The Spotlight Effect—It’s Not About You or Me

Last week, I wrote about integrity and the importance of doing the right thing, regardless of who might be watching. This week, I want to flip the spotlight—literally—and talk about something called the spotlight effect.

If you’re not familiar with the term, here’s the short version: The spotlight effect is the tendency to think that people are paying more attention to us than they actually are—especially when we make mistakes.

You forget someone’s name. Say the wrong thing in a meeting. Send a follow-up email that gets ignored. It’s easy to assume others are dwelling on it. But here’s the truth: They’re not. Not even close. And the same is true for me.

My Wake-Up Call

A few years ago, after I left my corporate role at State Auto Insurance to pursue Influence PEOPLE full time, I hit a wall.

I was sending out emails. Leaving voicemails. Following up with people, many that I’d known and worked with—people who had moved on to new companies. I was confident in the value I could bring… but nobody was responding.

Not one person.

Three months passed, and I started to wonder, Did I mess this up? Did I overestimate my relationships? Was I not as good as I thought?

Then, in the span of 24 hours, a half-dozen people got back to me. And they all said roughly the same thing: “Brian, it’s not you. Here’s what’s been going on with me…”

That’s when it hit me: Despite strong relationships, I wasn’t their focus.
In fact, I wasn’t even on their radar most of the time.

And that realization—humbling as it was—helped me remember how I used to operate when I was in their shoes. Back then, I was juggling internal priorities, corporate goals, dozens of competing demands, all while leading a small team. Even if I liked a vendor or training partner, getting back to them wasn’t always high on the priority list.

Don’t Take It Personally—Take It Strategically

With that in mind, I made two key adjustments to how I approach client outreach today:

I stay in touch regularly.
I follow up with prospective clients once a quarter—by email or phone. Not in a pushy way, but in a consistent way, always letting them know I’m here for them. Because when timing, need, and budget finally align, I want to be top of mind.
I stay visible on LinkedIn.
Whenever I connect with someone new, I make sure we’re connected on LinkedIn. I post content daily, so even if they’re not responding to my emails, they’re still seeing me regularly—and hopefully finding value in what I share.

This approach works. I’ve had people reach out after months (even years) of silence to say, “We’ve got a project—and we thought of you.”

Influence Principle in Action: Consistency

This is a textbook example of Robert Cialdini’s principle of consistency adding to authority. When people see you show up regularly—with value, not just sales pitches—you become familiar. Trust grows and you build credibility over time. And when they’re finally ready to act, you’re the obvious choice.

It also speaks to liking. The more people become familiar with you—seeing your face, hearing your voice—and benefit from your content, the more they’re likely to feel connected to you and like you.

Final Thought: The Spotlight Will Shift

So, if you’re in sales, starting a business, or simply trying to build influence, remember this: Most people aren’t thinking about you. They’re dealing with their own challenges, deadlines, and distractions.

That’s not rejection. It’s reality.

Instead of taking silence personally, take it as a signal to stay consistent, stay visible, and stay helpful. Because one day, the spotlight might turn your way—and when it does, you’ll be ready.

Questions to Ponder

Have you ever assumed someone was ignoring you, only to find out they were just busy or overwhelmed? How did that shift your thinking? Please share your experience in the comments.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!