If the Pot was Boiling Would You Even Notice?

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There’s an old tale that says if a frog is placed in a pot of boiling water it would immediately jump out but if it’s placed in a pot with room temperature water that’s slowly turned up it won’t perceive the difference and can be boiled alive.
I don’t know if the story is true because I’ve never wanted to harm a frog just to find out. True or not, it illustrates a common reality that sometimes change happens so gradually we find ourselves in an unintended place before we realize what’s happened.
This is top of mind because over the past month I’ve had the opportunity to spend a day with four different interns at State Auto. I thoroughly enjoy those days every summer because their wide-eyed excitement is invigorating. During our time together I give them insight into our sales coaching, sales training and how to ethically persuade people.
As important as those topics are, I think the most valuable thing I talk about with them is their future. When I do this I always share something I’ve regularly said was one of the most impacting things I’ve ever done – writing a personal mission statement.
Although I wrote about this four years ago I felt compelled to reexamine the topic again. You can view my mission statement here.
When it comes to our careers it’s so easy for us to be like the frog in the room temperature water. Everything starts off okay and slowly but surely things change. Our 40-hour week becomes 45 then 50, but we hardly notice. We begin to work most Saturday mornings and that starts to stretch into Sunday. After all, we’re highly productive so we’re given more responsibility. We know if we keep performing we’ll get that next promotion and we already have lots of plans for the extra money we’ll make. We justify the need for nicer things because we’re working so hard and therefore deserve a bigger house, nicer car, new furniture, etc.
We tell ourselves those good things are for our spouse, kids or other family members. But in the process we start to miss the Little League games, school activities and other important events. In the grand scheme of life they’re not that big a deal – well, maybe not that big to you but that’s probably not the case for your kids or spouse. Sure, they “understand,” but secretly they wish you’d choose them over work.
Then comes the day that Harry Chapin famously sang about in “Cat’s in the Cradle.” Your loved ones decline the offer to spend time with you because they have other activities that are now more important to them. You’re hurt and disappointed. You feel like they don’t appreciate all you’ve done for them. The problem is, you never really knew what they wanted. The water is boiling and you can’t do anything about it.
How does a personal mission statement help? It makes you sit down today and consider the end. What kind of person do you want to become? How do you want to be remembered? When it’s all said and done what do you want out of life?
I told a friend recently how I’d gone to a Christmas party last year at a beautiful home. When I saw the ornate decorations in this huge home my gut reaction was, “What am I doing wrong that I can’t give this to my family?” The good news is, the thought didn’t even last a minute. I quickly came to my senses and realized, where I am in life is exactly where I’ve chosen to be.
You see, my mission statement clearly says my priorities are faith, family, personal wellbeing, then my career. Now, for those who know me, between my day job as a sales coach/trainer for State Auto and my activities with Influence PEOPLE, I work a lot. However, I construct my day so those things don’t take away from my family. As I write this on a Tuesday evening, Jane and Abigail are at work so I’m not taking any time away from them.
I start my weekdays at 4 a.m. because I don’t what to give up other things I love like reading, working out and running. I could use those extra morning hours to climb the corporate ladder but that would mean giving up time I can devote to other things I’ve said are more important.
I encourage you to take a look at the blog post I wrote about “The Value of a Personal Mission Statement.” It might be a trigger for you to do something similar. The strongest thing I can say to encourage you is that writing a personal mission statement was one of the most impacting activities I’ve ever undertaken.
P.S. I thought you’d find this interesting. As I was writing this post Abigail came home and wanted to go for a walk. Rather than choose to finish this post I took a break and went with her. I know most teenagers don’t ask their parents to do things with them and before I know it she’ll be out of the house and I’ll long for these days. A choice like this was easy because I set my priorities more than 20 years ago when I wrote my mission statement.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Giver, Taker or Matcher – Which are You?

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Do you look to help others? If you do, then
the next question is, why?
I just finished an excellent book, Give and Take, by Adam Grant. He
explores the principle of reciprocity but from a slightly different angle than
I typically do. Reciprocity is the psychological principle that tells us people
feel obligated to give back to those who’ve first given to them. Reciprocity is
triggered by the act of giving.
When it comes to reciprocity Grant explores
three kinds of people – takers, matchers and givers. As you might imagine, some
people don’t offer much help or only do so if they think they can get something
in return. These are takers and generally it’s best to avoid them because they
don’t really care about you except in so far as you can help them.
Matchers describe most people. You help them
and they’ll help you because they feel the pull of reciprocity.  They’ll offer help but usually not go
overboard. They’re almost keeping mental accounts because they feel if they
give too much they’ll be taken advantage of or not have enough time to tend to
their priorities.
Givers are those rare people who look to give
simply because they believe it’s the right thing to do. They’ll give far more than they
receive quite often and while they can be taken advantage of, for them that
doesn’t negate the reality that giving is the right thing to do. As a giver you
may give far more than you receive but you never know how doing something for
someone might just come around and be life changing for them as well as you.
As I read the book it reminded me of how I
came to know Robert Cialdini and his team at Influence At Work (IAW). I came in
contact with Dr. Cialdini’s work in 2002 when a friend, Nancy Edwards, was
studying for her MBA at The Ohio State University. Nancy saw a presentation Dr.
Cialdini had given at Stanford and was kind enough to share the video with me.
As I learned about the principles of influence a light bulb came on – the
principles explained all the sales techniques I’d learned and taught!
I purchased a copy of the video, began to
share it with small groups and we’d talk about how we could apply the concepts
at State Auto. One thing I appreciated about Dr. Cialdini was his emphasis on
non-manipulative ways to persuade people.
Sometime later, Stanford came out with a new
marketing piece for the video and it read, “Call it Influence, Persuasion, or
even Manipulation,” then went on to describe the video in more detail. Because
Dr. Cialdini was so emphatic about the ethical use of the principles I decide
to email Stanford. I basically said, “No one wants to be manipulated and I
doubt anyone wants to be known as a manipulator. That word can’t be helping your
sales but it sure could be hurting sales.”
Time passed and I never heard from Stanford
but one day my phone rang and it was Bobette Gorden, the vice president of
IAW, calling to thank me for sending that email to Stanford.
Apparently someone at Stanford read the email and decided to change how they
were marketing Dr. Cialdini’s video.
As fate would have it, during that call,
Bobette let me know Dr. Cialdini spoke about influence around the world in case
we ever needed a keynote speaker. It so happened we were looking for a speaker for
some upcoming agency conferences! In 2004, Dr. Cialdini spoke at State Auto
several times and that summer I went through his two-day Principles of
Persuasion workshop.
From there you might just say the rest is
history. I’ve now been a certified trainer for IAW for more than five years and
have been blogging on the subject of influence for more than four years.
The point of this post is twofold. First, for
those who are looking for ways to be more influential through giving, pick up a
copy of Give and Take. You’ll be a
more effective persuader because of it and more importantly, a better person.
The second point of the post is to encourage
you to be a giver because it’s the right thing to do. Trust that good things
will come your way as a result but in the meantime, look for ways to genuinely
help others. The late Zig Ziglar used to say; “You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.” There’s
wisdom and truth in those words so go out today and “give” it a try.

 

Brian, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Influencers from Around the World – How Executives Can Learn Influence

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This month’s
Influencers from Around the World guest post comes by way of my good friend
Sean Patrick. Through the power of the internet, he sent it to me all the way
from Ireland in just milliseconds. Sean started a his own sales training
company, Sales Training Evaluation, and spends time in various parts of Europe training salespeople and
executives. Sean was in the U.S. several years ago to attend the Principles of
Persuasion workshop and there’s a good chance he’ll be here again in late
summer or early fall. If you don’t get to meet him while he’s here you can always
“meet” him on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
How
Executives Can Learn Influence
How can executives acquire meaningful persuasion
skills so they can influence outside their power brokerage?  As people like myself know all too well,
skill transfer is one of the toughest tasks that can be placed upon a learning
and development executive.  Natural
persuaders just like successful sales people who adhere to no formal sales
process, struggle to share insights into their behaviors.  They will tell you that they “just do it.”  It just flows.  Words can’t describe the cognitive processes,
emotions and beliefs that form specific actions to take place at specific
intervals during the influence process. So imagine you’re the boss of a very
large department and you need to come up with a plan to motivate more
production out of your staff.  In today’s
corporate world, working environments are highly collaborative as well as
individualistic, where multi stakeholder partnerships exist. It’s these
environments in which the skills of influence rule over old school
manipulation.
According to Dr. Robert Cialdini, today’s
executives who lack the superior communication skills of the “naturals” can
turn to science in place of sourcing the very same skills that win deals, gain
compliance and get employees to willfully change.  Executives can gain consensus and win
concessions by mastering simple basic principles that can be easily learned and
applied in a relatively short period of time.
Here are a few simple ways where influence can be
applied in everyday corporate environments:
1. Liking – Informal conversations during the
workday create an ideal opportunity to discover common areas of interest,
whether it’s a sports team, hobby, or watching “Mad Men.” The important thing
is to establish the commonality early because it creates a sense of goodwill
and trustworthiness in every subsequent encounter. It’s much easier to build
support for projects when the people you’re trying to persuade are already
bonded with you.  Managers, who praise
members of their staff where relationships have been impaired, begin to
radically turn around those relationships through the simple act of
recognition.
Researchers at the University of North Carolina
writing in the Journal of Experimental
Social Psychology, found that men acted more favorably for an individual
who flattered them even if the compliments were untrue. And in their book Interpersonal Attraction
(Addison-Wesley, 1978), Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield Walster presented
experimental data showing that positive remarks about another person’s traits,
attitude, or performance reliably generates liking in return, as well as
willing compliance.
2. Reciprocity – Line managers who share staff and
resources with their peers who are fast approaching deadlines are more likely
to receive favors and help when they need it in the future. Odds will improve
even more if you say, when your colleague thanks you for the assistance,
something like, “Sure, glad to help. I know how important it is for me to count
on your help when I need it.” 
Gift giving is one of the cruder applications of
the rule of reciprocity. In its more sophisticated uses, it promises a genuine
first-mover advantage on any manager who is trying to foster positive attitudes
and productive personal relationships in the office
3. Social Proof – According to one of Dr. Cialdini’s
research pieces, a group of researchers went door-to-door in Columbia, S.C.,
soliciting donations for a charity campaign and displaying a list of neighborhood
residents who had already donated to the cause. The researchers found that the
longer the donor list was, the more likely those solicited would be to donate
as well.  The people being solicited
became the subject to the power of peer pressure once they saw the names of all
their neighbors on the list.
4. Consistency – People need not only to like you but
also to feel committed to what you want them to do. Good turns are one reliable
way to make people feel obligated to you. Another is to win a public commitment
from them.  Israeli researchers writing
in 1983 in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin recounted how they
asked half the residents of a large apartment complex to sign a petition
favoring the establishment of a recreation center for the handicapped. The
cause was good and the request was small, so almost everyone who was asked
agreed to sign. Two weeks later, on National Collection Day for the
Handicapped, all residents of the complex were approached at home and asked to
give to the cause. A little more than half of those who were not asked to sign
the petition made a contribution. But an astounding 92% of those who did sign
donated money. The residents of the apartment complex felt obligated to live up
to their commitments because those commitments were active, public, and
voluntary.
5. Authority – The principle of authority asks us to
believe in the advice dispensed by experts. Since there’s good reason to take
heed to expert advice, executives should take pains to ensure that they
establish their own expertise before they attempt to exert influence.
Surprisingly often, people mistakenly assume that others recognize and
appreciate their experience. The task for managers who want to establish their
claims to expertise is somewhat more difficult. They can’t simply nail their
diplomas to the wall and wait for everyone to notice. A little subtlety is
called for.
Through liking and similarity, they can also
provide an opportunity to establish expertise. Perhaps telling an anecdote
about successfully solving a problem similar to the one that’s on the agenda at
the next meeting or maybe a recreational dinner is the time to describe years
spent mastering a complex discipline, as part of the ordinary give-and-take of
conversation.
6. Scarcity – Study after study shows that items and
opportunities are seen to be more valuable as they become less available.
That’s a tremendously useful piece of information for managers.  Managers can learn from retailers how to
frame their offers not in terms of what people stand to gain but in terms of
what they stand to lose if they don’t act on the information.  According to a 1994 study in the journal Organizational Behavior and Human Decision
Processes, potential losses figure far more heavily in managers’ decision-making
rather than potential gains. In framing their offers, salespeople and
executives should also remember that exclusive information is more persuasive
than widely available data.
The persuasive power of exclusivity can be
harnessed by any manager who comes into possession of information that’s not
widely available and that supports an idea or initiative he or she is aligned
to.  The next time that kind of
information crosses your path, gather your key stakeholders.  The information itself may seem dull, but
exclusivity will give it a special appeal. Push it out to those who need to
buy-in and inform them saying, “You just got this report today. It won’t be
distributed until next week, but I want to give you an early look at what it
shows.” Then notice the rise in interest.
Over to you
If you manage people in your job, how can you take
these examples of persuasion and use to gain compliance?
I’d love to hear about how you’ve pushed yourself
to use these principles of persuasion. 
I’d also love to hear about your wins and what you learned through the
experience.
Sean
Sources:
Influence:
Science and Practice (Allyn & Bacon, 2001)
Influence At Work www.influenceatwork.com         
HBR Business
Essentials: Power, Influence and Persuasion (HBR Press, 2005)
Social Psychology,
3rd ed. (Oxford University Press, 1985)

Why Facebook Doesn’t Change Anyone’s Opinion

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Facebook is useless when it comes go changing people’s opinions. I’m sure many people will disagree with me but I firmly believe that’s the case. My belief comes from personal observation and science.

My personal observation is this – I’ve yet to see people go back and forth on Facebook about any issue where one person finally concedes and says, “Wow, you’ve brought up some interesting points I’ve never considered before. That’s helped change my thinking on this issue.” Have you ever seen someone post anything remotely related to that? I bet not.

Why do I believe science backs up my belief that Facebook isn’t a vehicle to change people’s minds on important issues? Because of Robert Cialdini’s principle of consistency. This principle of influence tells us people feel internal and external pressure to be consistent in what they say and do.  Some factors that strengthen consistency’s pull include someone taking a public, active stand and as long as it’s voluntary and requires some effort people will be more firmly entrenched in their original position.

We all hold beliefs about politics, religion, sex (the big three we’re supposed to avoid discussing in public), as well as many other issues. When we keep those to ourselves we might ponder other people’s views and possibly consider them but once we make our thoughts public we feel the pull of consistency to defend our original position.

Now consider taking an active stand. You begin posting on Facebook. The mere act of taking more and more action gets you to put more and more reasons in front of the world as to why you believe what you believe. You’re convincing yourself with each post that you’re right and the other person is wrong.

Of course, it’s assumed you’re doing this of your own free will – voluntarily. That’s important because we own our views much more than we do the views we might ascribe to primarily because of our parents, peers or the company we work for. So this is one more reason people dig their heels in even further.

And now we come to effort. The more effort you put into something the more you value it and take ownership. Dan Ariely calls this “The IKEA Effect,” because people love their IKEA furniture primarily due to the effort they put into building it. As you start researching to defend your position, check out someone else’s Facebook page or do anything to prepare for the back and forth exchange on Facebook, you are firmly entrenching your beliefs even more because of the effort you’ve expended.

So, having made your views public, actively and voluntarily, while engaging others with time and effort, almost makes it certain you won’t change your opinion. And you know what, the same holds true for the other person. Maybe you should ask yourself if it’s worth it – the time, effort and angst – to debate over Facebook. Personally I think it’s a waste of time because I know no good will come of it.

If you’re open to the reality that maybe, just maybe you don’t have all the facts and aren’t 100% correct all the time then I believe you’d get much more accomplished by sitting face-to-face over coffee or a beer so you can have a discussion. When you do so, each person can share their views and ask questions.

I’ll conclude with this – it used to be considered a good thing to be open minded and willing to change if need be. However, that seems to have gone out the window these days, especially in politics because the external pressure to remain consistent is so strong. If you’re a politician who changes on a position you’ll be crucified as a flip-flopper, waffler or wishy-washy. As everyday citizens get more firmly entrenched in the ideology of their party and take to social media to air their opinions it will only get tougher to persuade people to change. So, if you want to be a master persuader, you’d better rethink your approach if you want to impact someone else for your cause. My simple suggestion is to take it offline.

How Are You Doing? It’s Relative.

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Not too long ago I got a medical bill and was shocked by how large it was. As I thought about paying it I had the feeling many of you might have had in the past – it seems like I can never get ahead.
Sleeping on it didn’t help because it was top of mind when I went for my run early the next morning. Running is good for me because it allows me to clear my thoughts and gain perspective.  As I considered the medical bill the Oklahoma tornado tragedy came to mind. All of a sudden my “problem” paled in comparison to those who lost loved ones and the thousands who lost homes and possessions.
Please don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think of the Oklahoma tragedy to make myself feel better but the reality is this; no matter how good or bad we have it, someone else has it better or worse. How we’re doing depends almost entirely on what and who we compare ourselves to.
During the Principles of Persuasion workshop I talk about something called the contrast phenomenon which tells us how we experience something is directly related to what we compare it to. For example, saving $5 on a $10 item makes feel pretty good but saving $5 on a $100 item doesn’t have nearly the same effect. It’s the same $5 but how we view it is relative to something else.
Much of life is spent making comparisons:
  • How much we make
  • The house we live in
  • The car we drive

This can lead to a lot of problems and a good amount of discontent because there’s always someone who makes more, has a nicer home or car, a better looking spouse, smarter kids, etc.

My faith teaches that comparing ourselves to one another is foolish because we’re comparing to the wrong thing. If God is the standard then on one hand we’d all fall short no matter how “good” we are. Fortunately God doesn’t ask us to measure ourselves by His perfection but rather by His love. When it comes to that, He is clear – we can’t earn it and there’s nothing we’ll ever do that will make Him love us more or less.
Personally I find this freeing. No matter how productive I am today, or unproductive, no matter how well or poorly I do, nothing changes His standard. For me it means pursing whatever I do not for the accolades, money or some other external reason but rather for the enjoyment it brings me and the opportunity to help others.
So here’s my advice the next time you’re feeling blue; take a moment to explore why and ask yourself if perhaps the state you’re in has to do with comparing who you are or where you are in life to some arbitrary target. If that’s what you’re doing, then you can change the frame of reference just like I did during my morning run. The bill remains the same but I’m in a much better frame of mind and that’s priceless.
Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

When a Sale isn’t a Sale

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Do you enjoy getting a good deal? I know I do
and so do most consumers. The reality is, very seldom do we know if we’re
getting a good deal because “the deal” is always relative. For example, a $300
smart phone is a good deal when you realize the normal price is $600. In other
words, when you think you’re saving money you believe you’re getting a good
deal and that’s extra enticement when it comes to the purchasing decision.
How would you feel if you were told you were
saving 50% off of the original $300 price of luggage only to find out you saved
nothing? I know I’d be upset because it’s very likely I would have factored in
the “sale” price into my buying decision, consciously or unconsciously.
In a class action lawsuit, a California court recently said
consumers have a right to sue retailers if the price advertised is fake. Kohl’s,
the retailer involved in the suit, says its advertised price was truly a sale
and besides that, “the lawsuit was originally dismissed because a judge ruled
that the customer couldn’t sue because he hadn’t lost money by buying
merchandise that wasn’t as much of a bargain as he thought it was.”
So imagine you have the luggage and it works
as well as you expected, would you still be upset that the “sale” price was
just the price that you’d get anytime you visited the store? Would you feel
manipulated to some degree?
It’s one thing to buy something and then
realize you could have purchased it elsewhere for less – shame on you for not
doing your homework. However, should you have to do your homework to know
whether or not the store is telling you the truth about their “sale”?
In an article titled “Permission Marketing,” in
Fast Company, William C. Taylor
wrote, “This year, the average consumer will see or hear one million marketing
messages – that’s almost 3,000 per day.” Wow! Now here’s a scary thought – that
quote is 15 years old! How much more do you think you’re exposed to with the
explosion of the internet and social media? No one can possibly process it all
and that’s why so much of our decision-making happens at the subconscious
level. In fact, Martin Lindstrom, author of Buyology,
contends that 85% of what we do on a daily basis comes from unconscious
decisions.
One way we wade through the myriad of choices
comes from decision triggers, or reliable bits of information, that guide us
into what we believe are good choices. Seeing “sale” is one such trigger.
Studies show that simply by advertising a “sale” or using some other feature
like a yellow “Everyday Low Price” sticker can sometimes double sales even if the
price hasn’t changed at all.
When I teach people about influence I stress
ethics because I want students to feel good about how they apply their new
knowledge. As people work in small groups to come up with some criteria about
what constitutes an ethical request every group always mentions honesty and
truthfulness. To a person they feel if someone is going to make an ethical
attempt to persuade another individual they have to be telling the truth.
If you consider what I just shared about
decision triggers and how retail sales increase based on using the word “sale,”
do you think it’s deceptive of a store to advertise sale prices when in fact
they’re not any different that the regular prices you can get every day at the
store? In other words, if you shopped at Kohl’s every week and saw the 50% off
luggage, wouldn’t you come to realize the price is just $150 because it was
never sold for $300?
Like it or not, when we see a sale being
advertised it gets us into stores far more than if there was no sale. Once
we’re in the store we buy more so wouldn’t it be nice to know we’re truly
getting the good deal that’s advertised?
Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

5 Reasons Why Starbucks is so Persuasive

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What better place to write this post than sitting in Starbucks on a beautiful spring day. The smooth jazz is playing as the barista and others hustle behind the counter helping a diverse group of people who pop in and out for their daily fix. Of course, there’s also the smell of roasted coffee beans in the air. All the senses are engaged when you visit a Starbucks.

Coffee has gone from the Maxwell House and Folgers morning drink to something we enjoy 24 hours a day. That shift is due in large part to Starbucks. It’s amazing when you think about it because you don’t see Starbucks commercials on television and you don’t hear them on the radio. You won’t see them on billboards or magazines either. So how does a company do what Starbucks has done with no advertising? Here are my thoughts on why Starbucks is so persuasive.

Reason #1 – They create an experience when you walk into a store. Reread my opening paragraph and you’ll see what I mean. There’s no mistaking it; you know when you’re in a Starbucks. Oh sure, you can get good coffee at Panera, Cup ‘O Joe, McDonalds (or so they say) and other places but none of them feels cool like Starbucks. It’s enjoyable to sit and take it all in as you enjoy your favorite caffeinated drink. This differentiation is the principle of scarcity at work. You can’t get this feeling anywhere else.Not only is the service great inside, it’s excellent at the drive-through as my friend and LinkedIn guru Bob McIntosh points out his post Want Great Customer Service, Go to Starbucks.

Reason #2 – The baristas and others who work here really seem to enjoy their jobs and I don’t think it’s because they’re hyped up on caffeine. I’m not familiar with Starbucks’ hiring process but the company knows what it wants in an employee and does a great job hiring the right people. That’s a huge part of the Starbucks brand. When you walk in you’re greeted by multiple people asking how your day is going. They engage you in a way that makes you like them and as we all know, people like to do business with people they like. That’s the principle of liking and it makes you want to come back again and again.

Reason #3 – Something that stands out about Starbucks is how easily recognizable its cups are. It’s amazing how many times you see them when you’re out and about. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the airport, at the mall, out for a walk in the park or anyplace else. That’s Starbucks’ advertising – me, you and everyone else walking around with a Starbucks in hand! The more we see people with their Starbucks, the more it signals to us that it’s a great product. The principle of consensus tells us people look to others to get a sense of what’s appropriate behavior. Which would you assume is the better restaurant, the one with lots of empty tables or the one with a wait? Most people would assume the latter and so it is with Starbucks.

Reason #4 – Have you tried the Starbucks app? I think it’s one of the best apps available for your smart phone. You can put in your favorite drink so when you visit you hold the app up to the scanner and the barista knows exactly what you want. It has a store locator, which is great if you travel a lot like I do. You even get free songs from iTunes almost weekly, which is cool because it exposes me to music I probably wouldn’t go look for, or want to buy. This giving engages the principle of reciprocity, making us more likely to return the favor, so to speak, by purchasing coffee.

Reason #5 – But the smartest move Starbucks made with their app is the ability to load it with cash so you can pay by phone. It works just like having a gift card except you don’t need the gift card because you pay with the phone. The brilliance is once you’ve loaded the app you don’t feel like you’re actually spending money when you buy your coffee! After all, if I have $25 or $50 on my app I’ll go out of my way to use it versus perhaps stopping by some other coffee shop where I have to “pay.”

And think about this; it’s much easier for consumers to make a few, larger purchases by reloading the app occasionally as opposed to constantly pulling $5 or $10 out to pay each time you stop by a store. In other words, Starbucks has removed the pain of paying.

Is Starbucks for everyone? Of course not, but there’s no denying the company is an incredible success and that’s not by accident. Starbucks is very intentional in its attempts to persuade us to get our fix at one of its local establishments and I’d say it’s doing an amazing job.

Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

It Could Never Happen Today or Could It?

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I got a strange birthday present this year
from my daughter Abigail; a book called Hitler Youth by Susan Campbell
Bartoletti. Abigail has been fascinated by what took place around World War II,
particularly the Holocaust, so couple that with her youth pastor recommending the
book along with my interest in psychology, and that’s how she came up with the idea.
The book details how Adolph Hitler and the
Nazis used the young German population to strengthen their cause and implement
their gruesome plans. The indoctrination of the German youth began in the early
1930s and went all the way up through the end of the war.
The children were so brainwashed between
school, the Hitler Youth organization and summer work camps that many had more
loyalty to Hitler and the state than to their own parents. Some children even
turned their parents in to Nazi authorities when they heard them say derogatory
things about Hitler or the Nazis!
For decades people have wondered how any human
being could have witnessed what was going on and not done something. Even
worse, how could anyone have willingly participated in such evil?
It’s easy for us to think the atrocities that
occurred under Hitler could never happen in this day and age because we have social
media and people would take action immediately. Sadly, that’s not the case. The
world was aware of genocide in Rwanda with the nightly news and did little to
stop it until hundred of thousands were slaughtered. More recently we only
need to look at the North Korean regime.
Five decades ago Stanley Milgram, a social
psychologist from Yale, wondered how people could have willingly participated
with the Nazis, so he set out find an answer.
Milgram conducted a series of experiments in
the early 1960s to find out how subjects would respond to an authority figure. The principle of authority tells us people defer to those with expertise and those in positions of power. As you might imagine, most people predicted the average American wouldn’t harm another person, but during a “learning experiment” Milgram found
that two-thirds of his subjects willingly administered a series of 30
progressively stronger shocks to a learning partner. The final shock was 450
volts, enough voltage to kill a person!
During the experiment no threats were used, there
was no prior history with the experimenter to consider, nor was anyone’s career
on the line. What turned these normal people into willing participants in
torture? Believe it or not, all it took was a man in a white lab coat – a
perceived authority – insisting that participants continue with the experiment.
Many protested, some to the point of near emotional breakdown, but two out of
three participants administered all 30 shocks.
Are we much different today than we were in
the early ‘60s? In a much milder form, the Milgram experiment and many other
interesting scenarios such as bullying have been replicated in recent years on the
NBC television show What Would You Do?
Various studies show most people believe
themselves to be better looking than the average person, and smarter, kinder
and, I bet, more heroic. You probably believe you are and I’ll be honest, I
believe I’m all those things too. Because of our high self-esteem we’d like to
believe we would have immediately done the right thing if we’d been in Nazi
Germany or someplace else where we witnessed something horrific. But the odds
are against us, because human nature hasn’t changed much during the past
century.
It’s become commonly documented that all too
often people don’t help one another when they see someone in need and the more
people there are around, the less any one person feels the need to help. This
is sometimes called the “bystander effect” or “diffusion of
responsibility.” If you doubt this consider, Catherine Susan “Kitty”Genovese, the woman who was stabbed to death in New York City in 1964 in full
view, or within earshot, of many people who did nothing to help her.
So what can you and I do? On a personal level,
having just read this you’re probably thinking, “I’d never do that” and that’s
a good first step. The principle of consistency tells us people want their
words and deeds to match. By telling ourselves we wouldn’t do such a thing
we’re raising our awareness that should something like that occur we’re more
likely to recognize it and take appropriate action.
Something that strengthens our resolve when it
comes to consistency is to make a public commitment. The more public we are
about our views on right and wrong, good and bad, and what we’d do, the more
likely we are to follow through on those actions.
Here’s the good news – quite often other
people know the right thing to do but are afraid to act. However, when one
courageous person takes a stand it emboldens others and before you know it you
can have a movement of good against evil. And the sooner we act, the easier it
will be to stamp out something before it seems too big, too imposing to deal
with.
Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Parenting and the Garden of Eden

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Our daughter Abigail is just finishing her
junior year of high school. It’s hard to believe before the year is over she’ll
be 18 years old, officially an adult in the eyes of the law. I still remember
looking at her in her crib thinking, “I can’t believe she’s been with us 100
days already.”

 

I’ve learned so many things raising her,
especially when it comes to coaching and influencing others. We’ve been blessed
because she’s a wonderful person with an unbelievable heart for people.
This may seem like a paradox but we have
almost no rules and yet we almost never have to discipline her. You might think
someone with no rules would be a loose cannon, especially during the teen
years, but it’s been exactly the opposite.
Pondering this made me think how prohibiting
certain things can sometimes have the opposite of the intended effect, making
the person want to break the rules all the more. It reminds me of God
prohibiting Adam and Eve from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and
Evil. Once the tree was deemed off limits, Eve viewed something that was there
all along – the tree smack dab in the middle of the garden – in a new and
different way.
For those who’ve raised kids you know the
moment you tell them they can’t do, touch, taste, or listen to something, that
seems to be all the want.
I believe scarcity is at the root of the
issue. This principle of influence tells us people want more of what they can’t
have.  So tell a kid they can’t watch a
movie and their curiosity is piqued as they begin to wonder, “What’s so bad in
the movie that mom and dad don’t want me to see it?”
When comes to parenting I really knew we were
on the right track several years ago when my mom relayed a conversation to me
that she’d had with Abigail. My mom was talking about rules when Abigail would
get her license and Abigail told her she really didn’t have any rules. Of
course my mom insisted she did and Abigail replied, “No grandma, I really don’t
have any rules but I wouldn’t do anything
to break my parents trust.” Wow! I don’t think I could have asked for any
more than that.
How did we get to that point? I think two
things contributed significantly – time and communication.
As an only child we devoted lots of time to
Abigail. Jane gave up a successful career in insurance to stay home and raise
her. Losing her income necessitated other sacrifices too but they were all more
than worth it.
I made it a priority to be around as much as
possible to attend school events and participate in lots of father-daughter
activities like the YMCA’s Indian Princess program. When Abigail graduated from
that program we participated together in taekwondo for many years. It was
normal for us to hop in the car and go do something together multiple times a
week.
In the midst of all that time together I made
it a point to talk with Abigail a lot
and always gave her room to share her thoughts and feelings. As my good friend, and life coach, Dennis Stranges once said, I helped her find her voice so she felt free to
share whatever was on her mind and whatever was going on in her life.
When you have conversations like we had you go
beyond rules – do this, don’t do that – and spend time talking about the whys
behind the things we’d ask her to do or refrain from.
As she showed good judgment we kept extending
responsibility and emphasized that we’d continue to give more as she displayed
more responsibility. It feeds on itself in a very positive way and everyone
wins.
When I say we don’t have rules there are certainly
things we don’t want her to do, such as have sex, drink, try drugs or
participate in other activities that could be harmful to her. However, rather
than lay down rules, she knows if we ask (not tell) her to do something or
refrain from something that we have her best interests at heart. Consequently
things that worry so many parents during the teen years have been non-issues
for us.
So my advice to parents would be threefold – 1)
spend lots of time with your kids, 2) communicate with them, and 3) try
refraining from rules and instead discuss the whys behind what you ask of them.
The earlier in their lives you begin the better but it’s never too late to
start. And remember; give them the freedom to express themselves, even if you
don’t fully agree with their likes and dislikes. Doing so will build trust and
that’s where they’ll be open to what you have to share and that’s where you
might be able to persuade them into good behavior rather than trying to force
it.
Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

2 Simple Keys to Building Great Relationships

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Why does engaging reciprocity help relationships? When you do something for another person, they usually appreciate the effort, and in the midst of that, they experience good feelings towards you. Those good feelings are a result of endorphins kicking in, and their thoughts about you are positive.

A word of caution – don’t do things to build a “bank” of favors. We can all think of people we know who keep mental accounts, and it usually makes us suspicious when they do something for us.

I’ve encountered people like that, and I find myself more focused on “what do you want” instead of appreciating what they’re doing.

Liking is the other relationship principle. We know we like people who like us, and it makes everything easier when we have to deal with them. Getting people to like you is fairly easy. If you connect on things you have in common, that’s a great way to start easy conversations and build from there.

I always think of my wife, Jane, when it comes to this principle because whenever she sees someone wearing Pittsburgh Steelers clothing, she says, “Go Steelers.” In the blink of an eye, they’re talking, and you’d think they’d known each other for years.

Another simple way to engage liking is to share compliments with people when you note something praiseworthy. All too often, people have good thoughts about others but don’t share them. You’ll get those endorphins flowing with the other person if you offer a sincere compliment. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everyone likes a compliment.”

Now here’s the real key to liking and reciprocity – focus on the other person and their best interests, not your own. When it comes to reciprocity, become the kind of person who genuinely wants to help others.

The more people sense you have their best interests at heart, the more open they’ll be to your offer to help. Don’t worry about what you’ll get in return, just give because the more you help people, the more they’ll want to help you. That’s why Zig Ziglar famously said, “You can get everything you want in life if you would just help enough other people get what they want.”

How do we focus on the other person with liking? Simple – don’t try to get them to like you, do what you can to like them. The same things that will make people like you will make you like them. If you find you come from the same hometown, have the same pets, root for the same team, etc., it becomes easy for you to like them.

As you see praiseworthy traits – and verbalize them – you begin to convince yourself the other person is really a good individual. When the other person begins to sense you truly like them, that’s when everything changes.

The bottom line is this – look for ways to give and connect that are in the best interest of others. They’ll appreciate it, respond positively, and it will have the same effect on you. It will truly be a win-win for everyone.

Brian, CMCT®
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.