The Apology Heard Around the World

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You’ve probably heard the familiar saying, “Timing is everything.” When I hear that I joke with people and tell them, “That’s true unless you’re in real estate. Then it’s location, location, location.” As timing would have it, perhaps the most famous person alive gave the apology heard around the world last week. After months of speculation Tiger Woods finally addressed the public concerning his issues with infidelity. What’s this have to do with timing? It just so happens to coincide with the next bit of Dale Carnegie advice I was going to share – If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

I wrote about the Tiger Woods’ situation in December, approaching it from the context of character. I tried to drive home that we can’t do anything about Tiger and all our water cooler talk is worthless. It turns out that all the speculation about Elin and his car accident were wrong if you believe Tiger’s apology. I’m going to take him at face value because part of the rehab process is coming clean with the truth and making amends. Assuming his account of that night is the truth then the media outlets and many people wasted a lot of time on that issue. The point of my post was simply this; we can use Tiger’s situation to reflect on ourselves and try to become better people.

The point of this week’s post is to get all of us to reflect on ourselves when we make a mistake. Lots of people think Tiger waited too long to apologize and that his words were not his own but those of a PR firm. That may be true or it may not. I don’t have a PR firm representing me and I bet you don’t either, so we don’t have to worry about that getting in the way of our credibility when we choose to apologize.

When we do make a mistake the quicker we own up to it the less time there is for speculation by others. Once people start down that path they begin to convince themselves they’re right. In Tiger’s case, no matter what he or Elin says about Thanksgiving night, many people are so firmly entrenched in what they believe happened that they might never believe anything different.
So how does this apply to you and I and what we can learn from all this? If we can prevent that speculation from taking root when we make mistakes then wouldn’t it be the smart thing to do? Here are a few examples of people who should have done just that. Not too long ago Alex Rodriguez came clean about steroids. The problem was, A-Rod lied to Katie Couric about it on national television when asked a few years earlier. The late admission was seen as a way to manage his career rather than a genuine apology for something he knew was wrong. Had he been truthful with her I think he would have been revered because he would have been the first baseball player to come forth without having the pressure of an investigation or congressional hearings.

Mark McGwire is in the same boat. Nobody is buying his apology because he lied to Congress about his steroid use. Had he admitted the truth at that time I think public opinion would be much better right now. As it is, most people see his apology as just the necessary step to get back into the game of baseball and possibly the hall of fame one day.

The American public is forgiving when people come clean about mistakes and back it up by living a changed life. I think on an individual level people are very much the same. When I’ve made mistakes and took steps to own up to them I’ve found people willing to extend grace to me. I think of the time when I was a jerk on the road driving in to work one morning. For quite some time I refused to let someone over as we approached the exit. I could have tapped the brakes, been a nice guy and let the driver over but I chose not to and eventually the driver got behind me. It turned out the person I was a jerk to happened to be a coworker who saw me pull into the parking lot. I knew he knew it was me on the highway so I made the choice to apologize. I got a very nice email from him saying we all make mistakes but he knew I was the kind of person who would own up to it. I think we’re better friends today than we were before the incident.

So here’s the bottom line. Don’t waste your time speculating on all the aspects of Tiger’s apology, his sincerity, when he’ll play again, if he and Elin will stay together, etc., because none of that will make you a better individual. Learn from his situation and use it to grow as a person. Next time you make a mistake own up to it quickly. Like anything, if you start with the small stuff it will make it easier when the bigger stuff comes around because you’ll have built character. Make that choice and you’ll become a person of authority and influence because you’ll have credibility.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Just a Little Respect Please

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A few weeks ago we looked into some great advice for maintaining good relationships – avoid arguments whenever possible. This week we consider another Dale Carnegie tip that can make that a little easier –Show respect for other’s opinions and never say, “You’re wrong.”Aretha Franklin sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Showing respect to someone is acknowledging their worth as a human being. We may not like the person we’re dealing with but we can still treat them with dignity. Think about how you’d want someone to treat a loved one; your spouse, a parent or your child. The person you’re dealing with probably falls into one of those categories and has someone who hopes they’re treated with respect.My worldview is a Christian one and my faith tells me all people are created in the image of God. It also teaches me that I’m to love my neighbor as myself. In light of those two tenents, showing respect for another person seems like the least I can do. You may not hold the same faith as I do but I hope you can agree that every human has value and should be treated with dignity and respect.When you don’t show respect you can be sure the other person won’t be open to listen and will probably just look for an opportunity to disrespect you. It becomes a game of “tit for tat” which accomplishes nothing.Now onto the second part of Carnegie’s advice, never say “You’re wrong.” What’s so bad about that? Sometimes people are flat out wrong! Someone might erroneously state something as fact when it can easily be proven to be incorrect. Example, “Ronald Reagan was the37th President of the United States.” It would not be incorrect to say, “You’re wrong. He was the 40th President. Google it and you’ll see.”However, let’s think about it for a moment. If your goal is to win friends and influence people (not make enemies and alienate others) then you might want to approach the situation a bit differently. It requires tact and strategy.First, never forget people have a vested interest in being right, especially when others are present. It can be embarrassing to know you made a mistake and it’s significantly worse when you feel others know about it. Saying, “You’re wrong” to someone is like pouring salt on a wound…it will produce a sharp reaction!Most people will naturally push back when pushed and that occurs emotionally as well as physically. When you tell people they’re wrong, they usually don’t want to give you the satisfaction of being right (winning) so they’ll look for any reason they might have been justified in what they said or did…no matter how wrong you might think they are. This happens naturally because of the psychological principle of consistency. People feel the need to be consistent in what they say and do so they’ll manufacture reasons to support their actions. If you recognize this you can work around it rather than against it.You and I might agree on many things that are wrong. For example, stealing. I bet everyone reading this would agree taking what’s not yours is wrong. However, even criminals quite often believe they were justified in breaking the law. Their reasons may not be valid to you but they have their reasons.Rather than confronting someone head on, try an end around. If you think someone is wrong, ask the person questions that might help you lead down a different path, one that might allow the individual to consider other alternatives. This is especially valuable because if a person feels he or she has discovered the solution, and it wasn’t forced upon them, they are more likely to change their mind. Remember, your goal isn’t to be right; it’s about preserving a relationship.Here would be a non-threatening way to approach the Reagan fact, “Really, President Reagan was the 37th President? I didn’t know that. Do you remember where you heard that or read it because I thought he was 40th or 41st. Now I’m curious. Wait a second and I’ll do a quick Google search on my phone and find out.” This never implies “You’re wrong and I’m right” and allows the person to save face if others are around.I assume you’re reading this blog because you want to improve your ability to communicate, learn to be persuasive, enjoy your relationships with other people more and have a little less stress. Making a choice to show respect for other’s opinions and never say, “you’re wrong,” will go a long ways towards making those goals become reality.Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Facebook: Right Ways and Wrong Ways to Motivate

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There’s a right way and a wrong way to go about motivating people to take action. I thought I’d write about this subject because it’s relevant based on some Facebook messages I’ve seen several times in recent months. If you’re on Facebook you might have seen the following message or some variation of it:

“In memory of family and friends who have lost the battle of cancer and the ones who continue to conquer it! Put this on your page if you know someone who has or had cancer. Dear God, I pray for the cure of cancer. Amen. 93% won’t copy and paste this, will you?”

The intent of the person and message is wonderful, to get people to pray for those with cancer, pass along the message and create more awareness. Unfortunately the method to motivate people to act on it is poor. After all, if 93% of people won’t copy and paste the message, why should you or I? Worse yet, that phrase tries to shame people into action. If someone feels shamed you can bet they won’t take action. This type of “motivation” is seen all the time in chain letter emails:

– “There were 12 tribes of Israel and 12 disciples. If you love God will you take a moment to send this to 12 friends?”
– “I cared enough to send this to you and 10 others; will you do the same for 10 people you care about?”
– “Please don’t break this. Send it to at least 7 of your friends.”

This isn’t an indictment against anyone who did take the time to post the message because they didn’t come up with the message. All they’ve done is copy and paste the message that’s been floating around. We can applaud their effort to do something good but there’s a more effective way to spread the word.

In psychology there’s a principle of influence known as consensus which tells us people are motivated to certain behaviors when they see others engaged in the same behavior. The motive to act is strengthened if the people observed are just like us or if there happen to be many people engaged in the behavior. Parents know all about this except they call it peer pressure, not consensus.

As a society all too often we make the same mistake the Facebook message makes. Consider the following two scenarios:
Voting – Messaging used to focus on what a shame it was that so few people voted. Shame was used when we were reminded that people died for our right to vote. Result – why go vote when so many others are not. Contrast that with the messaging before the 2008 presidential election, “A record turnout is expected.” That simple message helped change behaviors and we did end up having a record turnout. The thought process for many people was, “I better get there early if I want to vote.” There was an interesting Time magazine article on this, “How Obama is Using the Science of Change.”

Cheating in School – “Back in 1940, only 20 percent of college students admitted to cheating during their academic careers. Today, that number has increased to 75 to 98 percent.” (Education-Portal.com) Interpretation for students – I might as well cheat because everyone else is cheating.

So let’s circle back to the Facebook message and see what might be more effective. Simply replace, “93 % won’t copy and paste this, will you?” with something like this, “After reading this some of my other FB friends took time to copy and paste this onto their wall. I’d appreciate it if you would too.” This change is small but could produce a big result because it appeals to consensus; my Facebook friends, people like you, are doing this.

Beyond Facebook, take a look at how you’re trying to motivate people to action. If you talk about a negative behavior and how so many people are engaging in that behavior you’re probably hurting your attempt to change the behavior. Talk about how many kids aren’t cheating or how few kids were cheating in 2008 vs. some other year. Mention how fewer people are driving drunk or how more people voted than ever in 2008 and that number will go up on 2012. With a little forethought and small changes in your messaging you could see much, much better results for your cause.

Finally, thanks to all of you who forwarded Influence PEOPLE to others last week. I had a nice bump in readership, my third highest week ever, and got some new followers to boot. As I shared in last Monday’s post, someone would win Dr. Cialdin’s book Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive. Congratulations to the lucky winner Kelli Moore.Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Making Your But More Powerful

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This week I had an opportunity to write a guest post for Mike Figliuolo, Managing Director of thoughtLEADERS, LLC – a leadership development and training firm based in Columbus, Ohio. Mike regularly writes for the thoughtLEADERS blog and has written guest posts for Influence PEOPLE so I’m always happy to return the favor. Below is the opening for a guest article I wrote called Making Your But More Powerful.


Last week I read Mike’s article Managerial Miscues: “The But(t) Sandwich” (Reprise) and told him I really liked it but…
The article addressed how people often blow it when it comes to bringing about behavioral changes because all too often they want to appear nice so they say something nice then finish with “but…” and take the other person to the proverbial woodshed. Not effective management.I teach classes on ethical influence and persuasion and one of the things I talk about with people is the power of transitional words like “but” and “however.” We focus on how to strategically use those words to make the most effective presentation because small changes can make a big impact!Here’s the basic teaching point for you to remember when it comes to transitional words – people forget what comes before “but” and focus on what comes after. For example, has anyone ever said this to you, “Honey, I love you but…”? Odds are, all you remembered was the hammer falling after hearing the word “but.” Click here to read the rest of the article at thoughtLEADERS.Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Dale Carnegie and Sun Tzu on Avoiding Arguments

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We’ve made some really good headway looking at tips from Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. In case you’re a newer reader, below you’ll see what we’ve covered so far. Click on any tip and you’ll be taken to the Influence PEOPLE article for that piece of timeless advice from Dale Carnegie.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember their name.
Be a good listener & encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Make the other person feel important.

Now we move into the section of the book that teaches “How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking” and the advice we start with is probably Carnegie’s best advice – avoid arguments. Sounds easy enough but sometimes it seems unavoidable.
Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War, a book about conflict, sometime around 500 BC. He had this to say about fighting, “It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.” In a nutshell Sun Tzu is saying only pick the conflicts you know you can win or else avoid the conflict altogether. Arguing is a type of conflict and quite often it can be avoided IF you’re honest with yourself and your assessment of another. This is similar to the general knowing his army as well as the enemy’s. For us this simply means, if you know what sets you off you can avoid people or situations that are likely to make that happen. Let’s start with ourselves. Unfortunately, knowing yourself isn’t so easy. That’s why Ben Franklin said, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” We have blind spots and sometimes we don’t want to face the truth. But, if we’re willing to make the hard self-assessment we’ll come to learn our strengths and weaknesses.By the same token, when you know another person you can seek to avoid their triggers. Let’s consider the other person for a moment. It could be your spouse, boss or a friend but usually we have conflict with those who are closest to us. That’s just a sad fact of life. The good news is this; you probably know them well enough to know how to avoid the triggers that usually lead to conflict. For example, here’s one for the guys to avoid: You ask your wife to buy a case of Miller Light for$14.95, but instead she buys a jar of cold cream for $7.95. DON’T tell her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream! Ladies, you want to avoid telling Mr. Right he’s like a bank account – without money he doesn’t generate much interest.Both of those funny little jokes are sure to start an argument. Will you always avoid arguments? No. But, taking account of yourself and another can go a very long way to make the avoidance a reality. You could take the really high road and follow the advice Jesus gave his disciples, “Love your enemies.” Ouch, now that’s hard! Loving your enemies doesn’t mean feeling towards them the way you might with your parents, spouse or kids. No, love is a verb, a “doing” word. It’s placing the welfare of the other person above your own no matter the cost because it’s the right thing to do. Love your enemies and you won’t have enemies for long and you’ll have very few arguments.And think about this; who wins an argument? There’s always a jokester who says, “Me!” but in reality nobody wins. Oh sure, you may be “right” but is it worth it when being “right” damages or kills the relationship? Far too many people never speak to loved ones or friends because of arguments over things that seemed important but really weren’t. So resolve to yourself to do whatever is in your power to avoid arguing. That may mean having to let someone feel like they’re right. Big deal, especially if you know in your heart that you are right. Never lose sight of the goal, to win a friend or influence someone. ** FREE GIVE AWAY ** It would mean a lot to me if you’d help increase Influence PEOPLE readership by forwarding this blog to some friends or co-workers. Do so and you could win a copy of Dr. Cialdini’s book Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive. If you’re currently receiving email notification then you’re already registered to win! If you’ve not signed up for automatic notification then send me an email (BFA654@gmail.com) after you’ve shared the blog with someone and I’ll register you for the drawing. The lucky winner will be announced on next week’s posting. Thanks in advance, I appreciate your help! Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Make the Other Person Feel Important

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We’ve been making our way through Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People as a way for you to become a more influential and persuasive person. The week we come to his last tip in the section of the book titled “Six Ways to Make People Like You.” The advice we’ll explore is, “Make the other person feel important.”

Are you important? I hope you said “Yes” to yourself! I’m important and you’re important. There’s never been another person quite like me or quite like you. We’re all unique individuals. Even identical twins, the most genetically close people in the world, are unique. Our importance may not be something people read about like the President of the United States, a famous actor or actress, an author or a well-known athlete but nonetheless we are important. Just ask your spouse, kids, parents, friends or coworkers.

Remember the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart? Stewart plays George Bailey, a man who has a crisis of faith when $8,000 is misplaced and he fears his business will close. He’s so distraught he contemplates suicide because he thinks it would have been better had he not been born. Thanks to the angel Clarence he realizes that was foolish thinking because small town George had a huge impact on the lives of people in his community.

I share this not to build you up or inflate my ego but because it leads to this – you and I are important and so is every other person you come in contact with…whether or not they realize it. That’s right; many people live their lives like George Bailey did for a few hours, feeling unimportant. But, if you and I believe they are important and treat them as such, great things can happen!

Let me share one quick story. I know a single lady in her 60s who is an important person. She’s divorced, has two grown kids and a couple of grandkids. She has a regular job and struggles to make ends meet like most people these days. She likes working in her yard and around her home and she’s always willing to help others. She’s a nice person, a nice neighbor to those who live near her. She’s not done anything that will make her famous but she’s important nonetheless. Who is this person? My mom, Ann Strausburg. If it were not for her I would not be here and you wouldn’t be reading this. My wife Jane might be married to someone else and my wonderful daughter Abigail would not have come into existence. From my limited perspective my mom is very important and I’m sure from God’s view, because He knows her full impact, He’d say she’s incredibly important!

I hope everyone treats my mom with the kind of respect she deserves. I bet you hope the same for your mom, dad, grandparents, kids or anyone else who is significant to you. If we hope that then we should do that. Every day as we meet people if we make them feel import they’ll sense that. Of course they’ll like us for it too.

Don’t you enjoy it when people treat you like you’re important? It can be humbling at times but I know I enjoy it and I bet you do too. If we enjoy it then why not spread the joy and allow others to feel the same way? Here are a few simple things anyone can do to convey a sense of importance to another person:

  • Show respect – Respect comes easily through good manners with phrases like, “Yes please,” “No thank you,” “Excuse me” and “Please forgive me.” These are simple and none assumes anything from the other person.
  • Use their name – As I shared in the article A Rose by Any Other Name, the sweetest sound to any person is the sound of their own name. People feel important when identified by name because it humanizes them.
  • Golden Rule – Treat people the way you’d like to be treated or the way you’d like someone to treat a loved one. This kind of behavior tends to come back to you. Earl Hickey calls it karma.
  • Fine Reputation – We will explore Carnegie’s advice to give the other person a fine reputation to live up to later in this series. For now know this; conveying belief in another person can help them achieve more than they thought possible and make them feel more important than ever before. Give that gift.

We make requests of people every single day because we need other people. Recognizing that fact, this blog is intended to help you learn to hear “Yes!” The more friends you make, the easier it is to influence people and hear “Yes!” But it’s not just about getting what you want. It’s about building relationships and enjoying our lives more because of those relationships. Make another person feel important today and that’s one step in the right direction them and for you.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Interview with Dr. Cialdini’s Organization INFLUENCE AT WORK

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I had the good fortune of recently being interviewed by Dr. Robert Cialdini’s organization, INFLUENCE AT WORK. Below is the lead in to the interview from his blog, Inside Influence Report.

INFLUENCE AT WORK has over 25 CMCT’s worldwide. These CMCT’s are the only trainers endorsed by Dr. Robert Cialdini and allowed to facilitate the Principles of Persuasion (POP) Workshop®. All CMCT’s must go through rigorous training in order to earn and maintain this prestigious certification. Our goal in this CMCT spotlight feature is to help readers become more familiar with our CMCT’s background, expertise, and insights. Click here if you are interested in more information on our CMCT’s. If you would like more information on our POP Workshops, click here.

This month we are featuring Brian Ahearn, CMCT a corporate trainer for State Auto Insurance Companies from Columbus Ohio. He has been studying Dr. Cialdini’s research and the influence process for 7 years.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests

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Last week we took a look at Dale Carnegie’s advice on how to be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. I shared a half dozen simple questions you can use to get the conversation started. They were non-threatening, generic ice-breaker questions. This week we’ll look at some advice that goes hand in hand with what was shared last week – talking in terms of the other person’s interests.

So you broke the ice and you’ve been paying attention to what others are saying. You might get lucky and find they share some of the same passions you do. Life is looking pretty good when that happens because when you find you have something in common it’s easy to form relationships. That’s because the principle of liking tells us we have a tendency to automatically like people who share common interests with us.

For example, I’m passionate about fitness, martial arts and sales. If I come across someone who has a keen interest in one of those areas it’s easy to talk for hours! But, what if you or I run into people who don’t share our same passions?

Let’s say you meet someone and quickly find out they’re into extreme sports. Feeling you have nothing in common, what can you do? Actually it’s pretty simple; allow them to talk about extreme sports. Just ask questions, show genuine interest and look at it as a learning experience. You could start by saying, “Wow, I’ve never had the desire to go bungee jumping. What made you decide to try that?” There’s probably a great story behind that first jump, full of excitement and emotion. As the person relives the events that lead to the first jump, and the jump itself, they’ll probably feel many of the same exhilarating feelings they experienced before. That’s good news for you for a couple of reasons.

First, they’ll start to associate those feelings with you. Everyone likes to feel good, right? Of course they do and when people feel good around you they tend to like you and want to be around you more. That’s a great way to start a relationship.

Second, being tied in some way to those feelings will make you more memorable. That’s also great for you because the individual is likely to remember you and your name. Have you ever seen someone you met before but you didn’t approach them again because you were embarrassed that you couldn’t recall their name? Being memorable makes it less likely someone will avoid you because they can’t recall your name.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests isn’t that hard. It just takes the willingness and patience to be a good listener and the smarts to ask a few good questions. The willingness and patience are the hardest things for most people for a few reasons.

  • We want to be known. If someone goes on and on we begin to wonder if we’ll get our turn. If you find you’re with someone who never gives you that chance, odds are they aren’t the kind of person you’ll seek out for relationship. If it’s a business relationship then don’t lose sight of the goal – improving business.
  • We’re not very good listeners. Most people don’t listen with the desire to understand; rather they listen to respond so they can get their two cents in. Put on top of that all the distractions we have in modern life and it takes more effort than ever to really be a good listener.

If you can be a good listener and talk in terms of the other person’s interests it can end up being fun because you get to know more about another person and you might learn about something new. I encourage you this week to become other-focused and engage people on their terms based on their interests. Do so and you’ll win more friends and influence more people. Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Group Dynamics and Influencing People

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This guest article was written by Adrienne Carlson. Adrienne welcomes your comments and questions below on the comments link or direct to her email address: adrienne.carlson1@gmail.com.

A close friend and I had a discussion recently about how much of an effect our formative years have on the way we think and act as adults. We debated about the lasting influence the choice of school and college can have on a child. And although we found ourselves agreeing that the kind of education we had did in some way contribute to the kind of people we are today, we also realized that there were others who had the same education that we did, but who have totally different interests and attitudes in life today.

This made me wonder about the composition of a group and the influence that it has on each of us, and vice versa. Every group has a mix of people who are subject to common factors and in a similar environment at a point of time. But each of its members turn out differently and use (or choose not to use) their education and experience in different ways. Some are influencers and the rest become the influenced. The power factor may swing like a pendulum at times, but at any given time, there is always a set of a few people who influence the rest of the crowd.

Now if you have been an influencer from your early days because of your popularity, you don’t really want to give up your authoritative status. But you must realize that your influence is based only the group that you are with at present. If you change groups, either of your own will or because you’re forced to, the dynamics change and you must reorient yourself to suit the new group’s needs and priorities. And even though you’re used to being the influencer in your previous group, you may not have as much influence as you would like in your new group because there may be people who are more powerful than you. So to become an influencer, you need to get among the top few in the group.

Very few people have what it takes to be influencers, no matter how many groups we change. But for most of us, we have to try really hard to change our status with every group change we make. We may be popular or high achievers in school, but when we move to college, it takes time and effort to achieve the same kind of influence that we enjoyed in our younger days. It may even be the other way round – people who are nobodies in high school go on to do really well in college or later life.

The point is, no matter how much of an influence you currently have on people and situations, the dynamics keep changing within the context of the group. New people come in and old ones go out, and with each change, it is important that you realign yourself to fit in with the interests of the current group. This constant evolution is what makes you a truly influential person, one who can get people to follow your leadership without saying no.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Be a Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk about Themselves

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What subject do you know more about than anyone else in the entire world? Yourself, of course. No one else knows everything you’ve been through, what you think or how you feel at any given moment. They don’t know all your likes and dislikes. They don’t know about your past, your present or your future hopes and dreams. Nor do they know about all the experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve overcome during your lifetime. Those are some of the things that uniquely make you you and those same things – and more – make everyone you meet unique and interesting too.

So, if you ever find yourself unsure about what to say when you meet someone new, simply focus on them. In Dale Carnegie’s words, “be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.” When they share things they love or enjoy they’ll feel good as they talk and they’ll associate those good feelings with you. That’s a winning formula for making friends and influencing people.

You might be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “But I’m not good with small talk.” No worries because I have several questions to help get you started. These questions will be easy for anyone to answer, should not be sensitive and will help the conversation flow naturally. The key after asking questions is to pay attention for things you have in common, or areas of interest, so you can make a connection with the person. The more they see themselves in you the more they will like you.

So, in no particular order here are several questions you can use as conversation starters to encourage others to talk about themselves.

Where do you live? Even if someone lives in the same city as you there are suburbs and neighborhoods that differentiate parts of town. Asking about this can help you connect because you might currently live in the same area or have friends or family that do.

Tell me about your family? Notice I didn’t ask, “Are you married?” or “Do you have any kids?” Both of those questions can be sensitive for people who want to be married or would like to have kids but don’t currently. Asking about family opens them up to talk about parents, siblings or other relatives. If they are married or have kids it’s likely they’ll talk about that.

Where are you originally from? This can be really interesting. For example, I was born in Hawaii. I didn’t live there very long but when it comes up it always sparks interest. Because I went back on my honeymoon then again 20 years later I can talk somewhat about the islands and people find that interesting because most have not been there.

Do you like to travel? This is a natural follow up to “Where are you originally from?” Someone may not have been born in a place you find interesting but that doesn’t stop them from visiting interesting places. When they relate having been to Europe, Australia, China or some other location they will probably recall a good time…and begin associating the good feelings with you.

What do you do for a living? It’s unfortunate that polls tell us most people don’t enjoy their jobs but still, when you spend 40 hours or more at work it is significant enough to warrant conversation. Quite often what seems to be mundane to them might be very interesting to you. And, when you don’t happen to know a lot about their line of work and ask questions they get to feel like an expert.

What sports or hobbies do you enjoy? This one is a big one for most people, especially in America. Many fans are literally fanatical about their teams. My wife Jane is a great example. She’s a Steelers fan through and through. Every Sunday she makes her favorite dip for her chips and has a Diet Coke. If it happens that the Steelers are not on a local station then we’re off to a sports bar so she can watch them play. And yes, she wears the jersey or other team related items to let the world know she’s a Steelers fan. You can’t go wrong by asking her about the team and so it is with other people.

Some people don’t like to watch, they want to participate so it’s good to ask about hobbies. When people hang glide, sky dive, water ski, golf or do any number of other activities it’s because they’re passionate about it. Ask them and they relive a little passion and that’s good for you.

So there you have it, another solid tip to help you make friends and influence people. Like any advice, it will only have a positive effect if you actually do it. I challenge you this week to ask a lot of questions then sit back and “be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.” Do this and you’ll see a positive response coming your way.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”