Tag Archive for: Cialdini

PAVE the Way to Success in 2014

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If you’re like many people then you’ll be making
New Year’s resolutions and if you’re like most you’ll be
breaking those same resolutions within a day or two. According to one study,
more than half the people who make resolutions are confident of achieving them,
yet barely more than one in ten do so. That’s amazingly bad because most resolutions
are good ones! Here are a few of the most popular New Year’s resolutions:

  • Spend
    more time with family
  • Lose
    weight
  • Begin
    exercising
  • Quit
    smoking
  • Quit
    drinking
  • Get
    organized
  • Get
    out of debt

The list is admirable so why are these goals so
difficult to achieve for 90% of us? There are probably as many reasons
as there are resolutions and dwelling on them wouldn’t be as beneficial as
giving you scientifically proven tips that can help make 2014 a year of positive change for you. Around this time every year I
share an influence technique that can help readers PAVE
the way to success in the New Year.

In the study of persuasion there’s a powerful
motivator of behavior known as the principle of consistency.” This proven
rule tells us people feel internal and external psychological pressure to act
in ways that are consistent with their prior actions, words, deeds, beliefs and
values. When we act in consistent ways we feel better about ourselves and other
people perceive us in a more favorable light, which adds to our authority in their eyes.
There are four simple things to strengthen the
power of consistency in your life. These simple ideas will help you PAVE the way to success because they’ll
dramatically increase the odds that you’ll follow through on your New Year’s
resolutions.
Public – Whenever you
make a public statement, whether verbally or in writing, you’re putting
yourself and your reputation on the line. The mere fact that another person
knows your intention and might ask you how you’re doing is often
enough motivation for people to follow through.
Recommendation
#1 – Share with another person or group of people, your New Year’s
resolution and ask them to hold you accountable.
Active – You have to
actively do something. Merely thinking about a resolution, just keeping it to
yourself as some sort of secret, will lead to the same results as people who
don’t make resolutions. In other words, nothing will change. This came to light
in a study with a group of students who wanted to improve their college grades.
One group was asked to write their goals down, one group kept their goals in
their heads, and the last group had no specific goal whatsoever. As you can
imagine, the group with the written goals succeeded, with nearly 90% of
students increasing by a full letter grade! With the other two groups the
results were identical and poor. In each group fewer than 1 in 6 students
improved a full letter grade. It’s worth noting, they were all given the same
study materials so they all had the same opportunity to better their GPA.
Recommendation
#2 – Make sure you have to take some active steps. It could be as simple
as buying a book to help you learn more about the changes you’re hoping to
make.
Voluntary – This has to
be YOUR goal, not someone else’s goal for you. If you’re trying to do something
– quit smoking, lose weight, get in shape – it’s not likely your motivation
will last if someone told you to do it. The goal has to come from you because
if it’s forced on you it’s not likely your willpower will last long. Samuel Butler
said it best when he wrote, “He who complies against his will is of the same
opinion still.”
Recommendation
#3 – Make sure it’s something you really want to do.
Effort – It was already
noted that you have to actively do something. In other words, making the
commitment should require some effort on your part. The more effort
you expend setting up your goal, the more likely you are to succeed. Something
as simple as writing down your resolution can make a difference, even if you
don’t share it with anyone. But, taking the time to share it also fulfills the
public requirement, which gives you more bang for the buck! Robert Cialdini
puts it this way, “People live up to what they write down.”
Recommendation
#4 – A little more effort, like committing pen to paper, will increase your chance for success
significantly.
So to recap the recommendations:
  1. Share your resolutions with others.
  2. Make sure to take some active steps.
  3. Make it your goal.
  4. Commit pen to paper.

None of what I just shared is
new but I’m guessing many of you haven’t tried the PAVE
approach before. If you’ve failed at your resolutions in the past then give
this approach a try. If you fail again you’re no worse off but this different
approach might just be your key to success in 2014. Good luck and Happy New
Year to all of you!

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer

 

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

The Importance of “Thank You”

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Several weeks ago I wrote a blog post on the correct ways to respond to “Thanks.” Much to my surprise and delight it struck a chord with readers. As I was watching television after a Sunday of football, a 60 Minutes piece caught my attention so I decided to write about the importance of saying, “Thank you.”

In the 60 Minutes segment, Anderson Cooper interviewed Marcus Luttrell, the author of Lone Survivor, the account of four Navy Seals who were ambushed during a recon mission in Afghanistan. Luttrell was the lone survivor on that fateful day in 2005.

Cooper also interviewed retired Vice Admiral Joe McGuire. According to the Vice Admiral one of Luttrell’s comrades, Lieutenant Mike Murphy, placed a call for help after he and his three fellow Seals had been shot. Murphy had to expose himself on a rock to place the call even though he knew he’d likely be killed in such a vulnerable location.

He made the call and said, “We could really use your help.” He was told by command, “Help is on the way.” Then Vice Admiral McGuire said he admired Murphy because, having been shot and knowing he’d probably die radioing for help, he finished the call by saying, “Thank you.” The Vice Admiral said of Murphy, “That’s just the kind of man he was.” Did you catch that? He actually took time to say “Thank you” in the middle of a firefight knowing he might die!

As I noted in the post several weeks ago, how you respond to “thank you” can make a big difference in your ability to persuade others. On the flip side, expressing gratitude, saying “thank you”, is every bit as important. If Lieutenant Murphy could find the time to remember to say, “Thanks,” then who are we not to?

Giving thanks taps into reciprocity, the principle that tells us people feel obligated to do something for those who’ve done something for them. “Thank you” is one of the first phrases we learned when mom and dad taught us that thanking others was the right thing to do after someone had done something for us.

Unfortunately showing gratitude – good manners – seems to be slipping these days. I think that because of the responses I get from others when I say, “Yes, thank you,” or “No, thanks.” Quite often I’m thanked in return because politeness stands out today. While that might be a sad commentary, the good news for you is your “Thanks” will stand out in a positive way.

I remember many years ago “stopping the presses” to help someone accomplish something that was very important to them. It involved several people on my end and was a disruption in normal processing but we got it done. What stayed with me all these years was the fact that the person we helped never said thanks or acknowledged we went out of our way to help even though we didn’t have to.

I realize I don’t work for thanks and that I’m expected to do my job but our company has a culture in which associates recognize extra effort with sincere appreciation. I knew in my heart if that person ever wanted my help again I’d do what was asked but the effort would not be the same as it would for others who genuinely appreciated past efforts.

When you recognize people and their effort it helps build relationships and it’s a proven fact that people prefer to say, “Yes” to those they know and like. That’s the principle of liking.

So here is some simple persuasion advice. When people have done something you genuinely appreciate, let them know. “Thanks” and “Thank you” go a long way but I’d encourage you to go a bit further. Thank the other person and, if warranted, tag it with a bit more:

  • “Thanks, I really appreciate what you did.”
  • “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you’d…”
  • “You have been so helpful. Thanks a lot!”

Each of these takes just a moment of reflection and a couple of extra seconds. Lieutenant Murphy found the time during the fight of his life; can you? Even if you’re dealing with someone you might not see again at a minimum you might just brighten his or her day. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with regularly, an approach like I’ve described can go a long way toward building a stronger, more productive relationship and that will make future attempts at persuasion much easier.

Persuasion Advice from the Wizard of Oz

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Sometimes it feels good to revisit our childhood. I had that experience the day after Thanksgiving as I watched “The Wizard of Oz” again. I did so because I enjoy the movie and the memories it brings back. I also felt like I might learn something from the great and powerful Oz. I wasn’t disappointed!
Dorothy and her friends – the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow – make their way to the Land of Oz because they all need something from the Wizard. The Tin Man wants a heart, the Cowardly Lion is looking for courage and the Scarecrow is hoping to get a brain.
When it comes to persuasion we’ll focus on the Scarecrow. The Wizard tells him all he really needs is a diploma. Once the Scarecrow has it in hand all of a sudden he believes he’s smart. See for yourself in the YouTube video clip below.
Now we all know someone handing you a diploma doesn’t make you smart anymore than wearing a black belt to work makes you a martial arts master.
Even earning both of those prestigious things – a college diploma or a black belt in some martial art – doesn’t certify you as a genius or the next Bruce Lee.
However, each does make you better off. I can only assume someone who earned a college degree is more intelligent for having gone through the four-year process. As a result of their hard work and earning a diploma they’re more likely to land a good job and enjoy success as compared to those who don’t have a college degree.
Likewise, people who’ve earned a black belt should be much more capable of defending themselves should the need arise.
But there’s another benefit. Having a diploma, black belt or some other certification can make you more persuasive. And the more difficult or rare your certification, the more impressive (i.e., persuasive) it is. That’s the principle of authority in operation.
For example, did you know in 2005 more than 85% of United States citizens had a high school diploma but only 22% had a bachelor’s degree? Of course, getting a degree from a prestigious university will carry more weight than a more run of the mill school. After all, if you hear someone has a degree from Harvard or Yale you’re impressed, aren’t you? The exclusivity of a degree from a prestigious school is the principle of scarcity at work. And the more education you pursue (MBA, doctorate, etc.) the more impact it has.
When it comes to a martial arts black belt there are no official population stats. Having taken taekwondo for many years I can tell you very few people get involved in the martial arts and the vast majority don’t put in the years it requires to earn a black belt. When you hear people have earned a second degree, third degree or more, you know they’ve been practicing their craft for many, many years. The more degrees, the more impressive from an authority and scarcity standpoint.
So when people know you’re a college graduate, especially from a prestigious university, that gives you more credibility but a key is that people know what your credentials are before you attempt to persuade them. This is why speakers should always have a bio prepared for a third party to introduce them before they present.
The same effect can be had prior to important meetings with a newer client. Having a bio prepared for someone (an associate of the person you’ll meet, your boss, a mutual friend, etc.) to send via email on your behalf gets your credibility established before the meeting.
Here’s a powerful tip – you write the bio or email. That’s right, you write the bio or email then give it to the third party and tell them they can wordsmith it so it sounds like them. Never, ever, ever leave it up to the other person to write this on your behalf because they don’t know all you’ve done and accomplished. As you write the email it may feel like you’re bragging but it will sound perfectly natural coming from the other person.
Another area you want to make sure is current is LinkedIn. Does your LinkedIn profile show your degree? How about your awards and certificates? Do you mention any in your summary? LinkedIn is your online resume and people are checking it out so make sure it’s the best reflection possible of you and your accomplishments.
So here’s your take away. Work hard, do the things most people aren’t willing to do, and see them through to completion. Once you’ve done that and earned your diploma, certificate, award or some other acknowledgement of your accomplishment, make sure people know about it before you try to persuade. It’s a small thing but it can make a big difference when it comes to persuasion.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

High or Low? Comparing Makes it So!

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William Shakespeare penned this famous line in Hamlet, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Two people can experience the very same thing and one person views it as good while another person sees it as bad. This happens because when we make judgments about good and bad we’re making them in relation to something else.

If you’re in sales and I asked what objection do you face the most when trying to make a sale, I have no doubt the vast majority of people reading this would say, “Price!” When someone says your price is too high it’s because they’re comparing it to something else.

Is $20,000 a lot to pay for a car? Some of you reading this don’t think so because you may drive a high-end car like a Mercedes or BMW, and your ride costs much more than that. Others might view $20,000 as expensive because you’re not into cars and therefore pay a good bit less than that for your vehicle of choice. In both cases, you’re comparing what you’ve paid in the past to $20,000.

As a salesperson here’s what I want you to remember:

“There’s nothing high or low but comparing makes it so.”

The next time you face the price objection, recognize this simple fact and then look for ways to ethically change the prospective customer’s point of comparison.

In the end everyone wants to feel like they got a good deal or great value. In our sales training we define value as follows:

V = WIG / P

Value (V) equals what I get (WIG), divided by price (P). If I can get more for the same price I feel like I got a better deal. Or, if I can get the same thing but pay less, I still believe I got a better deal.

This is where you’ll see advertisers tout “25% more” or “2 for 1.” In both cases you get more (WIG) for the same price (P). On the flip side we see sales all the time. During a sale we get the same item (WIG) for less money (P).

I’ve often shared the following example in training.

A company in Southern California sold spas and hot tubs. Prices ranged from $6,000 on the low end to $15,000 on the upper end. As you might imagine, most salespeople started low and tried to upsell customers. The problem with that approach is once you start at $6,000 the $15,000 spa seems very, very expensive…by comparison.

During a consultation with Robert Cialdini it was mentioned that people who bought the $15,000 spa used it more than some rooms in their homes. The logical question was – how much would it cost to add an additional room to a home in Southern California? Most people said anywhere from $60,000 – $80,000. Ah ha! A potential new comparison point!

Dr. Cialdini advised the spa client to start the sales process with the $15,000 spa and weave the room addition question into the sales conversation. It might go something like this:

Salesperson – “Customers who bought the XP5000 spa love it. In fact, many say they use it as much or more than any room in their house and quite often use it to entertain. If you were to add a room to your home how much would that cost?”

Customer – “I don’t know, maybe $60,000 or $70,000.”

Salesperson – “Well I have good news. You don’t need to spend $60,000 or $70,000 to get that enjoyment because the XP5000 is only $15,000.”

And how well did this approach work? Sales for the high-end spa rose 520% in the three months following the change in sales approach. In the three months before the change, the company only sold five high-end spas. In the three months following the change they sold 26 spas!

No new advertising, no television commercials, and no price discounts were needed. All of those approaches would cost a good bit of money. Instead they simply tweaked their sales conversation to include a legitimate new point of comparison.

So for my salespeople out there, here’s your take away when dealing with the price objection – “There’s nothing high or low but comparing makes it so.” Look for legitimate comparison points then weave them into your sales conversation. If you have a good product that’s worth the asking price you should see sales take a nice jump up as you reframe how customers view your price.

Correct Ways to Respond to “Thanks!”

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I thought it only fitting to share some ideas about the right ways to respond to “Thanks,” seeing as this week Americans will be celebrating Thanksgiving.

A theme I repeat during the Principles of Persuasion workshop is this – small changes can make big differences. How you respond to “thank you” seems like a small thing but it can make a big difference to the other person.

During keynotes Dr. Robert Cialdini often shares a story about an Australian businessman who attended one of his conferences. Dr. Cialdini noticed the man visibly changed as he spoke. When they had an opportunity to talk the man shared a story.

He said he owned a software business located in Sydney and his largest client was in Melbourne, a distance of roughly 700 miles. This important client had a software problem so the business owner took his top two technicians and accompanied them on the trip. The good news was, they solved the problem rather quickly.

The IT director profusely thanked the man, noting how he, as the owner of the company, took time out of his busy schedule to make the trip along with his top two people. She said it was above and beyond her expectations. What the man did next sealed his fate because he never got any more business from this very important client!

Perhaps a little embarrassed by all the praise he said, “It was no big deal. We love to come to Melbourne. The nightlife is great as are the restaurants. Don’t think anything of it.”

Do you notice what he did? She felt his approach was above and beyond the call of duty. It made her feel special and he basically said, “You’re not special. We would do this for anyone to have the chance to come to Melbourne.”

Pay attention to how people respond to you when you thank them. I bet you get one of these responses at least 90% of the time:

  • “No problem.”
  • “No big deal.”
  • “Just doing my job.”
  • “I would have done it for anyone.”
  • Or worst of all, silence.

Strike each of these responses from your vocabulary! None of those does anything to engage the other person and make them feel special. It doesn’t matter how much effort it took you; what matters is what it meant to the other person.

I have a friend I used to reach out to for lunch every month. One day he thanked me and, not knowing anything about persuasion at the time, I replied, “It’s not that I’m such a nice guy; I’m just really good with my computer.” You see, I had set up a recurring task to remind me to call him at the beginning of each month. It was effortless for me BUT it meant a lot to him. I was fortunate he was a long-time friend because he responded graciously. I never forgot that exchange because was an “ah ha” moment for me about how to respond to “Thanks.”

How could I have responded to my friend? I should have said something like this; “Your friendship means a lot to me so I’m happy to reach out to you each month. I appreciate you making room in your schedule to get together consistently.”

How could the Sydney software executive have responded? Any of the following would have been better than his actual response:

  • “You’re one of our most important clients so I was happy to do this for you.”
  • “That’s what long-term partners do for one another. Thank you for trusting us.”
  • “That’s part of the great service you can expect when you deal with us. We appreciate you and your business.”

And how will you response next time someone thanks you?

  • “It would have killed an ordinary person but I was glad to risk it for you.” (People like humor)
  • “That’s part of the great service you can expect when you deal with me.”
  • “I was happy to do it. I appreciate you (or your business).”

So let’s wrap this up with a final thought. Thanksgiving is this week so let that day be a reminder for you as to how you should respond to “Thank you!” Use those opportunities to engage people in ways that make them feel special and even better about dealing with you. That added satisfaction will keep them coming back and increase the odds that they’ll share your fame with their friends and business associates.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Hey, it’s The ASSMAN!

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I love Seinfeld. It’s like Bugs Bunny, it doesn’t matter how many times I watch the show, it is always funny, and I catch little bits of humor I missed before.

One of my favorite episodes is “The Fusilli Jerry.” In that episode a subplot takes place when Kramer accidentally gets the personalized license plates for a local proctologist. As he drives around New York everyone recognizes the ASSMAN.

So, what does the ASSMAN have to do with you and me? Have you ever noticed how some people act as if they’re invisible when they’re in their car? They do things, mouth words, and sometimes use gestures they never would if they were standing next to you, looking you in the eye. The assumed privacy of a car removes some people’s inhibitions. In psychology this is called deindividuation.

Perhaps you’ve been the one who feels less inhibited and have done something you wouldn’t have if you’d been looking someone in the eye and they clearly could identify you.

I’ve been there before. In fact, one time on the way to work I knew someone wanted to get into my lane on the highway and I didn’t let them over. Eventually they merged in behind me. Then, as I got off the exit for work, they did also. When I pulled into my company parking lot, they did also. It turns out it was a coworker; someone I’d known for years. All it took was a glance and he knew it was me who didn’t let him over. I had been acting like the ASSMAN!

I was embarrassed and quickly sent an email apologizing. I told him I wished I could explain it away as a bad day, being in a rush, or something else, but I confessed that sometimes I’m just a jerk. My coworker sent back the nicest email and thanked me for apologizing!

Dale Carnegie says when you’re wrong admit it quickly and emphatically. When you admit weakness that’s actually a way to enhance your authority with another person because you build some credibility for being honest. Odd as it may seem, I think my relationship with that person got better because of that highway incident.

Today I’m the ASSMAN but for a different reason. I have personalized plates that read INFLUNC. No, I’m not a poor speller; I’m limited to seven letters on the license plate.

What I’m more conscious of now is how easy it is to be recognized. It’s not that people are saying, “Hey Influence Guy,” but it’s an easy license plate to spot and remember. As a result, I think I’m a much better, more courteous driver because I’d never want to meet someone and have him or her think, “You’re the jerk I saw on the highway!”

The more conscious we become of this fact – seldom do we operate in complete anonymity – the more likely we are to do the right thing. When we believe no one can tell it’s us, when we believe we can get away with something, many people take advantage. Several of the studies Dan Ariely cites in his book, The Honest Truth About Dishonesty, confirm this.

So, here’s a takeaway for those of you looking for positive change in some behavior. Make the choice to do something to create your own accountability. Something as simple as a sticker on your car, public commitment to friends and coworkers, or photos of your family in prominent places around the office can be the necessary first step to doing the right thing and avoid being known as the ASSMAN in some circles.

Undated 11/3/23

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 650,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

A Good Way to Spend a day in November

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This month’s guest post comes from South Korea’s
Hoh Kim. I met Hoh in early 2008 when we went through the Cialdini Method
Certified Trainer® training week together. In addition to his CMCT® Hoh
also has his masters in communication from Marquette University. Find out more
about Hoh by visiting his website, TheLab h, and his blog, Cool Communications.
I encourage you to reach out to him on LinkedIn, Facebook
and Twitter.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
A good way to spend a day in November
In December 2012, the Harvard Business Review published an interesting article titled “Your
Company’s History as a Leadership Tool,” by John T. Seaman Jr. and George David
Smith. In the article, there was a story about how Kraft Foods successfully
managed “fierce resistance to the acquisition” from Cadbury’s, a British
confectioner.
Many employees of Cadbury worried about the
loss of their long and valuable tradition. First of all, Kraft Foods respected
the tradition of Cadbury, and started to look for what they had in common. Their
research uncovered “similarities” in both companies in terms of their quality
tradition, founding spirit of giving back to the communities, brand history,
etc. They kept promoting the similarities via a new intranet they called “Coming
Together.” They also used training sessions, speeches, press releases, and so
on, and it proved quite effective in reducing the fear from Cadbury employees.
Earlier this year, I attended a presentation
workshop in San Francisco. There was a slide indicating the 12 most persuasive
words in the English language. 11 persuasive words from the number two through 12 were: Money, Save, New, Results, Health, Easy, Safety, Love, Discover, Proven,
and Guarantee. What would be the number one? It was YOU.
The word YOU as the most persuasive word gives
us pretty good insight and the Kraft Food case shows the lesson in action. Kraft
first respected the Cadbury’s tradition (YOU), and started to find what the two
companies had in common which allowed them to start to building trust based on
similarities – the principle of liking.
If Kraft Foods simply focused on its agenda
without thinking much about Cadbury’s tradition and concerns, the results surely
would have been different. Stewart Diamond, author of Getting More, and a negotiation expert from the Wharton School of Business
at the University of Pennsylvania, says the other party at the negotiation
table is the most important party, then
comes you or me.
Another way to describe the importance of the
other person comes from one of my favorite quotes from John C. Maxwell, “People
don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Let me change
this quote a bit to a persuasion context – “People will not be influenced by
you until they know how much you care about them.”
One of my friends who just joined a new firm asked
me how he can increase his influential power within the company for years to
come. As a Cialdini Method Certified Trainer®, my answer was simple – “Do not focus on you.
Focus on others. The best way you can increase your long-term influence is to
help others whenever it is possible and as much as possible. When someone asks
you to help, that’s an opportunity to increase your influential power. Help
them. They will reciprocate sooner or later.”
As we approach year-end, here’s a way you can
apply the lesson during November. Fix a day in November when you don’t have any
appointments. Here’s what you need: 1) your calendar, whether it is a Google
calendar or your diary, showing your schedule in 2013; 2) 20-30 thank you cards
or nice blank paper; 3) your contact list. Review your schedule from January through
October 2013 and list the top 20-30 people you want to thank. Write a brief,
authentic letter to each and try to include a short story that shows why you’re
truly thankful for each person. Show them that you sincerely care about them.
That will make them feel nice and warm and they will again support and help you
whenever they can moving forward.
Of course, what’s more important is this:
Every day or every week, even for five minutes, whenever you find someone you
can truly help, approach them and help them. You might not get back the direct
benefit of reciprocity, but, some of them will help others as they received
help from you. That will make a world better place to live. Click here to watch a short
video that exemplifies this.
Hoh
Hoh Kim
Founder, Head Coach & Lead Facilitator,
THE LAB h
Address: THE LAB h, 15F. Kyobo Bldg. Jongno 1,
Jongno,
Seoul 110-714, Korea
E-mail: hoh.kim@thelabh.com
Phone: 82-2-2010-8828

Web:
www.THELABh.com

They’re Among Our First Words

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If you’ve raised kids then you’ll surely remember the first words spoken by your children. For many the first word was “mama” or “papa.” I’ll bet a couple of words that followed rather quickly were “no” and “mine.”
The picture is clear – your cute, cuddly, loving child gives you a defiant stare one day and says, “No!” to your request. Or you ask them to share and you hear, “Mine!” Quite often tears followed.
You’re taken aback because you assumed only other people’s kids acted like that, not your sweet little Johnny or Susie. But alas, you’re child is no different and has displayed a part of humanity that’s within all of us. You see, kids who do this aren’t bad; they’re simply reacting to the psychological principle of scarcity.
This principle of influence tells us people want more of what they can’t have and more of things they perceive to be going away. When your child says “no” or “mine,” they’re reacting to what they perceive to be the threat of loss.
“No” usually comes after we’ve asked them to do something and they think they’ll lose the freedom to do what they want. For example, going to bed means losing the freedom to stay up and watch television.
“Mine” comes when we want them to give up something they think is theirs. An example would be; we want them to share the toy they’re playing with but that means they can’t play with it as much as they want. Sometimes they’re not even playing with the toy but once they feel they can’t play with it then they want it all the more.
This doesn’t change much as we grow older. I noticed this in myself not long ago. Our neighbor converted from a regular fireplace to gas and gave us his leftover firewood. He’d always allowed us to take whatever wood we needed but since he wouldn’t need it any longer we moved it from his yard to ours.
We used some throughout the spring so there wasn’t too much left and then one day Jane said another neighbor came and took some wood with her permission. I felt the sting of loss. In my mind I thought, “What?!” It was a selfish thought and as I analyzed why I felt that way this thought occurred to me – if we’d never “taken” the wood and just kept grabbing what we needed I never would have felt like I was losing something. Our neighbor giving it to us and then our moving it to our yard made it feel like it was mine. There it is, that word, “mine.” Suddenly someone else taking some wood – something they’d always done with our neighbor’s permission – made me feel like I lost something.
Quite often we label this as selfishness. Telling someone they’re being selfish probably isn’t the best way to motivate them to change. It’s like telling someone who performed badly, “You suck.” Would you feel like changing if you heard that all the time? Instead of changing you’d probably resent the person saying it. So what can you do?
First, recognize it in yourself. When we see our own shortcomings that usually makes us soften our approach to others.
Second, recognize the reaction you feel is a natural psychological phenomenon. Being motivated by scarcity, like many of the principles of influence, served a survival purpose at one point in time. It still serves a purpose today because there are certain opportunities we want to take advantage of before they go away.
Third, move away from the selfish label and use it as a learning opportunity.

 

Finally, praise your child when they
do the right thing. That might be sharing or it could be simply
doing whatever you ask even if it comes at a small cost to them. If your
request happens to cause an emotional outburst try to empathize with them about
making a hard choice.
These small changes can make big differences in how your child responds to you. You may not get the desired result right away but don’t give up. Take the long view and trust that taking these four simple steps will lead to much better communication between you and your child and that will pay big dividends in the long run.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

LinkedIn Endorsements: Reliable or BS?

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If you’re on LinkedIn then no doubt you’re
familiar with the relatively new feature where you can endorse someone for his
or her skills and expertise. This feature is akin to Facebook’s “Like” option.
Not too long ago I connected with someone on
LinkedIn who I’d previously had no interaction with whatsoever. The person
reached out to me because we shared a common interest.
Within hours of connecting he endorsed me for the following skills: management,
training, marketing, leadership, and business planning.
Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate someone
taking the time to endorse me but this struck me as odd because management and
business planning are far from some of my stronger skills. There are things I’m
much more skilled at, like persuasion, influence at all levels, coaching,
sales, and sales management to name a few.
So why did I get these endorsements? Several
reasons.
  • First, my profile is pretty robust and creates
    a good impression (authority).
  • Second, lots of other people have endorsed me
    (consensus).
  • Third, LinkedIn makes it easy to endorse me for lots of skills.

Now here’s the rub – a lot of the endorsements
are BS. I say that because of the last point I made. LinkedIn has made it so
easy to endorse people that it’s becoming meaningless. Recommendations are a
far better gauge of someone’s skills and expertise because they mean the
recommender has some direct experience with the person they’re recommending. Writing a recommendation takes more time and effort but didn’t our parents tell us things that take time
and effort are worth more? I have nearly 1,600 contacts and the vast majority
have never sat through my training, worked directly with me or even met me.

Another reason I think the endorsements are BS
is because LinkedIn suggests them. By default many people just go with most or
all of the listed skills even if they don’t have any real basis to make the
endorsement.
Finally, consensus becomes unreliable. For
example, my new contact endorsed me for management. It was suggested and now
that he’s endorsed me, as have others, it creates the impression that
management is one of my better skills. The more people that see that, the more they
will endorse me. Do you think that makes me skilled at management? I don’t.
Reciprocity
is yet another reason the endorsements should be taken with a grain of salt.
Many people feel obligated to return the favor after having been endorsed. I
visited my new contact’s home page when LinkedIn asked if he has the following
skills: management, marketing, business planning, economics and macroeconomics.
I don’t have any real idea and therefore can’t in good faith endorse him just
because of what’s on his LinkedIn page and the pull of reciprocity.
For all the reasons noted above, I rarely
endorse people. When I do, I do so because I have some basis for making the
endorsement, not because LinkedIn asks me to or because I feel obligated to
return the favor. I’ve actually declined to give recommendations when asked. I did so because I’d never worked directly with those people or even sat on a
committee with them. In other words, I had no basis for making the
recommendations.
If you’re considering hiring or doing business
with someone undoubtedly you’ll check out their LinkedIn home page. After all,
it’s the equivalent of a resume on steroids. When you notice their endorsed skills
and expertise, if any apply to why you may do business with them, then here’s my
simple suggestion: have several solid interview questions ready to help you
determine if they’re all they’re cracked up to be. In other words, caveat
emptor, buyer beware.
P.S. I went through my skills and endorsement
categories and removed all the ones I felt were not applicable.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Persuasion isn’t One of the Seven Dirty Words

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The late comedian George Carlin had a hilarious routine about the seven dirty words you couldn’t say on television. I won’t repeat the seven words, but I will say this; persuasion wasn’t one of those words! Having shared that, I realize some people link persuasion to sales and therefore have a negative reaction to it. I get it. After all, most people try to avoid salespeople like the plague because they feel they’ll be sold something they don’t want or need. However, let me say emphatically that ethical persuasion is not manipulative selling.

This is top of mind because not too long ago I had an interesting exchange with someone regarding persuasion after watching their video presentation online. The title of their presentation was How To Convince Your Clients, When Appropriate, To Have a Social Media Presence. After watching it I posted a comment on the website:

“I was disappointed because I never felt like you shared ways to persuade someone that using social media could be beneficial. Most of the commentary was about making sure the people you speak to already see some value but quite often we know businesses could benefit (even if they don’t see that currently) so I was hoping to hear insights into how to manage that discussion.”

His reply started off this way:

“I never try to persuade people to do anything. It is like trying to sell glasses to a blind man. You should never have to convince. You move on to people who get it, and in doing that the people who are not yet will become convinced as they see people they know, like and trust start to use social media.”

Really? You “never try to persuade people to do anything”? I wish I had his wife, kids, clients, boss, etc., because life would be easy. That’s one of the most foolish statements I’ve seen on the web in quite some time. We are persuading people every day. Whenever you ask someone to do something they’re not currently doing – kids and homework, spouse and chores, boss, and a raise, turning prospects into customers – you’re attempting to persuade. And like it or not, what you say and how you say it can make all the difference between yes or no.

I agree that some people are more ready to buy or change and some people are never ready. His example of selling glasses to a blind man would be old school, manipulative selling because in a situation like that the salesperson only cares about making the sale regardless of the need for the product. That’s unethical and not what I’m talking about when I write about or teach ethical persuasion.

Many people are in a ready state to buy or change but have multiple people attempting to convince them their product, service, or idea is the right one for them. In those cases, it’s usually the person who does the best job persuading that gets the yes answer.

Some people may not seem like they’re in a ready state but change their minds when someone persuades them otherwise. Here are two examples:

Steve Jobs. He created products no survey group said people wanted or needed. However, once he created a new product then said something like, “A thousand songs in your pocket,” everyone saw the possibilities and wanted it.

Life insurance. Most people who fail to buy life insurance don’t make that poor choice because they don’t need it. People don’t buy coverage because emotionally no one wants to think about death. Too often they convince themselves “it will never happen to me” or “I have plenty of time for that” so they focus on more pressing issues. I doubt a widower ever cursed a life insurance salesman for persuading the deceased spouse to purchase a life policy.

Aristotle said persuasion was “the art of getting someone to do something they wouldn’t ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.” If everyone were doing what we wanted we’d never have to persuade. Instead, we could sit back and enjoy life as it unfolds but you and I know that’s not the case. Not a day goes by where everyone does what you want because they just “get it.” Knowing that you might want to sharpen up your persuasion skills a bit otherwise you’ll have a hard time getting people to do what you want.

So let me end with this – persuasion isn’t a dirty word. Persuasion is a skill where you understand how people think and act then adjust your communication accordingly. Like so many other skills it can be used for good or bad but that says more about the person attempting to persuade than it does the act of persuasion itself.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.