Perception is Reality; Not really

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You’ve heard it said, “Perception is reality.” What that means is how someone experiences something has a huge impact on their thoughts, emotions and behavior but, make no mistake about it, perception is not always reality.

Take two people who experience the very same thing but react completely differently. Suppose they are turned down for the same job. Let’s suppose one person decides to go back to the interview team to learn what he or she can do to perhaps get that job in the future. Imagine the other person sees the situation as a confirmation that he or she doesn’t have what it takes because in the past they’ve not gotten what they wanted.

The reality is exactly the same for each person – they were turned down for the same job – but each person’s interpretation is what impacts their future reality. From How-To Guide for Generations at Work by Robby Slaughter and Nancy Ahlrichs, it says “Most importantly, perception is reality. A strong conviction about a colleague’s perceived opinion has more bearing on a person’s actions than the truth.”

Reality can usually be measured and agreed upon. It’s truth. For example, the sky is blue. The colors that come through the atmosphere produce a prism of light we’ve agreed to call blue. You can call it green, red or anything else you want but the reality of the light emanating from the sky is the same.

Another reality is 2+2=4. You can wish it were something different and even call it something different but that doesn’t change the reality that having two items and adding two more means you now have four items.

Fortunately you can change your perception of situations! The famous American philosopher and psychologist William James said, “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”

In other words, we may not change reality but when we choose to change how we think about reality, that choice can transform us.

Here’s a great example. In the spring of 2011 storms and tornadoes ravaged the Midwest. Tuscaloosa, Ala., and Joplin, Mo., were two communities that were devastated. In that one quarter State Auto Insurance lost more money than in any previous year in the 90-year history of the company! Employees were down because the focus was “the worst quarter in the history of the company.”

John Petrucci, my boss and VP of Sales at the time, took a different approach. He started telling people it was the best quarter in the history of the company! You see, when people buy insurance they’re buying a promise – a promise that the company will be there to help when misfortune and tragedy strike. John’s view was, “This is the best quarter in the history of the company because we’ve never been able to fulfill our promise more than in this quarter!” That different viewpoint began to lift people’s spirits and that was important because we needed to be at our best physically and mentally to help our customers who needed us.

Is perception reality? No, because reality is neutral. How we interpret reality is entirely up to us. We need to make conscious choices to let go of thoughts that are not true and all too often hold us back.

Let me end with a quote from Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can, or think you can’t – you’re right.” Which will you choose?

My Name is Brian and You Are?

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In his classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

There is no word that catches our attention more than our name. That’s why you can be in a noisy, crowded area, straining to listen to someone talk but all of a sudden if you hear your name you can easily tune into wherever it came from.

I share those insights because recently I had an experience because of my friend Loring Mellien, a.k.a. “Pud.” You might recall reading about Pud in a post about a month ago because of the joy he gets in helping others.

Something I’ve learned from observing Pud in the real world is the value of using people’s names. No matter where we are – a bar, restaurant, poolside talking to a DJ, on an Uber ride, Pud will always introduce himself and ask the other person’s name. Conversation instantly flows.

In my new role as Director of Learning at State Auto Insurance, I routinely walk into the building around 6:45 each morning. As I enter I see the same security guard behind a desk every day. He asks to see my ID badge, I ask how he’s doing, he asks how I am then I’m on my way to my office. Very generic stuff.

As I walked in not too long ago I wondered why I’d never bothered to ask his name since we see each other every day and there’s usually no one else around. I started to realize the more time passed the more awkward it would be to ask his name. After all, if a year went by it would be strange to finally ask, “What’s your name?” So I decided not to wait any longer. Taking a prompt from Pud I simply said, “I come in here every day and we say hi and it occurs to me I don’t know your name.” I stretched out my hand and said, “My name is Brian and you are?” He stood up with a smile on his face and said, “I’m Tom,” as he shook my hand. He looked genuinely happy and it made me wonder how many other people have bothered to ask him his name.

Later that day when he was in a different part of the building I waved from a distance and he smiled as he waved back. I’m sure things will be different every morning as I walk in now and that sometimes conversation will ensue instead of a simple hello.

Sharing this reminds me of a time when I was traveling many years ago. I went to Friday’s for dinner while in Nashville for business, sat at the bar with a copy of USA Today when all of a sudden the bartender said, “Hi, I’m Ryan,” sticking his hand out. He continued, “What’s your name?” I told him my name and noticed the whole evening felt different as he said, “How’s your food, Brian?” “Brian, need another beer?” “Thanks for coming in, Brian.” All of these phrases made me feel like a friend was waiting on me. It changed the experience for the good and his tip was better because of it.

Pretty simple stuff but like many simple things in life, we can either overlook them or get to a point where it seems weird or awkward to act on what we know we should do. Even though I teach this stuff it’s not always natural for me to be that outgoing. It takes effort whereas for some people it would take restraint not to be that outgoing. But the more I do it the easier it gets. A simple act like this will make your day better and make other people’s day better too. Not only that, you’ll meet some interesting people along the way and make some friends and that could come in handy down the road if you need a favor because it taps into the principle of liking.

So I challenge you this week – introduce yourself to strangers and ask their name. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

That Silent Nudge

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Have you ever experienced any of the following?

  • You reviewed an email and felt something was off but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Eventually you sent it after rereading it one more time only to notice an error just after hitting send!
  • You left the house and felt something wasn’t right. You mentally reviewed your steps considering the rest of your day but decided to leave the house anyway. Before you know it you realize you forget your phone or wallet!

This happened to me recently as I wrapped up a workshop. I had my laptop bag over one shoulder and several items, including a workbook and handouts, in the opposite hand. Some workshop attendees came up to talk and when we were finished I headed out the door. I had a momentary feeling that something was different but continued on despite the feeling. Later that night I realized I’d left my workbook and handouts on a table because I’d sent them down during that final conversation! Fortunately the hotel had not thrown them away when I called the next morning.

In each case noted above, your subconscious and mine was trying to tell us something but our subconscious doesn’t use words to communicate. It uses feeling, gut instinct and other discernable cues. I told one friend it’s like the look my wife Jane occasionally gives me. I know something is up but I’m not sure what it is even though I’m supposed to. I wish she’d just tell me but most of the time she doesn’t and I’m left to try and figure it out.

The human subconscious is a marvelous thing because it’s helped humans survive. It’s what alerts us to danger before we know what’s actually happening so we can react appropriately. Gavin de Becker does a wonderful job explaining this in his book The Gift of Fear. I highly recommend you picking up this book, especially if you’re a woman, because understanding this might just save your life.

I’ve noted in past posts that experts vary on how much of our behavior is driven by our subconscious but they agree it’s a lot; at least 85% and could be higher than 95%.

The principles of influence I teach on behalf of Robert Cialdini often impact us on the subconscious level. By that I mean, before we fully understand why we’re doing what we’re doing, we make quick decisions. One example has to do with the contrast phenomenon.

In a survey of blog readers many years ago, I posed the following question:

You are at a store considering buying a high-end electronic item for $879. While there you learn you can drive across town and get the same item for $859. Will you make the trip (approx. 30 minutes)?

Only 13% said they would make the drive. However, with another group, when the item they were considering was $79 and they could get it for $59 somewhere else, 49% said they would go to the other store – nearly four times more! It’s highly unlikely anybody was thinking, “Is $20 worth 30 minutes of my time?” Everyone was subconsciously comparing to an arbitrary number and making a decision based on that.

One more example. If you called a friend for a favor, let’s say to move a heavy piece of furniture in your home, they most likely wouldn’t say to themself, “Pat is my friend so I should help.” Instead they would probably say yes if they had the time and strength. In other words they’re not analyzing the friendship but the friendship (the principle of liking) plays heavily into the decision making. In case you wonder consider this; if you asked a stranger they would say no because they don’t know you and would consciously wonder why a stranger would ask something so ridiculous.

In conclusion, understanding the silent nudge of the subconscious is important for a couple of reasons.

First, recognizing that nudge, a nagging feeling, and taking time to consider your next step more thoughtfully can help avoid small errors like the email noted above and bigger errors like forgetting your wallet on the way to the airport.

Second, knowing the power of the subconscious should make you more determined to look for ethical ways to employ the principles of influence because doing so will make it easier for others to say yes to you.

Man’s Need to Add Meaning

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Over the years I’ve watched many of the Ken Burns PBS documentaries while running on my treadmill. I started with The War (WWII), and then it was on to Prohibition, The Dust Bowl, The Civil War, Baseball, Jazz, and most recently The Roosevelts. If you’ve never seen any of them I can’t encourage you enough to check them out because they are amazing!

I must admit, I’m not much of a baseball fan but the storytelling from the narrator and interviewees were so compelling and the players so interesting in that series, that I found myself excited every day to learn more about the history of the sport. Something that really stood out was the importance so many people put on the game of baseball as well as the meaning and significance they attached to America’s national pastime.

When it comes to necessity, I think it’s safe to say the local grocery store, corner gas station, a nearby hospital, your town’s fire department, banks and any number of other businesses or institutions are far more important to daily life than baseball. If baseball were gone tomorrow many people would be upset, would miss it terribly but life would go on pretty much as it does during the baseball offseason. However, without some of the institutions noted above, life would be much more difficult, dangerous and perhaps deadly in a matter of days in some cases.

So why is a sport like baseball so important to so many people? I think much of it has to do with the meaning we ascribe to it and the significance we attach to the game, its players, and the statistics. This line of thinking was driven home as I read the following from Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind, in which he quoted a prominent linguist, George Lakoff:

“‘A large part of self-understanding,’ says Lakoff, ‘is the search for appropriate personal metaphors that make sense of our lives.’ The more we understand metaphor, the more we understand ourselves.”

In his most famous work, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl shared his life experience having survived three years in four different Nazi concentration camps. He believed he could translate the pain he endured into a meaningful life where he helped others.

It’s a subtle, yet important difference: drawing meaning from what you’ve personally experienced versus something else like a sport. But in the end it’s the same desire – we want to know that our lives have meaning and significance. It’s inevitable that sometimes we attach more meaning to some things than perhaps they deserve. From the Burns’ series on baseball here are some examples:

Willie Mays is known more for his famous over the shoulder catch than any other play. It took incredible skill to cover as much ground as he did then essentially make a blind catch over his left shoulder. People who saw it swore nobody else could have made that catch. Spectacular? Yes! Impossible for anyone else? Doubtful.

When the Dodgers and Giants left New York it seemed disastrous! Fans were outraged and felt betrayed but the sun came up the next day and has every day for 60+ years. Life continued on just as it had before baseball. Their well-being and significance wasn’t as wrapped up in a team as they thought.

It was thought that no one else could have done what Jackie Robinson did. What he did was heroic, considering all that was going on in society and he is to be admired for his courage to step into the situation becoming the first black player in the majors. But if it were not Jackie, someone would have eventually taken on that role.

This post in no way is meant to diminish baseball or any of its heroes. In fact, quite the opposite for me because I haven’t been as drawn to the game as I was watching the series, since I was an adolescent.

However, sometimes we attach too much significance to things, people, and events and that choice ends up hurting us. If your favorite team fails to win the big game or championship it stinks but life goes on. Or if a hero turns out to be something different than what we thought (Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Pete Rose, etc.) it devastates some people. To allow any of these situations to do more than give you a bad day or memory is to give it more power over your life than it deserves.

People, places and things do not define us. We define ourselves and that means we can narrate our own stories. So I’ll leave you with this question – What story are you writing?

Influencers from Around the World – How to Persuade Yourself to Re-set Your Priorities in Life

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Hoh Kim has been a guest blogger for Influence PEOPLE since I began the Influencers from Around the World series seven years ago. Hoh and I became friends when we went through the Cialdini certification training together.

Hoh has his Ph.D. in Culture Technology from Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology; his dissertation title was “Psychological and neural influences of public apology on audience responses in corporate crisis situations.” I know you’ll enjoy his post that reflects on life and death.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

How to Persuade Yourself to Re-set Your Priorities in Life

Death has power. Even thinking about death influences our emotions. What power will it have for you? Thinking about my own death makes me to reflect my life. Yes, my life as a whole, not just the career success or marriage or kids, my whole life as a “grand picture.”

If you reflect from the future and look back on your life as a whole it will let you know what your priorities should be. Think about it for a moment; if I die at the end of this year my colleagues will not be a priority but my closest friends and family will be. If I die in the next year a promotion will not be my priority but spending more time with my loved ones, traveling, or happy times in the my home will be. If I die in three years, networking dinners or cocktail parties will not be my priorities but learning carpenter skills, which I’ve wanted to do for many years, will be. But I didn’t take action…

Of course, I don’t mean you have to quit your job right away and travel around the world with your friends and family starting tomorrow. Thinking about my death expands my viewpoint on life as a whole because I look at the big pictures and priorities.

There is a tool that can help you to think about your death: Obituary written by yourself before you die (here, “before” could mean from one year before to 40+ years before).

Visit your preferred news website and find your preferred people who already passed away. Read their obituaries and try to write your own one. You may already read the story. Some people actually wrote their obituaries before they die.

I have a draft and sometimes I revise it. It helps me to think about my life as a whole and set my priorities. Even you can ask trusted friends and loved ones to write your obituary from their perspectives.

What is it to do with the persuasion? Writing your own obituary and thinking about your death in the future will persuade you to reset your current life priorities. Your death has a real power because thinking about death makes us think about life.

HohHoh Kim, Ph.D.
Founder, Head Coach & Lead
Facilitator, THE LAB h
E-mail: hoh.kim@thelabh.com
Home: www.THELABh.com

The Hidden Recesses of Your Mind

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The human mind is perhaps the greatest creation in the universe. In the past century we’ve started to unlock the mysteries of the mind through scientific study. Here are a few interesting brain facts:

  • Your brain consumes approximately 20 percent of your calories but accounts for about 2 percent of your weight.
  • It’s not true that we only use 10 percent of our brains.
  • There 100 billion neurons in the brain, six times more than the number of people on earth.

Several weeks ago I wrote a post called What The Hell Were You Thinking? and shared stories about how we often do things but don’t realize why we do them. Malcolm Gladwell explored this in his book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. He shared several studies that showed mere exposure to words and ideas can change people’s behavior. For example:

  • People exposed to words typically associated with the elderly walked slower after seeing the words.
  • People who wrote a paragraph about the last book they read got more Trivial Pursuits questions correct than those who wrote about a fight at a soccer game.

The reason this is top of mind is because of something that happened not too long ago. I was in the middle of replying to an email when I realized I was supposed to be on a conference call. I dialed in but kept my eye on the emails coming in regarding the issue I was involved with.

After a few minutes a young coworker I’ve been mentoring resolved the issue to the delight of another coworker. His handling of the situation was brilliantly orchestrated so I replied, “Well–played, maestro.” I pasted a picture of a maestro in the email to be light-hearted.

When I returned my full attention to the conference call it leaped out at me when the vendor we were talking to referred to a version of their product called…Maestro!

When I referred to my coworker as maestro and pasted the picture in the email I had no recollection, none whatsoever, of that word having been mentioned on the call! But without a doubt it was fixed in my subconscious and impacted my behavior just as Gladwell described in his book.

This brings to mind a time when Jane told me about a dream she had. In the dream she described a woman with a red top and white pants. It was no coincidence to me that the night before we’d met a woman, a friend of a friend, who was wearing a red top and white pants. Jane didn’t remember meeting her but it was apparent that despite the lack of memory it was the reason for the woman in her dream.

The human brain is fascinating and despite all we know there is much we still have to learn. For you and I it’s important to understand that things our brain has taken in, but doesn’t consciously process, impact much of what we say and do. Every now and then we should pause and ask ourselves why we do what we do because not all of our decisions are good ones. When we make bad decisions we need to correct them before they become detrimental or before they become bad habits.

The Immediate Influence of Behavior

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Have you ever read Viktor Frankl’s classic work Man’s Search for Meaning? If you haven’t I can’t recommend it enough! It’s one of the most impacting books I’ve ever read. Despite the sobering description of life in Nazi concentration camps the book has sold more than 12 million copies since it was first published in 1946.

I recently suggested the book to several friends, so I decided to reread the book myself…for no less than the sixth time. Each time I go back to it something new jumps out at me and this time the following quote stood out, “The immediate influence of behavior is always more effective than that of words.”

Think about that quote for just a moment. Frankl’s insight from life in with most horrible conditions lines up with other similar observations from other great thinkers.

“Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.” – Aristotle

“Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Words do matter because they conjure up images, thoughts and feelings that lead to actions. Frankl acknowledged this when he wrote, “But at times a word was effective too, when mental receptiveness had been intensified by some outer circumstances.” However, as someone who wants to be an effective persuader your words will fall on deaf ears if your words and deeds don’t line up. “Do as I say, not as I do,” won’t cut it. After all, if you don’t believe what you’re saying or you don’t adhere to the principles you espouse then why would anyone else?

Nobody is perfect and people don’t expect you to be perfect. When you fail your best bet is to follow Dale Carnegie’s wisdom, “If you’re wrong admit it quickly and emphatically.” I believe most people are forgiving and many times you’ll actually gain credibility when you own up to your mistakes. This taps into what Robert Cialdini calls the principle of authority and the studies he cites show you can gain trust by admitting weakness or mistakes. The sooner you ‘fess up the better.

I observed this not too long ago when State Auto’s CEO Mike LaRocco interacted with employees across the country in an open forum. Since his arrival last May, Mike has encouraged a culture that embraces candor. During the open forum someone spoke up about fear of reprisal from managers when being candid and Mike made a flippant remark and basically blew off the person’s concern. But almost immediately he caught himself and said his response was wrong. He then proceeded to address the concern. Not only did his actions stand out to me, they stood out to many others I spoke with afterwards. He’s talking the talk and more importantly, he’s walking the walk.

So to come full circle, if you want to be effective when it comes to influencing others start with yourself and remember Frankl’s immortal wisdom, “The immediate influence of behavior is always more effective than that of words.” Be a person of consistency and integrity and you’ll enjoy far more professional success and personal happiness.

Persuasive Marketing the Old Fashioned Way

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People often ask me if Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence are as effective today as they were when he first wrote about them 30 years ago. I emphatically reply, “Yes!”

The methods of communication may be changing – email instead of letters, text or instant messaging instead of phone calls, online advertising instead of television commercials, to name a few – but humans have not evolved nearly as much in the last century.

The human brain has not changed as rapidly as technology so you can rest assured the principles of influence work every bit as well today as in the past IF you understand them and employ them correctly.

Even though the preferred methods of communication may be changing, things like television ads, phone calls and letters are not going away any time soon so the smart marketer will be looking to use the principles with traditional media during this transition.

A friend recently gave me a marketing letter he received from AT&T because he knew I’d be interested in it from a persuasion perspective. I’d like to point out several places where AT&T is effectively using influence.

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At the top the letter had my friend’s name – John – which personalized the communication. Dale Carnegie said the sweetest sound to anyone is the sound of their own name. Our name catches our attention and that’s the marketer’s opportunity to keep you reading.

In the opening paragraph it reads, “Per your request…” Closely read the letter and you’ll realize it isn’t directed to the person who received the letter. It’s written to David Banks of AT&T’s Consumer Marketing Department. Like most people reading something like this I didn’t pay close attention so it took me a couple of reads to figure that out.

If the person reading the letter assumes it’s directed at them then “Per your request” taps into consistency. This principle tells us people feel psychological pressure to be consistent in what they say and do. If you requested something it’s much more likely you’ll take time to read the rest of the letter and consider the offer.

The next paragraph mentions a number of free offers. People love free to the point of irrationality. Dan Ariely wrote about our obsession with free in Predictably Irrational. One example Ariely frequently cites is how often people purchase additional items on Amazon just to get the free shipping. In the end they spend much more money!

Being offered the free items up front is an attempt to engage reciprocity although it doesn’t actually do it in this letter because unless you take AT&T up on the offer you’ve not received anything. It’s only when you get something that you feel obligated to do something in return. Nonetheless, a potential free offer keeps the reader interested.

The fourth paragraph reads, “We don’t want John to miss out on this great deal.” This is the principle of scarcity. People hate the thought of losing out, especially on great deals, so it motivates behavior that wouldn’t otherwise happen.

At the bottom of the page the “Reviewed” stamp adds an element of authority. As noted above, the letter is to David Banks from AT&T’s Consumer Marketing Department and the stamp shows he reviewed and approved the offer.

Last but not least is the “hand written” yellow sticky note affixed to the top of the letter. In a blog post I called 700,000 Great Reasons to Use Sticky Notes, I went into detail about how using these little post it notes can dramatically increase response rates. This sticky note looks hand written and that engages reciprocity because the perception is that someone took a little more time to put the sticky note on the letter and more time to actually write the note.

Now you may be thinking this would never work on you and you might be correct. However, it works on enough people that AT&T and many other smart companies incorporate this type of psychology into their communications. If it didn’t work they’d quickly abandon approaches like this in search of others that do work.

Using the principles of influence won’t make a bad product good or a lousy offer better. But, in a day and age where we’re assaulted thousands of times a day with marketing messages, small tweaks to communications might be the things that grab attention and keep people reading. And that’s the goal of marketing because in the absence of that, nobody would take AT&T up on an offer like the one you just read.

Combating ISIS with NICES: Giving and Receiving

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As I write this post there have been ISIS attacks in Belgium, Iraq and Pakistan, not to mention attacks in numerous other countries before all the recent tragedies. Their increased activity has people living in fear despite the reality that the likelihood of dying in an ISIS terrorist attack is so much less than dying in an airlines disaster or car accident.

The irrational fear is because of the recency effect. Those things we can quickly recall to mind impact our thoughts and behavior more than other things that might have a far greater chance of impacting us. Think for a moment; we don’t stop flying or driving even though the risks from those activities is far greater than dying from a terrorist attack. Similarly, a poor diet and lack of exercise will kill many more people “before their time” than will terrorist attacks!

Jesus told his followers more than 2,000 years ago it was better to give than receive. Even if you don’t consider yourself a follower of Christ, do you really believe that? I think most people just pay that saying lip service. Very few people get more joy giving than receiving mostly because they stay focused on a “me first” and “looking out for #1” attitude.

One person I know who does get more from giving than receiving is my friend Loring Mellien, also known as Pud to his friends. I saw this clearly on a recent trip to San Diego for his daughter April’s wedding. There’s a world famous golf course in San Diego called Torrey Pines and my wife Jane (an avid, almost addicted, golfer) was intent on playing there. Pud was just as intent on helping her make her dream come true. As Pud and I talked beforehand I told him I thought he might just get more joy out of seeing Jane get the chance to play Torrey Pines than she would actually playing there. Pud is a rare person because he truly gets more joy helping people than he gets from receiving. I also think he gets more happiness from helping others than they get from realizing their goals and desires.

How does this apply to ISIS? Most of the world is living in fear of a tiny group of people when we could do so much more to combat ISIS. I’m not talking about combating them with military forces. I’m talking about combating them with the admonition to love one another and giving, rather than looking to get.

What a message we could send to the world if we all adopted the attitude that you are more important than me! What if we always asked what do you need? How can I help you? The more we do so the more we’ll experience the joy that comes with giving.

How does this relate to influence? Studies form people like Adam Grant show when we help others we do feel better about ourselves (the joy of giving) but that’s not all we’re after. The real value is that when we help others they’re more inclined to help others as a result. That’s the basis of the “pay it forward” concept. Unlike terrorism, which feeds on fear, the more good we do the more good will spread!

If light dispels the darkness and if love conquers evil then we should be able to rid ourselves of the fear from groups like ISIS and others who hate, simply by loving and giving. When I talk of love I’m not talking about the feeling of falling in love but the choice to place another’s well-being above your own and looking for ways to give.

I challenge you this week to look for ways to love and give. Take notice of how you feel and how others respond. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised in both cases and your small part of the world will be better off because of you.

What The Hell Were You Thinking?

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What the hell were you thinking? Ever thought (or said) that as you interacted with someone? Anyone ever said that to you? I bet at least one person thought it because we’ve all done things without thinking.

There’s lots of research that clearly shows the vast amount of our behavior is driven by non-conscious forces. Martin Lindstrom, author of Buyology, believes 85% of what we do is driven by our subconscious. I’ve seen other stats that put that number closer to 95%. Bob Nease, author of The Power of 50 Bits wrote, “of the ten million bits of information our brains process every second, only 50 bits are devoted to conscious thought.” Wow, that’s not much!

Bottom line, we don’t always know why we do what we do because we don’t devote much effort to thinking about it. Henry Ford famously said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.” Using our brains in conscious thought takes a lot of energy and humans were built to conserve precious calories for survival – for activities like hunting, running or fighting off enemies. We may not need those precious calories for those same reasons in today’s world but the human brain has not evolved as rapidly as society.

I recall a time when Abigail was five years old and she overheard Jane and I talking about a couple that was going to move out of the neighborhood. Abigail asked if her friend Jordan was leaving and when we said yes, Abigail cried. It wasn’t the cry of a five-year old that wanted a toy or candy; it was a cry from a deeper place because she knew she was losing her best friend.

During the next week Jane told me Abigail had been acting like a brat. I said I thought it was because Jordan was moving. Jane didn’t agree but I said, “Think about how often we’ve said or done things and not known why. She’s five years old and knows her best friend is moving but doesn’t know how to process that so it’s coming out in bad behavior.”

During a drive I told Abigail that mom said she’d been acting bad. There was a guilty look on her face because she knew it was true. I told her I thought it was because Jordan was moving and explained why. Abigail is 20 years old now and still remembers that conversation.

One more story. When I was in high school I was expelled for three days for inappropriate language towards a teacher. The teacher and I disagreed on something and when she said, “If you don’t like it you can leave,” I responded with, “Fine, I don’t give a damn. I’ll get the hell out of here.” She tracked me down in the hallway and to her credit she gave me every opportunity to apologize. Being an angry, testosterone-filled teenager, I refused and suffered the consequences.

Here’s the reality. My parents were going through a divorce and that certainly was having an impact on me but I had no clue. If you would have tried to tell me the divorce was impacting my thinking and behavior I would have denied it and insisted the teacher was an expletive. There’s plenty of research to show something like divorce has a huge negative impact on kids but as an angry teenager I didn’t know what the hell I was thinking or feeling when I responded to the teacher in an uncharacteristic way.

Why am I writing about this? When it comes to influencing others you need to understand where they’re coming from, why they’re doing what they’re doing even if they might not be fully aware. It’s not easy, especially if someone says or does something that offends you, but if you’re able to step back for a moment, trying to understand why they said or did something, you’ll probably respond in a different, better way. Seldom does matching intense emotion with intense emotion lead to a better outcome.

That teacher wasn’t an expletive. She was a good teacher and a good friend to my older sister. As I mentioned earlier, she gave me a chance to apologize and I didn’t take it. The result was a three-day suspension and I suspect loss of being a National Honor Society student as a junior.

What the hell was I thinking? I didn’t know then but I do now. I encourage you to give more thought to why you do what you do and a little more grace to others when you wonder what the hell they’re thinking.