If You Always Vote For The Same People…

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Next month more than half of Americans will go to the polls to vote on various issues including the President of the United States. The rhetoric has heated up to unprecedented levels so now is a good time to look at a contentious political issue – term limits – through the lens of influence.

When George Washington declined to run for a third term precedence was set with American presidents. Based on Washington’s actions no president ran for a third term until Franklin Roosevelt did so in 1944. The unusual circumstance of a world war in two major theatres was a big reason for FDR’s decision. However, not long afterwards the American people passed the 22 Amendment limiting the president to a maximum of two terms in office.

For some odd reason Americans have not pushed for term limits for congressman and senators. A few states enacted laws to limit the terms of their particular representatives in Washington in an effort to move away from “career politicians.” Unfortunately the Supreme Court overturned those laws saying states could not limit the term of national offices.

Like just about anything in life there are positives and negatives to each side of the argument when it comes to term limits. What should concern citizens is whether or not the best people get elected and whether or not we’re getting fresh political ideas simply because of how voters make decisions.

I remember my pastor saying, “People will remain the same until the pain of staying the same is greater than the perceived pain that comes with change.” That’s akin to, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” Americans saw voter revolts in 1994 when republicans swept into power in the house and senate and again in 2010 because of our economic woes. Both times there was so much dissatisfaction with the status quo that people kicked out many incumbents.

My question is; why do we have to wait for things to get so bad before we act? “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” sounds good until you consider Steve Jobs and his iPhone. We didn’t need the iPhone because nothing was broken but we’re better off for it. Perhaps we could have the same fresh ideas and change in Washington if we routinely had new people in office.

Politicians are famous for saying things like, “We have term limits because voters can always vote someone out of office if they want to,” and, “Why do we need to restrict voter freedom?” Of course both arguments could be used against term limits for the president and yet as a country we thought it was good to limit the terms for the highest office in the land. I suspect career politicians are thinking first and foremost about staying in power, not the good of the country.

But I digress and you’re wondering how influence ties into this. It will come as no surprise to readers when I state the obvious; nearly every sitting politician wins re-election the vast majority of the time. In fact, it’s staggering how often they win! Take a look at the charts below showing reelection rates for U.S. congressman and senators from the Center for Responsive Politics.

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senate

Are incumbents winning so often because they’re the best candidates? Hardly. It’s simply a function the principle of liking due to familiarity. People go to the polls and tend to vote for the person they’re most familiar with and the farther you go down in terms of elected offices the worse it is because quite often people vote for the incumbent simply because they know nothing about the other person running. When you’ve seen or heard about your congressman for the past four years or your senator for the last six years that’s a lot of familiarity for a challenger to overcome.

On this subject, in his book Influence Science and Practice, Robert Cialdini wrote, “Often we don’t realize that our attitude toward something has been influenced by the number of times we have been exposed to it in the past.” And it’s not just how often we hear a name it’s how much we see the face. Sitting politicians are routinely seen in the news and that helps unless their face is connected to a scandal. I can tell you from firsthand experience that I get much better response to my emails when I include my picture at the bottom of the email because familiarity helps.

While there many other things that come into play during an election we can’t underestimate the importance of simply being more familiar with one candidate vs. another. It’s the way we’re wired.

To be sure we – the typical American voter – are partly to blame because we’re notoriously disengaged when it comes to knowing the candidates, their positions, and understanding the issues. If anyone didn’t need term limits it would be presidents because I’d venture to guess we know presidential candidates better and understand the presidential issues more because of how much they’re in the media vs. lower offices and more localized issues.

In a sense terms limits save us from how our decision-making sometimes works against our best self-interests. My boss likes to say, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” In other words, how can we expect anything different from Washington when we keep electing the same people for the most part? Yes, we can make a concerted effort to become more informed voters but with less than 60% of people of voting age voting in every presidential election since 1968 do we really think that will happen? I certainly don’t. Sometimes we need laws to protect ourselves from ourselves and term limits might be one such law.

“Fear has never created a single job or fed a single family.”

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Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada weighed in on our Presidential election when he recently addressed the United Nations. He told world leaders, “Fear has never created a single job or fed a single family.”

His quote sounds good, very statesman-like, but unfortunately it’s completely incorrect. If you pause for just a moment and consider what fear does you’d have to conclude it creates a tremendous number of jobs. Consider the following:

  • The military – It exists because of the threat of war.
  • Police – They exist to serve and protect. This arises because of fear and people who break the law.
  • Insurance – It gives peace of mind because it reduces the anxiety that comes with the fear of loss (home destroyed, car accident, theft, etc.).

I’ve spent my adult life in the insurance industry and I tell people we’re a noble industry because we do two things:

  1. We help people. When people have a loss they’re thankful when they have the right insurance to help them get back on their feet.
  2. We help the economy. When an insurance company guarantees payment in the event your home or auto is destroyed banks lend more freely. That means more homes and autos are sold which means more people are employed as each are made.

Trudeau’s statement that fear doesn’t create jobs is ludicrous. Here are just a few facts from 2015 on the U.S. insurance industry from the Insurance Information Institute:

  • People spent more than $1.2 trillion on insurance products.
  • There were 5,296 insurance companies.
  • The industry employed 2.5 million people.

In much the same way that marketing professionals want you to buy their product, Mr. Trudeau wants people to buy into the notion that Donald Trump is peddling fear in an effort to win the election. He is, but so is Hillary Clinton. As I wrote this summer in The Politics of Fear: They’re Trying to Scarcity the Hell Out of You, using fear to win votes is a very old strategy and is used equally on both sides of the aisle.

Whenever someone is using fear they’re tapping into the principle of scarcity. First know this; fear has served mankind well because it’s a survival instinct. From Robert Cialdini’s book Influence Science and Practice, according to social psychologists Haselton & Nettle, “One prominent theory accounts for the primacy of loss over gain in evolutionary terms. If one has enough to survive, an increase in resources will be helpful but a decrease in those same resources could be fatal. Consequently, it would be adaptive to be especially sensitive to the possibility of loss.”

Second, quite often fear of loss moves us to take actions that ultimately serve us well. If scarcity led to more bad choices than good we’d stop responding to it.

Having shared those two thoughts remember this – there are times when scarcity is legitimate and there are times when it’s manipulative. Manipulators realize the power of this principle and will use it to their advantage.

So the real question becomes; is the fear (scarcity) legitimate? If it is then you should pay heed and take appropriate action. When it’s not legitimate then reframe it as someone’s attempt to manipulate you.

And what about the November election? It’s my personal opinion that both Republicans and Democrats are trying to manipulate all of us. They all tell half-truths, outright lie and manipulate statistics in their favor in an effort to grab power. Each side tells us every election that it’s the most important election ever, that our country and way of life is at stake. It’s all BS!

I started with Mr. Trudeau so I guess I should end with him. Canadians seem to love him. He’s young, good looking and charismatic so he’s gaining notoriety on the world stage. I don’t know a lot about him but I know this, his quote about fear not producing jobs or feeding people is laughable. As you should do with any politician, you would do well to look beyond the veneer and critically think about what he says next time he speaks.

Those Pesky Deadlines!

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Don’t you just hate looming deadlines? Most people do because stress levels rise and quite often other things have to go by the wayside in an effort to complete the task with the deadline. I bet you just wish you could go without those pesky deadlines, especially those imposed by others, right? Actually, that might work against your best interests.

Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist from Duke and author of several books including The Upside of Irrationality, looked at ways students respond to deadlines. He divided his students into three groups. One had no deadlines other than turn in three papers by a certain date near the end of the semester. Another group got to choose their due date or dates. You see, they could have chosen to submit all three papers on the last possible day or they could set up any dates of their choosing throughout the semester. Most set their own timetables and didn’t default to the last possible date. A third group was given deadlines by Ariely.

Which group do you think did best on their grades? Logically it should have been those who could wait till the last day because that meant they could spend more time on each paper. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. In fact, as a group they did the worst on their grades. Procrastination usually isn’t helpful.

The group that got to choose their due dates performed better than those who had no due date other than the last day. Apparently some pressure was a good thing and procrastination was held at bay a little.

The group that did the best was the students who had three deadlines imposed on them by the professor. Apparently humans respond well when called to do so.

I had a chance to put this into practice over the summer. I was approached by to do a sales video that entailed writing 18-20 scripts that would last approximately five minutes each. That’s basically 18-20 blog posts on top of what I already write. I consider myself very self-disciplined but I know I can also become complacent at times.

So what did I do? My strategy was to discuss the situation with my contact at and get her to impose some deadlines on me. It worked well because I was able to get everything done in about six weeks, which was mush faster than she expected. It was a relief for me, too.

Why are deadlines typically so effective? Because they tap into the principle of scarcity. When deadlines loom we know there may be something to lose (a bonus or raise at work, a good grade at school, etc.) and that compels us to take action.

What does this mean for you? The next time you have something that needs to get done and you ask when it’s due, don’t settle for, “Whenever you get around to it.” Whomever you’re dealing with might be laid back but that “freedom” will probably hurt you in the end. Instead tell the other person you want a due date and some milestone dates before you start. Not only does that tap into scarcity, it engages the principle of consistency. When you publicly agree to the due date and milestone dates, you engage the principle on yourself because you’ll feel more compelled to hit those dates. It’s almost like having an accountability partner.

Here’s one more things about deadlines that might surprise you. People say they hate gift cards with expiration dates. They think it’s not fair because the company that sold the gift card gets to keep the money regardless of whether or not you buy anything. But, you might be surprised to learn that gift cards without expiration dates are used less than those with expiration dates! When you know the card will expire you tend to use it so you don’t waste it. However, when cards don’t have expiration dates they tend to get lost, forgotten about and all too often go unused.

So the next time you encounter a pesky deadline, maybe you should step back and remember this post then give thanks that you’ll be more likely to do what you need to in short order.

Useful Tips for Reaching You Goals

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In his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Hungarian psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi made the case that people are happiest when fully absorbed in tasks they find challenging and that give them opportunities for personal growth.

He calls the state people experience at those moments “flow.” If that term is unfamiliar perhaps the terms athletes use might be more familiar: “in the zone” or “unconscious” or “in the groove.” Flow is a lot like love in that you definitely know when you’re in it because whatever you’re doing seems effortless and time flies by.

Something that Mihaly believes can help people achieve flow are goals. How you view goals can make all the difference in your motivation. For example, if you can’t run a mile without feeling tired then focusing running on a marathon would be demoralizing. However, if you accomplish running a mile, then focus on perhaps going two or three miles, then five, and so on, it’s very likely you’ll stay motivated.

You see, most humans feel a sense of accomplishment when they stretch themselves and do things they’ve never done before. Using marathons as an example, it’s irrelevant for most people that they cannot run the 26.2 miles in under two and a half hours like elite marathoners. What the typical person cares about is the fact that they did something they never thought they could!

A great way to accomplish big goals is to have many little goals, mile markers if you will, along the way, in order to stay focused. A good example of this comes from martial arts. Most martial arts use a belt system that starts at white and culminates in black with as many as 10 belts that must be earned along the way. These incremental belts help people stay focused and motivated. It’s much easier to focus on achieving the next belt than thinking about the three to five years it may take to earn a black belt.

When you set goals there are two ways to feel good about your progress. The first is early on to focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you still have to go. I used to run marathons and when we’d reach points early in the race people usually encourage runners saying, “Way to go, 10 miles down already!” Imagine how a runner would feel if they said, “Way to go, only 16.2 more miles left!” What?!?

Next, as you make progress and move past the halfway point don’t focus on how far you’ve come but rather focus on what’s left. Returning to marathoning, as we got closer to the finish you never hear someone say, “Great job, 23 miles down!” No, they would say, “Great job, only three miles to go!”

You might notice that in each case the key is to focus on the smaller number to feel a sense of accomplishment, remain focused and stay motivated. This thought process applies to getting through college, weight loss, projects at work and just about anything else that can be measured.

I have another tip for goal accomplishment but it takes some guts because it’s puts you on the line. When you set a goal, tell somebody or share your goal with multiple people.

When you share a goal you engage the principle of consistency on yourself. Consistency is the principle of influence that tells us people feel internal psychological pressure and external social pressure to be consistent in what they say and do.

This principle is a powerful motivator because your self-perception is on the line when you make public statements on things like goals. We don’t want other people to see us negatively nor do we want to feel negative about ourselves. That can spur you on to keep hammering away at your goals. For more details on this see a post I called Pave the Way to Success in the New Year.

So there you have it; a few simple ways to get into the flow and accomplish goals that mean something to you.

When You Give, the Recipient isn’t Always Who You Think

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As we explore ways you can leverage the principles of influence for your own self-improvement, we’ll consider giving and the principle of reciprocity this week.

Reciprocity is the psychological term that tells us people feel obligated to give back to those who first give to them. The wise persuader looks to give “gifts” that are meaningful, customized and unexpected for the recipient. Giving in this way makes it easier to request a favor down the road.

But the person who gets the “gift” may not be the one who gets the most out of the transaction. In much the same way that employing the principle of liking impacts the persuader, so does reciprocity when it is done with right motives.

Ancient wisdom says, “Tis better to give than receive.” I know when I was a kid I thought, “No way!” because at Christmas, birthdays and other times it felt way better to get the gifts than give them.

However, as I got older I started to see the wisdom in those words. For my wife’s 52nd birthday I got her something I’d never heard of anyone giving before. I was excited to give it to her because of its uniqueness and I kept telling all of our friends about it because that heightened the surprise for Jane. My gift on that birthday was a promise that I would give her a gift a week for a year. In other words, 52 presents for her 52nd birthday.

I have to tell you it’s been a lot of fun for both of us! Certainly Jane enjoys the gift each week but what I think she appreciates most is the thoughtfulness. She doesn’t know anyone who has ever received that gift so she feels special. Each week when I give her a gift I video it then post it to Facebook because so many people are curious about what the 52 gifts will be. Everyone seems to enjoy it so it’s been nice to spread some cheer.

What I’ve enjoyed is a renewed focus on Jane because I’m constantly paying attention to what she says and does so I can find gifts that are meaningful. Our daughter, Abigail, gets in on the action too because I run many of my ideas by her.

Why is it better to give than receive? I’ve seen several reasons.

First, you experience joy when you give because being kind to others releases the hormone oxytocin into the blood stream. Oxytocin is the hormone that bonds mothers to babies and makes us feel closer to one another.

Second, while receiving is nice you never know when it will happen. However, giving is your choice and you can engage in it many times throughout the day. It could be buying coffee for the next person in line or letting someone over in heavy traffic. It really is the thought that counts and then taking action.

Third, quite often giving makes recipients more generous with other people they come in contact with. You can have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve set a positive chain of events in motion.

My fourth and final reason (but there are more) is that you’ll have confidence knowing if you need a favor you can turn to many of the people you’ve given to in the past and they’ll want to help you in return.

In the end, your act of giving generously, giving without strings attached, benefits you every bit as much as the recipient and sometimes more. Much like I wrote about the principle of liking last week, when you engage the principle of reciprocity not just to receive yourself, but out of a more noble reason, you become the real beneficiary.

Love the One You’re With

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Last week I mentioned I would be writing a series of posts on how you can use the principles of persuasion to influence your own behavior for positive changes.

Crosby, Stills and Nash have a famous song from the early ‘70s called “Love the One You’re With.” There’s a lot of wisdom in that little title and while we might not be able to “love” everyone, we can at least come to like people more than we do today.

In the psychology of influence, we talk about the principle of liking. When we like someone it’s easier to say, “Yes” to him or her. Or to look at it the opposite way, it’s harder to say “No” to people we like.

There are many things we can do to get people to like us. Two simple things are similarities and compliments.

When we learn we have something in common with someone it’s easy for them to connect with us and like us. Have you ever experienced a situation where you learned you had something in common with another person (hobby, hometown, college, pet, etc.) and the conversation just naturally flowed? Sure you have. We all have. You could probably tell that person liked you and responded differently to you than a stranger might.

When it comes to compliments, it’s easy to see the impact they have on others. When you give genuine praise the other person not only appreciates it, they feel better. Feelings are the result of chemical reactions in our bodies as different hormones are activated. When you routinely look for the best in others and let them know about your positive thoughts, they like you more because they like how you make them feel.

So how do you use this with yourself? The principle of liking isn’t just about getting someone to like you so they’ll do what you want them to do. The bigger implication is that you will come to like them! That’s right; as you connect through similarities and offer up genuine compliments you’ll convince yourself that you like them. This is the game changer in relationships because when you like someone you tend to:

  • Want the best for them
  • Offer up your best efforts
  • Care for them
  • Trust them

The list of positives could go on and on but you get the point. When you like someone they sense it and respond accordingly. The whole dynamic changes.

So here’s what I want you to do. Don’t approach new people thinking, “How can I get them to like me?” Instead start focusing on, “How can I come to like that person?” Look for ways to connect on similarities and offer genuine praise in order to persuade yourself. It’s often said the only person we can control or change is ourselves so do whatever you have to so you can come to like other people. I think you’ll find it easier, less frustrating and much more beneficial in the long run.

Humans Think When Habit Won’t Do

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Last week I had the pleasure of sitting through the Principles of Persuasion (POP) Workshop in Phoenix, Arizona once again. Even though I’ve taught this workshop more than 50 times it was a great refresher and exposed me to the new look, feel, and studies for the workshop upgrade.

Greg Neidert, Ph.D., led this POP for people from across the globe. Like Dr. Robert Cialdini, Dr. Neidert was a psychology professor at Arizona State University for many decades. He let attendees know the workshop distills more than 50 hours of classroom teaching into the most essential elements of persuasion in a two-day format. To say that trying to absorb that much information makes your brain tired would be an understatement!

Speaking of your tired brain, Dr. Neidert made a comment that caught my attention. He told us, “Humans think when habit won’t do.” Consider that for a moment – we think when habit won’t do.

Thinking is hard work. You don’t have to be a bricklayer to come home exhausted from work. Many of you reading this have office jobs but you can still feel wiped out at the end of a long day. Why? Henry Ford put it best when he said, “Thinking is some of the hardest work there is and that’s why so few people do it.”

Why is “thinking” so hard? You may not know it but the human brain is about 2% of the average person’s body weight and yet it consumes about 20% of your caloric intake. If your brain were a car we’d call it a gas hog.

One more interesting fact about your brain’s energy use – when you’re engaged in active, logical thinking your brain’s energy consumption rises by about 300%! You won’t feel short of breath but you’ll feel tired after long stretches of focused thought.

When you’re engaged in active thinking it’s hard work and most of us would prefer to not work too hard if we don’t have to. That’s where habits come in. If you consider some of your daily rituals (what you eat for breakfast, how you drive to work, how you start your day in the office, etc.) you’ll see there are very distinct patterns you follow almost automatically. You could say they are habit.

Here’s a personal example. I’m up every day by 4 AM and by 4:15 AM I’m in my basement lifting weights then running on the treadmill. It takes me an hour and a half to complete my workout. Most of the time I find myself falling into patterns doing the same exercises the same way. I could change things up in the moment but 4 AM is awfully early and working out is tiring so I don’t want to think about it! It’s only when I’m away from my gym, when I feel refreshed and relaxed that I even think about how I might change my workout regimen.

Our habits usually serve us well and that’s why we rely on them so much. But that doesn’t mean they’re perfect. Just like I take time to reassess my workouts you should take time to consider your habits (routines) because things change over time. Working out as 20 year-old was very different than what I do now because in addition to my body changing now that I’m over 50, my priorities have changed too. You may find that to be the case in your life if you take time to reassess your habits.

I’ve been considering writing a series of posts on how you can use the principles of persuasion to influence your own behavior. When Lydia, a POP attendee from China, asked me how the principles could be used to influence her own behavior it was confirmation that I need to address this topic because others have asked me that same question in the past.

So consider this the first post in the series that will focus on how you can make positive changes – habits – in your life using the principles of influence. Like working out, making changes will require effort because thinking is hard work but I have no doubt you’ll find it very worthwhile professionally and personally.

Values, Voting and Other Decisions

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I recently read Tony Robbins’ book, Unlimited Power, for the umpteenth time. Each time I reread it I have more respect for Tony’s deep understanding of the human mind and behavior. Despite not being a neuroscientist, social psychologist or behavioral economist, the insights he shares (the book was written 30 years ago) are spot on.

Each time I reread a good book, different insights come to light. Tony’s take on values caught my attention this time around. He defined values as “your own private, personal, and individual beliefs about what is most important to you. Your values are your belief systems about right, wrong, good, and bad.” He went on to say, “Our values are the things we all fundamentally need to move toward. If we don’t, we won’t feel whole and fulfilled.”

We all value different things and even when we value the same things we may not prioritize them the same way. For example, someone might place a high priority on love, respect, truthfulness and competency. For one person love may be the ultimate value but another might place respect above love. There is no right or wrong answer, because values mean different things to different people.

We’re in the most divisive election in U.S. history with each candidate having the highest unfavorable and distrusted ratings of any candidates since polls tracked those traits. It’s safe to say neither candidate would have much chance to win IF they were running against someone who was competent, likeable, and trustworthy. But, those are the two Americans have put in this position so barring something unforeseeable the next president will be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

It’s a fact that most voters vote on one or two issues that are most important to them. For self-identified Republicans, traditionally it was guns, gays and God. They were for guns (still are), against gay marriage (softened on that) and all about religious freedom (still lean towards that).

Democrats were seen as pro-choice, for gay rights, and for economic equality. It’s safe to say these are still very high priorities for most people who lean towards the Democratic Party.

Why is this important? If a person’s highest value is life then they’re probably anti-abortion and would be much more likely to vote Republican. On the flip side, someone who believes in freedom of choice would be much more likely to vote Democrat because of the pro-choice stance of the party.

Neither person is bad and neither is wrong. Based on their upbringing, life experiences and many other factors each has come to their own set of values and prioritizes them differently.

Elections are interesting because given the vast diversity we have in America, we are shoehorned into just two viable choices. No party fully represents anyone and sometimes there are things they support that people outright disagree with. However, given only two choices people tend to hold their nose and vote for the party that either aligns with their highest values or that aligns with most of their top values.

A big factor in voting this way is the principle of consistency. This principle says we feel internal psychological pressure and external social pressure to be consistent in what we say and do. When we’re not consistent we don’t feel good about ourselves and look for ways to resolve that feeling. One way we do this is through confirmation bias. We will look for evidence to support how we feel and what we believe to the exclusion of other information that may contradict our viewpoint.

As we get closer to the election keep this in mind because some people you know and like will be voting the opposite of you. Odds are you’ll know who those people are because social media gives everyone a voice. Be careful what you post and how you respond to friend’s posts because it’s not worth losing a friend over whom you support because once the election is over very few of us will be talking politics. The reality is you probably have much more in common with those who vote differently than you but you just don’t prioritize your values the same.

Do You Care What Others Think?

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I recently watched an interview with Tony Robbins and he was asked how to deal with the fear of failure. He said we all have fears and that everybody – presidents, multi-millionaires, professional athletes – has a place where they get fearful. He went on to say, “Train yourself to say, ‘I can be fearful and I can do it anyway.’” He encouraged listeners to use the energy that comes with fear to overcome the thing they fear.

Tony’s words resonated with me because quite often it’s not fear of failure that controls us, it’s fear of what others think of us that holds us back. Feeling pressured to conform to the expectations of others is called peer pressure when we’re young.

When we get older we like to think we’re above peer pressure but we still care greatly what others think about us. We may not feel the peer pressure that comes with youth (underage drinking, drugs, sex) but we do care what our peers (coworkers, teammates, club members, fans) think of us. In social psychology it’s called consensus or social proof. This principle of influence alerts us to the truth that much of our behavior is dictated by what others are doing or thinking.

Don’t believe me? Let’s consider Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt was the greatest player of his era and is considered by many as the greatest basketball player ever. A few his records include:

  • Most points in a season: 4,029 (almost a thousand more than Michael Jordan’s best season)
  • Highest season average: 50.4 pts./game (Jordan’s best year was 37.1)
  • Most points in a game: 100
  • Most games scoring 50 or more points: 118

Something Chamberlain was terrible at compared to other NBA players was free throw shooting. His career average was just over 51%. Early in his career he was so bad he switched to the two-handed underhand method when he was at the foul line. When I was a kid we called it the “granny shot.” With the change Wilt’s free throw shooting improved! And then he switched back! Why?

According to best selling Malcolm Gladwell, Wilt switched back because of peer pressure. More specifically, he thought he looked like a sissy shooting underhanded from the free throw line. Imagine that, the greatest player of his time, perhaps all time, made a choice that hurt his game and team because of the fear of how it made him look!

To put this in perspective, Wilt Chamberlain was the LeBron James of his day. He stood 7’1 tall, weighed 275 lbs., and moved like a gazelle. His athletic prowess was decades ahead of his time. He bragged near the end of his life that he’d slept with over 20,000 women. If there was anyone who was supremely self-confident, it was Wilt Chamberlain. And still he caved to what people thought of him in one area of life that mattered a lot.

Perhaps if Wilt had met Tony Robbins he would have converted his fear into resolve which may have extended some of his records, helped his team win more games, and perhaps led to another championship or two.

Do you care what others think about you? Of course you do. Have you learned to stay true to what is right and best for you? If not, take the advice of Tony Robbins and acknowledge your fear then harness the energy that comes with fear and beat it!

Just Say No

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I teach people how to hear “Yes!” In fact, my branding slogan is “Helping You Learn to Hear ‘Yes!’” However, sometimes you have to “just say no” and it’s not always easy. Consider the following:

  • “Just say no to drugs.” Parents and educators used this slogan to combat drugs in school. It’s easier said than done because parents and teachers are not combating the power of peer pressure.
  • Saying no to your boss. This can be especially difficult because some people feel they’re not allowed to say no to anyone who has authority over them. Others feel saying no to the boss is tantamount to admitting weakness.
  • Saying no to your child or spouse. We all want to be liked and hate to disappoint. Both of those feelings are magnified with those we love and quite often we’ll give in to those people in ways we never would with others.

No matter who you are or what the circumstances, learning to say no is extremely important. You may not know this but Robert Cialdini undertook the study of persuasion because he said he was a patsy. He wanted to know why he always said yes to people who made requests of him. Feeling comfortable saying no is so important that each chapter of Cialdini’s best selling book Influence contains ways to combat the principles of influence when you feel they’re being used unethically against you.

I want to quickly share a story with you about our daughter, Abigail, and learning to say no. When she was in the 6th grade her class went to a camp along with other schools and my wife, Jane, went as a chaperon.

Jane said a rule at camp was this; if kids didn’t finish all of their food during mealtime the table had to sing. Abigail’s table didn’t finish all of their food at one meal and was required to sing. Abigail stood with her classmates but didn’t sing because she doesn’t like to sing. The counselor noticed her not singing and let everyone sit down except Abigail. She told Abigail she had to sing.

According to Jane, Abigail told the counselor she didn’t like to sing. The counselor said she’d get Abigail to sing and Abigail replied, “No, you won’t.” A battle of wills ensued. Eventually Abigail’s friend’s stood up and said they’d sing with her but she refused. She never gave in.

Shortly after that Abigail and I were driving and I said, “Mom told me what happened at camp.” I’m sure Abigail thought she was going to get in trouble but instead I said, “I’m really proud of you.” She asked why and I told her, “It’s important to learn to say no because if you don’t some people will take advantage of you. But there can be consequences if you say no to someone who has the right to ask you to do something, like a teacher. So, you have my permission to say no but choose wisely.”

I think parents have much more impact on their kids than they realize, especially when kids know mom or dad has their back. I believe my affirmation of Abigail that day gave her confidence to say no. Throughout high school she said no to sex, drinking, drugs and many other things she didn’t agree with. She said no despite the peer pressure to do otherwise. That strength of character gives me confidence as she gets ready to transition from college to living on her own in the future.

The same logic applies in business. I believe employees who know their boss has their back will feel more comfortable saying no when the situation dictates that’s the right response.

A couple of question to ponder as we close. First, do you give significant people in your life permission to say no? Second, do you work with those same people on how they might say no in a way that’s less offensive but still assertive? Those are two skills that will serve your loved ones and employees well.