Group Dynamics and Influencing People

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This guest article was written by Adrienne Carlson. Adrienne welcomes your comments and questions below on the comments link or direct to her email address: adrienne.carlson1@gmail.com.

A close friend and I had a discussion recently about how much of an effect our formative years have on the way we think and act as adults. We debated about the lasting influence the choice of school and college can have on a child. And although we found ourselves agreeing that the kind of education we had did in some way contribute to the kind of people we are today, we also realized that there were others who had the same education that we did, but who have totally different interests and attitudes in life today.

This made me wonder about the composition of a group and the influence that it has on each of us, and vice versa. Every group has a mix of people who are subject to common factors and in a similar environment at a point of time. But each of its members turn out differently and use (or choose not to use) their education and experience in different ways. Some are influencers and the rest become the influenced. The power factor may swing like a pendulum at times, but at any given time, there is always a set of a few people who influence the rest of the crowd.

Now if you have been an influencer from your early days because of your popularity, you don’t really want to give up your authoritative status. But you must realize that your influence is based only the group that you are with at present. If you change groups, either of your own will or because you’re forced to, the dynamics change and you must reorient yourself to suit the new group’s needs and priorities. And even though you’re used to being the influencer in your previous group, you may not have as much influence as you would like in your new group because there may be people who are more powerful than you. So to become an influencer, you need to get among the top few in the group.

Very few people have what it takes to be influencers, no matter how many groups we change. But for most of us, we have to try really hard to change our status with every group change we make. We may be popular or high achievers in school, but when we move to college, it takes time and effort to achieve the same kind of influence that we enjoyed in our younger days. It may even be the other way round – people who are nobodies in high school go on to do really well in college or later life.

The point is, no matter how much of an influence you currently have on people and situations, the dynamics keep changing within the context of the group. New people come in and old ones go out, and with each change, it is important that you realign yourself to fit in with the interests of the current group. This constant evolution is what makes you a truly influential person, one who can get people to follow your leadership without saying no.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Be a Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk about Themselves

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What subject do you know more about than anyone else in the entire world? Yourself, of course. No one else knows everything you’ve been through, what you think or how you feel at any given moment. They don’t know all your likes and dislikes. They don’t know about your past, your present or your future hopes and dreams. Nor do they know about all the experiences you’ve had, the things you’ve overcome during your lifetime. Those are some of the things that uniquely make you you and those same things – and more – make everyone you meet unique and interesting too.

So, if you ever find yourself unsure about what to say when you meet someone new, simply focus on them. In Dale Carnegie’s words, “be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.” When they share things they love or enjoy they’ll feel good as they talk and they’ll associate those good feelings with you. That’s a winning formula for making friends and influencing people.

You might be reading this and be thinking to yourself, “But I’m not good with small talk.” No worries because I have several questions to help get you started. These questions will be easy for anyone to answer, should not be sensitive and will help the conversation flow naturally. The key after asking questions is to pay attention for things you have in common, or areas of interest, so you can make a connection with the person. The more they see themselves in you the more they will like you.

So, in no particular order here are several questions you can use as conversation starters to encourage others to talk about themselves.

Where do you live? Even if someone lives in the same city as you there are suburbs and neighborhoods that differentiate parts of town. Asking about this can help you connect because you might currently live in the same area or have friends or family that do.

Tell me about your family? Notice I didn’t ask, “Are you married?” or “Do you have any kids?” Both of those questions can be sensitive for people who want to be married or would like to have kids but don’t currently. Asking about family opens them up to talk about parents, siblings or other relatives. If they are married or have kids it’s likely they’ll talk about that.

Where are you originally from? This can be really interesting. For example, I was born in Hawaii. I didn’t live there very long but when it comes up it always sparks interest. Because I went back on my honeymoon then again 20 years later I can talk somewhat about the islands and people find that interesting because most have not been there.

Do you like to travel? This is a natural follow up to “Where are you originally from?” Someone may not have been born in a place you find interesting but that doesn’t stop them from visiting interesting places. When they relate having been to Europe, Australia, China or some other location they will probably recall a good time…and begin associating the good feelings with you.

What do you do for a living? It’s unfortunate that polls tell us most people don’t enjoy their jobs but still, when you spend 40 hours or more at work it is significant enough to warrant conversation. Quite often what seems to be mundane to them might be very interesting to you. And, when you don’t happen to know a lot about their line of work and ask questions they get to feel like an expert.

What sports or hobbies do you enjoy? This one is a big one for most people, especially in America. Many fans are literally fanatical about their teams. My wife Jane is a great example. She’s a Steelers fan through and through. Every Sunday she makes her favorite dip for her chips and has a Diet Coke. If it happens that the Steelers are not on a local station then we’re off to a sports bar so she can watch them play. And yes, she wears the jersey or other team related items to let the world know she’s a Steelers fan. You can’t go wrong by asking her about the team and so it is with other people.

Some people don’t like to watch, they want to participate so it’s good to ask about hobbies. When people hang glide, sky dive, water ski, golf or do any number of other activities it’s because they’re passionate about it. Ask them and they relive a little passion and that’s good for you.

So there you have it, another solid tip to help you make friends and influence people. Like any advice, it will only have a positive effect if you actually do it. I challenge you this week to ask a lot of questions then sit back and “be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.” Do this and you’ll see a positive response coming your way.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

So There’s a Knock at the Door…

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I had an interesting experience recently. One evening, around 9 p.m., there was a knock at the door to my home. Nothing interesting about that except that I was surprised because our front lights were off and that usually signals no one is home. However, because the knock sounded different I thought perhaps it was a neighbor so I turned on the lights and opened the door.

The face was not that of a neighbor. Instead there were two young men, activists for an environmental issue, combing the neighborhood. I have to admit, had I known that’s what I would have been faced with I would not have opened the door. Once I’m at home I’m usually not too social because it’s family time or I’m trying to get things done.

Nonetheless, because I’d already opened the door I wasn’t about to say, “If I’d have known it wasn’t a friend or neighbor I would not have answered the door. Good night.” I thought about it but I’m not that rude. That meant I was obligated to listen to their presentation.

There’s a proverb in the Bible that says, “The first to present his case seems right, until another comes along.” In other words, there are two sides to every story. However, as I listened to them talk about river water being polluted because of the strip mining of mountain tops I thought, “Who could be against this?”

Since they were asking for signatures on what seemed to be a good cause I obliged. Of course, holding the clipboard and seeing the names and addresses of my neighbors made me feel more compelled to sign. That’s the power of consensus at work. We feel drawn to move with the crowd, especially when the crowd is composed of people just like us. Neighbors qualify big time in that regard.

Now to the very interesting part of the story. After I signed the petition the individual who’d done most of the talking asked for a donation. Mind you, as I already stated, I didn’t want to listen to a solicitor at 9 p.m., let alone make a donation so I politely declined. The response to my declination was something along the lines of, “We’re not looking to break anyone. Any donation will do. Most neighbors are giving anywhere from $36-$48.” Again, I said, “No” followed with, “goodbye.”

Next I walked over to my computer and started typing this. I understood exactly what was going on and felt it was a little manipulative. I’m guessing many people would have gone through a similar thought process. You hear about a good cause and think a signature to support it is no big deal. There was no mention of financial support being needed at any time during the presentation. However, after signing the petition it was very hard for me to resist giving a donation.

Why was it hard to refuse to monetarily support their cause? Because of the pull I was feeling from the principle of consistency. This principle of influence tells us people want to behave in ways that are consistent with what they’ve said or done in the past as well as remain true to their beliefs and values. Because I’d signed the petition I was implicitly saying the legislation they were proposing was good and should be pursued. I wasn’t thinking it takes money but if I stop and consider I know it does. So when I was asked to “put my money where my mouth is” it became very, very hard to refuse.

Throw on top of that more consensus pressure – not only did my neighbors sign, supposedly they were donating $36 to $48 – and that made it even harder to say no.

Even though I completely understood the psychological forces at work I still wrestled with my decision. How about people who had no idea what was going on? I think many people probably felt trapped and donated not because they wanted to but because they felt compelled to.

So what’s the moral of the story? First, be careful about what you agree to. Something as simple as signing a petition can lead to other unintended consequences.

Second, and more important, trust your gut. Your “gut feeling” is usually an accumulation of things you can’t quite put your finger on but are taking in through many of your senses. The good news is you don’t have to rationalize every feeling. If you feel trapped and uncomfortable with what’s being asked of you, just say “no.” You might feel awkward in the moment but you’ll probably feel much better when you look back on your decision.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

PAVE the Way for New Year’s Resolutions

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If you Google “New Year’s resolution” you’ll find it’s generally defined as a commitment someone makes to do something, or stop doing something, in order to better his/her life in some way. For example, here are some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions people make:

  • Spend more time with family
  • Lose weight
  • Start exercising
  • Quite smoking
  • Quit drinking
  • Get organized
  • Get out of debt

Since these are all very good things, why are they so hard to follow through on? There are as many reasons as there are resolutions, and because you’ve probably heard just about all of them I won’t spend any time on them. Instead I’ll take a different approach, one that might just PAVE the way for success in 2010.

Usually I talk about the principles of influence as a way to motivate other people, to get others to say “Yes!” to you. That’s not what I’m going to share this time. What I’ll share is a way for you to tap into consistency to motivate yourself. Almost all resolutions involve forming or breaking habits. You have to start doing something regularly or stop doing something you’re currently doing to better your life in some way. We’ll take a look at consistency as it pertains to you and four key ways to strengthen its use.

In the study of the principles of influence there’s a powerful motivator called consistency. People feel compelled to act in ways that are consistent with their beliefs and values. They also feel compelled to act in ways that are consistent with what they’ve said or done in the past. When we act in consistent ways we feel better about ourselves and people perceive us in a more favorable light.

Here are the four keys to strengthen consistency, PAVE the way to success, and increase the chances that you’ll follow through on your New Year’s resolutions.

Public – Any time you make a public statement, whether verbally or in writing, you’re putting yourself on the line. The mere fact that another person knows your intention and might ask you how you’re coming along with your commitment is quite often enough motivation for people to follow through. Share with another person or group of people, your New Year’s resolution AND ask them to hold you accountable.

Active – You have to do something. Merely thinking about a resolution but keeping it to yourself will lead to the same results as people who don’t make resolutions. In other words, nothing will change. This came to light in a study with a group of students who wanted to improve their grades. One group was asked to write their goal down, one group kept their goal in their heads and the last group had no specifics whatsoever. As you can imagine, the group with the written goals succeed, with nearly 90% of students increasing by a full letter grade! With the other two groups the results were almost identical. In each group fewer than 1 in 6 students improved a full letter grade. It’s worth noting, they were all given the same study materials.

Voluntary – This has to be YOUR goal, not someone else’s goal for you. If you’re trying to do something, like quite smoking, lose weight or get in shape, because someone told you to, it’s not likely your motivation will last. The goal has to come from you because if it’s forced on you then your desire will not last. Samuel Butler hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “He who complies against his will is of the same opinion still.” If you voluntarily make the commitment you stand a better change of succeeding.

Effortful – It was noted above that you have to actively do something. In other words, making the commitment should require some effort on your part. In fact, the more effort the more likely you are to succeed. Something as simple as writing down your resolution can make a difference, even if you don’t share it with anyone. But, taking the time to share it also fulfills the public requirement which gives you more bang for the buck! Dr. Cialdini puts it this way, “People live up to what they write down.” Commit pen to paper and you’ve greatly increase your odds of success.

So there you have it, a slightly different way to approach some positive changes for the New Year. If you’ve been one to make resolutions and fail then give this approach a try. If you fail again you’re no worse off but you never know, this change in approach might just work for you. And think about how much fun it will be to spend more time with family after you’ve lost that extra weight, started exercising, quit smoking and drinking and have organized a plan to get out of debt! Okay, maybe that’s a bit much but accomplishing at least one would be nice.

I wish you a very happy and successful New Year!

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

The Greatest Salesman Who Ever Lived – Santa!

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I boldly (and in italics) proclaim Santa Claus to be the greatest salesman who ever lived! Why do I assert that Santa is the ultimate salesman? To start, he has a couple of success stories most of us can’t compete with. First, he’s successfully run the same family business for hundreds of years. There’s something to be said for stability, especially in today’s economy. Second, Santa can boast a client base that expands every year — no matter the state of the global economy. Can you or your business make those claims?

But those aren’t the reasons I contend Santa is the greatest salesman who ever lived. Contrary to what you might think, his success doesn’t come from his business savvy. After all, consider the obstacles he has to overcome.

  • Business attire: Santa obviously doesn’t buy into today’s “dress for success” business attire philosophy. Power suits are fine but a red suit and hat, both lined with fur, is a little over the top in today’s business environment. Now if he were in Hollywood…
  • Delivery system: Santa’s remains way behind the times here. His “One Day Delivery” is literally that – you get your packages one day a year. He doesn’t seem to notice in today’s economy people want what they want, when they want it, and that usually means now. But the real problem behind “One Day Delivery” might just be his delivery method. I think you’d agree the U.S. Postal Service, FedEx or UPS would be much more efficient than eight tiny reindeer pulling a small sleigh.
  • Manufacturing: Some say Santa’s operation is too labor-intensive to survive much longer. After all, he’s competing with Wal-Mart, Microsoft and other giant companies. In today’s marketplace, how can any business can get by without automating? Perhaps if he automated a process or two he’d have enough inventory to open the store more than one day a year.
  • Efficiency: I realize Santa gives his product away for free but that doesn’t mean it costs him nothing. He has all those elves and reindeer to take care of. Food and lodging are bad enough but health care costs have to be crushing his profit margin! And what about worker’s compensation costs? If he automated at least he’d save a little money and might be able to take Mrs. Claus on a nice vacation – somewhere warm for a change!
  • Marketing: All companies change their branding to fit the times and Santa might want to consider doing the same. After all, “Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas!” has gotten a bit old and stale.
  • Orders: I think Santa could fill orders much faster if only he’d just set up a website. And how about replacing all those last minute letters with email, instant messaging or a Twitter account? It has to be painfully slow for him to read all those handwritten letters.

So, all this begs the question, “Why is Santa so successful…in spite of himself?” In business if you continually land new customers and retain the old ones then you’re doing something right. Here are six reasons Santa continually attracts new customers and retains all his current ones:

  • He loves his job! Could you do the same job day after day, year after year for most of your life? Could you do it and remain so upbeat and jolly? Perhaps, “Ho, Ho, Ho,” is his corporate culture and not just some branding slogan.
  • He genuinely cares for his customers. His goal is to meet everyone’s needs and all he hopes for in return is to see joy on their faces. Do you get joy from serving others?
  • He gets to the personal side of selling. Granted he’s not always accessible but he doesn’t expect clients to come to him. When he’s at his absolute busiest, with his deadline approaching and delivery date nearing, he can be seen everywhere talking with his customers. How he can be in so many places at one time I’ll never know. How often do you initiate contact with your customers, even when it’s inconvenient for you?
  • He creates atmosphere. A toy is just a toy, except when it’s from Santa. Because it only comes once a year and will be found under the tree on Christmas morning it creates anticipation and builds excitement! That’s so much better than getting something online or from some mail order catalog. Do you create an experience for your customers?
  • He adds value. When people hear the word “free” they often think “cheap” or wonder, “What’s the catch?” Even though Santa gives his products away we love what he gives us mostly because it comes from him. Don’t you have a few things you prize because of the person who gave it to you? That adds value for you. Do your customers see you adding value?
  • He delivers on his promise. Santa does what he says and always delivers, at no extra charge, on time! Can your customer count on you to be that consistent?

So there you have it, six reasons behind the success of jolly old St. Nick. Yes, I stand firm on the assertion that Santa Claus is the ultimate salesman! Did you notice that everything Santa does is within your power to do with your customers? That’s right, there’s no reason you can’t do the same things Santa does. And here’s some welcome news for most of you – you don’t have to wear a silly red uniform while you do those things!

I hope you enjoyed this post and that you and your loved ones have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

SuperFreakonomics and Monkey Business

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Have you read SuperFreakononics yet, the follow up to Freakonomics? If not you’ll want to pick it up because it’s an interesting way to apply economic theory to different aspects of life. If you enjoyed Freakonomics, you’ll like SuperFreakonomics too.

I’m not here to plug the book, rather, I want to share something I found fascinating that relates to the Principles of Influence I share each week in this blog. What I’ll share has to do with scarcity, the principle of influence that tells us people are motivated to action when they believe something is rare or becoming less available.

Another aspect of scarcity is this – people tend to be more motivated to action when they stand to lose something as opposed to when they stand to gain the very same thing. For example, if I’m selling a product and tell potential customers, “If you don’t buy our product, you’ll lose $750 dollars a year,” that will persuade more people to buy the product than if I said, “If you buy our product you’ll save $750 a year.” Think about the mental picture for a moment. The first appeal, losing, makes most people think about reaching into their pocket and handing over their hard earned money. I don’t know about you but that’s something I don’t particularly like doing so I’ll do what I can to avoid it.

The last chapter of SuperFreakonomics is called, “Monkeys Are People Too.” I almost skipped it and I’m sure glad I didn’t! It deals with whether or not monkeys can be taught how to use money and place value on things as humans do. In the case of monkeys, it was valuing treats.

It turns out they can learn the money/value concept so the person teaching the monkeys tried different things to see how far reaching their grasp was. One way they tried this was gambling. The monkeys could literally bet, possibly winning more treats, or possibly losing treats.

What really fascinated me was this – the monkeys responded more to the potential gambling loss than the potential gain which led the authors to write, “A rational monkey wouldn’t have cared, but these irrational monkeys suffered from what psychologists call ‘loss aversion.’ They behaved as if the pain from losing a grape was greater than the pleasure of gaining one.”

Just like people, monkeys seem to be hard-wired to avoid loss more than they are attracted to pleasure. And here’s another way they are very much like humans in this regard; the authors went on to write, “people make the same kind of irrational decisions at a nearly identical rate.” There are a few other fascinating insights with the monkeys – how they used the money and how it changed their behavior. They quite literally engaged in “monkey business” but I’ll leave it to you to read that on your own.

So what does this mean to you? First, as I’ve shared before, the principles of influence do not guarantee everyone will do what you want. But, ethically employed, utilizing the principles can make you much more successful. I write that with confidence because scientific studies show this to be the case.

With a principle such as scarcity, things are going on inside our brains that quite often we’re not aware of. Whether on a conscious or subconscious level, we want to avoid pain and obtain pleasure. The key thing to remember is this – most people want to avoid pain more than they seek to obtain pleasure.

And now we come to the take-away; next time you want to motivate someone to take action, and you can phrase your request in such a way that has an upside or a downside, you’ll be more likely to hear “Yes” by telling them about the downside as opposed to the upside. (Drawing by Michael Franzese, Franzeseinklings)

I’ll end by saying, this approach has nothing to do with being a positive or negative person, this is about being successful or unsuccessful with regard to your attempt to influence people. Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment below to let me know what you think.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Remember Their Name – The “How To”

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This week is a guest post from Bob Fenner. I met Bob several years ago when he was a student at Ohio University. He hosted the table where I was sitting with coworkers while attending the annual Sales Symposium put on by students from the Sales Centre.

Upon graduating Bob relocated to Silicon Valley to pursue a career in IT Sales with two suitcases and a positive attitude. Originally from Cleveland, Ohio, he moved to California without any friends or family in the area and has been able to meet some incredible people along the way. He started his career in Inside Sales at Data Domain, now an EMC company, in the computer hardware industry.

He currently works for Merced Systems in Redwood City, California. Merced is the leading provider of Sales & Service Performance Management solutions. Bob started with Merced Systems this past August and is currently focused on building the Inside Sales team while maintaining responsibility for supporting regional sales teams in the Western US. Both are daunting tasks considering Merced Systems was recently named to the “Top 100 Fastest Growing Software Companies” by Inc. Magazine and to the ”500 Fastest Growing Technology Companies” in the US by Deloitte.

One of Bob’s favorite parts of living in California is exploring the surrounding areas including San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, Wine Country, and the coast. He also told me he likes the fact that the weather is a little better than Ohio. Bob recently started as an Assistant Wrestling Coach at a local high school in California.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”

Remember Their Name – The “How To”

In Brian’s previous post, A Rose by Any Other Name, he writes that “names in fact do matter” and I am convinced that remembering names is a critical piece to building a successful network. I believe it is even more important to remember a person’s name the second time you run into them.

After reading Brian’s post, I began to think of how often I hear people say, “I am terrible at remembering names!” Here are a few tips I use to remember names during a first encounter in a professional setting:

  • Always repeat a person’s name when you first meet them to make sure you have it correct
  • Use their name throughout the conversation
  • Exchange business cards after a meaningful conversation

Take notes on the back of their business card on a few key points from your conversation (i.e., Steelers fan, wife and 1 daughter, handles sales training at State Auto)

Here are a few tips I use to remember names after I meet potential business connections:

  • Send them a follow up email – let me guess, you don’t know their email and are kicking yourself for not getting their business card. In my experience, 90% of people I connect with have emails with one of following aliases – bfenner@mercedsystems.com, bob.fenner@mercedsystems.com, or bob_fenner@mercedsystems.com
  • Keep the email short and to the point. I like to mention it was great to meet them; I enjoyed hearing about a certain aspect in our conversation, and ask them to commit to a next step
  • Send it as soon as you have email access – do not wait to send your follow up email days or weeks later

My mother used to force me to write “Thank You” notes to every family member I ever received a gift from and I used to hate it. Now I want to say “Thank You” to her for forcing such a good habit that has paid off for me so far in my business career.

Follow up emails are a key to remembering a contact’s name and showing them you sincerely enjoyed meeting them. As Keith Ferrazzi, in his book Never Eat Alone, in the chapter “Follow Up or Fail,” writes, “The fact is, most people don’t follow up very well, if at all. Good follow-up alone elevates you above 95% of your peers. The follow-up is the hammer and nails of your networking tool kit.”

  • Add the person on LinkedIn after meeting them with a personal message. If I can’t instantly match a category we have in common for connecting, I select “Friend” or “Other” and enter the work email address

Here are tips for when you see the person again:

  • I always introduce my full name when I see someone for the second time to cover for people who haven’t done their homework
  • If all of my tips have still not led me to remember the name, I will inconspicuously ask other people in the room what their name is before we greet again
  • I greet them with a big smile, firm handshake, and say “Hi Brian, Bob Fenner, it is great to see you again! How is your family doing?”

I hope these tips serve you well and help you become better at remembering names. Don’t forget, “The sweetest sound to anyone is the sound of their own name.”

Bob Fenner
bob.fenner@mercedsystems.com
http://www.linkedin.com/in/fennersells
http://twitter.com/fennersells

Tiger Woods and Character

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Aristotle is credited with saying, “Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.” In light of what’s transpired with one of the most well known people in the world this week I thought it would be good to look at character because of its impact on our ability to influence others.

I think you know the person I’m talking about here, Tiger Woods. Unless you’ve been on a secluded island this week it would be hard to have missed the stories that are surfacing about his infidelity. I don’t think it’s judgmental to say what he did was wrong. He’s said as much and if you were on the receiving end of the news his wife had to face I think you’d say what he did was wrong on many levels.

But here’s a truth for all of us – we can’t do anything about Tiger Woods. What we can do is take time to reflect on who we are and how we impact those around us. I can only speak for myself when I say, if I had done what he did very few people would care but that’s not the point. None of us should make right choices because lots of people are watching. We should make good choices because they’re the right thing to do. If we know people are watching then great, use that as extra motivation to do the right thing but never the reason for doing what’s right.

Have you ever thought deeply about your character, who you are? If I didn’t write this blog I’d still be Brian Ahearn. If I didn’t work at State Auto I’d still be Brian Ahearn. If I wasn’t a husband or father, I’d still be Brian Ahearn. All those things, as well as many others, function at two levels in my life.

First, they help shape me. Because I’m married I’m different than if I’d not made that commitment. Being a dad has certainly changed me incredibly. Learning about sales and influence has had a profound impact on me. But the fact remains, I’d still be me if I switched careers, if for some reason my marriage ended or the day my daughter moves out. I will still be Brian Ahearn.

The second level is these things become a reflection of who I am. The fact that I am married says something about what I value. How I raise my daughter also tells a lot about what goes on inside me. But in the end those things are like a map. A map is not the terrain; it only shows you something about the terrain. What we do and how we act shows what we value and reveals our character.

Who I am, who you are, is a very complex thing to figure out. Ben Franklin said, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” Figuring out who you are is very hard but it’s worth pondering because understanding who you are helps you understand why you do what you do. Tiger Woods will have to figure out why he chose to do the things he did, things that could cost him his marriage, tens of millions of dollars and possibly impact his pursuit of immortality as he chases Jack Nicklaus’ golf records. He may be supremely confident and in control on the golf course but there’s something wrong away from the course.

In the end, after all the things that seem to define you are stripped away all you have is yourself, the choices you’ve made and the impact you’ve had on others. None of us is perfect and that’s not what I’m getting at here. We’ve all made mistakes, done things we’d like to change, hurt people and who knows what else. We have to come to grips with those things and thank God the whole world wasn’t bearing down on us as we tried to make corrections in our lives. We should treat Tiger the way we’d want to be treated, talk about him the way we’d want people to talk about us.

So character, who we are at the deepest level, is the most powerful persuasion tool we have. It can take a lifetime to build good character but it can be lost in a moment. It’s precious and we should treat it that way. One way I found to help me was writing a personal mission statement. You can read about that in a prior Influence PEOPLE post.

I’ll leave you with this suggestion – rather than spending lots of time talking about something that you cannot change, something that really is of very little impact on you, use the time to reflect on yourself and change for the better. As Gandhi encouraged people, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

The 7 Best of the Best

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This week’s post is a little different. Rather than going with a new post on Dale Carnegie advice I’m going with “The 7 Best of the Best” for a couple of reasons. First, I have a lot of new readers and I’d like to expose them to some prior posts folks seemed to really enjoy.

Second, with the Thanksgiving holiday I didn’t want to work too hard because it was time to enjoy friends and family. I hope you took time to relax and give thanks too. So here goes, in no particular order, seven interesting influence posts. I hope you find them humorous, entertaining and most important, informative.

Reverse Psychology and the Vacation Bathing Suit
Okay, maybe I wasn’t completely ethical when I tricked Jane into buying the bathing suit I liked for vacation but I think you’ll agree, it’s a funny story.

My Best Parenting Advice
Want your child to be better behaved or smarter? Here’s a great tip to make one, or both, of those happen.

Why Influence is about PEOPLE
Learn about Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical.

Fanzese or Frazetta: Do Names Really Matter?
Did Dennis become a dentist because of his name? Did Mary move to Marysville because of the association with her name? Science says it’s very likely.

What Chevy Chase Didn’t Do Before Vacation
Don’t make the mistake Chevy Chase did before vacation and lose business as a result. Find out what you need to do before you leave the office next time. Timely advice with Christmas just around the corner.

“Because I Said So” Mom or Dad
One simple word can make you significantly more persuasive and help you get what you want. Read on and find out…because I said so.

Golf Advice from Corey Pavin
It didn’t matter that I said it first, Jane only paid attention when Corey Pavin said it! Sometimes it’s not what’s said but who says it that really matters.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, thank you to all of you who follow Influence PEOPLE each week. I’m amazed that people in nearly 70 countries have read what I write each week! I enjoy writing this blog and it makes my day when I hear you enjoy reading so if you have comment, click on the comment link below and let me know what you think.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Why Black Friday is One of the Biggest Shopping Days of the Year

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Is Black Friday the biggest shopping day of the year? Retailers and the media might lead you to believe so but that may not be the case, at least according to one Wall Street Journal blog. Whether it is or isn’t, Black Friday is one of the biggest shopping days and by the time you read this it will be just days away.
Yes, Friday November 27th, a.k.a “Black Friday,” will be the unofficial start of the Christmas season as throngs of people make their way to malls all around the country trying to get the best deals possible on holiday gifts.

It’s not too much of a stretch to say people will act like crazed fans at a football game or soccer match. It’s not uncommon to hear of people coming to blows over items, pushing each other out of the way to get to toys, trampling one another and in one very unfortunate case a man actually died as a result of the shopping frenzy. That’s right, last year a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death as shoppers pushed their way into the store. So much for the season of giving and the spirit of joy!

What causes seemingly normal people will do some very abnormal things in hopes of getting the right gift or best deal? Why would someone stand in line for hours waiting for a store to open when they could visit that same store almost any day of the week? And why to people get up hours earlier than they normally would on their day off?

I contend the madness is because of scarcity, the psychological principle that tells us people value things more when they appear to be less available. This almost automatic response can be triggered by time constraints and competition for a limited number of items.

Black Friday taps into scarcity using the time constraint because it’s one day a year. Miss it and you might have missed the best deals of the season. But then again, you might not have missed out because sales only seem to better as Christmas approaches and retailers look to unload merchandise. Nonetheless, over the years the lure of Black Friday has increased immensely and retailers have taken advantage of the popularity of Black Friday by opening earlier and earlier each year. This year some stores will open at 12:00 AM, the moment the clock strikes midnight because Thanksgiving will be over and it will officially be Friday.

Competition isn’t limited to the playing field or court. No, when it comes to shopping competition is alive and well, fed into by retailers. Here’s how the competition part works – no longer is it good enough to just get to a store because if you are not there when the store opens they might run out of the thing you want. Limited availability is different than limited time so while you might have all day Friday to shop, certain items, those marked “While Supplies Last” or “Limited Availability,” might be gone by the time you arrive at 5 AM or 6 AM. Can’t let that happen now, can we?

It’s amazing how people respond because little Jimmy probably doesn’t remember that great toy you got him three years ago, the one you headed to the mall at 4 AM to buy. And sweet Sally probably can’t tell you which American Girl doll you got her when she was eight years old but it’s a good thing you stood in line for several hours to pay for it.

Here’s another eye opener. People will say, “But I saved $200!” Saving money is great but many of those same people would not drive across town to save $200 on a car because a $200 savings on a $20,000 car by comparison isn’t worth the extra time and effort. So
they spend four hours negotiating a car deal, could go across town and maybe spend another four hours to save $200, but they don’t. Sure, it’s an eight hour investment but many of those same people will spend more than 12 hours at the mall just to save $200. It doesn’t make much sense when you lay it out like that but then again, people are Predictably Irrational as Dan Ariely wrote about in his book by the same title. By the way, the real value of the car savings would be closer to $260 because of the interest over the life of a 5%, five-year loan.

So where am I going with all of this? I’m not going to tell you not to shop. For some people Black Friday shopping has become as much a holiday tradition as Thanksgiving, getting a Christmas tree and listening to holiday music. I’d only challenge you to consider if it’s really worth the hassle – the lost sleep, extra time as the mall, traffic, fighting for a parking space, the disappointment when someone bought the last item you wanted, etc. I could go on and on but you get the point. Just think for a moment, “Would I normally respond this way? Do I want to respond this way?” Then decide what you want to do next.

If you know you’re going to give into the madness then I’ll try to save you a little bit of time by giving you the Black Friday web site so you can get a sneak peak at some of the deals that will be out there. Before all the craziness starts I’ll end with this – I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving and a safe time no matter what you decide to do.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”