Tag Archive for: Influence PEOPLE

Free is Great Except When We Don’t Want What’s Being Offered

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Normally people go nuts for free stuff. It
seems like ads touting “Buy one get one free,” or “25% more for free” cause
shoppers to almost salivate. I bet you’ve been places where things were being
given away for free and you found yourself taking items (pens, card holders,
travel mugs, post it notes, etc.) that ended up in the trashcan within weeks of
getting home. And still, we take the goods because they’re free. After all, you
can’t loose by taking advantage of free…or can you?
Have you ever ordered something on Amazon for
less than $25 then found yourself ordering another book or item just to bump
you over the threshold in order to take advantage of the free shipping? I bet
you have and you probably ended up spending $33-$38 in total. Sure, you
convinced yourself you needed that extra book or CD but in reality you would
not have purchased it were it not for the enticement of the free shipping.
Dan Ariely highlights our obsession with “free”
things in his book Predictably Irrational
in a chapter he calls “The Cost of Zero Cost: Why We Often Pay Too Much When We
Pay Nothing.” He convincingly shows readers sometimes they end up worse off
because of free.
The obsession with free has its limits and
this came to light recently with Apple’s promotion with the Irish rock band U2.
It seemed innocent enough, and generous of Apple and U2, to have the band’s
latest album, Songs of Innocence,
automatically added to the iTunes library of some 500 million people.
Unfortunately for both, many subscribers didn’t appreciate the free album and
voiced their opinion rather loudly on social media. In fact, there was an
article titled Free U2 album: How the most
generous giveaway in music history turned PR disaster. Ouch!
I think what was missed by Apple and U2 in
their well-intentioned giveaway was this – free isn’t really free if it’s not
freely chosen. While there may have been no purchase cost for the album, people
lost their freedom to choose whether or not they wanted to add it to their
libraries. In other words, forced isn’t free no matter how good the intention.
What should they have done instead? In my
opinion offering the album for free for a limited time would have enticed many
people to take advantage of the giveaway. Think about it; U2 is an iconic band
that’s done a lot of good for people across the globe through charitable work
that could only have come about because of their fans. They could have
positioned the opportunity for the free album as their way of saying thanks. I’m
sure each band member is probably set for life financially so they don’t need
the money and could have really made a splash.
By putting a timeframe on it they would have
engaged the principle scarcity, which would have caused many people to want the album even
more and act quickly. This is important because when things are free and
abundant we usually don’t value them nearly as much as when they are restricted
in some way. Think about air and water. Without air we die within minutes and
without water we won’t survive for very long either. There may not be two
things more necessary for life and yet they are an afterthought for most
people…until they’re in short supply. When that happens we’d pay more for
either than just about anything else in the world because our lives might be at
stake.
I don’t think Apple or U2 deserved the intense
backlash they got but let it be a lesson to all of us – no matter how beloved
we, our company, our products/services, may be, never infringe on people’s
freedom to choose. Understanding that and correctly positioning a gift could
make all the difference in how it’s received and how we’re perceived.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Customer Service Done Wrong, Then Right

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As amazing as it is to me and to my wife,
Jane, our little girl Abigail started college this year. In preparation for the
big event we did what many parents do – we took her out to buy a new laptop.
Despite my love for Apple products Abigail didn’t want a MacBook so we headed
to Best Buy in search of the right machine for her.
With the help of a friend of Abigail’s who
worked at Best Buy, we found the right laptop and the whole buying experience
was a good one. Unfortunately things changed just over a month later.
One night I asked Abigail how her laptop was
working she said it was slow and ads kept popping up. I ran the antivirus
software and it seemed to do the job except after rebooting, the laptop froze.
Despite all of my attempts and research online I could not get the laptop
working again so we decided to head back to Best Buy the next day to see if
they could help.
The same young man who sold us the machine was
working so I explained the issue. He tried several times to reboot the laptop
but to no avail. He said we probably needed a new laptop but he’d have to talk
to his manager first.
He came back and said because we were out for
the 30-day warranty period (it was 42 days) the manager was willing to give us
a new laptop if we would buy the one-year Geek Squad protection package. I had
declined that option when we bought the original laptop because generally warranties
like that never get used and are extremely overpriced.
The offered bothered me for several reasons.
First, it was the most expensive laptop in the store so 30-day warranty or not,
it shouldn’t stop working after just 40 days. Second, and more importantly, was
the fact that I’ve shopped at that particular Best Buy for more than a dozen
years buying televisions, PCs, laptops and other electronic items. With that in
mind here was my reply:
“So what you’re telling me is I have to pay
$200 for the new laptop. Tell your manager I’m willing to do it but here’s the
deal; I’ll never shop here again. Let him know I’ve bought several televisions,
PCs, laptops and other things over the years but I will never buy another thing
from Best Buy again. So if that’s acceptable then we have a deal.”
In case you didn’t realize it, I was using the
principle
of scarcity by letting them know what they stood to lose if they didn’t
remove the $200 Geek Squad stipulation. I wanted them to think about the
lifetime value of a customer like me.
Soon after I met the manager and he said he’d
looked at my purchase history and saw I’d bought televisions, PCs and much more
at the store. He said I was a platinum customer and they usually extend
warranties to 45 days for customers like me. It was BS.
I don’t blame the salesperson because they
have rules that define what they can and cannot do in certain situations. I do
think stores should empower front line salespeople for just such situations and
provide training so they’re confident those employees are making good decisions
for the customer and store.
In this case I think the manager did a poor
job because he ended up giving me some better antivirus software, which was a $50
value. Think about this for a moment; in then end the store paid me $50 to get
the new laptop and I still wasn’t happy. If they’d have handled the situation
differently they could have made it a very pleasant experience and had me
singing their praises. Here’s what they should have done:
First, review my purchase history. Once they
saw my history they should have assumed I would probably continue buying more
items because my disposable income is increasing as I get older.
Next, the manager should have said, “Mr.
Ahearn, I see you’ve shopped with us for more than a dozen years and purchased
several televisions, PCs and other electronic items. Normally we’re pretty firm
about the 30-day warranty but because of your loyalty we’re happy to make an exception
for you in this case.”
Last, to seal the deal he could have delighted
me in an unexpected way. “Mr. Ahearn, I’d like to do something extra for you so
there’s no chance of you experiencing this issue again. I’m going to give you a
year of antivirus protection, a $50 value, for free. How does that sound?”
Had he done what I suggested, he’d have used
several principles of influence and made me happy about the whole experience.
Doing something for me that’s not normally done for every customer – extending
the warranty to 45 days – would have been an application of scarcity which
would have made me value the deal even more. Throwing in the antivirus software
would have engaged reciprocity,
making me want to shop there more. Reciprocity would have been strengthened
because giving me the antivirus software was meaningful ($50 value), customized
(specific to the issue we ran into) and unexpected (we’d have been happy with
just getting a new laptop).
If you’re in sales here are a few takeaways.
  • Research your customer’s buying history before
    making any offers.
  • Consider the lifetime value of a customer.
  • When you’re making an exception, let the
    customer know it so they feel like they’re getting special treatment.
  • If you want to sweeten the deal, do so in a
    way that highlights why your extra step is good for the customer.
  • Lastly, consider the most effective ways to
    use the principles of influence when interacting with customers.

 

Follow these simple steps and you’ll delight
customers rather than make them feel they have to battle with you in order to
get you to do the right thing.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

Win or Lose, You Can Do Better!

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A few months ago I had the pleasure of
addressing nearly three dozen lawyers. I know some of you are thinking “pleasure”
and “lawyers” don’t always go hand in hand. However, in this case it really was
a pleasure because the topic was a one-hour overview of influence for legal
professionals. It was my first time talking with attorneys and it was much
different, and a bit more challenging, than working with supervisors, managers
and salespeople.
A bit of irony is one description used to
define the principles of influence. They’re often referred to as proven rules
or laws governing human behavior. Personally I shy away from calling them laws (even
though I was talking to lawyers) because when I think about laws, such as the
law of gravity, they describe phenomenon that will happen each and every time
unless an outside force intercedes in some way.
The principles of influence will not get a yes
response each and every time, even in the sterile environment of a campus
laboratory. It becomes more problematic in the real world because of the myriad
of outside forces. With that in mind, when I talk with audiences I generally
tell them the principles are proven rules for human behavior. I emphasize if
they’re used ethically and correctly they will lead to yes responses more
often. I’m confident of that because more than six decades of research from
social psychologists and behavioral economists proves this. We could call the
principles “brain rules” because they describe how people typically think and behave
in different situations.
As noted above, the attorney crowd was challenging.
They asked very pointed questions about using liking with juries, admitting
weakness in a case, looking for common ground with opposing attorneys and even how
the principles work when raising kids.
At one point during my talk I described the principle of scarcity – we value things
more when they’re rare or diminishing. Then I segued into a concept known as “loss
aversion.” Loss aversion labels the truth that people hate to lose and when we
think we’re going to lose we take steps to avoid that. If you’re a football fan
think about the “prevent defense.” When a team gets up on the opposing team and
time is winding down quite often the team in the lead changes what they’re
doing because the thought isn’t about winning as much as it is about not
losing. All too often the team playing from behind throws caution to the wind,
gambles and ends up winning. It’s quite frustrating for the fans of the team
that used the prevent defense and that’s why so many joke about how it prevents
your team from winning!
Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky studied loss
aversion and came to the conclusion that most people feel the pain of loss
anywhere from 2.0-2.5 times more than the joy of gaining the very same thing.
This is probably why the sting of a loss in a big game stays with us so much
longer than the joy we feel when our team wins the big game.
After my presentation a few attorneys came up
to talk with me and one of them shared something profound. He said he rarely
thinks back on cases he won but he dwells on the ones he loses. Could it be
that’s why we learn so much in defeat as opposed to victory?
I often tell salespeople whether you win the
sale or lose it you should learn from the experience. If you win, what did you
do that you can replicate into future success? When you lose, analyze what you
could have done better then look for ways to change going forward.
Victory is usually celebrated with little
reflection and losses are replayed over and over in our minds. It’s just how
we’re wired. But, the best athletes work on doing things right and commit as
much of their game to “muscle memory” as possible. They become so conditioned through
practice that they barely have to think in order to execute properly during
their chosen sport.
We can learn from the elite athletes. Next
time you win – whether in business, sports, or life in general – discipline
yourself to take time to figure out why and look for ways to build on that. The
more you repeat winning behaviors the more like you are to repeat as a winner.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Bribes, Rewards or Gifts – Which is Best?

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One Saturday morning, after a run and workout, I looked forward to a bagel and an egg over easy for breakfast. As I settled in with my meal and flipped through the news channels, something on the news caught my eye. It was a story on parenting.

One mom talked about “bribing” her kids. She told her teenage daughter she’d take her to Disney World if she got all As on her next report card. Another parent said no way would he bribe his kids to do chores or get good grades. The last parent said she uses both techniques at different times.

Obviously, none of the parents understood much about what social psychology has to say about influencing behavior. The rewards the parents were offering (there were more examples than just Disney World) work to some degree. That’s why so many businesses use rewards to motivate behavior. However, studies show quite often that engaging the principle of reciprocity can be more effective and cost a lot less.

One study I share during my workshops has to do with a health insurance company wanting to see if they could get a better response from owners of construction companies on their health questionnaire. With one group of business owners they offered a $50 reward for completing the questionnaire. With the rest of the business owners they sent a $5 check acknowledging their time was valuable and they appreciated them taking time to complete the questionnaire.

And what were the results? You’d think the $50 offer being 10 times more would definitely get a better response but it didn’t. Only 23% of those offered the big reward filled out the questionnaire but 52% who were given the $5 gift up front complied with the request. So, the response was more than twice as much in the gift scenario and there was a huge savings depending on exactly how many people cashed the $5 check. If every person, including those who didn’t fill out the questionnaire, cashed the check, the savings would be 57%. If only those who completed the questionnaire cashed the check the health company would have saved 77%! No matter how you look at it, more than doubling the response at a substantial savings is the smart business decision.

Sometimes giving something small up front engages reciprocity and the other person feels it’s only right to repay the favor. Here’s a personal example with my daughter, Abigail. When she was about 15 she was a typical teenage girl. She didn’t want to do things that were physically hard and would make her sweat … like cutting the grass. I was going to be traveling and knew I’d need her help with the lawn while I was away. I also knew if I tried to negotiate I’d lose. Had I said, “Abigail, I’ll give you a $10 a week raise in your allowance if you’ll cut the grass when I need it,” she would have said, “No thanks dad, I don’t like money that much.” Then I would have either had to significantly increase my offer or pull the parent card and force her to cut the grass. Neither approach would have been good because she would resent me or make me a lot poorer.

What I did instead was give her the $10 raise without asking for anything in return. When she asked why I was giving her the raise I told her reasons I believe she’d legitimately earned it. About a week later I was going on a trip and asked if she would cut the grass. Initially she hesitated and gave me a look but before we got any further I said, “Come on Abigail, I gave you a raise in your allowance and didn’t ask for anything. Can’t you help me out?” She said she’d cut the grass and has ever since – without arguing – whenever I’ve needed her help. And here’s the best part – for Christmas last year one of my gifts was a card with grass cutting coupons…and I don’t even give her an allowance anymore!

As noted earlier, rewards do change behavior and that’s why they’re so prevalent in business. However, much of the time we can get the behavior change we want and spend a lot less by ethically and correctly engaging reciprocity.

APPLICATION: This week take a look at instances in which you reward people for behavior and see if you can engage reciprocity instead by freely giving up front. Then, next time you need a favor just ask for their help. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many say “Yes” and that it cost you a lot less.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Influencers from Around the World – One Great Question to Ask: Lessons from Marshall Goldsmith and Patrick Lencioni

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This month the “Influencers from Around the
World” post comes all the way from South Korea thanks to Hoh Kim. Hoh and I met
in Arizona early 2008 when we went through training together to earn our Cialdini
Method Certified Trainer designations. To learn more about Hoh visit his
website, The Lab h, and his blog, Cool Communications. You can also find Hoh on
Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® 
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
One Great Question to Ask: Lessons from 
Marshall
Goldsmith and Patrick Lencioni
How you communicate your weaknesses can define
whether you’re trustworthy or not, according to Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the
world’s foremost expert on the science of influence. Without trustworthiness,
we cannot have true authority in the eyes of others. Many leadership experts
also express a similar concept.
Everyone talks about the importance of trust.
But, do we know how to act to build trust as a leader? Patrick Lencioni, the
author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,
shared some excellent insight. According to Lencioni, when we use the word
“trust,” it normally means “predictable trust.” For example; I know one of my
team members will do a good job, as she or he has been a good performer in the
past. However, Lencioni suggested that leaders should practice what he called
“vulnerability-based trust.” Leaders cannot be strong in every aspect, which
means they also have weaknesses. Leaders should first know what their
weaknesses are, and they should feel comfortable disclosing them to their team.
Leaders shouldn’t be defensive. Instead Lencioni wrote, “In essence, teammates
must get comfortable being vulnerable with one another.”
Everyone talks about the importance of
feedback in developing people. However, Marshall Goldsmith, one of the noted
experts in leadership development, emphasized the importance of “feedforward.”
Feedback is about your behavior in the past and feedforward is about suggestions
for the future behavior. Feedback is in the rear view mirror, while feedforward
is looking into the windshield. To drive your car you have to pay attention to
windshield, what lay ahead, not the rear view mirror, which only shows what is
behind.
We all have areas of improvement in our
workplace. If you could choose one area for improvement over the next year,
what will it be? Better listening? Faster decision-making? Better emotional
management? Whatever it is, acknowledge your weaknesses to your team members.
You won’t be seen as a loser. If you stay in your weaknesses you might be
viewed as a loser but when you acknowledge a weakness candidly, and ask for feedforward
from your members and colleagues, you will be seen as a more trustworthy
individual.
When you acknowledge weaknesses and ask for feedforward
you make a public commitment to improve. By utilizing the principle of consistency, one of the Dr. Cialdini’s six principles of influence, you will
have a better chance to actually experiencing progress.
How do you ask for feedforward? Take the
Marshall Goldsmith’s advice and simply say, “I want to be better at (listening,
for example). How can I be a better listener?” If your colleagues suggest
something, don’t defend yourself, just respond with a sincere, “Thank you.”
As we approach the end of 2014, it is a good
idea to practice feedforward with you wife, husband, or significant others. Do
you want to be a better spouse? Let me share one of my secrets to be a better spouse.
Once a year I ask to my wife, “Honey, how can I be a better husband? What can I
do better to be a better husband?” So far, my wife has never asked me to buy her
things like a diamond ring or luxury clothing or high-end handbags. She just
loves to be asked.
Hoh Kim, CMCT® 
Founder, Head Coach & Lead Facilitator,
THE LAB h

www.THELABh.com

Make Requests Like a Persuasion Expert

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Persuasion is all about moving people to action. Aristotle defined it as “the art of getting someone to do something they would not ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.” The bottom line when  it comes to persuasion is getting someone to do something. How we communicate can make all the difference between a “Yes” or “No” response.

Most of the time people are directive, telling instead of asking, when they want something. For example:

  • Clean your room.
  • Fax me the authorization form.
  • Get me the sales numbers.

Each request is direct and to the point. The communication may be clear but unfortunately people don’t like to be told what to do. And none of the statements above requires a response, which means the recipient of the message might hear what’s being said but think to himself or herself, “No” without ever having to say it.

Each of us makes requests of people daily, and the science of influence tells us with certainty there are better ways to structure our communication if we want to hear “Yes” more often. If you want to make a request like a persuasion expert follow this simple formula:

R = W + T + B + R + D

Request = What + Timeframe + Because + Reason + Downside

Here’s an example using the formula: Would you get me the authorization form by this afternoon because without it I can’t proceed any further on your claim, which will delay your payment by several more days?

A number of persuasive techniques are used in the example above so let’s dissect each part.

“Would you” – Adding these two words turns the statement into a question and engages the principle of consistency. A question like this demands a response and once someone says “Yes,” the likelihood they’ll do what you want has gone up significantly.

“by this afternoon” – These three words ensure you’ll get what you want within a timeframe that’s acceptable to you instead of being left to chance. If someone says they can’t get it within the allotted time you can engage reciprocity. Immediately upon hearing no, if you put out a new timeframe (i.e., How about by tomorrow afternoon?) your odds of hearing “Yes” have just gone up because most people are willing to meet us part way after we’ve first conceded a little bit.

“because” – One study showed a 50% increase in “yes” responses when a request was tagged with “because” and a reason was given. This even worked when the reason was bogus! We’re conditioned from childhood to almost mindlessly do what we’re told when “because” is used. Do you remember your parents ever saying, “Because I said so!” in response to your asking why you had to do something? We’ve all been there and maybe you’ve used that phrase yourself.

“I can’t proceed any further on your claim, which will delay your payment” – This invokes the principle of scarcity. People are much more motivated by the thought of losing something as opposed to gaining the same thing. In this instance the person knows they won’t be paid until they’ve done what’s being asked. This is much more effective than saying, “As soon as I get it, I’ll proceed on the claim, and you’ll get paid.”

Once more compare the two requests for the same thing:

Fax me the authorization form.

vs.

Would you get me the authorization form by this afternoon
because without it I can’t proceed any further on your claim,
which will delay your payment?

Next time you need something from someone, or you need them to do something remember to structure your request by asking instead of telling. Let them know what you want and when you need it by. Tag your request with “because” and a legitimate reason. Finally, let them know what happens if they don’t do what’s asked…the downside. Follow this simple approach and you’re sure to hear “Yes” more often.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Hear “Yes”.

Is Rock ‘n Roll Dead or Just More Great Artists?

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A friend shared a Rolling Stones article on Facebook not long ago by the former lead singer of KISS, Gene Simmons. The article was titled, Rock is Finally Dead. It was Murdered. In one section Simmons laments, “Where’s the next Bob Dylan?

Where’s the next Beatles? Where are the songwriters? Where are the creators?” He goes on to blame file sharing and the attitude of the current generation of young people because they feel they should not have to pay for music.

I posted the following comment to my friend who was a rock musician in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. “I’m not too into music, nothing like you were back in the day, so here’s my question – Could it be that there are more talented musicians who are exposed to the world thanks to social media? More supply with stagnant demand would lead to lower prices. I ask because I’ve come across some really talented people who’ve often made me wonder why they didn’t make it as big as others who don’t seem to possess any more talent. Thoughts?”

His reply, “Definitely something to how fragmented the market is now that the tools to record and promote are in the hands of the masses. There isn’t the same shared experience as when the industry controlled things. But that being said, where is the new AC/DC? Who is this generation’s Led Zeppelin? These acts will never be replaced, but who is picking up where they left off? Where are the huge acts? It’s never been about talent as much as what rock-n-roll meant, the experience, the songs. LONG LIVE ROCK!”

The contrast phenomenon alerts us to the reality that we always make comparisons to other things. Was Led Zeppelin a great band? Many would say so in comparison to other bands past and present. However, some might say the Beatles or U2 are more iconic compared to Led Zeppelin. What music and musicians we like has a lot to do with our musical taste and comparison points.
I’m at the tail end of the Baby Boomer generation. We love rock ‘n roll because we grew up on it as did some of our parents. But when Bill Haley and The Comets introduced rock ‘n roll to the world, many folks of that era thought it was trash. They preferred the soothing sounds of Frank Sinatra, the Glen Miller Band and many other musicians from the ‘30s, ‘40s and ‘50s.

It’s quite natural for us to make comparisons. It’s also normal for each generation to believe theirs (music, movies, books, art, athletes, etc.) was the best and that the current crop has lost their way.

As I told my friend, the more musicians and sounds I’m exposed to the more I wonder why some acts make it big and some don’t. It’s not always about talent because many would say Gene Simmons and KISS weren’t talented musicians, just great showmen.

Golfers play 72 holes in a PGA tournament and one or two strokes, after 280 to 290 shots, is typically the difference between winning and losing. Win a handful of tournaments and a player is deemed a star even though he’s barely better (as measured by stroke average) than most other golf professionals.

Unlike having to qualify for tournaments, when it comes to certain artistic talents – like music – social media has knocked down many barriers to entry. More supply means people pay less, even if some new acts are better than the old ones, because we have more to choose from and it’s easier to find what suits us best. We see the same phenomenon with self-publishing books.

With more books on the market to choose from there will be fewer and fewer books that excite the masses than perhaps 50 or 100 years ago when there was less to choose from. That might lead to fewer classics in the future. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean the writers are any less talented. Some might contend they’re more talented because it takes even more to stand out now.

So, what does all of this have to do with persuasion? Each of us competes in the marketplace. For some it’s finding a mate, for some it’s on the athletic field, others it’s business. Whatever we do, wherever we do it, the challenge is to rise above the rest.

  • Why will someone want to hire you over the other bright young college grads?
  • Why should someone buy your music over the other artists?
  • What makes you stand out in your chosen field?

Until you can answer these questions, you’ll be perceived just like all the others because people will be making comparisons.

Your goal has to be to highlight your uniqueness. It’s a form of scarcity. What do you bring to the table, or what combination of things do you bring to the table, that will make someone realize they can’t get what you offer anywhere else. Once you convey that to the right people you’ll stand out. You may not be the next AC/DC, Rolling Stones or Beach Boys, but you’ll probably find your place and enjoy your lifestyle all the same.

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE
Helping You Hear “Yes”.

Look for the Best in Others and Change Your Experience

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“You only love me because you make yourself think good thoughts about me,” Jane said one day while in a blue mood. I don’t recall everything surrounding that particular conversation but I never forgot her statement. I replied, “Is that so bad?”

We all experience love differently. We meet someone and “fall in love” but for those who’ve been in long-term relationships you know those initial feelings of love dissipate and change over time. After years you find yourself loving your partner for different reasons than those at the top of the list when you fell for them.

Unlike mere attraction or infatuation I believe love is a choice. To Jane’s statement, I do choose to dwell on her best qualities. I don’t deny there are things she does that bother me, that I’d like her to change, but then she would probably have a much longer list of things I should change! However, that’s not why I keep my mouth shut and choose to focus on the positive. I focus on the positive because I do believe it makes me love her more.

The Apostle Paul knew this to be true when he encouraged the church at Philippi, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

When it comes to influence and the principle of liking – we prefer to say “Yes” to those we know and like – a way to trigger this principle into action is by focusing on what we have in common with others and offering up genuine compliments. When we focus on these two topics we’re generally looking for what we’d consider the good in another person. Not only do they come to like us more, we come to like them more at the same time. After all, the person who cheers for your team, comes from your hometown, enjoys the same hobbies as you, can’t be all bad, right?

A quick reread of Predictably Irrational by behavioral economist and Duke professor Dan Ariely sparked my thoughts on this post as I looked over chapter 10 on expectations. What we think about something or someone before encountering the item or person can dramatically impact our experience.

Remember the old “Pepsi Challenge” taste test? In blind taste tests people seemed to prefer Pepsi over Coke, including many Coke drinkers! However, when people knew they tasted Pepsi and Coke many people, especially the Coke drinkers, preferred Coke!

How can this be if they tasted the very same drinks in each taste test? It’s because knowing you’re drinking Coke, especially when you have positive associations with the brand, impacts your experience. Brain imaging studies in conjunction with the taste tests clearly show the brand association impacts a different region of the brand than the taste sensation and results in a change to the overall experience.

As I considered Ariely’s writing, Jane’s statement, and my understanding of the psychology of persuasion, it made perfect sense that our expectations impact our experience. As noted above, there are things I’d like to see Jane change but dwelling on those versus the qualities I love about her would be a waste of time and energy. If I focused on what she needs to change it’s a sure bet I would not enjoy her company as much as I do when focusing on the qualities I love.

Pondering all of this I realized something else I’d done that was helpful; a simple idea I began using years ago. In my iTunes library, among the many playlists I have, is a playlist titled “Jane.” It contains songs that bring back good memories we’ve experienced, songs that make me thing about her in ways that make my heart beat faster. Hearing songs that make us think of our loved ones isn’t a novel idea but perhaps creating playlists to positively influence your thoughts about a loved one is novel for you.

Wouldn’t you agree that listening to music that makes you think positively about your spouse on the way home, before a date night or while getting ready to spend time together would create positive expectations that would make for a better time together? In my experience it absolutely has!

So here’s my suggestion. Science tells us our expectations will impact our experience as will the choice to offer compliments and connect on similarities. Next time you get ready to be with your spouse, partner, or someone else with whom you have a relationship, make the choice to do what Paul said 2000 years ago; focus on the good in whatever way makes sense for you. It will make things better for everyone.

 

Influencers from Around the World – A Short Course in Human Relations

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This month our Influencers from Around the World guest post comes from someone who is familiar to long-time readers of Influence PEOPLE – Anthony McLean. Anthony is Australia’s one and only Cialdini Method Certified Trainer (CMCT®). He heads up the Social Consulting Group where he teaches people about the principles of influence. I encourage you to reach out to Anthony on LinkedIn and Twitter to learn more from him.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
 
 
A Short Course in Human Relations
A past participant of the
Principles of Persuasion Workshop sent me the important message below. His name
is Peter, and he pointed out “There’s
plenty of ‘POP’ in this.” Of course
he was right.
Let’s break it down one line at a
time and let me show you why there is so much of Dr. Robert Cialdini’s
Principles of Persuasion in this short piece.
The six
most important words – I admit that I was wrong.
In the Principles of Persuasion Workshop we teach the Principle of
Authority which says we look to those with extra knowledge or
wisdom on a topic to guide our thinking when we are not sure what we should do.
As part of being an Authority you must be seen as credible and one of the most
important elements to being credible is being trustworthy. If I was to try to take
advantage of you, I would never admit a mistake, let you know I got something
wrong or was lacking in some area of my product or service. But an Authority never hides from weaknesses. They
admit when they are wrong. Why? Because they know how to make it better. So remember,
it’s a mistake to hide a mistake. Admit it, and admit it quickly, then set
about explaining how you intend to make it right. If you don’t, one of your
competitors will highlight it and then your credibility is gone.
The Five
most important words – You did a great job.
Everybody likes to be told they
have done a great job. These five simple words go a long way to triggering the Principle of Liking. Praise is something
that when given genuinely and selectively is a truly valuable tool in building,
repairing and maintaining relationships with others. Therefore don’t throw
praise around all of the time so it becomes common and of little substance. Give
your praise when it is deserved, make it specific and give it genuinely. If at
work delivering praise directly is inappropriate consider influencing the
influencers and deliver the praise indirectly to the person’s boss, colleague
or friends and allow them to deliver the message for you.
The four
most important words – What do you think?
On the face of it you may ask, how
does this question relate to persuasion? The answer is, all too often people
make statements but they don’t ask questions. Firstly this is poor form because
it is more aligned to ordering rather than engaging and, secondly, when you
make statements you remove one very important element from the interaction –
the ability of someone to commit to something. The Principle of Consistency says we encounter
personal and interpersonal pressure to remain consistent with previous
commitments or decisions we have made. If you ask me a question and allow me to
answer, it provides me the opportunity to make a commitment; publicly voicing
my ideas and actively committing toward a course of action. In your next
meeting, think about the questions you ask. Craft well-constructed questions
and give others the opportunity to answer them. Telling someone what to do or
making statements does nothing to engage their intrinsic motivators to drive
the situation forward.
The three
most important words – Could you please…
This line is an interesting one,
firstly because the Principle of Reciprocity says we are obliged to
give back to those who have given to us first. A nuance to the principle is, if
you are struggling to build a relationship with someone, ask him or her to do
you a favor. In doing so they need to have a shift in thinking because we don’t
do things for people we don’t like.  Therefore
by asking them to do you a favor moves them in your direction ever so slightly and
allows for a relationship to commence.
The second point I would make is
to refine the statement. “Could you” and “Can you” are permission statements.
They seek to gain permission or acknowledgement. The problem is if I say to my eight-year-old
son, “Could you clean up your room?” and he says, “Yes,” is he actually
committing to clean his room or is he just saying, “Yes I can, but no I won’t.”?
Therefore in seeking to gain a
commitment to trigger the Principle of Consistency. ask people active questions
that gain a commitment such as “Will you…” then wait for the answer.
The two
most important words – Thank you.
Thanking someone is not only
polite, it’s an important element in building and maintaining healthy
relationships. Therefore when someone does something that you appreciate be
sure to tell them and acknowledge their contributions. Doing so invests in the
relationship and can trigger the Principle of Reciprocity.
The other thing is when someone
thanks you for something you have done you must learn to accept genuine thanks
differently. If someone delivers a heartfelt thank you and you say “no problem”
or “I would have done it for anyone” you are devaluing the relationship. You
are in effect saying, “You are not that important to me and neither is this
relationship.”
Therefore, from now on listen for
genuine thanks from others and recognise it as an opportunity to acknowledge
the relationship you have and highlight that it is not over. Anything you say
will be better than “no problem,” but you must do a better job of accepting
thanks when it is genuinely given.
The most
important word – We.
The fastest and easiest way to
describe a relationship is through the pronoun “we.” It highlights you are
working together and you have things in common. Listen to when people use “we”
in a conversation and they may just tell you when they start to see you are in
a functional, working relationship with them, all through the use of the word
“we.”
One word of warning though; don’t
use “we” too early in a relationship or with someone you have just met to
describe the two of you – it can come off as not genuine and a tactic rather
than a true reflection of your relationship with the person. Let the
relationship build and use “we” when appropriate to do so.
The least
important word – I.
The biggest mistake I see when
reviewing emails, copy and websites for clients is the text is all about the
persuader and not about the person or group they are seeking to persuade. A
very simple test is to do a word search and see how many times you use “I” as
opposed to the other person’s name or even the words you, your or yours. If you
talk about yourself more than the other person or group of people you have
missed the mark.
The other thing is they should
always appear in your email before you do. I am not talking about their name in
the greeting but in the first line. If you start off with,

Hi Brian,

I want to
write you about the new product I am bringing to the market….

This is wrong – it’s all about
you. Instead put them and their needs first. Such as:

Hi Brian,

It was
great to have met you at the conference and to listen to your thoughts on the
new policy change impacting our organisation. You may be interested in a new
product we are launching. Based on your comments I think it will help you…..

Therefore for a bunch of short
sentences I will paraphrase my friend Peter and say, “There is a lot of POP in
them!”

 

Anthony McLean, CMCT

The Scoop on Ice Cream and Persuasion

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I’ve traveled a lot this year and have a lot more trips coming up. If my travel schedule plays out, I’ll have been on the road half of the weeks this year and spent at least 50 nights in hotels. Think about that – 10 weeks away from my family! Some days have entailed hitting the road by 4 a.m. to catch early morning flights and arriving home close to midnight. If you travel you know if can be tiring!

Last month, as I waited to catch an evening flight home I got a text from my daughter, Abigail, asking if I wanted to get some ice cream at Graeter’s when I landed because she wanted to tell me about her first days of college. Despite being tired I agreed because I don’t view such times as a sacrifice; rather it was an investment in her and our relationship.

As we waited in line, I tried to decide what flavor I was in the mood for and whether I’d go with a single scoop or a double. If you’ve been to Graeter’s you know the ice cream is great, but you pay a premium for it!

As I looked at the menu, I saw a single scoop cone was $2.95, and a double was $4.25. I thought, “I just bought a half gallon of really good Homemade ice cream for just over $5,” so I was reluctant to get two scoops at that price. The other thought that raced through my head was, “That’s almost twice as much.” When you do the math, you know it’s not twice as much, but my mind quickly registered the $2.95 and $4.25 as $2 vs. $4 because those are the numbers each price started with.

Something else that came into play as I decided what to do was the fact that I was still a little full from dinner a few hours ago. I decided to skip the cone to save a few calories, so I asked for a single scoop in a cup. The server said, “Would you like a second scoop for just 50 cents more?” I recall thinking, “For 50 cents why not, that’s a good deal?” because in my mind the option of going from one to two scoops was twice as much ice cream but not at double the price.

As it turns out, the single scoop in a cup was $3.75 and two scoops were $4.25…the same prince as the two scoops in a cone that I’d just decided to pass on! It was only a 50-cent difference but in the end, I got two scoops…no cone…and paid the same amount I’d mentally rejected moments before!

I read lots of books on the subject of persuasion, pricing, etc., and yet I ended up in the very place I was initially trying to avoid. Before you chuckle, I can assure you I could probably spot similar inconsistencies in some of your decision-making.

So, what happened to me? My focus shifted from “two scoops for nearly double the price” to “a second scoop for just 50 cents more” when in the end, the price was $4.25 in each case!

When we make decisions, we rarely do so in a vacuum. To assess a “deal,” we’re always making comparisons to other things. My first thought was two scoops for about the same price as a box of ice cream is not a good deal. However, knowing the first scoop was pretty expensive, getting a second scoop for just 50 cents more seemed like a great deal. My mistake was that I didn’t pay close attention to the price of a single scoop in a cone vs. the price of one scoop in a cup. I mistakenly assumed getting ice cream in a cup would be less expensive, certainly not more, because I couldn’t eat the cup.

So, here’s the “scoop” next time you’re faced with a similar decision.

  1. Try to remove your emotions from the decision. Many behavioral economics studies show people are emotional creatures that occasionally make rational decisions (i.e., We have five TVs, but I want a 66-inch flat screen!).
  2. Recognize you’re always making comparisons to other things. Make sure you’re comparing to the right thing and don’t just look for something that will confirm what you emotionally want (i.e., I know we don’t need another television but it’s 50% off!).
  3. Take a moment to consider the value of the thing you’re considering regardless of what you’re comparing to. Value is subjective but oftentimes we ascribe too much value to things we believe will make us happier or more fulfilled (i.e., What will the 66-inch screen, even if on sale, really add to your life?).

Follow these simple steps and you’ll probably make better decisions; the kinds you look back on with pride, not regret.

 

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer

influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.