Despite her enthusiasm, Pat was a little late getting to the coffee shop on Friday. It had been a good week, but a very busy one for her and her team. She saw Coach Smith sitting at a table reading as she approached the counter to get her drink. As she made her way over to his table she noticed he was wearing a walking boot.

“Coach, what happened to your foot?” she asked with a concerned tone in her voice.

He replied, “I broke my ankle many years ago and sometimes it flares up. When it does, it’s easierr me to use the old walking boot than to hobble around. It’s nothing to worry about,” he said with his familiar smile. Then he asked Pat, “How was your week?” 

Pat began to recount more personal victories which brought an even wider smile to Coach’s face. After she finished sharing she eagerly asked, “What’s next on our agenda?” 

“Do you remember when you were a child and your mother warned you about peer pressure?” he inquired.

“Yes, mom was always warning me not to go jump off a bridge just because my friends might be doing it,” she recounted with a chuckle.

Coach said, “What parents like your mom are describing with peer pressure is actually called social proof. This psychological concept describes how natural it is for us to look to others to see how we should behave in different situations. We’re much more impacted by what other people are doing, how they’re feeling, and what they’re thinking, than we realize. We’ve been wired this way from the beginning of time to up our odds of survival because there’s safety in numbers.” 

With an inquisitive look Pat replied, “I always looked at peer pressure as negative.”

Coach went on, “Most of the time, the way the term is used, it’s negative. However, it can be used for good. An example from my coaching days that you may recall was looking to other teams that we aspired to be like. I would always call out those teams and tell you ladies what they were doing because I wanted to inspire you to do the same. Do you remember that?” 

“I certainly do but I didn’t understand the psychology behind it. Of course we wanted to be like those teams that were in divisions above us that were so consistently good,” Pat replied as she sipped her cappuccino. 

Coach Smith continued, “The key is to point people to the behaviors that you want people to emulate. Too often people misuse the psychology.”

Pat asked, “How do they misuse it?”

“Too often they point to what lots of people are doing when the behaviors are the wrong thing to do. That only sets in the mind of the listeners that maybe those behaviors are something they should be doing too. For example, if a teacher laments how many students are cheating he probably sets in the minds of other students, ones who would not otherwise consider cheating, that maybe they can get away with cheating too. The teacher’s attempt to use the psychology backfires and gets the opposite behavior that the teacher wants.”

Pat asked, “So I always want to look to others whose behaviors we want to model as a motivating factor?”

“Absolutely!” Coach replied enthusiastically. “And here’s something else to consider; when lots of people are doing something that’s certainly motivating. However, it’s much more motivating when you can point to others who are most similar to the people that you’re trying to influence.”

“So, if I understand you correctly,” Pat began, “Then I should look to other companies who have learning departments about our size and, if possible, within our industry?”

“Absolutely!” Coach said again. “It won’t do you any good to compare yourself to a mega corporation because your team will feel that your company doesn’t have the same technology, people power, resources, and other things to emulate the big boys. But, if you look at companies who are a little further ahead on the curve than yours and consider what they’re doing, I’m sure your team will think, ‘If they can do it we can do it too.’ Make sense?”

Paraphrasing Coach back at him, with a smile and a wink, Pat replied, “Absolutely!” 

Looking at her with the look of contentment at having taught her well, Coach Smith said, “It seems like you have a handle on this lesson. I need to cut our time a little short today because I’m going to stop by the doctor to have her check out my ankle just to be safe. Same time next week?”

Pat replied, “Short of a vacation to Hawaii, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

Coach laughed and told her, “If I get an opportunity to go to Hawaii, as much as I enjoy our time together, I’ll take that trip too.” With that they stood up, hugged and went their separate ways.

Installments

1. And Now for Something Completely Different
2. Coach’s Lesson on Liking
3. Game Time for Pat
4. Coach’s Lesson on Reciprocity
5. Tis Better to Give
6. A Lesson on Peer Pressure
7. Putting Peer Pressure to Work at Work
8. A Trusted Expert
9. Becoming a Respected Leader
10. Ask, Don’t Tell if You Want Commitment
11. Less Directive
12. Wins and Losses
13. Don’t be a Downer
14. Self-sacrifice
15. Pay it Forward

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.

 

Pat was so excited to share with Coach Smith how her week had gone that she arrived at the coffee shop 15 minutes early. When he walked in she waved excitedly. He smiled and nodded as he waited in line for his drink. As he made his way to the table he could see that she was beaming and said, “It looks like someone’s having a great day.”

Pat replied, “I’m so excited to share with you everything that went on this week.” As she detailed what she’d done and the responses that she’d noticed, Coach just sat there with a wide grin. Then he said, “I’m so happy for you Pat. Building a strong relationship with your team through the principle of liking is the foundation for everything else. In one sense it’s the most important thing and in another sense, it’s also the easiest. I say easy because we’re social creatures and we’re naturally wired for relationships. Being thoughtful and strategic as you were makes building those relationships easier.”

Coach went on, “The reason liking is the foundation is because it sets the tone for all the other principles. I think you’ll grasp that as we start talking about the second principle, reciprocity.” 

Coach could see Pat furrowed her brows and had a look in her eyes as if she wasn’t sure what was coming next. He said, “Reciprocity might be a somewhat unfamiliar term but I’m sure you’ve heard the term reciprocate.” 

Pat said yes, “I’m familiar with that word. That’s where I give to someone who has given to me first. It’s give and take.”

Coach replied, “Yes and no. Yes, reciprocity is that feeling of obligation to give back to those who first give to us. However, we don’t use a give to get mentality. In other words, we don’t do something or help someone just to get them to do something in return. If people think you’re only helping to get a favor then they might reject your offer. This is why the principle of liking sets the foundation. If you really lay hold of liking and genuinely begin to like the people that you’re with, it changes your giving. For example, don’t you genuinely want to help your friends, simply because they’re your friends and you want the best for them?” 

Pat reflexively answered, “Absolutely!”

Coach went on, “If you’ve really grasped the principle of liking, and use it on yourself to like other people, you’ll naturally want the best for them. That’s what changes you’re giving. Suddenly you’re not giving to get but you’re giving because you truly want the best for the people that you know and like. When they sense your sincerity, that’s where everything begins to change because, when you need help, those people that you’ve helped will want to help you in return. Does that make sense?” 

“I never looked at it that way,” Pat said. She went on, “It makes complete sense. In fact, it makes so much sense that I can’t believe we don’t all do things that way.”

Coach told her, “It doesn’t happen because too often we’re focused on the wrong things. We try to get people to like us and the only time we offer help is to get something in return. People see through those approaches and that’s what keeps them from forming the kind of relationships you need in order to lead a successful team.”

Then coach shared an example from Pat’s playing days. “Pat, Do you remember when I asked you to work with Kate on her foul shooting and Sarah on Her three-point shot?”

“Sure Coach. Both were struggling early in the season,” Pat answered.

Coach went on, “I asked you to help both of them because they had specific needs and you are an excellent free-throw and three-point shooter. Did you notice after that how willing they were to do whatever you asked and support you in your role as a leader?” 

“Now that I think back on it, yes, they were some of my biggest supporters. They helped bring some of the other girls on the team along,” Pat told Coach.

Coach said emphatically, “Bingo! It was a strategic use of reciprocity on my part to help form that tight-knit team that we were by the end of the season.”

He continued, “Let me share a couple of things that will help magnify your giving. First, make sure whatever you give is specific to the person’s wants, needs, or likes. In other words, don’t give a Starbucks gift card to someone who doesn’t drink coffee.” 

Pat responded, “Of course, that would be silly.”

Coach went on, “Yes, but quite often people assume others like the same things they like. Spend time getting to know people and you’ll understand what they prefer so that you can customize your giving to each person. The second thing to consider is more is better. If someone likes Starbucks, a $5 gift card is nice but a $10 gift card is even better.”

He paused for a moment because he could see Pat was furiously taking notes. Then he went on, “And the final thing to consider is to make your giving unexpected. We all anticipate gifts on holidays like Christmas, Hanukkah, birthdays, or anniversaries. However when someone gives something out of the blue, simply because you were thinking of the other person, there’s a wow factor to that.”

The wheels were turning and Pat’s head so Coach asked what she was thinking. Pat  replied, “I’m amazed at how much I learned in just one week by really focusing on my team. I’m just beginning to think about how I could use that information to inform my giving.” 

Coach glanced at his watch, noticed time was getting short, and began to wrap up the session. “Pat, I grew up going to church and there are two things I learned that tie into what we’re talking about today. The first is the Golden Rule; do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s a great starting point. Treat people or give to people in the way that we would want to be treated or given to. But, the more you get to know people the more impactful you’re giving will be because you’re not treating them or giving as you would want to receive but as they would like to receive. The second thing that I know to be true is this; it’s better to give than receive. I know when you start to implement this principle with your team you’ll find that to be the case. There is joy in genuinely helping people that we care about.”

It was nearly four o’clock when they stood up. Pat told Coach. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for these lessons Coach. I’m so glad we ran into each other a few weeks ago and I’m thankful you’re taking time to meet with me.”

That brought a smile to Coach Smith’s face and he replied, “As a coach it’s always been my goal to impact my players. These sessions give me tremendous joy because, even though I’m not coaching a basketball team, I see I’m still having an impact on people. Thank you Pat for allowing me to do that.” 

They confirmed next week’s meeting, exchanged a quick hug, wished each other well for the weekend, then went their separate ways. 

Installments

1. And Now for Something Completely Different
2. Coach’s Lesson on Liking
3. Game Time for Pat
4. Coach’s Lesson on Reciprocity
5. Tis Better to Give
6. A Lesson on Peer Pressure
7. Putting Peer Pressure to Work at Work
8. A Trusted Expert
9. Becoming a Respected Leader
10. Ask, Don’t Tell if You Want Commitment
11. Less Directive
12. Wins and Losses
13. Don’t be a Downer
14. Self-sacrifice
15. Pay it Forward

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.

 

If you read last week’s post then you know I’m doing a series over the next few months to use storytelling as a way to teach influence. If you missed it, take a moment to read it so you have context for the continuation below.

Coach’s First Lesson – Liking

True to his word, Coach was sitting at the same table the following week when Pat walked into the coffee shop. With book in hand, she enthusiastically waved to him as she walked to the counter to place her order.

She sat down and, after a few pleasantries, true to form, Coach said, “We have a lot of ground to cover. What do you say we get going?”

Pat replied, “Absolutely Coach!”

He began, “Pat, in order to create a successful team, you need to care about the people you lead, and they need to care about each other. The foundation has to be a strong relationship. It was apparent to me from the start of your senior season that there wasn’t a deep connection between the players, but it was my job to help foster that. There were two principles in the book that helped me build a strong relationship with that team. 

Pat said, “I started looking over the book and I’m a little familiar with the different principles but I’m not sure which ones you used.”

Coach replied, “The principles of liking and reciprocity. The principle of liking tells us it’s easier for people to say yes to those they know and like. That means it’s critically important that your players like you but more importantly, that they know you like and care for them.” 

Pointing to his head he went on, “Everybody understands this, but few people know how to thoughtfully apply it. I’ll tell you three things that I did. First, I made sure to learn as much about each player as I could so I could connect with all of you on things we had in common. It’s very natural for us to like people we see as similar to ourselves. Next, I made sure to let each of you know things about one another that might get you talking outside of the gym. I did this so you could foster better relationships between yourselves.”

Pat remarked, “So that’s why you told me about Jane’s Boxer pup?”

“Exactly. Because you grew up with a Boxer, I knew you two would bond over that,” he said with a grin.

Taking a sip of his coffee he went on, “The second thing around liking that I put into play was to pay genuine compliments and encourage all of you to do the same.”

Pat said, “You did have a knack for looking for the best in people.”

Coach said, “I always felt like I was that kind of person, but I became more intentional about it after I realized paying compliments was another way of getting people to like each other. It didn’t just get you to like me, it was working on me because, the more I looked for the good in all of you, the more I liked and cared for you.”

He went on, “The third thing I did around liking was to put people in situations where they had to cooperate in order to succeed. You may recall that quite often I put players who clearly didn’t seem to like each other together in certain drills. I made it a point not to put them in drills where they had to compete against each other because that would have only heightened their competitive nature against one another. Instead, I put them in situations where they had to consciously work together. When you work together successfully, you’re more apt to acknowledge the contributions of the other person and liking naturally occurs. Is this making sense?”

Pat was busy taking notes but paused and said, “It makes total sense. It brings back memories about how you were implementing it throughout the season. And you’re right, the further we got into the season the more we sensed you truly cared for us. And I can recall times where some of the players who didn’t get along early on started coming together. We had no idea it was orchestrated by you.”

Coach took the final sip of his coffee and told Pat, “Basketball is about more than Xs and Os, and so is leading your team. Let’s stop here today because I’ve given you a lot to think about and put into practice over the next week. Remember; connect on what you have in common, pay compliments when warranted, and look for ways to get people to work together cooperatively. When we get together next week I’ll let you know how the other principle, reciprocity, also helped us build a more cohesive team.”

Unable to conceal her enthusiasm Pat said, “Thank you so much Coach! I feel like I did when I played for you. I’m excited for the next game.”

Tune in next week to see how Pat puts her learning into practice with her team.

Installments

1. And Now for Something Completely Different
2. Coach’s Lesson on Liking
3. Game Time for Pat
4. Coach’s Lesson on Reciprocity
5. Tis Better to Give
6. A Lesson on Peer Pressure
7. Putting Peer Pressure to Work at Work
8. A Trusted Expert
9. Becoming a Respected Leader
10. Ask, Don’t Tell if You Want Commitment
11. Less Directive
12. Wins and Losses
13. Don’t be a Downer
14. Self-sacrifice
15. Pay it Forward

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.

While Jane and I were on vacation in Palm Springs, my best friend Russell introduced us to cigars. Much to our surprise, we thoroughly enjoyed sitting on his patio each evening sipping Scotch and enjoying a good cigar.

When we returned home, we found a small cigar shop in our hometown of Westerville. We’ve been there a couple of times to purchase cigars then sit down and enjoy them. What’s been and pleasant surprise during those visits are the interesting people we’ve met.

This past weekend we talked with a young man who’s early in his career as a company marketing rep for a large implement dealer. As he shared a little about his job, I saw the parallel with field salespeople in the insurance industry.

I began to share a little about what I do and how I work with sales and marketing reps. He was very intrigued as everything I shared was new to him and he could see how it applied to his job. We ended up talking for quite some time.

I’m under no illusion that a new company rep is going to get me in the door with that huge organization. As we left the cigar shop Jane was extremely complimentary but a little frustrated. She said I had a gift for sharing ideas to help people when it comes to influencing others. She lamented that I didn’t have an opportunity in front of a decision maker.

I told her I wasn’t discouraged at all. We can always choose to do the right thing and trust that, in time, the right opportunities will present themselves. I didn’t look at that conversation has anything more than a chance to meet someone, help them a little, and perfect my messaging.

My approach to conversations like that is similar to being on podcasts. Whether or not a piece of business turns up because I was a guest on a show isn’t the point. The goal is to do what I can to help people. Each time I’m on a podcast it’s an opportunity to meet podcast hosts, share influence with a new audience, and perfect my messaging. That’s how I look at networking when it arises, even in the most unlikely settings. It’s not about “working the room,” it’s about genuine giving then trusting that reciprocity is at work.

Here’s my encouragement: Don’t tire of doing the right thing. I wrote a blog post last year called Is Anything Ever Really Lost? I encourage you to read it. I’m a firm believer that nothing is ever lost. Even when you don’t see the point in some of the things you’re doing, they have meaning and purpose.

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.

If you’re married, then you might relate to this joke. A wife was asked how she knew when her husband was wrong. She replied, “His lips are moving.” 

As someone who’s been married for quite some time, I can relate to this. I often feel as if my wife Jane asks my opinion on something…just so she can confirm going in the opposite direction. It could be an outfit she’s trying on, the color of a paint for the house, or ideas for kitchen remodeling. It seems that whatever I like she goes in the opposite direction. I did overcome this once using reverse psychology.

As I reflected on this, and what’s transpired over the last few years, I have to admit; I’m wrong quite often. It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, but it can be very freeing. Here are a handful of times when I was flat out wrong.

• As I watched the NFL playoffs on Sunday and saw the Cincinnati Bengals defeat the Kansas City Chiefs, I was reminded that early in the season the Bengals were the only team in their division I thought had no chance at making the playoffs. Now they’re going to the Super Bowl. Wrong!
• Early on in the pandemic I mistakenly believed Covid would be nothing more than a very severe year of flu deaths. Boy was I wrong!
• When the pandemic hit, I thought realtors would be in for a world of hurt. After all, who would commit to a 15 or 30-year mortgage not knowing if they would have a job given the state of the world? Wrong again!
• I thought many other sales, for example automobiles, would go down the tubes because people would be afraid to spend their saivings with an uncertain future. Wrong once again.
• Seeing so many people hold out on going back to work, I assumed there would be an influx of workers when PPE payments stopped late last year. I never anticipated how many people would voluntarily retire from the labor force. Yes, I was wrong.

I don’t think I would be incorrect to guess many of you reading this were wrong on a lot of things too when it came to the pandemic and its impact on our lives.

But, something I’ve learned when it comes to persuasion is this; when you admit weakness, or times when you’re wrong, you gain credibility as someone who is honest. Done the right way, this can even lead to better odds of influencing people. 

I do believe most of us are probably wrong, or not 100% correct, on far more than we realize during the course of any given day. It doesn’t make us deficient; it means we’re human. I liken it to stepping on a scale that’s wrong but whether it’s 5lbs too heavy or 5lbs too light, if you step on the same scale every day you will get a gauge as to whether or not your weight is going up, down, or staying the same. In other words, even when we’re wrong so often, we figure out how to make life work.

As I wrote earlier, it’s freeing to be able to admit that you don’t have all the answers and that sometimes you’re just wrong. If you need more examples of when I was wrong, just sit down with my wife for 10 or 15 minutes and she’ll gladly add to this list. 

Brian Ahearn, CPCU, CTM, CPT, CMCT

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His new business parable, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is now available.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 400,000 people around the world.