Listen to Influence Tips on CinchCast

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A Facebook friend, Ardy Skinner, author of The Lavish Cheapskate, turned me on to a very cool tool I want to share with all of you. CinchCast is a website that allows you to record messages from your phone and share them with others over the Internet. Ardy broadcasts 1-2 minute tips to help you find ways to stretch your dollar and live “lavishly” while spending like a “cheapskate.” To listen to some of Ardy’s helpful advice click here.

Knowing some people learn best through listening, I decided to add CinchCast as a new way to share influence tips with folks. On my site, www.CinchCast.com/BrianAhearn, I now broadcast a 2-3 minute “Influence Tip of the Day” every Monday through Friday. Take a moment to visit my page to see and hear what I’m talking about. As I record tips I categorize them according the six principles of influence and add a written comment concerning each tip so you can easily find what you want to learn about most.

If you like what you hear and listening is your preferred learning method then sign up as a follower on CinchCast and you’ll get an email reminder whenever I post a new tip. I realize not everyone is into following blogs so if you know someone who might enjoy learning through listening, I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a moment pass this along help me spread the word.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Smile! It’s Like Milk, It Does Your Body Good

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So we’re on the topic of liking, doing things differently so more people will like you and in the process you will come to like them. Last week we explored the idea of becoming genuinely interested in people and this week we move to a one word piece of advice – smile. That’s right, smile.

Sounds easy enough but it’s not for everyone, especially me. When my father-in-law first met me his comment to Jane was, “Your friend seems so serious.” To put it in perspective, I did meet him at a wedding so I was wearing a suit and wanted to make sure put my best foot forward. And, I had a hunch very early after meeting Jane that I wanted to marry her so I was nervous.
For people who don’t know me I may come across as serious, a little aloof and intense at times. Some people might even say “stern.” However, once people get to know me they probably wonder if I’m ever serious. Just ask my father-in-law now!
Enough about me, let’s get on with smiling. What happens when you make eye contact with someone and smile? Most of the time they reciprocate, respond in kind and smile back. It’s like a yawn, a little contagious but you don’t get sleepy. Mother Teresa said, “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
Another effect of smiling, unless it’s insincere, is that you feel good. Quite often our mood follows our actions. For example, if you’re feeling down in the dumps, the worst thing you can do is sink further into the couch or a chair. The best thing is to get up and move.
A story to show changing your body can change your attitude came from a good friend, Anthony Tormey, founder of the Leader Development Institute. Anthony said he used to skip around base when he was in the Air Force. Yes, he would skip around base because he said it was hard to be anything but happy if you were skipping.

The same logic applies to smiling. Make the choice to smile and quite often the feelings follow. It’s like milk; it does a body good! In fact, here are some additional benefits to
smiling:

  • You are more attractive and look younger. Perhaps with a really nice smile you won’t have to spend so much on accessories to look good or spend quite as much time at the gym.
  • You appear more confident. Power ties are okay for work but a confident smile will work 24×7.
  • It lowers your blood pressure and helps you relax. We have enough stress in our lives and we’re always looking for ways to lower it so here’s a great one.
  • It helps you maintain a positive attitude. Everyone likes to be around upbeat people and this is one more way to become that kind of person.

Who would you rather be around, the attractive, youthful, confident, relaxed person who is always upbeat? Or, the tired looking person lacking confidence, who is always under stress and sees the negative in most things? It’s a no brainer, of course, so make the right choice!One thing you can do to help is to keep a mirror near your phone at work. This is a common technique for people who make a living on the phone. Why do this? It’s easy to not think about how you appear when you’re on the phone and even though people can’t see you, your attitude comes through in your tone of voice. A glance in the mirror might be all it takes to make the choice to show your pearly whites.I’ll close with some quotes that will hopefully bring a smile to your face.

  • “It is impossible to persuade a man who does not disagree, but smiles.” — Muriel Spark
  • “People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.” — Lee Mildon
  • “All people smile in the same language.” — Anonymous
  • “If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it.” — Children’s song

Have a great day and share it with someone by giving them your smile. If you have a smiling story to share, feel free to leave a comment…it will make me smile.Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Lessons from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart

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I received another invitation from Mike Figliuolo at thoughtLEADERS, LLC to write and article for his blog. Because Mike’s been a huge help to me when it comes to blogging I jumped at the opportunity to reciprocate and help him. Some of you will recall Mike wrote a piece for me last month called An Influence Shortcut – What do you have to believe?

Lessons from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart
I conducted a workshop recently called Principles of Persuasion. During a break, one of the students said she’d had a conversation with her five-year-old son and expressed parental surprise over something he said. She told him she was going to a meeting about leadership at work. He told her they had talked about leadership at school and he knew what a leader was. He said leaders were people who had followers. Simple and to the point, his definition was right on. Out of the mouth of babes! Click here to read the rest of Lesson from Leonidas the Spartan King: Why Shrinking Your Business is Smart.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Quit Trying to be Interesting and Get Interested

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Dale Carnegie noticed six easy things any of us can do to get people to like us. Before we dive in, let me start by saying, it’s not so much about us getting others to like us as much as it’s about us coming to like them. For example, if I interact with you, I can do things to try to make you like me and you’ll probably see right through it. You’ll feel as though I’m using a cheesy sales technique. Or I can go into a situation with the mindset that I want to make friends and enjoy the people I interact with. Now I might do the very same things but people see the sincerity of someone who really wants to like them and that makes all the difference.

So the first thing we’ll look at is the advice to become genuinely interested in other people. In other words, quit trying to be interesting and get interested.

A few weeks ago I mentioned everyone’s favorite radio station WIIFM, call letters for “What’s In It For Me.” This is the preoccupation of most people’s thoughts. Reality check – people are more concerned about themselves than they are about you. If you want to come to know them, like them and perhaps have them like you then don’t fight it. Carnegie said we could make more friends in two months than we could in two years by becoming interested in others rather than trying to be interesting.

Sounds easy enough but what’s that look like, being interested in others? First thing I’d say would be give them your full attention. If you’re meeting with them in person that means maintaining eye contact and displaying body language that indicates you’re open to them and what they’re sharing. Don’t sit back, arms folded, legs crossed with a blank expression. All it takes is a smile, head nod to indicate agreement and perhaps a slight lean forward. I bet you can do each of those things.

If you happen to be on the phone stop everything you’re doing…including looking at your computer. Ask yourself, “If the person was sitting in front of me would I be doing what I’m doing right now?” If the answer is no then stop whatever you’re doing so you can pay full attention. Take notes if for no other reason than to focus on the other person and what they’re saying.

How about this; don’t listen to respond, instead, listen to understand. That means you’re not jumping in each time they take a breath so you can share your thoughts
or your stories. The more natural thing would be to ask questions to learn more about them or what they happen to be talking about.

Here’s an idea — you can take the initiative and talk about something you know is important to the other person. Perhaps you’ve heard they are into gardening. If you’re like me that may be something you have no interest in but you can still ask them about it because it’s important to them. How do people feel when they talk about something or someone they love? How do they feel when they talk about causes they’re passionate about? What about fond memories? You’re probably thinking, “Of course they feel good when they recall such things and talk about them.” Bingo!

When people talk about what they love or what they’re passionate about they feel energized and good. Eventually they come to associate those positive feelings with you. Think back to a time when someone said or did something that hurt you. If they did it repeatedly you probably tried to avoid that person. On the flip side, when you had good, positive interactions with people you began to associate good feelings with them and wanted to be around them. It’s the same deal here, only this time you’re making a more strategic decision to engage the other person on their terms in hopes of engaging the liking principle.

This strategic decision is an important one. When I interview people I typically ask for a strength of theirs and most often I hear something like, “I have great relationships with my agents and CSRs.” So people are aware relationships are important but they usually fall flat when I follow up with this question, “Suppose you get this job and you’re going to visit your assigned agents for the first time. What will you do to connect with them as quickly as possible so you can build a strong working relationship quickly?” This is where people stutter and hesitate. It’s easy for them to sense when someone likes them but they’re not always sure why that’s occurred.

Understanding a simple concept like becoming genuinely interested in others and making it a focus of your interaction will help you become a more likable person. Never underestimate the power of liking. Jeffrey Gitomer put it best when he said, “All things being equal, people want to do business with their friends. All things not being so equal, people still want to do business with their friends.” Being a good friend will get you the benefit of the doubt every time, whether professionally or personally.

If you’ve had success making friends with a strategy like this, or some other way, leave a comment below to let me know about it.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

A Special Day Indeed

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One thing I love about teaching ethical influence and persuasion is the wide range of application of the principles of influence. Understanding what triggers a “Yes!” response, then tailoring your communication can make life much easier and lead to more success. This applies to business as well as your personal life.

This week’s post is primarily for parents. I want to share an idea to help you raise your kids, or possibly grand kids. I truly believe if your child knows you love them unconditionally, that you have their best interests at heart, that they are special in your eyes, it will be easier to persuade them to do what you want them to do — what they need to do. That would include the monotonous things like eating healthy, studying hard, being kind and giving, and having good manners, among other things.

How do you convey this sense of being special? There are lots of thing you can do but I’m going to share one thing you may not have thought of — a “Special Day.” I don’t remember how I came up with this idea but right around the time our daughter Abigail was born I told my wife Jane that I’d like to have a “Special Day” for Abigail each year. After all, moms get Mother’s Day and dads get Father’s Day but kids don’t have their special day of recognition.

Here’s what we decided to do. Each year we pick a random day and I take the day off from work. We buy Abigail presents and surprise her early in the morning when we burst into her room and say, “It’s Special Day!” We give her breakfast in bed then let her open the gifts. The rest of the day revolves around her and whatever she enjoys. When she was very young it was simple things like McDonald’s for lunch and a Disney movie. Some years it’s been going to the Ohio State Fair, horseback riding, dinner at her favorite restaurant or more recently, because she’s a teenager, it’s time at the mall with lunch at one of her favorite spots.
I hope you see it doesn’t have to be lavish. The gifts aren’t many or expensive and the restaurants aren’t fancy, but that doesn’t matter because what she knows is the day is all about her. We’ve told her many times, it’s not because it’s her birthday, or Christmas or some other holiday, it’s just because we love her.

While it usually takes place in the summer because there are more things to do and Abigail is off school, the fact that it’s randomly chosen makes it a surprise and adds to the element of fun and excitement. She once remarked she enjoys her Special Day as much as her birthday and Christmas. Now that’s a good return for the effort!

One other benefit I see for your child by having a Special Day is self-esteem. Kids need to have a sense of their own identity apart from their peers. This is especially important as they become teenagers and feel pressure to conform. Something unique like a Special Day can be one way to help them see how they’re different and it can really make them feel special — loved. I don’t think Abigail has any friends who have something similar and I know it makes her feel special.

I’m taking a quick break from Carnegie and writing this in a column on influence for a couple of reasons:

  • We just did her Special Day last week and it’s fresh on my mind (see photos at the top). For me the best part was simply the hug and thank you at the end of the night.
  • I’ve always gotten very positive feedback from people when I’ve shared this idea so here’s a chance to share it with more people. I encourage you to think about doing something similar for your kids.
So maybe you’re reading this and you don’t have kids and you’re wondering if there’s any application for you? Yes! Just pick someone you love and try it. If you’re a business owner or boss, try it with your employees. I’ll leave it to you to come up with the creative ways to celebrate but if you want to let someone know how much they mean to you, that they are special, this is a great way to do it. And the side benefits; they’ll be much more apt to like you, want to help you and they won’t want to disappoint you. All those as will make it much easier to persuade them when the need arises.

If you have some creative thoughts on how to make people feel special leave a comment below.
Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”
NEW — I’ve added a new way for you to learn about influence. I’m now podcasting influence tips on Cinch. — NEW
If you’re interested in listening to daily tips designed to help you be more influential and persuasive then click on the Cinch link.

Arouse an Eager Want

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Question: Would you rather do something of your own free will or be forced? I’m going to guess all of you said you’d prefer to exercise your free will. That’s not to say we all can’t stand a good kick in the seat of the pants every now and then. I’m thinking of my old high school football coach as I type that! We can always be pushed to do a little more than we think we’re capable of but that’s not what I’m talking about here. What’s important is this difference; if I’m forced to do something I’ll probably stop doing it the moment the force, or threat, is removed. However, if I do something of my own free will I’m likely to continue in that behavior, especially if I enjoy some benefits.

Dale Carnegie also understood that people want to exercise their right to choose and that’s why he encouraged readers to arouse in the other person an eager want. It’s usually fun and enjoyable to do things when we want to do them but quite often people don’t want to do what’s asked of them. So how do you make someone want to do the thing you’re asking of them? A few thoughts come to mind.

In sales we jokingly say everyone’s favorite radio station is WIIFM. That stands for “What’s In It For Me” and it’s where everyone’s attention is tuned in almost continually. Let’s face it, first and foremost people think about how they will be impacted by things. I once heard a psychologist build on the WIIFM concept by adding everyone’s favorite song to the mix, a derivation of Willy Nelson’s classic, “You were Always on My Mind.” Paula Butterfield, addressing a leadership group at Franklin University several years ago said people’s favorite song was, “I was Always on My Mind.” Every person you meet is thinking, “How will this affect me?” That means you have to think about how to put things in terms that will appeal to them.

Understanding the other person and what they want, hope for, desire – what motivates them – is key. While this seems simple, how many times have you seen people try to motivate others in ways that motivate themselves? It’s not about YOU, it’s about them. If making more money is your thing that’s not necessarily someone else’s carrot. The same could be said for title or position. Not everyone wants to be a VP, company owner, head coach or some other highly visible position. For some people that motivation is easily seen and tapped into but when it comes to others you have to pay close attention. What do people talk about? What do you observe in their office or home? For some people the motivation is a sense of belonging, knowing they’re making a difference, family, hobbies, etc.

Once you know what that motivation is, your next step is to align your request with it somehow. This is the concept of consistency; the principle that says people are likely to act in ways that are consistent with what they’ve said or done in the past. If another person sees how what you’re asking ties into what’s most important to them then they’re likely to tackle it with more enthusiasm and more likely follow through. That’s the principle of consistency at work. For example, many kids don’t enjoy the work that comes along with college but they might have career aspirations. Tying in how coursework or grades might help them realize their dreams will make them a little more eager to do well.

Sometimes making something seem special, something not many people can have, or do, is what does the trick. This taps into scarcity, the principle of influence that tells us people are motivated to action when they fear losing an opportunity. This isn’t new to the human condition. Mark Twain wrote of Tom Sawyer in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, “He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it – namely, in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.” This came about because Tom didn’t want to paint a fence. He convinced the other kids to do it when he made it seem special. All of a sudden they all wanted to do it.

So we’ve now covered three fundamental techniques for handling people:

  1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
  2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

In the weeks to come we’ll explore Dale Carnegie’s six ideas to get people to like you. In the meantime, I’ve love to hear your thoughts about arousing an eager want in another person so feel free to leave a comment below.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

An Influence Shortcut – What do you have to believe?

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This week’s guest post is from Mike Figliuolo, Managing Director of thoughtLEADERS, LLC – a leadership development and training firm based in Columbus, Ohio. He regularly writes on the thoughtLEADERS blog (http://thoughtleadersllc.blogspot.com/). I know you’ll enjoy what Mike has to share.
Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”
Many times in business, we try to influence people with facts. Massive piles of data, reams of analysis, and countless presentations try to get people to buy, sell, or do something. We spend countless hours trying to influence others to take action because we have no direct authority over their decisions.

The thing is, many times all this effort is a total waste of time and energy. We try so hard to get someone to act by bludgeoning them with data. Another dynamic that surfaces is the “influencee” asks tons of questions about minute details because they know such data is available and the analysis is possible. Allow me to try to stop this insanity.

Repeat after me: “What do you have to believe?” It’s the greatest shortcut ever (and one of the most powerful ones to boot). I’ve covered aspects of this dynamic before in another post (http://thoughtleadersllc.blogspot.com/2008/01/getting-to-yes-does-it-change-answer.html) but this one bears some further elaboration.

When we sell our services to our clients, some of them want to quantify the return (and they should absolutely consider this point in their purchase decisions). Unfortunately, the nature of what we train people on is hard to quantify by virtue of the fact it covers soft skills (leadership, communications, strategy, etc.). That being said, we’re still able to demonstrate to clients that they get a phenomenal return on their training dollars. How? We use the “what do you have to believe?” technique.

Here’s how it goes:

  • Let’s assume a specific training event costs $500 for one person to attend. The course is focused on productivity (doing less irrelevant analysis, holding shorter and more effective meetings, etc.).
  • The client says “So if I spend that much money, am I making a good investment?”
  • I then ask “Do you believe if you send someone to this course they will be able to save 60 minutes of non-productive time per month?” to which the client resoundingly answers “Of course!”
  • I then say “Then the conversation is over.” The client says “Huh? I don’t understand.”
  • “Look, let’s assume the fully loaded compensation of the person you send to training is $100,000 per year. That equates to $50/hour ($100,000 / 250 days / 8 hours). The payback period of the training fee is 10 months. Your 1-year ROI is 20% ($600 saved / $500 invested).”
  • “Oh. Okay. I get it. It is a good investment.”
  • “No. It’s a GREAT investment because in year 2 you also save $600. And year 3 and so on. And you get those future savings with no additional investment. Doing a discounted cash flow of that time savings makes your return tremendous. On top of that, you have to realize the person will now do PRODUCTIVE work in that saved 60 minutes and that work has value we’re not even calculating here.”
  • “Okay. Let’s do the training.”

We got there with a simple “What do you have to believe?” The client very much believes they’ll save 60 minutes a month (which is a very low hurdle to get over). If they believe that, then the rest of the argument holds up.It’s basic break even analysis. I could go out and conduct massive research studies on all participants who have ever attended our training. I could develop statistical models to prove exactly what the ROI is. Doing all that work is a total waste of time. All the client REALLY wants to know is if they’re making a good investment. If we can show them they’re making not a good investment but a GREAT investment, any additional analysis done with the purpose of influencing them is wasted energy.Take a look at some of the decisions you’re trying to influence. Can you get to a compelling recommendation by simply asking “What do you have to believe?” I’ll bet you can. I hope I just freed up some time for you to spend on more value-added activities.Mike
Managing Director, thoughtLEADERS, LLC
http://thoughtleadersllc.com/

Give Honest, Sincere Appreciation

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Last week we looked at some simple advice from Dale Carnegie; avoid criticism, condemnation and complaining. That could be shortened to “Bite your lip” or “Shut your mouth.” This week we move on to Carnegie’s next fundamental technique for handling people — give honest, sincere appreciation. This is one simple way to tap into the principle of influence known as liking.

So the call is to express appreciation, a grateful recognition for something, with two caveats – the expression needs to be true and it should be genuine. While flattery does endear people to the flatterer…even when they know it is flattery…because this blog is about ethical influence being honest and sincere in your praise is a must. Flattery is disingenuous, whereas appreciation is real.

Who doesn’t like to be recognized in a positive way? I know I like to hear, “Well done,” and I bet you do too. I think we all want that. I’m of the opinion that the person who gruffly says, “I don’t need a pat on the back to know I’m doing a good job,” needs it more than anyone! I make that assertion because they probably never get praise and their reaction is a self-defense mechanism. It would stink to acknowledge you want praise but never get it.

So remember to give honest, sincere appreciation when appropriate. This benefits you too, because if you look for something genuine to compliment someone about, you tend to change your own thinking about that person. If you don’t particularly like someone but consistently make the effort to look for, and point out, good qualities they have, eventually you’ll find yourself thinking, “They’re not so bad after all.”

Here’s the really cool thing — if you keep it up long enough you might actually start to like them! That’s right; you will actually come to like them. After all, how can you not like someone you consistently find praiseworthy?

What naturally follows is they start to like you in return because they can tell you genuinely like them. Believe me, it’s much easier to persuade people to your way of thinking when you like them and they like you.

Wouldn’t it be great if every person you interact with tomorrow you actually like? Sure it would. While that might not happen 100% of the time it can occur a lot more than it’s happening right now but it’s up to you. If you take this advice and nothing else happens other than you come to like people more, even those who seem unlikable, then you’ll have better days.

Since this post is about honest, sincere appreciation I’ll put that advice into practice by taking time to express gratitude to people who’ve influenced me when it comes to this blog.

First let me start with those of you who read this each week. It amazes me that people in nearly 50 countries have taken time to read what I write each week. That excites me!If it were not for a coworker, James Seay, I never would have ventured into the online world. I took a personal branding class from James and he talked about the need for an online presence. He got me going on Facebook and LinkedIn. He’s also given me really good blogging advice. Click here to learn more about James.

Next is a man named George Black. I probably never would have started this blog had it not been for a conversation I was having with George about social media. Give him a follow on Twitter @GeorgeBlack because he’s a good man.

Mike Figliuolo, founder of thoughtLEADERS, gives me great ideas every time we have lunch together. Mike’s a smart, funny, insightful guy. We’ll be swapping blog posts so you’ll see more of him in the months to come. In fact, he will be the feature article next week. You can also follow him on Twitter @Figliuolo.

Thanks to my high school buddy Michael Franzese who’s given me some very cool drawings for this blog, like the one above. Take a look at his blog, Franzeseinklings, to see more cool pictures as well as his funny, interesting insights on life.

Debbie Conkel is a lady I’ve worked work with for many years. Debbie has proofread my work for more than 15 years and graciously proofreads every one of these posts on her own time. If you like my writing style Debbie has a lot to do with it. If you don’t like my style then it’s probably the parts where I didn’t take her advice.

Last but not least, I have to thank my wife, Jane, and daughter, Abigail, because they give me so much great content to write about and just roll with it. When I published the article on Reverse Psychology and the Vacation Bathing Suit Jane wasn’t thrilled. In fact, she emailed me to say, “You MIGHT want to ask my permission before writing a story about me. No girl wants her picture in a bathing suit on the Internet.” My response, “I’m just glad you’re a reader!” Really, I was just happy she was reading. Now she reads my posts every week…just in case.

As for Abigail, she hasn’t read many yet, too boring for a 13 year-old, so I can pretty much write what I want about her. You’ll learn all about raising a teenager in the years to come as I test all these psychological principles in the real world!

With all sincerity to any and all reading this week, thank you! I would only ask one thing before I leave you – would share this blog with a few other people? I’d love to write an article someday telling you people in 100 countries are readers.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

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Last week I introduced Dale Carnegie’s tips from How to Win Friends and Influence People in conjunction with Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink as a way to help you be more influential. The more I thought about that post the more I came to the conclusion it might be good to start digging even further into Carnegie’s advice because it’s timeless wisdom about how to influence people.

Did you know How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published way back in 1935? Believe it or not, it’s sold more than 15 million copies! The fact that nearly 75 years later you can still find How to Win Friends and Influence People in bookstores is a testament to this truth: people know Dale Carnegie’s advice works!

Carnegie didn’t have social scientist or behavioral economists to test his hypotheses. Instead he observed what the influential people of his day were doing and reflected on hi
s own successes when compiling his thoughts.

He started by encouraging readers regarding three fundamental techniques everyone should remember when dealing with people:

  • Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
  • Give honest, sincere appreciation.
  • Arouse in the other person an eager want

First up for our consideration is “don’t criticize, condemn or complain.” This should be obvious for one reason – nobody likes to be around anyone who is constantly criticizing them or complaining about their behavior. Okay, so you’re sick and tired that your boss, spouse, kid, employee or someone else won’t change. I’ll bet a light bulb didn’t just come on and you thought, “Perhaps if I nag enough that will do the trick.” No, in most cases if people were honest they’d admit the “advice” they’ve been giving ranges from subtle jabs to flat out complaining. People say, “You never…” or “You always…” as if saying it louder or repeating it more will bring about the change they want to see.

Newsflash: Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working then perhaps it’s time to try something different…unless nagging is your way of releasing frustration.

On a more subtle level, we often fail to remember everyone has reasons (even if we think they’re poor ones) for doing what they do. Kids will justify cheating in school because everyone is doing it. Thieves will tell you they steal because they can’t get a job or life has been unfair to them. Famous people cave into all kinds of temptation because, “You don’t know what it’s like to have all this pressure.” I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. Right or wrong, everyone has reasons for doing what they do.

Here’s another newsflash: We are emotional beings, not logical, rational creatures. The vast majority of people act on emotion then try to justify their actions with some amount of logic. Salesman and marketers figured this out a long time ago. If you want to see great examples of “rational” people acting irrationally pick up Dan Ariely’s book Predictably Irrational.

So here’s what Dale Carnegie realized – if we “attack” people by criticizing them or complaining about their behavior they’ll only dig in their heels and justify why they’ve done something. It’s like having two people stand face-to-face with their hands pressed against one another. As soon as one person applies a little pressure the other person automatically does so too. The result; the hands are in a state of equilibrium and remain in the same spot.

Now apply that concept to the person you’ve been complaining about, criticizing or condemning. They’ve probably applied equal and opposite pressure and have remained the same. In the end we sabotage ourselves because our own behavior only makes it harder to persuade them to bring about lasting change.

What’s the answer? Dale Carnegie’s already told us, “Stop criticizing, condemning and complaining!” You protest, “But then they’ll never change!” That might be true but at least you won’t have wasted your breath and frustrated yourself in the process. And remember, we’re going to be looking at nearly three dozen other ideas, including nine ways to encourage people to change without giving offense so hang in with me and look for another post next Monday.

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”

Blink to Win Friends and Influence People

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How can you become more influential in the blink of an eye? This week I’m going to show you how can you use a concept from Malcolm Gladwell’s best-selling book Blink in conjunction with Dale Carnegie’s classic How to Win Friends and Influence People to become a more persuasive person. And the best part is this; it’s so simple it will take no more than 10 seconds a day!

In Blink Gladwell discusses a psychological concept known as “priming.” He cites several studies that clearly show people’s behavior can be influenced by mere exposure to words, even though they are totally unaware of it. I encourage you to pick up the book and read for yourself how NYU students became more, or less, patient depending on certain words they saw. Or perhaps you’ll be more interested to read about people acting older just because they read a few words associated with the elderly.
One other fascinating study showed people were smarter by focusing on smart things immediately prior to playing the game Trivial Pursuit.

So here’s how I’ve used Blink in conjunction with How to Win Friends and Influence People to be more persuasive. In order to be persuasive, you have to put into action what you know. Unfortunately, we forget a lot of the cool stuff we learn. Although I read and study a lot because I teach a variety of sales courses, I have to admit, my memory is not the greatest. Even though I’ve taught Dale Carnegie’s material dozens and dozens of times I could not recite all of his tips from memory. To overcome this, I’ve taken his tips and dropped them into a recurring task in Microsoft Outlook so now, every morning when I log on at work, the task opens automatically, and I’m exposed to Dale Carnegie ideas. I don’t read all of them each day — remember, I said just 10 seconds — I just take them like a vitamin, one a day.

Whatever day of the month it is, I simply read the tip for that particular day. For example, if it’s the 16th of the month I scroll down and read, “Let the other person feel the idea is theirs.” While I may not have all 30 tips committed to memory, I know because of priming that mere exposure to Carnegie’s sound advice will positively impact my behavior. Over time it starts to become second nature to avoid arguments, focus on people’s names, dramatize ideas, etc. In essence I’m doing it without even thinking about it.

Below are Dale Carnegie’s tips and to the right you’ll see how some correspond to Dr. Cialdini’s principles of influence. I encourage you to copy the list and put it somewhere that will allow you to see it daily. Do so and you too can become more influential…in the blink of an eye.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. Liking

2 Give honest, sincere appreciation. Liking

3 Arouse in the other person an eager want. Consistency

Six Ways to Make People Like You
4 Become genuinely interested in other people. Liking

5 Smile. Reciprocation

6 Remember their name. Liking

7 Be a good listener & encourage others to talk about themselves. Liking

8 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. Liking

9 Make the other person feel important. Liking

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
10 Avoid arguments. Liking

11 Show respect for other’s opinions and never say, “You’re wrong.” Liking

12 If you are wrong, admit it quickly & emphatically. Authority

13 Begin in a friendly way. Reciprocity

14 Get the other person to say “yes” immediately. Consistency

15 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Consistency

16 Let the other person feel the idea is theirs. Consistency

17 Try to see things from the other’s point of view. Liking

18 Be sympathetic to other’s ideas and desires. Liking

19 Appeal to the nobler motives. Consistency

20 Dramatize your ideas. Contrast

21 Throw down a challenge.

Be a Leader: How to Encourage People to Change without Giving Offense
22 Begin with praise and honest appreciation. Liking

23 Call attention to mistakes indirectly. Liking

24 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing. Authority

25 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Consistency

26 Let the other person save face. Liking

27 Praise the slightest, and every improvement. Liking

28 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Consistency

29 Use encouragement and make the fault seem easy to correct. Liking

30 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Consistency

 

Brian
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes!”