Cecil the Lion – Why the Outpouring of Sympathy?

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Across the globe there has been outrage expressed over the illegal killing of Cecil the Lion. It’s been front and center in the news and all over social media. It’s led to the outing of the Minnesota dentist, his business address and even death threats. So why is there such outrage over an animal’s death when innocent people are killed every day and some in much more horrific fashion?

We don’t value lions inherently because they’re beautiful creatures. Indeed, not too long ago those who hunted them as big game were revered. President Teddy Roosevelt, an avid hunter, was one such man. We’re concerned about Cecil more because the principle of scarcity alerts us to the reality that we value things more when they’re rare or diminishing.

At this point in time, with lions being an endangered species, we fear losing these creatures for good.

Did you know in Chicago, 238 people have been shot and killed from January through July of this year? Think about that for a moment – 238 people (fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters) dead. Why isn’t there more outrage over that? As the brutal Russian dictator Joseph Stalin once said, “The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic.” The sad reality is we become numb to large numbers.

Dan Ariely, author of Predictably Irrational, cites studies that highlight this reality.

It would seem rational that people would give more to help a cause when they realize how big the problem is but that’s not the case. People do not donate as much to a cause when the magnitude is highlighted versus individualizing it. By that I mean, telling people hundreds or thousands of people need help will not be as effective in soliciting donations as highlighting one individual who needs help. We can connect with an individual but highlighting the magnitude of a problem can seem so overwhelming that one person’s effort can’t possibly make much of a difference.

Something else to consider is that humans have a capacity to normalize things like death. Victor Frankl’s classic book Man’s Search for Meaning shows this. A survivor of four different concentration camps, Frankl talks about how he and others became less and less affected by the death and destruction around them.

Had they felt the weight of each death it would have been too overwhelming so their response in many ways was a survival mechanism.

And some people wonder why we would ever care more about an animal than a human. That goes back thousands of years. Jesus was confronted by the Pharisees for healing a man on the Sabbath. He scolded them saying they would pull an ox out of a ditch on the Sabbath but helping a man was far more important.

Lastly, we value some animals more than others because with some animals we have more of a connection. Lions are the “king of the jungle” and have become more than an animal through shows like The Lion King and The Chronicles of Narnia. The same could be said of other animals such as pigs (Miss Piggy from The Muppets or Babe from the movie with the same name) and dogs (man’s best friend).

So what’s the point in this post? Simply to enlighten you a little on the psychology behind the response to Cecil’s death and the questions that are being asked about the deaths of other animals, individuals and groups of people. Our responses to these tragedies don’t always make sense from a logical perspective but it’s how we’re wired.

Donald Trump’s mASS appeal

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Donald Trump has struck a nerve with the Republican Party, the media, and many Americans. You might say he has mASS appeal. He’s brash, offensive and unapologetic. The Republican Party knows he holds the key to their possible victory or defeat in the 2016 election should he choose to run as a third party candidate. The media cannot try any harder to discredit him and his poll numbers only rise. Many Americans find him offensive but because he resonates with so many, he has to be take seriously as seen by his #1 standing going into and after the first primary debate.

I must confess, when Trump announced his candidacy and made the remarks he did about illegal Mexican immigrants being rapists and murders, I was shocked. I posted on Facebook that Fox News and anyone else who took him seriously after those comments would lose all credibility. I was wrong.

Love him or hate him there’s no denying he’s having an impact on the Republican primary and might do the same in the general election if he remains a strong presence but doesn’t win over the establishment as the nominee.

So why is “The Donald” commanding so much attention? I have a theory. In recent years there have been many television shows which have captivated American audiences such as Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, Dexter, and Mad Men to name just a few. If you’ve seen these shows then you know you find yourself rooting for the bad guy.

In Breaking Bad, the lead character is Walter White, an unassuming high school chemistry teacher who begins to churn out crystal meth after he gets lung cancer. He does so to provide for his family and despite his downward spiral you root for him.

Jax Teller is the lead in Sons of Anarchy. He wants to follow his late father’s ideas to get his motorcycle gang out of drugs and guns. As he manipulates and kills, you still find yourself pulling for him because his ultimate desire is good.

Dexter is the lead in the show by the same name. He’s a serial killer who has learned to confine his psychopathic nature to only killing bad people, the kind that most people feel deep in their heart deserve the death penalty for their heinous crimes. You not only pull for Dexter you actually come to like him.

Much less psychopathic and not a killer, Don Draper is the lead in Mad Men. The ad man is a womanizer and heavy drinker with a past he tries to hide because it could land him in jail. You see a good side of Don shine every now and then and consequently you pull for him despite his character flaws.

In each show we don’t root for the bad guys because we agree with their antics but something about each stands out – we know who they are. We know they’re bad but each really does want something better for himself, his family and friends. By contrast, so many “good” people they come in contact with aren’t actually good and viewers find themselves repelled by their false veneers. In real life think about Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong and many others who appeared to be good people until the truth was found out. It’s a classic case of the contrast phenomenon.

When it comes to politicians very few people truly believe any of them have our (Americans) best interest at heart. We’ve seen enough scandal (infidelity, drugs, bribes, etc.) that we see them all as having the false veneer covering a desire for power. We wonder when the next politician will fall because it’s only a matter of time.

With Donald what you see is what you get. When asked how he can disavow politicians who take large contributions after he’s made those political contributions, he’s candid when he says (my paraphrase) – “I know how the system works and paying money got me favors I would need down the road. But, I have so much money I can’t be bought.” That resonates with people because it’s truthful.

When the media attacks him and he corrects them for taking something out of context people love that because the media so often appears to look for ways to build up people then tear them down.

When Trump said McCain wasn’t a war hero because he was captured you’d have thought that would be the end. But it wasn’t and his numbers surged despite the media going after it from every angle.

In the end Donald Trump simply continues to be Donald Trump. Some people will love him and some will hate him but at least you know what you’re getting and I believe that’s his mASS appeal.

I’m Racist, You’re Racist, Everyone is Racist

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I realize that headline might have offended some readers but I hope you’ll stay with me to the end and give thought to what I share. The subject of race is front and center in the United States now and it will not be going away any time soon. From Ferguson to Baltimore to Charleston, as a nation we’ve been confronted by the reality that despite all the strides that have been made over the last 150 years since the Civil War, racism remains alive and well.

As I’ve given thought to this I’ve come to realize I’m racist. I don’t mean to be offensive but you’re racist, too. If it makes you feel better, everyone is racist. That’s right, because to some degree we’re all racist. For just a moment think about the least racist person you can imagine. For me that person would be Jesus because He loved perfectly and paid the ultimate sacrifice in death. Now quickly think of the most racist person you can. Hitler comes to mind for me. Now consider this; we all fall somewhere on the spectrum between not racist and completely racist.

Not Racist     <================>     Completely Racist

Jesus               <================>     Hitler

Some people are overtly racist and knowingly suppress other people they believe are beneath them for no other reason than they believe their race is superior. Many people don’t actively try to harm other’s opportunities because of race but still might display attitudes that could be labeled as racist. Even some people who actively work against racial inequality, such as MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry, occasionally display racially insensitive sentiments. For Harris-Perry this happened when she made comments about Mitt Romney’s adopted African-American grandson.

My best friend and best man in my wedding is Russell Barrow, an African-American. Russell have known each other for nearly 40 years and I speak to him almost every day on my drive home from work. Race is sometimes the topic of the day. I clearly remember Russell talking about his pride the day after Obama was elected president.

He never believed he’d see an African-American elected to the highest office in the land. He was surprised I remembered instances where he felt discriminated against when we were hanging out together. We’ve talked about recent incidents that raised the issue of racism (Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston, etc.) because I want to understand his perspective.

I sat on my company’s diversity committee and have actively helped people of all ethnic backgrounds whenever I could. With African-American friends I’ve talked about issues of race over lunch and as we’ve traveled. So how can I be racist?

I say I’m racist because I know this – I’m no Jesus! I’m very aware of my response to events and my thoughts. I understand many of my thoughts are triggered at the subconscious level, which means before I can make a conscious choice the thought, belief or attitude that could be considered racist is already there. I can try to deny it or rationalize it but if I’m honest with myself I know it’s there. Why is this? Because many of our thoughts, beliefs and attitudes are a result of factors outside of our control. Consider the following reasons (by no means exhaustive) that contribute to your beliefs and attitudes:

Similarity – It’s natural for us to feel a closer bond to those we view as similar to ourselves. Evolutionarily this was a survival necessity. Those who looked like us were probably friendly and those who were different were to be potentially feared. Even though we live in vastly different times than our ancient ancestors, a time where different looking people need not be feared, we can’t help the brain wiring we already have. All we can do is recognize the beliefs and attitudes that surface but then engage our thinking to make conscious choices to behave differently.

Home Environment – Another factor is the environment we grew up in. Some of you reading this may have grown up in a mildly or an overtly racist home. For you that was normal. If you believed your parents loved you and you saw them as good people you had no reason to question their views on race or any other topics. As you grew and began to interact with different people you were exposed to new viewpoints regarding people who were different from you. Nonetheless, the beliefs that were instilled in you during your formative years die hard.

Media – Apart from your home, the environment you grew up in influences how you think. If you had little or no exposure to people who were different from you then many of your beliefs were formed by what you were exposed to via the media, friends and society at large. Here would be one simple example – how criminals are referred to quite often in the media today. Muslim criminals are terrorists, black criminals are thugs, but many white criminals who commit heinous crimes are mentally ill. What happens is we begin to stereotype those of Middle Eastern descent and blacks so all are looked upon with caution and fear. However, many people look at the white criminal as an outlier, not representative of the race as a whole. When you grow up consistently exposed to these viewpoints you harbor attitudes and beliefs without really understanding how they were formed.

If it’s true that everyone is racist to some degree (just like everyone lies or cheats to some degree), I think we can also agree that not all people are inherently bad. I mentioned earlier I don’t believe most people go out of their way to harm others even though those same people may hold beliefs some would deem racist. In fact, most people are probably unaware that many attitudes they hold would be considered racist.

So what are we to do if we want things to change?

Be open to changing longstanding beliefs and attitudes. It’s natural to want to defend your position because it’s your position and for some people admitting a belief or attitude might be racist is tantamount to admitting they’re a bad person. That’s not necessarily the case.

Don’t shut down the conversation. I’ve learned a tremendous amount in my conversations with Russell and other African-Americans I work with. I would encourage you to ask questions because some people will never bring up the subject. When I’ve initiated conversations I’ve been amazed at how much people have to say.

Engage the principle of liking. During the Principles of Persuasion Workshop I ask participants, “Does the impact of similarity or liking suggest a retreat from diversity in the workplace?” Some people think looking at similarity can hurt diversity but that would only be the case if you only looked at someone’s exterior and concluded you’re different because of how you look. The good news is studies show race and ethnicity are overwhelmed when people realize they share the same beliefs, values and attitudes with one another. After all, it’s easy to engage with someone we see as similar to ourselves because we like people who cheer for the same team, went to the same school, have the same pet, as we do, etc.

I know I was taking a risk writing about this subject but that’s okay. The problems we face won’t go away if we continue to avoid talking about them and if we’re not open to trying to understand another’s viewpoint. We may not agree on everything discussed but in the process we’re very likely to mover a little closer to each other and that will be a good first step.

Influencers from Around the World – Italians and the Principle of Liking

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Marco Germani is our guest blogger for this month’s “Influencers from Around the World” post. Marco lives in Italy, just outside of Rome. He’s not only been a guest blogger in the past, he wrote a book on influence in Italian. Marco is married and has two young boys. He gets real world influence application in his various business pursuits. Readers have always enjoyed Marco’s perspective on influence and I’m sure that will be the case this month.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
 
Italians and the Principle of Liking

I recently read about a survey conducted by Citibank, a corporation with employees across the globe. The object was to identify how the different persuasion principles would apply to different cultures around the world. The question asked of employees was: If someone within your organization came to ask you for help on a project, and this project would take you away from your own duties, under what circumstances you would be mostly obligated to help?

The results displayed that in the U.S., the principle mostly taken into account to answer this question was reciprocity. What has this person done for me? Do I feel obliged to render him a favor? That would determine whether the help is granted or not.

In Hong Kong, the most important principle was authority: is this person connected to my small group and in particular, is he a senior member of this group?

In Germany, authority was considered but under a different light: according to the rules and regulations, am I supposed to say yes? In this case, I am obliged.

Finally, in Italy, yet another persuasion principle was mainly taken into account: the one of liking. Is this person connected to my friends? I am loyal to my friends so, therefore, I must help him or her.

Being an Italian I can confirm this is true most of the time. I then started to think about the reason this principle is so important for Italians and I came up with my own theory. It goes back to my country’s history. Contrary to what happened in other European countries, like

France and Germany, Italy started to exist as a single centralized unit only quite recently (250 years ago, which for Europe is a really short time). For thousands of years, the regions eventually forming Italy existed as isolated kingdoms (Kingdom of Naples, Kingdom of the two Sicilies, etc.) and often fought bitterly against each other.

When Italy became a nation it was hard, for a central government, back then based in Piedmont in northern Italy, to maintain control while being politically and physically present in the whole country.

This was especially true in southern regions like Calabria or Sicilia. The formation of small clans of people, which eventually led to the creation of the most (unfortunately) famous criminal organization in the world, the Mafia, became a necessity of survival.

Where the hand of the government couldn’t reach, there you had a small group of “friends” ready to kill for each other in order to keep order and peace and fight against the “bad guys.” If you wanted protection, you must become their friend too. If not, bad things could happen to you. Assuming this theory has some part of truth, it must be eradicated in our DNA a sense of loyalty to our group of friends, not anymore for survival, but to have some kind of advantage in our daily lives, according also to the principle of reciprocity.

This can be observed also when two or more Italians meet abroad. We tend to establish as soon as possible a sort of connection, because we know that we could, as a small team (or clan) be more effective in overcoming problems and finding solutions. Of course this happens without any criminal or illegal intention nowadays. On the other hand, in a business setting, this is a universal rule, which transcends cultures: always try to build a relationship with your customer or business partner before talking shop. With us Italians, it is even more important and it is an aspect which should never be underestimated by any serious negotiator or influencer.

Marco

 

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count Just a Few Ways

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“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” is a famous line from an Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem. Counting the reasons you love someone (or like a friend, enjoy your car, prefer a certain store, etc.) is only good advice if you don’t have to count too high. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say don’t have people count past one hand. Allow me to explain.

I’ve been rereading Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow. If you want a great overview of how your subconscious and conscious minds work then you’ll want to pick up his book. He touches on our irrationality, similar to Dan Ariely’s work in Predictably Irrational, heuristics (click-whir responses) as mentioned by Robert Cialdini in his classic Influence Science and Practice, as well as many other concepts about how our minds work.

As I’ve been reading I’m struck by the reality that our minds work in ways that are quite often opposite of what we might expect. For example, who would be more persuaded to buy a BMW? The person who is asked to list a dozen reasons BMWs are great cars or the person who is asked to list just three reasons? Most people would intuitively guess the person who lists a dozen reasons. After all, if you can come up with 12 reasons it must be a good car, especially when considered against just three reasons. Unfortunately you’d be wrong.

In several different studies cited in Thinking, Fast and Slow, Kahneman clearly show people who are asked to generate fewer reasons are more persuaded than those who have to come up with many more. Why is this the case? If you can easily come up with three reasons you are probably pretty confident a BMW is an excellent car. However, if asked to come up with lots more, and you do so but struggle in the process, you start to wonder if the BMW is really as good as you think. The struggle allows doubt to creep in.

This feature of thinking is common to all people. When we can quickly come up with a few reasons we are for gay marriage or against it, for a political candidate or against the candidate, for tax increases on the wealthy or against them, or for or against anything else, we will be even more confident that our position (for or against) is the correct decision. However, if asked to list many more reasons we might just wonder how strong our case really is.

Pause to consider this if you happen to be in marketing or sales. Inundating people with reasons your product or service is the best might not work as well as hammering home three to five reasons because your prospective customer will probably easily recall two or three of those reasons. However, a laundry list of why your offer is so great will only work against you!

There’s a saying, “Sometimes less is more,” and it’s certainly the case when you want someone to believe your product or service is the right one for him or her. By the same token, when it comes to love, “How do I love the? Let me count the ways,” will work much better if you save your loved one some time and energy and just ask them to tell you two or three things they love about you!

The Secret to Motivating a Slacker on Your Team

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This week’s guest post is from Mike Figliuolo, the co-author of   and the author of . He’s the managing director of thoughtLEADERS, LLC  – a leadership development training firm.

An honor graduate from West Point, Mike served in the U.S. Army as a combat arms officer. Before founding his own company, he was an assistant professor at Duke University, a consultant at McKinsey & Co., and an executive at Capital One and Scotts Miracle-Gro.

Mike regularly writes about leadership on the thoughtLEADERS Blog. His latest book, , has just come out and you can get your copy by . On a more personal note, Mike has been a good friend for many years and has generously shared his blogging expertise with me.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
 
The Secret to Motivating a Slacker on Your Team

Dave has a great résumé with the right education and expertise from brand name schools and employers. When he accepted your job offer, you felt like you made one of the best hires of your career.

Since Dave got the job, however, his talents haven’t translated into the results you expected. He’s a smart guy with great communications skills – at least his verbal communication skills. He’s outspoken in team meetings and has many ideas, most of which seem to have potential. Interestingly enough, however, those ideas relate to other peoples’ responsibilities. Dave’s willingness to comment on how others are doing or not doing their jobs is drawing complaints from your team. He has much less to say about his own area.

You hate the thought of losing someone as talented as Dave, but his lack of results is alarming. His teammates have picked up his slack. You’ve dedicated more of your leadership capital than you’d like harping on him to get his work done. There’s no doubt that Dave is a “Slacker.”

Approaches for Leading a Slacker

Leading Slackers requires you to “Unlock Motivation” within them. Slackers have the capability to do their jobs well. If they applied themselves, Slackers could be Exemplars on your team.

Turning a Slacker around reduces the team conflict they create when they talk about everyone else’s work instead of doing their own. To be sure you’ve got a Slacker on your hands, assess their performance and see if they’re delivering the results you expect.

To turn Slackers around, first let them know their behavior isn’t acceptable. If they’ve avoided deadlines in the past, give them a real deadline to hit or face the consequences. Connect with your HR representative to start the performance improvement plan process. Document the expectations for the Slackers’ role, their performance against those objectives, and the specific goals they need to accomplish.

Set deadlines for completing their performance improvement plan and keeping their job. Make it clear that delivery of results is a condition of their employment. You’re not looking to threaten them – you’re merely explaining the cold, hard facts of their situation. Coach them that being smart isn’t enough. Reassure them you believe they have the ability to do the job – if they set their mind to it. Provide them a picture of what success could look like for them.

The painful first conversation with Slackers might be enough to turn them around. Other times they say they’ll improve but they never do. That behavior requires you to escalate the situation and put them on a formal performance improvement plan.

After putting your Slackers on a formal performance improvement plan, have a frank discussion with them about how they want to rectify the situation. Don’t limit the discussion to their role on your team – discuss their career aspirations too. Let them know if they plan to keep slacking by relying on their smarts and reputation to get them through, they’re going to have a performance crisis that will be hard to recover from. If they don’t change their behavior, it will kill their career at some point.

If the combination of being put on a performance improvement plan and getting your frank assessment can’t motivate them to behave differently, ask them what it will take to get them to change. If they’re not interested in helping themselves, you can’t do it for them. These are potentially high risk, high return leadership investments.

Slackers have a decision to make that will determine your approach to leading them. If putting them on a performance improvement plan gets through to them, find the root cause of their problem.

All that’s holding them back is their motivation. They could be bored with their work. Maybe they lack the skills required to plan their work and manage their time. Perhaps someone else on the team is stealing credit for their work.

Your discussion about root causes could provide you insights on how committed they are to change. If they’re not going to work hard in their current role, help them find their next one. Work with them, in consultation with your HR team, to see what kind of referral you can give them. For external referrals, you can point to the Slackers’ strengths. Leave it up to them to explain why they’re leaving their role.

 

Mike

You’re Sure You’re Right? Really Sure?

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No doubt you’ve heard Donald Trump is running for president. It seems as if The Donald has said he might run each of the last four presidential races but he surprisingly took that step this time. The bigger news story came with his remarks about illegal aliens, especially people coming from the Mexican-American border, and the fallout with several organizations he did business with.

Trump’s remarks were incendiary and not worth repeating but now with the death of a San Francisco woman at the hands of an undocumented immigrant who had been deported five times, Trump’s views have people talking even more. No doubt many people will take the killing as “proof” of Trump’s claims but is that viewpoint accurate?

There are two psychological concepts at work right now between Trump and this murder story: confirmation bias and the recency bias. Confirmation bias occurs when someone seeks information that only confirms what he or she already believes to be true. Recency effect bias occurs when our attention is drawn to something – like recent news stories – and we give more weight to that information than it deserves.

For example – the chance of being killed by a shark are incredibly small compared to the odds of dying in an automobile accident. However, with the recent shark attacks dominating the news (recency effect bias) many more people will stay away from the ocean than will stay away from cars. Each time another shark encounter is mentioned in the news people say, “I told you so” (confirmation bias).

The same phenomenon is taking place with Trump’s comments and illegal aliens. The comments are mentioned multiple times each day (recency effect bias) and the San Francisco killing is proof (confirmation bias) for many people that Trump is right. The danger is giving undeserved credibility to Trump’s racially insensitive remarks, which only perpetuates the problem of racial tension in our country.

We are all subject to the effects of confirmation bias and recency bias but unfortunately too often we’re unaware of it. He is another example – global warming / climate change. For the majority of people their experience dictates their view on the issue. A couple of very cold winters make many say, “Global warming is a farce. We’re experiencing record colds here!” On the other hand, people in parts of the country experiencing drought or unusually hot temperatures will take that as “proof” that global warming exists. In neither case can you prove or disprove the issue based on your limited experience. Each instance only confirms the bias many people already have on the issue.

So you’re thinking, “What does this have to do with me?” or “Why is this of any importance?”

If you happen to go before a jury wouldn’t you hope the people making a decision in your case would not be swayed by evidence solely because it confirmed what they already believed? Sure you would.

Would you want people making public policy decisions on something as important as global warming based on how hot their summer was or how cold their winter was? Of course not!

Making the best decisions possible entails understanding how our minds work. Sometimes the shortcuts we rely on don’t always lead to the right conclusions because more critical thinking is necessary. It’s hard work but when the stakes are high it’s a worthwhile investment of time and energy.

When the Good Becomes Bad

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Have you ever noticed how something good can slowly become bad? I’m thinking of things we start for good reasons that end up getting distorted and becoming bad. Here are some examples:

  • In the Bible, the Pharisees, a religious sect of Judaism, aspired to be right with God. They knew the commandments but wanted to understand them more deeply. They knew “Thou shalt not work on the Sabbath” but wanted to understand exactly what work was. They set out to define it and laid a heavy burden on people in the name of God. It became work just to keep the law.
  • Public schools have set standards for graduation because people thought our education system was slipping on the world stage. However, rather than bolster learning we started hearing about teachers “teaching to the test” and in some districts misrepresenting student scores. On the topic of school, grades are used to measure performance. After all, “What gets measured gets done.” Seeing a student with a high GPA is usually a good thing unless students are more concerned with the grade than what they’re learning.
  • Faithfulness to marriage vows is a good thing. But what about couples who “stay together for the kids” and end up exposing them to a toxic environment at home?
  • In business, bonuses are used to incent people to do certain things like increase profits or sales. Offering people incentives to work harder, longer or more creatively is good unless people begin to do some unethical things to hit the numbers.

As I noted in the opening, many things start out with a good intention but end up getting perverted in some way as people lose sight of the original intention. So what are you to do?

I believe we all need to understand why we’re asked to do what we do and occasionally we need to remind ourselves. I work in the insurance industry and I’m proud of that. Insurance isn’t a sexy industry like banking or financial investments but it’s every bit as necessary. When people ask me about what I do, I tell them I’m proud to be in insurance because we do two important things:

We help people. If someone has a loss (car accident, home damaged, business destroyed) we step in to help them get back on their feet and lessen the financial burden they would face otherwise. No one ever said, “Darn my insurance agent for selling me the right coverages and limits” after a loss but many have said, “Darn my agent for not selling me the right coverages and limits!”

We help the economy. What bank will lend you money to build a house or buy a building if you can’t guarantee to repay the amount in full if the property is damaged or destroyed? No financial institution would do that but with an insurance company promising to make that guarantee, money is lent, buildings are bought, which employs people to build them and building materials are sold. This creates a positive ripple throughout our economy.

This brings me more specifically to what I do at work 9 to 5 and with Influence PEOPLE. I teach people how to ethically persuade others. The driving force for me in this endeavor is to help people professionally and personally. I believe:

Professional success depends in large part on your ability to get others to say yes to you. Sales are not made without getting to yes. If you’re a manager your success depends on your team buying into your vision and strategy – getting a yes! Even if you’re not in sales or management you’re asking people to do things all day long. 

Daniel Pink, author of To Sell is Human discovered through a survey of more than 7,000 business people that the typical non-sales employees spend upwards of 40% of their time trying to persuade others!

Personal happiness is quite often a result of getting a yes. Most people I know find that life is more pleasant when their spouse, significant other and/or kids willingly say yes to them. Understanding how to ethically persuade others can go a long ways toward making this happen.

If you’re like most people I’ve met, and including myself, then you may have things in life you started for the right reasons but may have “lost that loving feeling” and slowly slipped into a bad place. If that’s the case, step back and take time to remind yourself about who you are and why you choose to do what you do. If you can’t regain that old feeling and have the ability to let go of some things, then do so because you’ll enjoy what you pursue with passion more than what you have to drag yourself to do.

You Teach People How to Manipulate Others

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I attended a networking event/cocktail hour recently and was engaged in conversation with the woman I was seated next to. She asked what I did and I told her I was a sales trainer for an insurance company. She asked if I had a background in education and I told her I did not. She proceeded to quiz me on how I could be a trainer or educator without formal training as an educator. I say, “quiz” because rather than feeling she was interested, I felt more like I was being cross-examined, as if I might be unqualified for the job I’ve been doing successfully for more than 20 years.

As the conversation proceeded, I mentioned that I have my own business where I teach people about the psychology of persuasion. She said, “So you teach people how to manipulate others.” I’m sure she noticed my face change as I replied rather forcefully, “No, there’s a difference between manipulation and persuasion.” She said she didn’t think there was any difference because persuasion was only about getting people to do what you want which in her mind was manipulation. In my mind that’s like saying there’s no difference between the person who uses a knife to cut into a steak and a surgeon who uses a scalpel during an operation.

If you’ve read Influence PEOPLE for any length of time, you know I’ve addressed manipulation before but it’s worth going into once again because there’s such a misconception out there.

My first question to those who think persuasion is manipulation would be this – is there any way to get someone to do what you want without manipulating them?

I hope you answered yes because if not, then we live in a world where everyone is simply out for himself or herself with no regard for anyone else. Think of the consequences:

We don’t get our kids to study because it will help them in life, only because it allows us as parents to brag about their grades.

Wherever you work, no one should buy your product or service because you only sell it to make money without regard to how it impacts others.

You don’t marry someone because you love him or her and want to make him or her happy; you just want to take happiness from them.

I could go on and on but you get the picture. There are people who do what I just described because there are always people who are out only for themselves and don’t care about anyone else.

However, I bet most of you reading this aren’t like that. You want your kids to do well in school because it will make their lives better down the road. You probably work for a company where you really believe people will be better off with your products or services. And the person you’re with, you probably do want to help him or her live a happy, fulfilled life. Do you get anything out of what I just described? Sure you do, but is what you get your driving force? Probably not.

Here’s the reality; every day we encounter people who are not doing what we’d like them to do, what we know they should do, or what might make them better off. For example, in my line of work – insurance – people are happy they have insurance if they have a car accident, their home burns down or a loved one dies. You hope you never have to use your insurance, and you’d rather not have to buy insurance, but you know you might need it one day and you’re thankful it’s there when something bad happens. Is a salesperson helping you understand this reality manipulating you? I don’t see it that way.

Now, people can certainly resort to manipulation. One definition is “to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner.” Today we don’t think about “skillfully” because the word is associated with “unfair” and taking advantage of others.

Consider this; if you learned that saying “please” and “thank you” made people more likely to do what you want, would you say “please” and “thank you” most of the time? Certainly you would! You can call using those words “good manners” but the fact remains, we appreciate it when people are polite and we know people respond to us better when we’re polite. Consequently polite people tend to get what they want more often than impolite people. But that doesn’t mean polite people are manipulative.

It’s a fact that when we help others they’re more likely to help us. Does being a nice person who likes to help others make you a manipulator? Not necessarily. Certainly some people learn this and use it to their unfair advantage but others do it because they’ve learned life is easier when you give and respond to giving. This starts early in life when we teach our kids to say “thank you” after someone has done something for them. Are you just teaching your kids to manipulate? I don’t think so.

When we talk about the principles of influence we’re talking about psychological triggers that people naturally respond to. The principles are neither good nor bad, they simply describe how people typically think and respond. How we use them reveals something about our character. When it comes to this I like the following quote from The Art of Woo:

“An earnest and sincere lover buys flowers and candy for the object of his affection. So does the cad who only seeks to take advantage of another’s heart but when the cad succeeds we don’t blame the flowers and candy, we rightly question his character.”

Learning how to influence others isn’t manipulation but can certainly be used by a cad to take advantage of another so let me end with this:

Be truthful, look to give, and try to genuinely help people. If you live your life like that you’ll reap much more than you sow because people will appreciate you and want to help you in return. That’s not manipulation, that’s living life in a way that benefits everyone, including you.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®
Chief Influence Officer
influencePEOPLE 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

 

A Funny Thing Happened to me on the Airplane…

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I travel a good bit and it seems to pick up each year. For example, last year I was away from the office half of the weeks during the year. Quite often my travel entails flying to and fro around the country.

When it comes to air travel, I’m a Southwest guy through and through. Rarely am I late and I can’t recall a time when I didn’t make it to my destination the same day I was supposed to. Combine that with the best fares in the industry and people who seem to genuinely enjoy what they do and it’s a no brainer for me to choose Southwest every time.

If you’ve flown Southwest, then you know you must check in 24 hours in advance. They have me trained better than Pavlov’s dog because I’m on their web site 24 hours ahead of my scheduled flight and check in the moment the clocks tells me it’s exactly 24 hours till take off.

That usually gets me an A30 or better assignment which translates into sitting almost anywhere I want to.

When I fly, I typically have my iPad out to read or get my MacBook out once we’re airborne so I can work. And I’m not someone who throws their seat back so the person behind me has their legs up in their belly or their tray in their chest.

Not long ago I went through my usual routine as I got on a flight and almost as soon as I sat down the flight attendant said, “Excuse me sir. You’re sitting in the row right in front of the exit row and that means you can’t recline your seat.” I replied, “That’s not a problem because I never recline my seat.”

As soon as we started down the runway, I began to think about not being able to recline my seat. The more I thought about it the more I was mentally kicking myself for not changing seats when I had the chance. Once in the air all I thought about was that I wanted to recline my seat. In fact, my mind obsessed over it!

What was going on? After all, I almost never put my seat back so why was I so obsessed with wanting to do it on that flight?

In a word – scarcity. The principle of scarcity alerts us to the reality that human beings want things more when they believe those things are rare or going away. To put it more succinctly; if we can’t have it, we want it.

In the book Scarcity: Why Having so Little Means so Much the authors wrote, “Scarcity captures the mind. The mind orients automatically, powerfully, toward unfulfilled needs.” I didn’t “need” to put my seat back but as soon as I realized I couldn’t I wanted to.

If you’ve raised kids, you’ve no doubt seen this. As soon as you tell a child they can’t:

  • Watch a particular movie it’s the only one they want to see.
  • Listen to a certain song or artist and that’s all they want to listen to.
  • Play with a toy and it’s the only one they want to play with.
  • Eat or drink something and they want it even more.

Bottom line: deny something to someone and it’s natural that they’ll want it even more. It doesn’t matter if they need it, want it, or possibly have ever considered it before because scarcity changes how their brain views it.

An effective persuader understands this and one other important factor. It’s not enough that something is rare, difficult to obtain or going away. The real key is that the other person becomes aware that what you’re offering is rare, difficult to get, or might go away soon.

Disney is a master of this when it comes to marketing. For example, Snow White has been around since 1937 so how do you make people want a product that’s been around so long and is so easy to obtain?

Change it ever so slightly, offer it for a limited time then throw it into the Disney vault. No one knows the combination, and no one knows when the vault will open again. When it does open you can bet your bottom dollar the whole cycle will repeat itself making people want Snow White once again.

Sometimes scarcity causes us to buy things we don’t need or want because its pull on our mind is so strong. Having said that, scarcity was at play in my decision to marry Jane. After 10 months of on again, off again dating, I was talking to her in the break room (we worked together) during an “off” period and she told me how happy she was and told me even if I asked her out again, she wouldn’t go out with me. Two weeks later we were engaged! Was I played? Maybe so because I didn’t need her, but I sure wanted her and the thought of not having her was too much to bear!

Hopefully this gives you a vivid picture of how scarcity works on the mind and causes people to act. I’ll end with this; since that earlier Southwest flight I’ve flown a lot and not once have I put my seat back. Truthfully, it rarely enters my mind…until someone else brings it up.

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. His next book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, will be available by year-end.

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.