In my
opinion offering the album for free for a limited time would have enticed many
people to take advantage of the giveaway. Think about it; U2 is an iconic band
that’s done a lot of good for people across the globe through charitable work
that could only have come about because of their fans. They could have
positioned the opportunity for the free album as their way of saying thanks. I’m
sure each band member is probably set for life financially so they don’t need
the money and could have really made a splash.
By putting a timeframe on it they would have
engaged the principle scarcity, which would have caused many people to want the album even
more and act quickly. This is important because when things are free and
abundant we usually don’t value them nearly as much as when they are restricted
in some way. Think about air and water. Without air we die within minutes and
without water we won’t survive for very long either. There may not be two
things more necessary for life and yet they are an afterthought for most
people…until they’re in short supply. When that happens we’d pay more for
either than just about anything else in the world because our lives might be at
stake.
I don’t think Apple or U2 deserved the intense
backlash they got but let it be a lesson to all of us – no matter how beloved
we, our company, our products/services, may be, never infringe on people’s
freedom to choose. Understanding that and correctly positioning a gift could
make all the difference in how it’s received and how we’re perceived.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Customer Service Done Wrong, Then Right

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As amazing as it is to me and to my wife,
Jane, our little girl Abigail started college this year. In preparation for the
big event we did what many parents do – we took her out to buy a new laptop.
Despite my love for Apple products Abigail didn’t want a MacBook so we headed
to Best Buy in search of the right machine for her.
With the help of a friend of Abigail’s who
worked at Best Buy, we found the right laptop and the whole buying experience
was a good one. Unfortunately things changed just over a month later.
One night I asked Abigail how her laptop was
working she said it was slow and ads kept popping up. I ran the antivirus
software and it seemed to do the job except after rebooting, the laptop froze.
Despite all of my attempts and research online I could not get the laptop
working again so we decided to head back to Best Buy the next day to see if
they could help.
The same young man who sold us the machine was
working so I explained the issue. He tried several times to reboot the laptop
but to no avail. He said we probably needed a new laptop but he’d have to talk
to his manager first.
He came back and said because we were out for
the 30-day warranty period (it was 42 days) the manager was willing to give us
a new laptop if we would buy the one-year Geek Squad protection package. I had
declined that option when we bought the original laptop because generally warranties
like that never get used and are extremely overpriced.
The offered bothered me for several reasons.
First, it was the most expensive laptop in the store so 30-day warranty or not,
it shouldn’t stop working after just 40 days. Second, and more importantly, was
the fact that I’ve shopped at that particular Best Buy for more than a dozen
years buying televisions, PCs, laptops and other electronic items. With that in
mind here was my reply:
“So what you’re telling me is I have to pay
$200 for the new laptop. Tell your manager I’m willing to do it but here’s the
deal; I’ll never shop here again. Let him know I’ve bought several televisions,
PCs, laptops and other things over the years but I will never buy another thing
from Best Buy again. So if that’s acceptable then we have a deal.”
In case you didn’t realize it, I was using the
principle
of scarcity by letting them know what they stood to lose if they didn’t
remove the $200 Geek Squad stipulation. I wanted them to think about the
lifetime value of a customer like me.
Soon after I met the manager and he said he’d
looked at my purchase history and saw I’d bought televisions, PCs and much more
at the store. He said I was a platinum customer and they usually extend
warranties to 45 days for customers like me. It was BS.
I don’t blame the salesperson because they
have rules that define what they can and cannot do in certain situations. I do
think stores should empower front line salespeople for just such situations and
provide training so they’re confident those employees are making good decisions
for the customer and store.
In this case I think the manager did a poor
job because he ended up giving me some better antivirus software, which was a $50
value. Think about this for a moment; in then end the store paid me $50 to get
the new laptop and I still wasn’t happy. If they’d have handled the situation
differently they could have made it a very pleasant experience and had me
singing their praises. Here’s what they should have done:
First, review my purchase history. Once they
saw my history they should have assumed I would probably continue buying more
items because my disposable income is increasing as I get older.
Next, the manager should have said, “Mr.
Ahearn, I see you’ve shopped with us for more than a dozen years and purchased
several televisions, PCs and other electronic items. Normally we’re pretty firm
about the 30-day warranty but because of your loyalty we’re happy to make an exception
for you in this case.”
Last, to seal the deal he could have delighted
me in an unexpected way. “Mr. Ahearn, I’d like to do something extra for you so
there’s no chance of you experiencing this issue again. I’m going to give you a
year of antivirus protection, a $50 value, for free. How does that sound?”
Had he done what I suggested, he’d have used
several principles of influence and made me happy about the whole experience.
Doing something for me that’s not normally done for every customer – extending
the warranty to 45 days – would have been an application of scarcity which
would have made me value the deal even more. Throwing in the antivirus software
would have engaged reciprocity,
making me want to shop there more. Reciprocity would have been strengthened
because giving me the antivirus software was meaningful ($50 value), customized
(specific to the issue we ran into) and unexpected (we’d have been happy with
just getting a new laptop).
If you’re in sales here are a few takeaways.
  • Research your customer’s buying history before
    making any offers.
  • Consider the lifetime value of a customer.
  • When you’re making an exception, let the
    customer know it so they feel like they’re getting special treatment.
  • If you want to sweeten the deal, do so in a
    way that highlights why your extra step is good for the customer.
  • Lastly, consider the most effective ways to
    use the principles of influence when interacting with customers.

 

Follow these simple steps and you’ll delight
customers rather than make them feel they have to battle with you in order to
get you to do the right thing.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Bribes, Rewards or Gifts – Which is Best?

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One Saturday morning, after a run and workout, I looked forward to a bagel and an egg over easy for breakfast. As I settled in with my meal and flipped through the news channels, something on the news caught my eye. It was a story on parenting.

One mom talked about “bribing” her kids. She told her teenage daughter she’d take her to Disney World if she got all As on her next report card. Another parent said no way would he bribe his kids to do chores or get good grades. The last parent said she uses both techniques at different times.

Obviously, none of the parents understood much about what social psychology has to say about influencing behavior. The rewards the parents were offering (there were more examples than just Disney World) work to some degree. That’s why so many businesses use rewards to motivate behavior. However, studies show quite often that engaging the principle of reciprocity can be more effective and cost a lot less.

One study I share during my workshops has to do with a health insurance company wanting to see if they could get a better response from owners of construction companies on their health questionnaire. With one group of business owners they offered a $50 reward for completing the questionnaire. With the rest of the business owners they sent a $5 check acknowledging their time was valuable and they appreciated them taking time to complete the questionnaire.

And what were the results? You’d think the $50 offer being 10 times more would definitely get a better response but it didn’t. Only 23% of those offered the big reward filled out the questionnaire but 52% who were given the $5 gift up front complied with the request. So, the response was more than twice as much in the gift scenario and there was a huge savings depending on exactly how many people cashed the $5 check. If every person, including those who didn’t fill out the questionnaire, cashed the check, the savings would be 57%. If only those who completed the questionnaire cashed the check the health company would have saved 77%! No matter how you look at it, more than doubling the response at a substantial savings is the smart business decision.

Sometimes giving something small up front engages reciprocity and the other person feels it’s only right to repay the favor. Here’s a personal example with my daughter, Abigail. When she was about 15 she was a typical teenage girl. She didn’t want to do things that were physically hard and would make her sweat … like cutting the grass. I was going to be traveling and knew I’d need her help with the lawn while I was away. I also knew if I tried to negotiate I’d lose. Had I said, “Abigail, I’ll give you a $10 a week raise in your allowance if you’ll cut the grass when I need it,” she would have said, “No thanks dad, I don’t like money that much.” Then I would have either had to significantly increase my offer or pull the parent card and force her to cut the grass. Neither approach would have been good because she would resent me or make me a lot poorer.

What I did instead was give her the $10 raise without asking for anything in return. When she asked why I was giving her the raise I told her reasons I believe she’d legitimately earned it. About a week later I was going on a trip and asked if she would cut the grass. Initially she hesitated and gave me a look but before we got any further I said, “Come on Abigail, I gave you a raise in your allowance and didn’t ask for anything. Can’t you help me out?” She said she’d cut the grass and has ever since – without arguing – whenever I’ve needed her help. And here’s the best part – for Christmas last year one of my gifts was a card with grass cutting coupons…and I don’t even give her an allowance anymore!

As noted earlier, rewards do change behavior and that’s why they’re so prevalent in business. However, much of the time we can get the behavior change we want and spend a lot less by ethically and correctly engaging reciprocity.

APPLICATION: This week take a look at instances in which you reward people for behavior and see if you can engage reciprocity instead by freely giving up front. Then, next time you need a favor just ask for their help. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many say “Yes” and that it cost you a lot less.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Make Requests Like a Persuasion Expert

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Persuasion is all about moving people to action. Aristotle defined it as “the art of getting someone to do something they would not ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.” The bottom line when  it comes to persuasion is getting someone to do something. How we communicate can make all the difference between a “Yes” or “No” response.

Most of the time people are directive, telling instead of asking, when they want something. For example:

  • Clean your room.
  • Fax me the authorization form.
  • Get me the sales numbers.

Each request is direct and to the point. The communication may be clear but unfortunately people don’t like to be told what to do. And none of the statements above requires a response, which means the recipient of the message might hear what’s being said but think to himself or herself, “No” without ever having to say it.

Each of us makes requests of people daily, and the science of influence tells us with certainty there are better ways to structure our communication if we want to hear “Yes” more often. If you want to make a request like a persuasion expert follow this simple formula:

R = W + T + B + R + D

Request = What + Timeframe + Because + Reason + Downside

Here’s an example using the formula: Would you get me the authorization form by this afternoon because without it I can’t proceed any further on your claim, which will delay your payment by several more days?

A number of persuasive techniques are used in the example above so let’s dissect each part.

“Would you” – Adding these two words turns the statement into a question and engages the principle of consistency. A question like this demands a response and once someone says “Yes,” the likelihood they’ll do what you want has gone up significantly.

“by this afternoon” – These three words ensure you’ll get what you want within a timeframe that’s acceptable to you instead of being left to chance. If someone says they can’t get it within the allotted time you can engage reciprocity. Immediately upon hearing no, if you put out a new timeframe (i.e., How about by tomorrow afternoon?) your odds of hearing “Yes” have just gone up because most people are willing to meet us part way after we’ve first conceded a little bit.

“because” – One study showed a 50% increase in “yes” responses when a request was tagged with “because” and a reason was given. This even worked when the reason was bogus! We’re conditioned from childhood to almost mindlessly do what we’re told when “because” is used. Do you remember your parents ever saying, “Because I said so!” in response to your asking why you had to do something? We’ve all been there and maybe you’ve used that phrase yourself.

“I can’t proceed any further on your claim, which will delay your payment” – This invokes the principle of scarcity. People are much more motivated by the thought of losing something as opposed to gaining the same thing. In this instance the person knows they won’t be paid until they’ve done what’s being asked. This is much more effective than saying, “As soon as I get it, I’ll proceed on the claim, and you’ll get paid.”

Once more compare the two requests for the same thing:

Fax me the authorization form.

vs.

Would you get me the authorization form by this afternoon
because without it I can’t proceed any further on your claim,
which will delay your payment?

Next time you need something from someone, or you need them to do something remember to structure your request by asking instead of telling. Let them know what you want and when you need it by. Tag your request with “because” and a legitimate reason. Finally, let them know what happens if they don’t do what’s asked…the downside. Follow this simple approach and you’re sure to hear “Yes” more often.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Hear “Yes”.

Influencers from Around the World – A Short Course in Human Relations

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This month our Influencers from Around the World guest post comes from someone who is familiar to long-time readers of Influence PEOPLE – Anthony McLean. Anthony is Australia’s one and only Cialdini Method Certified Trainer (CMCT®). He heads up the Social Consulting Group where he teaches people about the principles of influence. I encourage you to reach out to Anthony on LinkedIn and Twitter to learn more from him.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
 
 
A Short Course in Human Relations
A past participant of the
Principles of Persuasion Workshop sent me the important message below. His name
is Peter, and he pointed out “There’s
plenty of ‘POP’ in this.” Of course
he was right.
Let’s break it down one line at a
time and let me show you why there is so much of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s
Principles of Persuasion in this short piece.
The six
most important words – I admit that I was wrong.
In the Principles of Persuasion Workshop we teach the Principle of
Authority which says we look to those with extra knowledge or
wisdom on a topic to guide our thinking when we are not sure what we should do.
As part of being an Authority you must be seen as credible and one of the most
important elements to being credible is being trustworthy. If I was to try to take
advantage of you, I would never admit a mistake, let you know I got something
wrong or was lacking in some area of my product or service. But an Authority never hides from weaknesses. They
admit when they are wrong. Why? Because they know how to make it better. So remember,
it’s a mistake to hide a mistake. Admit it, and admit it quickly, then set
about explaining how you intend to make it right. If you don’t, one of your
competitors will highlight it and then your credibility is gone.
The Five
most important words – You did a great job.
Everybody likes to be told they
have done a great job. These five simple words go a long way to triggering the Principle of Liking. Praise is something
that when given genuinely and selectively is a truly valuable tool in building,
repairing and maintaining relationships with others. Therefore don’t throw
praise around all of the time so it becomes common and of little substance. Give
your praise when it is deserved, make it specific and give it genuinely. If at
work delivering praise directly is inappropriate consider influencing the
influencers and deliver the praise indirectly to the person’s boss, colleague
or friends and allow them to deliver the message for you.
The four
most important words – What do you think?
On the face of it you may ask, how
does this question relate to persuasion? The answer is, all too often people
make statements but they don’t ask questions. Firstly this is poor form because
it is more aligned to ordering rather than engaging and, secondly, when you
make statements you remove one very important element from the interaction –
the ability of someone to commit to something. The Principle of Consistency says we encounter
personal and interpersonal pressure to remain consistent with previous
commitments or decisions we have made. If you ask me a question and allow me to
answer, it provides me the opportunity to make a commitment; publicly voicing
my ideas and actively committing toward a course of action. In your next
meeting, think about the questions you ask. Craft well-constructed questions
and give others the opportunity to answer them. Telling someone what to do or
making statements does nothing to engage their intrinsic motivators to drive
the situation forward.
The three
most important words – Could you please…
This line is an interesting one,
firstly because the Principle of Reciprocity says we are obliged to
give back to those who have given to us first. A nuance to the principle is, if
you are struggling to build a relationship with someone, ask him or her to do
you a favor. In doing so they need to have a shift in thinking because we don’t
do things for people we don’t like.  Therefore
by asking them to do you a favor moves them in your direction ever so slightly and
allows for a relationship to commence.
The second point I would make is
to refine the statement. “Could you” and “Can you” are permission statements.
They seek to gain permission or acknowledgement. The problem is if I say to my eight-year-old
son, “Could you clean up your room?” and he says, “Yes,” is he actually
committing to clean his room or is he just saying, “Yes I can, but no I won’t.”?
Therefore in seeking to gain a
commitment to trigger the Principle of Consistency. ask people active questions
that gain a commitment such as “Will you…” then wait for the answer.
The two
most important words – Thank you.
Thanking someone is not only
polite, it’s an important element in building and maintaining healthy
relationships. Therefore when someone does something that you appreciate be
sure to tell them and acknowledge their contributions. Doing so invests in the
relationship and can trigger the Principle of Reciprocity.
The other thing is when someone
thanks you for something you have done you must learn to accept genuine thanks
differently. If someone delivers a heartfelt thank you and you say “no problem”
or “I would have done it for anyone” you are devaluing the relationship. You
are in effect saying, “You are not that important to me and neither is this
relationship.”
Therefore, from now on listen for
genuine thanks from others and recognise it as an opportunity to acknowledge
the relationship you have and highlight that it is not over. Anything you say
will be better than “no problem,” but you must do a better job of accepting
thanks when it is genuinely given.
The most
important word – We.
The fastest and easiest way to
describe a relationship is through the pronoun “we.” It highlights you are
working together and you have things in common. Listen to when people use “we”
in a conversation and they may just tell you when they start to see you are in
a functional, working relationship with them, all through the use of the word
“we.”
One word of warning though; don’t
use “we” too early in a relationship or with someone you have just met to
describe the two of you – it can come off as not genuine and a tactic rather
than a true reflection of your relationship with the person. Let the
relationship build and use “we” when appropriate to do so.
The least
important word – I.
The biggest mistake I see when
reviewing emails, copy and websites for clients is the text is all about the
persuader and not about the person or group they are seeking to persuade. A
very simple test is to do a word search and see how many times you use “I” as
opposed to the other person’s name or even the words you, your or yours. If you
talk about yourself more than the other person or group of people you have
missed the mark.
The other thing is they should
always appear in your email before you do. I am not talking about their name in
the greeting but in the first line. If you start off with,

Hi Brian,

I want to
write you about the new product I am bringing to the market….

This is wrong – it’s all about
you. Instead put them and their needs first. Such as:

Hi Brian,

It was
great to have met you at the conference and to listen to your thoughts on the
new policy change impacting our organisation. You may be interested in a new
product we are launching. Based on your comments I think it will help you…..

Therefore for a bunch of short
sentences I will paraphrase my friend Peter and say, “There is a lot of POP in
them!”

 

Anthony McLean, CMCT

Choose Your Words Carefully Because They Matter

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This summer was a whirlwind! After an unusually heavy amount of travel in the first half of the year. I was looking forward to no airports or hotels until I began making the rounds for fall sales training. All of that changed when I made it known to the head of State Auto’s claims division that I was available if he needed my help. To be honest, I
thought he might invite me to sit in on a few meetings in our home office and share my expertise in influence. Instead he asked if I would travel to each of our claims offices to give an overview of persuasion to all of our claim reps.

Six cities and two-dozen sessions later I concluded with a presentation to the senior leaders in our claims division. As I fielded questions at the end of the talk I was reminded about the need to choose my words carefully. If anyone should be aware of this it should be the guy who teaches influence for a living! Having said that, we can all slip at times and I’m no exception.

During the presentation, I shared about a particular application of the principle of reciprocity. This principle of influence alerts us to the reality that people feel obligated to give back to those who first give to them. The particular application I shared that day had to do with concessions. That is, when we concede a little by taking a step to the middle, quite often people feel obligated to take a step towards the middle in response to our first move.

As I spoke about this I shared a story from Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., that shows how powerful concessions can be. Dr. Cialdini had some of his graduate assistants spread out across the campus of Arizona State University to randomly ask people this question:

“Hi, I’m from the juvenile county detention center and we’re looking for people who would be willing to chaperon a group of juvenile delinquents on a day trip to the zoo. Would you be willing to volunteer?”

As you might imagine, spending a day at the zoo with juvenile delinquents didn’t sound appealing so not too many people offered up their time. In fact, only 17% agreed to be chaperons.

At a later time, to test the theory of concessions the graduate assistants started with a much bigger request then retreated to a smaller request upon hearing no. It went something like this:

“Hi, I’m from the juvenile county detention center and we’re looking for people who would be willing to be a big brother or big sister for some juvenile delinquents. Generally we like people to commit a few hours every weekend and we ask that people sign up for two years. Would you be willing to be a big brother or big sister?”

As you might imagine, nobody said yes because that’s a huge commitment but as soon as that offer was rejected the graduate assistants retreated to a smaller request, the one they’d asked people days before:

“If you can’t do that, would you be willing to be a chaperon on a day trip to the zoo for some kids in need?”

The response in that case was a 50% volunteer rate. That’s triple the initial request even though it was the same time commitment – one day at the zoo!

You might not have caught the subtlety in how I shared that second request but someone from our legal department pointed out that the second request for the day trip to the zoo wasn’t exactly like the first request because dealing with “juvenile delinquents” is different than helping some “kids in need.” It’s probably easier for people to say yes to “kids in need” versus spending all day with “juvenile delinquents.”

It was a good reminder for me about how powerful words are! The reality was both requests were identical in the study but I got lazy when I shared the story that particular day. In the study both requests were to spend a day at the zoo with some juvenile delinquents so it was an apples-to-apples comparison.

This post isn’t so much about the power of reciprocity by way of concessions, as it is to remind us that we need to choose our words carefully because they matter. Frank Luntz, a conservative pollster, brilliantly shows this in his book Words that Work. I highly recommend the book because it will open your eyes to scripting used by political parties. For example:

  • Taxes. If you’re against taxing inheritances passed down to family members you’ll talk about the “death tax” but those in favor of taxing inheritances will refer to it as the “estate tax.” Each description conjures up very different images and feelings.
  • Immigration. If you’re for opening up immigration you might refer to people already here as “undocumented workers” but those against it call these same people “illegal aliens.” Again, each word choice creates very different mental pictures and feelings.

These are just two examples of how word choice describing the same thing can make a very big difference in people’s perception of the issues. Remember, what you say and how you say it can make all the difference when it comes to hearing “Yes” or “No.”

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

The 7 Most Common Persuasion Mistakes

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When I work with students in the Principles of Persuasion workshop we talk about three kinds of persuasion practitioners: bunglers, smugglers and detectives. Here’s a quick synopsis of each:

Detectives are folks who understand the principles of influence and look for genuine opportunities to use them in order to create a win for themselves as well as the person or people they seek to influence.

Smugglers are individuals who also have some understanding, but they look for shortcuts through manipulation. They find it easier to distort the truth or lie outright in their use of the principles of influence so they can get what they want no matter the cost to others.

Bunglers are people who don’t understand the persuasion process or principles and therefore miss opportunities to be more effective when it comes to persuasion. Or they might intuitively know a few things about the principles but don’t understand how to effectively use them. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people fall into this category, and they make predictable mistakes.In this post we’ll look at some of the most common mistakes people make when trying to persuade others. No offense, but if you find yourself doing these things, you’re bungling away persuasion opportunities.

  1. Validating undesirable behavior

There’s a lot of bad stuff that happens in society. For example, too many kids try cigarettes and cheat in school; far too many people don’t vote; violent behavior seems to be on the rise, etc. When you talk about what many people are doing – consensus – you tend to validate the bad behavior. This can cause more people to do the very thing you’re preaching against! Instead, you want to point out good behavior you want people to emulate.

  1. Highlighting gain instead of loss.

I’ve shared in recent posts about homeowners who, when told about energy saving recommendations, were informed they would either save $180 by implementing the energy saving ideas or that they would lose $180 if they failed to implement the ideas, the latter of which is an application of the principle of scarcity. Everyone I share that study with correctly guesses more people in the “lose” group made the necessary changes. And they’re correct — 150% more people in the lose group chose to incorporate the energy saving ideas. Despite intuitively knowing this, most people still go out and talk about all the things someone will gain, or save, by going with their idea. Perhaps they fear coming across as negative but they’re failing to apply the most persuasive approach, and they won’t hear yes as often.

  1. Confusing contracts with reciprocity.

Reciprocity explains the reality that people feel obligated to return a favor. In other words, if I do something for you, you’ll feel some obligation to want to do something for me in return. An example would be as follows; I’ll do A and I hope you’ll do B in return. This is very different than entering into a contract – I’ll do A IF you’ll do B. Quite often you can engage reciprocity by doing or offering far less and still get the same behavior in return.

  1. Mixing up positional authority with perceived authority.

Believing you’re an authority is far different than other people perceiving you to be an authority. Sometimes others need to know your credentials. When people rely solely on their position to gain compliance it will never be as effective as it could be if they engaged people in the persuasion process by highlighting their credentials. It’s one thing for me to do something because the boss says so versus doing the very same thing because I see the value in doing so because an expert convinced me.

  1. Failing to connect on liking.

Effective persuasion has a lot to do with relationships built on the principle of liking. It’s not always enough that someone likes your product or service. Quite often the difference maker is whether or not they like you. It doesn’t matter if you’re a salesperson, manager or someone else, spending too much time describing ideas, products, services, etc., without getting the other person to like you is going to make persuasion harder. And here’s the gem – make sure you create time to learn a bit about the other person so you come to like them, and you’ll be amazed at the difference it can make!

  1. Telling instead of asking.

Telling someone what to do isn’t nearly as effective as asking because asking engages consistency. This principle tells us people feel internal psychological pressure as well as external social pressure to be consistent in what they say and do. By asking and getting a “Yes” the odds that someone will do what you want increase significantly. In the POP workshop we talk about a restaurant owner who saw no shows fall from 30% to just 10% by having the hostess go from saying, “Please call of you cannot make your reservation” to asking, “Will you please call if you cannot keep your reservation?” The first sentence is a statement but the second is a question that engages consistency.

  1. Failure to give a reason.

When you want someone to do something, giving a reason tagged with “because” can make all the difference. As I’ve share with State Auto claim reps, “Can you get me your medical records?” will not be as effective as “Can you get me your medical records because without them I cannot process your claim and pay you?” This approach was validated in a copier study where 50% more people (93% up from 60%) were willing to let someone go ahead of them in line when the person asking gave them a reason using the word “because.”

Conclusion

So, there you have some of the most common persuasion mistakes. By pointing them out hopefully you’ll change your ways if you’ve made these mistakes before. If you’ve not bungled like this then hopefully, you’ll
avoid these mistakes now that you’re aware of them.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Hear “Yes”.

Every Human Society Teaches Its People This

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Marcel Mauss, the late French Sociologist, wrote a book called The Gift. He asserted that gifts are never truly free because reciprocity dictates that people return the favor by doing something for the gift giver. He went so far as to say every human society raises its people in the way of reciprocity.

I’m on the Westerville Education Foundation (WEF), a non-profit board that raises money for the Westerville schools when budgets fall short or where budgets may not cover certain expenses. I was persuaded to join the board by two State Auto colleagues who had been through my Principles of Persuasion workshop years ago.

A few weeks ago I was manning the WEF booth during a Fourth Friday event, a summer event in which residents pack uptown Westerville for food, drink, and music while vendors display their wares. One way the WEF tries to grab people’s attention is by using a game kids can play and win prizes. While the children play we hand out literature to their moms and dads and quickly tell them what we do.

As I volunteered I couldn’t help but notice something that happened in nearly every instance after a child won a prize. One of the parents would inevitably say to their child, “What do you say?” Upon hearing that every child turned to us and said, “Thank you,” before leaving with their prize.

That simple act was repeated so often it made me think about Marcel Mauss and his belief that every human society teaches its people to respond to the act of giving. The principle of influence known as reciprocity says we feel obligated to give back to those who’ve first given to us. This is where the phrase “much obliged” comes from. It is a simple acknowledgment that once somebody has done something for us we feel obligated to do something for him or her at some point in the future.

As parents teach their children to respond to acts of kindness and gifts with a “thank you” they are conditioning their kids to reciprocate. As the children grow up they learn more sophisticated ways to repay the favor. Eventually acts of kindness are met with thank you letters, thank you cards and return gifts.

The key to utilizing reciprocity is to be the first to act, the first to give. Once you’ve given something to another person the principle is set in motion and they feel somewhat indebted to you. If you wait for someone to do something for you, then you’ll be the one in debt.

You don’t need a budget to ethically engage reciprocity. Simple acts of kindness trigger the principle. When someone feels what you’ve done for them is genuinely in their best interest – as opposed to an act of giving simply to curry a favor – they’ll want to freely reciprocate most of the time.

If you want to become a master persuader then start looking for ways to become a giver. It becomes much easier as you begin to change your thinking from “who can help me?” to “whom can I genuinely help?”

Opportunities to give and help are always abundant so take stock in who you are, your resources, talents, etc., and begin looking for ways to use those to benefit others. Don’t be afraid of losing anything in the process because as the late Zig Ziglar famously told audiences for decades, “You can get everything you want in life if you’ll just help enough other people get what they want.” Zig was 100% correct because the more people you help, the more people will want to help you when you need it.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.