The Self-Love Delusion

A post I read last week urged people to love themselves more. It promised greater confidence, healthier relationships, and a happier life. Judging by the comments, the message struck a chord with readers. In fact, no one challenged any of the assumptions.

I understand why. Many people carry regret, feel inadequate, or struggle to accept aspects of themselves. They deserve compassion and understanding. Still, I wonder whether more self-love is the answer.

If loving yourself were the problem, when Jesus was asked about the greatest command He might have said, “Love yourself with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength because only then can love God and your neighbor. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have.”

But we know He didn’t say that. He told us to start with God, to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Right on the heels of that He said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” The order matters, God then neighbor. Think of it this way: on the airplane He’s the oxygen mask you put on first so you can help others.

“As yourself” acknowledges something familiar: we tend to notice our own needs above other’s needs. We want to be heard, understood, and treated fairly. Jesus asks us to bring that same focus and concern to someone else.

That’s challenging because our attention so easily turns inward. Even when we dislike something about ourselves, we can spend enormous energy thinking about it. Our appearance, mistakes, status, and future can fill the room, leaving little space to notice the person beside us.

I see a parallel in my work teaching influence. The most persuasive people aren’t consumed with how they’re coming across. They pay attention to others. They listen for what matters to the other person and consider how they can genuinely help. Ethical influence begins with that shift in attention, away from self to the other.

None of this means neglecting your health, denying your worth, or accepting mistreatment. Caring for yourself equips you to show up for others. But if self-improvement or self-love becomes an endless project, it can keep your attention fixed on the very person you’re trying to move beyond.

Humility offers another way. It’s not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking about yourself less. The less we focus on ourselves, the more capacity we have to focus on others. What does this person need? What might I be missing? How can I love God and my neighbor in this moment?

This week, when you catch yourself dwelling on how you’re doing, try turning your attention toward someone nearby. Listen a little longer. Offer encouragement. Ask a better question.

Have you found that focusing on someone else changes how you feel about yourself?

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courseson persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!