Tag Archive for: liking

Persuading Personality Types: The Facilitator/Amiable

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Up today are the results for the facilitator/amiable individuals. Folks who fall into this group are dependable, loyal and easygoing. They prefer things, people and activities that are non-threatening and friendly. They don’t like dealing with impersonal details or cold hard facts. It may surprise you to know facilitators are usually quick to make decisions. Others often describe amiables as warm people who are sensitive to the feelings of others.

Words that describe the facilitator/amiable are: patient, loyal, sympathetic, team person, relaxed, mature, supportive, stable, considerate, empathetic, persevering, trusting and congenial.

Of those that took the survey, 58 people (22%) considered themselves amiable. When compared to the average response rates, people in this group responded most to the principles of liking, authority and consensus.

Liking

Because amiables are nice, easy going people who focus on more on relationships than tasks it’s probably no surprise to anyone that the principle of influence that would impact them the most would be liking. Liking is important with everyone but much more so with these folks and the influence/expressive type.

The first survey question really stood out: There’s a popular movie out, one you’ve been thinking about seeing. Which would be most likely to get you to go? For each group the overwhelming answer chosen was – A couple of good friends are going. For the driver and analytic about 60% said that was their reason for going to the movies but three out of four amiables said this was why they’d go.

The other question that was noticeable was the last on the survey:

Q – Someone at work needs your help. You’re hesitant at first because you’re pressed for time before your vacation. You decide to work overtime and help mostly because:

A – It’s a long-time friend.

Half of the amiables said they’d stay late for the long-time friend where the average for all people taking the test was slightly more than a third.

Authority

I have to admit I was surprised by the data that showed authority was a big motivator for amiables. The choices for all groups, except the influencer/expressive, were above 50% when the question involved money (buying a laptop or car, changing careers). In fact, with each of those questions the percentage of amiables choosing the authority answer exceeded the average for all groups.

When it came to buying the car the overwhelming percentage of people taking the survey were inclined to make a choice based on consumer reports, an authority. While 71% of the influencer/expressive and analytical/thinkers stated this as their reason, a whopping 81% of the amiable/facilitator and driver/pragmatics based their buying decision on the recommendation from an authority.

Consensus

The other principle that deserves mention for the amiable/facilitator group is the principle of consensus. My initial hypothesis was that consensus would be a big motivator for people who are also motivated by liking. My thought was the amiable would be the kind to go with the flow and want to get along with everyone. I still believe this is true although my data had it third on the list. I had one question that was truly a dud when it came to consensus.

Q – You’re married and your spouse asks you to do some light home repairs that might take several hours. You do them primarily because:

A – Your spouse reminded you that other spouses generally do these kinds of things around the house to help out.

For this question the average person chose this answer 2% of the time (6 out of 265 people). It could be that many people taking the survey were not married but I suspect the conversation in the house where someone “reminds” you what other spouses do would probably produce resentment. If I’d done a better job giving a reasonable choice on this one I suspect there would have been many more choosing the consensus answer.

Conclusion

So what do I conclude about people who fall into the amiable/facilitator group? Again, start by look for naturally occurring principles. When you have the opportunity to plan ahead for a persuasion situation involving the amiable/facilitator, look for ways utilize liking, authority and, based on my hypothesis above, consensus in your communication. As for the remaining principles – reciprocity, consistency and scarcity – the data showed these to be about equal when it comes to motivating the amiable. If one of these remaining principles fit well into the situation then go for it. Keeping these simple tips in mind will increase your odds for success.

Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Persuading Personality Types: The Thinker/Analytic

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Today we begin to dig into the survey results for the different personality types starting with the thinker/analytical group. People that predominantly fall into this category are generally systematic, well organized and deliberate. They appreciate facts and information presented in a logical manner and get satisfaction from organizing and completing detailed tasks. Analytical people can be viewed as cautious, highly structured people who adopt a rule-oriented approach to life. Words that describe the thinker/analytic include: controlled, orderly, precise, disciplined, deliberate, cautious, diplomatic, systematic, logical and conventional.

In the survey, 48 people (18%) participating fell into this category making it the smallest of the four groups. When compared to the average response rates, analytical people tended to respond most to the principles of authority and consistency.

Consistency

This was no surprise to me. The analytic spends time thinking before acting or talking so they will probably be confident in what they’re doing or saying. Tap into prior words or deeds and you can move them to act. When it came to consistency, one question that really stood out was: You get invited to a wedding and it’s the same weekend you planned to start your family vacation. The couple mentioned the date when they set it but you forgot about it when you planned this vacation. You decide to go and the biggest reason is:

The answer that had to do with consistency – You told them, “Absolutely we’ll be there,” when they mentioned it shortly after setting the date – was far and away the top choice for all personality types but even more so for the analytic. Nearly every analytic, 94%, said that would be their reason for attending the wedding. With two other questions, at least half of the analytics responded by choosing the answer that was associated with consistency. Their response rate was much higher than the other three groups. The questions and answers were:

Q – Which would be most likely to get you to go out to dinner?

A – You’ve told your friends you want to spend more time with them so here’s your chance.

Q – Someone at work needs your help. You’re hesitant at first because you’re pressed for time before your vacation. You decide to work overtime and help mostly because:

A – The person mentioned how valuable your input was on a similar project a few months ago and you want to maintain that reputation.

Authority

Authority was a big motivator for each group except the influencer/expressive. So what stood out for the analytical person? As you might expect, someone who thinks a lot and deeply will carefully consider the claims of an expert. The survey results show they were more motivated by answers that had an authority bent than each of the other groups. A few questions (buying a car and buying a laptop) had high authority responses from each group. In fact, the drivers and amiables were a little more motivated by authority than were the analytics when it came to answering these questions. My take on that interesting fact is that analytics are probably already comfortable with their technical knowledge of these items.

However we look at it, when it comes to spending relatively significant amounts of money most of us like to look to those who are more knowledgeable than we are. The question that caught my eye for the analytics was:

Q – You’re trying to decide about whether or not to leave the company you’ve been at for more than 10 years for a new opportunity. Which plays into your decision most?

A – You read in several business magazines it’s one of the top companies to work for.

Nearly 70% of analytics said this would be their reason for working at the new company compared to just over half the people in the driver and amiable groups. Only 43% of influencers were motivated by this answer. By contrast, the scarcity answer – you know they only hire a handful of people each year into this prestigious training program – was far less motivating for the analytical people than the other groups. The average response rate for all people was 35% but only 21% of analytics chose this answer. Maybe analytical types aren’t so motivated by prestige and exclusivity?

When it came to the remaining four principles of influence – reciprocity, liking, consensus and scarcity – I was surprised to see reciprocity was the most impacting principle. In my original article on this subject my hypothesis was that consensus would be most influential because I thought analytics would like to “play the odds” and go with the crowd like we used to see on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?” However, what should not come as a surprise is the fact that reciprocity motivates everyone, just not to the same extent, because most of us are raised being taught to say “thanks” when someone does something for us. Some parents take it farther and teach kids to “return the favor.”

Conclusion

When I conduct a Principles of Persuasion workshop I emphasize that people should look for naturally occurring principles. You never want to force something and come across as a manipulative salesperson. Understanding what motivates different personality styles allows you to prepare in advance then naturally structure your requests in a way that will help you be most persuasive. When it comes to persuading the analytical/thinker type, look for opportunities to incorporate authority and consistency into your presentation. By all means, if reciprocity, liking, consensus and scarcity naturally present themselves then work them in and you’ll have the best chance to succeed.

Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Persuading Personality Types: Survey Overview

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In May I wrote an article I called “Influence Approaches for Different Personality Styles” which turned out to be one of my most-read blog posts to date. In that article I shared four basic personality types:

  1. Driver/Pragmatic
  2. Expressive/Influencer
  3. Facilitator/Amiable
  4. Thinker/Analytical

After defining each I made some suggestions on what I thought would be the best influence approaches for each of the different personality types. To the best of my knowledge there was no research on the subject of persuasion and personality types so I decided to gather my own data using a blog post titled “Personality Types and Decision Influencers – A Short Survey.” I wanted to find out how people thought they might respond in different situations to different influence approaches.

I gathered data from 265 respondents, sliced it, diced it and looked at it every way I know how. Although I’m good with numbers and spreadsheets I decided to bring in the help of an expert with numbers. Alex Timm is a young intern at State Auto and to say Alex is insanely smart is not going far enough. He’s a triple major at Drake University – studying math, accounting and actuarial science – and going into his senior year he’s got a 4.0 GPA! If that’s not enough, he’s already passed three parts of his actuarial exam. I’m being really nice to Alex because I might end up working for him someday. You can find Alex on LinkedIn.

Here’s what Alex had to say about the survey, “I am very surprised to see such a strong statistical significance in the results. This especially applies to the effects of consensus on the expressive personality type. In fact, with this group you would see results this extreme less than 1% of the time if there had not been any sort of relationship!”

What I plan to do this week is share the results of the survey so you’ll be better equipped to persuade people based on their personality type. Today I just want to give you some background on what I did and why. Then each day this week you’ll see a new post that focuses on a different personality type.

Let me start with this disclaimer – I’m not a professional pollster, nor am I a behavioral psychologist. This was not an experiment; rather it was simply an attempt to find out how people thought they might respond in different situations to specific influence approaches.

I recognize when asking people which personality style they think they are there will be some bias. By that I mean, there will be people who classified themselves as one personality type when in reality, if they took a profile, might realize they are different than what they thought.

I can tell you from personal experience, when I took a personality survey during my first job I thought for sure I was a Driver/Pragmatic because I was very focused, very motivated and driven when it came to just about anything I participated in. However, when I took the survey I realized I wasn’t a Driver/Pragmatic, although I had some of those traits. I actually had more of an Analytical/Thinker bent and when I took a similar survey nearly 25 years later I still fell into the predominantly in the Analytical/Thinker category.

Having shared that potential flaw, I’m willing to bet most people were fairly accurate because the personality descriptions I shared were pretty detailed.

Because this was my first attempt at an extensive survey I definitely learned a lot. For example, as I analyzed the results I clearly saw some answers were duds because so few people chose them. Another thing I might do differently in the future would be to have questions specifically geared towards personal situations and different ones for the work environment. I had a few people tell me none of my answers would be compelling enough for them to take action in some instances. Unfortunately no survey will be able to address valid reasons for every participant.

My goal was to find out which answer would potentially have the most impact on a decision. But remember, this is just at amateur’s attempt to try to get a handle on something where there’s not been any research.

Let me tell you a bit about the survey itself. The survey was exactly the same for each personality type. By steering people to a particular survey it allowed me to gather data by personality type very easily.

Each survey had 10 questions with three possible answers.

  • Answer “A” was always an opportunity for someone to choose a relationship answer where they would have been taking action based on liking or reciprocity.
  • Answer “B” dealt with uncertainty so the answer either had to do with consensus or authority.
  • Answer “C” was related motivation which meant the choice was either based on consistency or scarcity.

The way I laid it out there were five questions where each of the six principles of influence was a potential answer. Let’s look at the first question so you can get some insight into what I was looking at and analyzing. After each personality type you’ll see the percentage that chose each answer.

“There’s a popular movie out, one you’ve been thinking about seeing. Which would be most likely to get you to go?”

  • A. A couple of good friends are going. (liking)
  • B. Critics are giving it two thumbs up. (authority)
  • C. It’s only in theaters till the end of the weekend. (scarcity)

While each group was clearly motivated by liking, the most popular answer with each group, the Expressive/Influencer (68.3%) and Facilitators/Amiable (74.1%) were statistically much more motivated by this answer than the Driver/Pragmatic (59.4%) and Thinker/Analytical (60.4%).

Another couple of notable things about this question were the Thinker/Analytical (27.1%) were more motivated by answer “B,” which had to do with authority, than were the other groups. The Driver/Pragmatic (22.9%) were far and away more motivated by scarcity than the other groups.

One question does not a survey make but aggregating the data to look for trends is what allowed Alex and I to spot things we think you’ll find helpful when it comes to persuading people after you have a handle on what type of personality they are. So hang on with me for the next four days as we dig into each of the personality types. If you have questions or feedback feel free to comment below and I’ll do my best to answer you.

Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Personality Types and Decision Influencers – A Short Survey

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A few weeks ago I posted an article called Influence Approaches for Different Personality Styles. It was my most read blog post to date so I decided to follow it up with something different, a reader survey.

In that article I mentioned there were no scientific studies on the relationship between personality types and influence approaches. What I shared was my personal opinion on which principles of influence I thought would be best to use with the different personality styles. The lack of information got me thinking more about the subject so I decided to gather my own data. But, in order to do so I need your help.

I’d like you to read the general personality descriptions below, decide which best describes you, and then click on the associated link to take a 10 question multiple choice survey. While no description will fit you perfectly choose the one that you think best represents you.

A. You thrive on challenges and have a strong internal motivation to succeed. You’re practical and very focused on getting results. You get lots accomplished very quickly. You talk faster than most people and you’re direct and to the point. You’re often viewed as decisive. Words that describe you include: action-orientated, decisive, problem solver, direct, assertive, demanding, risk taker, forceful, competitive, independent, determined and results-orientated. This is the pragmatic/driver personality. If this describes you, click here to take the survey.

B. You are very outgoing and enthusiastic, with a high energy level. You’re an idea person, but usually struggle to see ideas through to completion. You enjoy helping others and enjoy socializing. You are usually slow to reach a decision. People often think of you of as a talker, dramatic and impulsive. Words that describe you include: verbal, motivating, enthusiastic, convincing, impulsive, influential, charming, confident, dramatic, optimistic and animated. This is the influencer/expressive personality type. If this describes you, click here to take the survey.

C. You are dependable, loyal and easygoing. You like things that are non-threatening and friendly. You don’t like dealing with impersonal details or cold hard facts. Usually you’re quick to reach a decision. People often describe you as a warm person and sensitive to the feelings of others. Words that describe you include: patient, loyal, sympathetic, team person, relaxed, mature, supportive, stable, considerate, empathetic, persevering, trusting and congenial. This describes the facilitator/amiable individual. If this describes you, click here to take the survey.

D. You are known for being systematic, well organized and deliberate. You appreciate facts and information presented logically. You enjoy organization and completion of detailed tasks. Others may see you as being cautious, very structured, someone who adopts a rule oriented approach to life. Words that describe you include: controlled, orderly, precise, disciplined, deliberate, cautious, diplomatic, systematic, logical and conventional. This describes the thinker/analytic. If this describes you, click here to take the survey.

Each survey question will put you in a different situation and ask which of the three responses would be the biggest factor in you saying “Yes” to a request. While each potential answer might factor into your decision to one degree or another please choose the one you think would most impact your decision.

If you want to take the survey please do so before June 30th. That’s when I’ll close the survey and begin to analyze the data. Look for a July post where I’ll share the results. Thanks for taking a few minutes to participate; I appreciate your help on this project.

Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Influencers from Around the World – Essentials for Political Personalities

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This month’s Influencers from Around the World post is from my friend Yago De Marta. Yago resides in Spain and Latin America where he makes a living as a public speaking coach and media trainer. Like my other guest bloggers, we met because of his interest in influence and persuasion. Much of Yago’s work is with politicians (and businessmen) so his article explores two essential influence ingredients for politicians – authority and liking. Shoot a friend request to Yago on Facebook or LinkedIn, let him know you read his article and I’m sure he’ll accept.

Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Essentials for Political Personalities


When I train politicians I always repeat the same idea: the politician must be close enough to their voters that they trust him, and yet different enough so as to be considered able to do things the voter never could.

This means the politician must tap into similarities so they can identify with voters. Doing so allows the politician to “tune in” with them so the people sense their reflection, or “their way,” in the image they see projected on television. But the truth is that’s not enough. Clearly, we have great confidence in our best friend, yet we don’t let him take charge of our family finances or give a medical diagnosis for cancer for a loved one. That is, liking is not enough without the authority.

In the case of the politician this duality is even bigger. Everyone is looking for a candidate who is “special,” and it’s this special status that seems to be closely tied to political roles. Unfortunately it seems to be a scarce quality these days. Politicians are viewed differently because if the politician is going to govern the destiny of a country we must believe he’s able to do things we cannot.

Now if these two elements, liking and authority, must be linked to the personality of the politician, and both have different aspects, how are we to relate to them from a practical perspective on the personality of the politician? There are several ways but in this article we will focus on two: stylistic and internal.

Stylistic: A common mistake most novice speakers make is that they change completely when they speak from behind a lectern. All of a sudden they create a pose. They lose their original personality because they begin to talk in an artificial way. This error is very serious because the most important quality of liking in communication is “being real.”

There are two main styles: the systematic and casual. The systematic is normally observed in parliaments. It is characterized by very marked time, a major impact on certain syllables of words and a repetitive rhythm whereas the casual style is more conversational.

Casual is simply “telling” what we mean. My advice to politicians is simply this; go back to basics and be real. When behind the podium one must remember to talk as we talk in a cafe. The first style gives us strength, control, presence. It gives us authority. The second gives us fluency, closeness, credibility. All of a sudden we tap into liking and are likable.

Communicating well from the bench means being able to move on the continuum between the systematic and casual, between authority and liking. If we only rely on one, we can come across as robotic or worse yet, uneducated.

The second aspect we want to explore is the internal. Another common mistake of politicians is ego. I believe a big ego is the opposite of high self-esteem. Big egos can make the candidate come across as brittle and seem distant from the audience.

Remembering Gallway and “The Inner Game,” the player must be “in the zone” and focused. To be in the zone in politics, or in public speaking in general, means being strong and very secure. This implies feeling special, to feel that no one can say things the way we say them. This routine occurs in the mind; a state of force that allows for a very strong speech.

This attitude gives the necessary distance from political environment to create the authority. I often say that if that does not mean being proud. If we are focused, no. What is the focus? People. The politician, and really every speaker, should focus on people. You must look at people and think about the people. This attitude spiritually and emotionally binds you with the public. It’s the reason and motivation for the speech. It allows you to feel safe and absolutely connected with the public. This connection causes liking. It dilutes the ego in the mass communication to make something superior. And communicating well from the bench is being able to move on the continuum between “the zone” and “focused” tapping into both authority and liking. If we only rely on one, or the other, we may be seen as a tyrant or a weakling.

Yago

Note to readers: We may not be politicians but in certain areas of life, such as our careers, we need to effectively tap into both authority and liking if we’re to enjoy success to the fullest, because being liked, trusted and viewed as a expert is what will give you the best chance of hearing “Yes” when you make a request of another person.

Influence Approaches for Different Personality Styles

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Last year I started holding bi-monthly lunch ‘n learn sessions for people who’d been through my Principles of Persuasion workshops. During our time together we discuss different aspects of influence and people participate in interactive exercises to help keep their influence skills sharp. The group is usually 30-40 managers and supervisors from different departments at State Auto. A couple of weeks ago I co-lead a session along with Mike Rau, a State Auto manager, where we talked about strategies for influencing different personality types.

Now I have to tell you up-front; to my knowledge there are no scientific studies on which principles of influence have the most impact on different personality styles. What I’m going to share is my personal opinion based on experience, my understanding of the principles of influence and more than 15 years in sales training.

The chart below, or something similar, might be familiar to those of you who’ve taken different personality tests over the years. It’s a simple way to categorize people based on their orientation. It looks at whether individuals are more task-oriented vs. people-oriented on the vertical axis. The horizontal axis determines whether people are more oriented towards taking fast action, telling people what to do and controlling others vs. people who are inclined to be slower to act, and ask more questions rather than directing people.

Ask – Slower
Control Self		 Task-Oriented
 Tell –
Faster
Control Others
Thinker
Analytical		 Pragmatic
Driver
Facilitator
Amiable		 Influencer
Expressive

People-Oriented
Across the population spectrum about 25% of people fall into each category. Below are the different personality styles, some traits associated with each and bullet points for the principles of influence that should be most impacting. The goal here is to give you a quick reference to fall back on when it’s obvious someone has a strong orientation in one of these four personality areas.

Pragmatic/Driver: Example – Jack Welch former CEO of GE. The pragmatic wants quick results, gets to the point, task-oriented, more controlling of others, acts first then thinks, assertive, risk taker. The best principles of influence when dealing with this personality type would be:

  • Authority – They may not care what the crowd says but prove your point with the opinion or experience of an expert or someone they respect or admire, and they’ll listen.
  • Scarcity – Drivers are successful because they win! Show them what they might lose if they don’t do what you’re asking and you’ll grab their attention.
  • Consistency – Their self-confidence makes them believe they’re right so they might seem like they stubbornly hold to an opinion. If you can tie your request to what they’ve said or done in the past your odds of success will go up.

Influencer/Expressive: Example – Oprah Winfrey. The influencer is focused on social groups and events, more in tune with people than tasks, imaginative, usually sway others, and likes innovation. The best way to engage these individuals would be using the following principles of influence:

  • Sarcity – Influencers don’t want to lose out on opportunities to move people to action. Talk about how they might lose an opportunity and you’ll have a good chance of hearing “Yes!”
  • Reciprocity – They understand how engaging with favors helps because they frequently use that tactic when they persuade. Do something for them and they’ll try to return the favor to build their network.
  • Liking – Expressive people are talkers and quite often like to talk about themselves. Pay a genuine compliment or ask about something they’re into and they appreciate you for taking interest.

Facilitator/Amiable: Example – Sandra Bullock. Facilitators like stable relationships, focus on feelings, less assertive, more people-focused, slow to change, and wants product support. The psychology of persuasion to utilize for this group would be:

  • Consensus – Because they’re so likable and want everyone to get along showing them what many others are already doing will help your case.
  • Liking – They naturally like others and want to be liked so use liking to come to know them and like them and you’ll increase your chance to influence.
  • Reciprocity – Giving small gifts, time, effort, etc. conveys thoughtfulness to the facilitator and will likely be returned in kind.

Thinker/Analytical: Example – Albert Einstein. Thinkers are task-oriented, slower to act, exert self-control, less assertive, data-oriented, prudent, systematic, logical, look to track records/trends. When dealing with this type of person you should look to use the following principles of influence:

  • Authority – Because they think long and hard about things they place a high premium on expert advice.
  • Consistency – Again, because they think before they act they take their words and actions seriously. Tap into what they’ve said or done in the past to make your point.
  • Consensus – The thinker will play the odds and find safety in numbers. Tell them what many others are doing when building your case.

As I wrote earlier, none of this is scientifically proven but I believe it make lots of sense and is fairly easy to remember. Too often people learn about personality styles but do nothing with that knowledge so I encourage you to give it a try next time you find yourself in a situation where it’s very clear the type of person you’re dealing with. Do so and I think you’ll find it a little easier to persuade them and ultimately hear “Yes!”
Brian
influencepeople
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Make the Other Person Feel Important

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We’ve been making our way through Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People as a way for you to become a more influential and persuasive person. The week we come to his last tip in the section of the book titled “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” The advice we’ll explore is, “Make the other person feel important.”

Are you important? I hope you said “Yes” to yourself! I’m important and you’re important. There’s never been another person quite like me or quite like you. We’re all unique individuals. Even identical twins, the most genetically close people in the world, are unique. Our importance may not be something people read about like the President of the United States, a famous actor or actress, an author or a well-known athlete but nonetheless we are important. Just ask your spouse, kids, parents, friends or coworkers.

Remember the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart? Stewart plays George Bailey, a man who has a crisis of faith when $8,000 is misplaced and he fears his business will close. He’s so distraught he contemplates suicide because he thinks it would have been better had he not been born. Thanks to the angel Clarence he realizes that was foolish thinking because small town George had a huge impact on the lives of people in his community.

I share this not to build you up or inflate my ego but because it leads to this – you and I are important and so is every other person you come in contact with…whether or not they realize it. That’s right; many people live their lives like George Bailey did for a few hours, feeling unimportant. But, if you and I believe they are important and treat them as such, great things can happen!

Let me share one quick story. I know a single lady in her 60s who is an important person. She’s divorced, has two grown kids and a couple of grandkids. She has a regular job and struggles to make ends meet like most people these days. She likes working in her yard and around her home and she’s always willing to help others. She’s a nice person, a nice neighbor to those who live near her. She’s not done anything that will make her famous but she’s important nonetheless. Who is this person? My mom, Ann Strausburg. If it were not for her I would not be here and you wouldn’t be reading this. My wife Jane might be married to someone else and my wonderful daughter Abigail would not have come into existence. From my limited perspective my mom is very important and I’m sure from God’s view, because He knows her full impact, He’d say she’s incredibly important!

I hope everyone treats my mom with the kind of respect she deserves. I bet you hope the same for your mom, dad, grandparents, kids or anyone else who is significant to you. If we hope that then we should do that. Every day as we meet people if we make them feel import they’ll sense that. Of course they’ll like us for it too.

Don’t you enjoy it when people treat you like you’re important? It can be humbling at times but I know I enjoy it and I bet you do too. If we enjoy it then why not spread the joy and allow others to feel the same way? Here are a few simple things anyone can do to convey a sense of importance to another person:

  • Show respect – Respect comes easily through good manners with phrases like, “Yes please,” “No thank you,” “Excuse me” and “Please forgive me.” These are simple and none assumes anything from the other person.
  • Use their name – As I shared in the article A Rose by Any Other Name, the sweetest sound to any person is the sound of their own name. People feel important when identified by name because it humanizes them.
  • Golden Rule – Treat people the way you’d like to be treated or the way you’d like someone to treat a loved one. This kind of behavior tends to come back to you. Earl Hickey calls it karma.
  • Fine Reputation – We will explore Carnegie’s advice to give the other person a fine reputation to live up to later in this series. For now know this; conveying belief in another person can help them achieve more than they thought possible and make them feel more important than ever before. Give that gift.

We make requests of people every single day because we need other people. Recognizing that fact, this blog is intended to help you learn to hear “Yes!” The more friends you make, the easier it is to influence people and hear “Yes!” But it’s not just about getting what you want. It’s about building relationships and enjoying our lives more because of those relationships. Make another person feel important today and that’s one step in the right direction them and for you.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests

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Last week we took a look at Dale Carnegie’s advice on how to be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. I shared a half dozen simple questions you can use to get the conversation started. They were non-threatening, generic ice-breaker questions. This week we’ll look at some advice that goes hand in hand with what was shared last week – talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

So you broke the ice and you’ve been paying attention to what others are saying. You might get lucky and find they share some of the same passions you do. Life is looking pretty good when that happens because when you find you have something in common it’s easy to form relationships. That’s because the principle of liking tells us we have a tendency to automatically like people who share common interests with us.

For example, I’m passionate about fitness, martial arts and sales. If I come across someone who has a keen interest in one of those areas it’s easy to talk for hours! But, what if you or I run into people who don’t share our same passions?

Let’s say you meet someone and quickly find out they’re into extreme sports. Feeling you have nothing in common, what can you do? Actually it’s pretty simple; allow them to talk about extreme sports. Just ask questions, show genuine interest and look at it as a learning experience. You could start by saying, “Wow, I’ve never had the desire to go bungee jumping. What made you decide to try that?” There’s probably a great story behind that first jump, full of excitement and emotion. As the person relives the events that lead to the first jump, and the jump itself, they’ll probably feel many of the same exhilarating feelings they experienced before. That’s good news for you for a couple of reasons.

First, they’ll start to associate those feelings with you. Everyone likes to feel good, right? Of course they do and when people feel good around you they tend to like you and want to be around you more. That’s a great way to start a relationship.

Second, being tied in some way to those feelings will make you more memorable. That’s also great for you because the individual is likely to remember you and your name. Have you ever seen someone you met before but you didn’t approach them again because you were embarrassed that you couldn’t recall their name? Being memorable makes it less likely someone will avoid you because they can’t recall your name.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests isn’t that hard. It just takes the willingness and patience to be a good listener and the smarts to ask a few good questions. The willingness and patience are the hardest things for most people for a few reasons.

  • We want to be known. If someone goes on and on we begin to wonder if we’ll get our turn. If you find you’re with someone who never gives you that chance, odds are they aren’t the kind of person you’ll seek out for relationship. If it’s a business relationship then don’t lose sight of the goal – improving business.
  • We’re not very good listeners. Most people don’t listen with the desire to understand; rather they listen to respond so they can get their two cents in. Put on top of that all the distractions we have in modern life and it takes more effort than ever to really be a good listener.

If you can be a good listener and talk in terms of the other person’s interests it can end up being fun because you get to know more about another person and you might learn about something new. I encourage you this week to become other-focused and engage people on their terms based on their interests. Do so and you’ll win more friends and influence more people. Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

A Rose by Any Other Name

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Probably one of the most famous lines ever penned was from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” The saying conveys this – what really matters is what something is, not what we call it. It’s true that a rose would smell no different had we called it anything else.

But, names do matter, even if they don’t change the thing being described, because they change us and how we think and respond. Here’s a nice example; Chilean Sea Bass, a popular dish, wasn’t such a hot seller when it was referred to by its real name, the Patagonian Toothfish. That name’s not too appealing and fish eaters didn’t think so either. Ah, but sales took a turn for the better when it was renamed because Chilean Sea Bass sounds interesting and exotic.
Let’s focus on Dale Carnegie now because he said, “The sweetest sound to anyone is the sound of their own name.” We’ve all met people who wish they’d have been given a different name. Johnny Cash made that notion famous when he sang about A Boy Named Sue. However, despite complaining, most people who wish they had a different name will never change their name.
Making it a point to use someone’s name can help you win friends and influence people for lots of reasons.
Most people get a sense of importance when their name is used. This makes me think about my college days when I worked as a valet a Muirfield Village Golf Club, the place where Jack Nicklaus hosts The Memorial Tournament each year. One summer a car pulled up and as I opened the door one of Jack’s very close friends, a founding member of the golf course, got out of the car and what he did next I’ll never forget – he simply said, “Thanks, Brian.”
As I type this I still remember how this important man, Jack Nicklaus’ friend, using my name made me gasp a little. I couldn’t believe he knew who I was. Then I noticed my name badge, the one worn by all valets. But that didn’t change the reality of how I felt and that I still remember it 25 years later!
If you want to make someone feel important, maybe even make their day, try using their name. Give it a shot next time you’re checking out at the grocery store or use your server’s name when you eat out next time. I bet you’ll also get better service in both instances.
Using another person’s name also creates sense of relationship. Once when I was traveling I stopped in a TGI Friday’s for dinner. The server behind the bar came over, said, “Hi, I’m Ron. What’s your name?” Then he stuck out his hand to shake mine. As we shook I told him my name and he replied, “Brian, I’ll be your server tonight. If you need anything just let me know.”
Each time Ron came by to check on me it was, “How is everything, Brian?” or, “Can I get you another beer Brian?” Whenever he addressed me it was by name. So there I was in a different city, sitting in a restaurant where I didn’t know anyone but I felt like Ron and I were friends. I have to believe he enjoyed his job a little more because he felt like he was waiting on friends. And I’m sure he got much better tips too because he engaged Liking.
One more reason to use people’s name is simply this; it gets their attention. Imagine you’re at a crowded event where there’s lots of background noise and talk going on. You’re not paying any particular attention until you hear your name. It’s amazing how good your listening becomes at that point as you try to figure out if it’s you someone is talking about.
This applies to email too. Several years ago I sent an email to about 300 people who’d been through some training I’d conducted. In the email I asked for some success stories but got none! I didn’t hang my head and think the training was ineffective because I knew it was good stuff. I concluded the culprit was a psychological phenomenon known as “diffusion of responsibility.” Because my email wasn’t addressed to anyone in particular, everyone thought someone else would respond and ultimately no one did.
So after about a week of no replies I changed my method. The next communication was a “personalized” email. Using the Microsoft mail merge feature I simply included people’s first names from my training database. Rather than print letters I merged into an email so 300 separate emails went out in the span of about two minutes. Each person’s name was at the top and I asked a question about the training. The result – within a week I had 125 replies and got dozens of great success stories! Taking away the impersonal nature and including a question was all it took.
So to quote Dale Carnegie, “Remember their name,” because this engages Liking and builds relationships.
Have you found it to be the case that you feel and act differently when people use your name? Have you seen people respond differently to you when you use their name? If you answered “yes” to yourself on either of those leave a comment below so we can learn more.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

 

Quit Trying to be Interesting and Get Interested

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Dale Carnegie noticed six easy things any of us can do to get people to like us. Before we dive in, let me start by saying, it’s not so much about us getting others to like us as much as it’s about us coming to like them. For example, if I interact with you, I can do things to try to make you like me and you’ll probably see right through it. You’ll feel as though I’m using a cheesy sales technique. Or I can go into a situation with the mindset that I want to make friends and enjoy the people I interact with. Now I might do the very same things but people see the sincerity of someone who really wants to like them and that makes all the difference.

So the first thing we’ll look at is the advice to become genuinely interested in other people. In other words, quit trying to be interesting and get interested.

A few weeks ago I mentioned everyone’s favorite radio station WIIFM, call letters for “What’s In It For Me.” This is the preoccupation of most people’s thoughts. Reality check – people are more concerned about themselves than they are about you. If you want to come to know them, like them and perhaps have them like you then don’t fight it. Carnegie said we could make more friends in two months than we could in two years by becoming interested in others rather than trying to be interesting.

Sounds easy enough but what’s that look like, being interested in others? First thing I’d say would be give them your full attention. If you’re meeting with them in person that means maintaining eye contact and displaying body language that indicates you’re open to them and what they’re sharing. Don’t sit back, arms folded, legs crossed with a blank expression. All it takes is a smile, head nod to indicate agreement and perhaps a slight lean forward. I bet you can do each of those things.

If you happen to be on the phone stop everything you’re doing…including looking at your computer. Ask yourself, “If the person was sitting in front of me would I be doing what I’m doing right now?” If the answer is no then stop whatever you’re doing so you can pay full attention. Take notes if for no other reason than to focus on the other person and what they’re saying.

How about this; don’t listen to respond, instead, listen to understand. That means you’re not jumping in each time they take a breath so you can share your thoughts
or your stories. The more natural thing would be to ask questions to learn more about them or what they happen to be talking about.

Here’s an idea — you can take the initiative and talk about something you know is important to the other person. Perhaps you’ve heard they are into gardening. If you’re like me that may be something you have no interest in but you can still ask them about it because it’s important to them. How do people feel when they talk about something or someone they love? How do they feel when they talk about causes they’re passionate about? What about fond memories? You’re probably thinking, “Of course they feel good when they recall such things and talk about them.” Bingo!

When people talk about what they love or what they’re passionate about they feel energized and good. Eventually they come to associate those positive feelings with you. Think back to a time when someone said or did something that hurt you. If they did it repeatedly you probably tried to avoid that person. On the flip side, when you had good, positive interactions with people you began to associate good feelings with them and wanted to be around them. It’s the same deal here, only this time you’re making a more strategic decision to engage the other person on their terms in hopes of engaging the liking principle.

This strategic decision is an important one. When I interview people I typically ask for a strength of theirs and most often I hear something like, “I have great relationships with my agents and CSRs.” So people are aware relationships are important but they usually fall flat when I follow up with this question, “Suppose you get this job and you’re going to visit your assigned agents for the first time. What will you do to connect with them as quickly as possible so you can build a strong working relationship quickly?” This is where people stutter and hesitate. It’s easy for them to sense when someone likes them but they’re not always sure why that’s occurred.

Understanding a simple concept like becoming genuinely interested in others and making it a focus of your interaction will help you become a more likable person. Never underestimate the power of liking. Jeffrey Gitomer put it best when he said, “All things being equal, people want to do business with their friends. All things not being so equal, people still want to do business with their friends.” Being a good friend will get you the benefit of the doubt every time, whether professionally or personally.

If you’ve had success making friends with a strategy like this, or some other way, leave a comment below to let me know about it.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”