What Is This Moment Reminding You Of?

In my LinkedIn newsletter last Friday, I wrote about the Silent Nudges We Rarely Notice but Often Feel.

The post focused on how our subconscious mind influences many of our decisions, even when we’re unaware of it. Not long after writing it, a perfect example came to mind.

I was working out in my basement gym. I’ve always been a boxing fan, and hanging on the wall is a poster from the Buster Douglas-Mike Tyson fight, one of the biggest upsets in sports history.

As I looked at the poster, someone unexpectedly came to mind.

The poster has been in my basement for more than a decade, and I can’t recall a single time it ever made me think of this person. At first, I wondered why he popped into my head. Then I remembered that I watched the fight at his house, February 11, 1990. Maybe that was it, but if so, why now?

A few days later, the answer came to me.

Weeks earlier, I had been watching old videos from golf outings I used to host every summer. This individual and I played together year after year. Most likely, he was already top of mind—not consciously, but subconsciously. The poster simply activated an association that had been sitting beneath the surface.

The mind is fascinating that way.

Sometimes people, memories, or thoughts seem to come out of nowhere. But when we take the time to explore, there’s often an explanation. A song, a photograph, a familiar scent, or a passing comment can connect the present to something stored in our past.

I saw something similar with my wife years ago.

One morning she shared a dream about a woman wearing white pants and a red shirt. As she described the dream, I immediately thought about a July 4th party we had attended just days before. At the party was a woman dressed exactly that way.

Jane didn’t know the woman. I only remembered her because she was the sister of someone I knew years ago. Yet somehow the image registered, was stored away, and later resurfaced in a dream.

Experiences like these remind me of something important when it comes to influence and communication–There is always more going on than the conversation happening in the moment.

People don’t respond only to what is being said. They respond to what the moment reminds them of.

Every person brings a lifetime of experiences, relationships, victories, disappointments, fears, and memories into every interaction. Most of that information resides below conscious awareness until something activates it.

This helps explain why people sometimes react in ways that seem disproportionate.

Have you ever said something completely innocent and received a surprisingly strong response?

Perhaps you used words like “always” or “never.” To you, they were just words. To the other person, they may have triggered memories of a parent who frequently criticized them with phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…”

The reaction may not be entirely about you or your message. It may be connected to experiences that occurred years earlier.

That’s why effective communicators pay attention to more than words.

When someone responds emotionally, instead of immediately becoming defensive, it can be helpful to get curious. Ask yourself, “What might this moment be reminding them of?”

The answer won’t always be obvious, but the question can lead to greater understanding, empathy, and ultimately more influence.

After all, influence doesn’t begin when we speak. It begins with everything the other person brings with them before we ever say a word.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute. An author, TEDx presenter, international speaker, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. Persuasive Selling and Influenced from Above were Amazon new release bestsellers. His LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 850,000 people around the world and his TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!