7 Power Phrases for Influence

/2 Comments/by

What you say and how you say it can make all the difference between hearing yes or no, building or destroying relationships, gaining buy-in or making people feel forced to do something. This week I want to share 7 power phrases that, when used at the right time, can help you be more influential. 

Yes, and…

Kelly Leonard, a 25+ year veteran of the world famous Second City improv group, wrote a book called Yes, and… Improv comedy is built around the idea of “yes, and..” which means accepting whatever comes your way then adding to it. 

According to Kelly, all too often we’re quick to dismiss ideas out of hand in business. That’s unfortunate because those same ideas, if accepted and built on, could lead to innovative solutions. It’s about having an open mind and seeing possibilities instead of problems and roadblocks. 

No, but…

Jim Carrey played Carl Allen in the movie Yes Man, where he had to say yes to everything that came his way. It was a feel good, funny movie, but we know it’s not reality to say yes to everyone who makes a request of us. However, when you have to tell someone no then follow with “but”, you can segue into potentially acceptable solutions. That’s because this phrase takes the focus off of the unacceptable option and focuses more on actual possibilities. Remember, people usually forget what comes before but so strategically using this approach can be a pathway to an acceptable solution. 

Thanks, because…

I heard Kelly Leonard talk about “thanks, because…” recently on the Behavioral Grooves podcast. If someone shares something you disagree with or cannot do, look for the good in what was presented. Whatever positives you find, thank the person for sharing their point of view, say “because” then tell them what you learned or why you appreciate what they shared.

This approach is a strong relationship builder because you’ve not dismissed the person and acknowledged common ground.

Sure, as soon as…

Many years ago I read about this phrase in the Toastmasters magazine. Here’s a very typical scenario between a child and parent. 

Child, “Can I go to the movies?”

Parent, “No, you haven’t finished your homework.”

This approach comes across negatively. How about using this positive response instead, “Sure, as soon as you finish your homework.” In this scenario you’re giving permission but with a condition that needs to be met first. Use this approach and you’ll be able to tell your kids, “I always say yes to you.” 

How am I supposed to do that?

Chris Voss is the author of Never Split the Difference and one of the leading negotiation experts in the world. He used to negotiate hostage situations for the FBI and always got the hostages back safely. As you might imagine, hostage takers often make extreme demands and sometimes business negotiators make outrageous demands too. Voss suggests tossing the ball back in their court by asking how you’re supposed to meet that extreme demand. This approach often gets the other person to moderate their position and/or begin to collaborate on how you can work together to find an acceptable solution. 

I’m going to ask you something and if you’re not comfortable answering I’ll understand.

I’ve used this approach for years when it comes to difficult conversations around sensitive topics. My first recollection was with a former coworker. She was a black female who was a manager in a different division of the company, so we were only slightly acquainted. We bumped into each other at the airport and decided to sit next to each other on the flight once we realized we were heading to the same place. Shortly after takeoff I said, “I’m going to ask you a question and, if you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to answer. What’s it like to be a black woman working for our company?” She didn’t stop talking the whole flight and I gained a new perspective on race and gender. 

An opening like this gives people the freedom as to whether or not to answer. Never underestimate how much people want to retain their personal freedom! Using this approach, I’ve never had someone say, “Thanks, but I’d prefer not to talk.”

If you can’t do it, I’ll understand.

I read about this approach in Bob Burg’s book The Art of Persuasion then heard him mention it on the Negotiate Anything podcast. Bob’s phrase is similar to the opening I just described in the last section. 

Sometimes you interact with people who have the power to do, or not do, what you want. Acknowledging that and giving them the freedom to choose will work in favor of you far more than it will fail.

Conclusion

I hope you give some of the aforementioned approaches a try because I think you’ll find them highly effective, just as I have. Use them correctly and ethically to up your influence game. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence. 

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

Are You Comfortable In Your Own Skin?

/2 Comments/by

Last week I had lunch with a close friend who made an observation that made me think deeply. It’s not a stretch to say Dennis knows me better than anyone in the world other than Jane. That’s because he helped me through some rough times. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly.

We’d not seen each other for quite some time because of the pandemic so, as you might imagine, it was good to shake hands, share a hug, and enjoy a meal together. As we talked about what transpired professionally and personally, he said, “You seem very comfortable in your own skin.” I don’t know about you but that wasn’t always the case with me. I hope that sharing this helps some readers get more comfortable.

Enjoyment, Not Perfectionism

When I was in middle school I came home with a pretty good report card; 6 As and one C. My dad’s response was, “What happened in English?” While I understand that what’s different usually catches our attention, and that he didn’t mean anything negative by the comment, it set in motion perfectionism in me. What made it tougher was that the comment came from a Marine who had very high standards. 

If you’re a perfectionist you never fully enjoy anything because of the focus on what went wrong. It leads to a gnawing sense that no matter how good whatever you did was, it could have been better. Imagine a golfer who shoots a 64, but only talks about the missed birdie opportunity on one hole. The focus is, “But I could have shot a 63 if I hadn’t missed that darn putt!” when it could have been, “I played the best round of my life!” Which mindset do you think leads to joy?

Content, Not Complacent

I told Dennis, when I’m finished with a presentation or training event at this point in my career it’s rare if I don’t feel like it was the best I’ve ever given. Now I allow myself to enjoy the moment and I don’t downplay any compliments I might get. Instead, I embrace them, thank people, and let them know it means a lot because I work hard on my craft. I’m content but it doesn’t end there.

Usually after a brief period I get back to work. I ask myself what I could do better next time. But the focus of that question isn’t obsessive. Now I get joy as I continue working hard at something I love and that I believe helps others. The difference is comparable to the person who compulsively works out and diets to look a certain way versus the person who eats well and exercises because they enjoy both and the healthy feeling that results. Who do you think enjoys life more?

Trust, Not Control 

I’ve also learned the difference between trust and control. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time then you’ve probably seen this quote before, “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” When you put in the work good things happen and quite often those good things aren’t even opportunities you were pursuing. Two instances come to mind.

My target market is insurance. I spent more than 30 years working for different insurance companies. I understand all facets of the industry from the company and agency sides. I spend my time going after that market and yet some of my biggest clients are not insurance related and they found me. When those opportunities present themselves, I’m either ready to help or trust enough to say, “I don’t think I’m the right person for what you need but I know people who can help.” 

The second instance had to do with a Ted Talk I was supposed to give last year. Five days out it was canceled because of Covid. I was disappointed but quickly reoriented my thoughts knowing all my practice and preparation would pay dividends in time. I’m starting to see that as that talk has become the basis for keynotes and breakout sessions for clients.

Conclusion

I’m thankful for Dennis’s observation because I’d not thought deeply about this. Nearly 30 years ago I wrote a personal mission statement, and in one section I wrote, “I want to like who God created me to be.” Am I perfect? Hardly, and I no longer care. There’s no one I’d rather be than me because I know I’m loved and accepted just as I am by the people who matter most in my life. I hope that’s the case for you too. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

Is Engaging Reciprocity a Hustle?

/0 Comments/by

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships. The gist of the post was that some people don’t allow others to do for them in return. I pointed out why it might seem gracious for the giver to say, “You don’t need to do anything in return, your thanks is enough,” but in reality, this approach causes an imbalance in the relationship. Like it or not, right or wrong, people don’t like feeling under obligation. Even when you don’t expect anything in return, most people want to, or feel the need to, reciprocate. Reject their offers to reciprocate one too many times and people will start rejecting your sincere offers.

Another aspect of reciprocity came to my attention over the weekend when a friend forwarded a recent Seth Godin blog post called, The Reciprocity Hustle. The gist of Godin’s post was, don’t be insincere in your attempts to help or give because people see through that self-serving approach.

No disagreement with Godin on that point. I routinely get emails offering compliments, “Hey, I love your website…” or “Your last article was great…” Giving compliments is a way to engage liking and, because it’s also a form of giving, it engages reciprocity. Those emails filter through my brain this way, “I just gave you a compliment, so I hope you’ll do something for me in return.” Excuse me for a moment while I stick my finger down my throat and gag. I hate such blatantly manipulative approaches.

Those are the insincere attempts Godin was referring to. Reciprocity should not be viewed as “give to get.” I like to put it as follows; Don’t give to get but if you don’t give, you’ll never get. It’s about the right motive, a sincere desire to help. Anything else should be reframed as a tactic the other person is using just to get what they want. 

Godin ended his post with, “Simply show up with good intent to do work that you’re proud of. If we do this with consistency and care, sooner or later, it comes back around. Not because we hustled, but precisely because we didn’t.”

I agree with Godin about doing good work and trusting it will come back around…but don’t leave it there, simply hoping it will come back to you in time. I encourage you; if you’ve genuinely helped people, you should never be hesitant or feel awkward about asking for help when you need it. 

Most of the people you’ve helped along the journey of life and business will want to help you if given the opportunity. The problem is, they don’t wake up every day thinking about you and how they can help you. They have their own troubles to deal with, goals they’re striving for, and other issues that occupy their limited attention. That’s not to say they are ungrateful, they’re just busy. A tap on the proverbial shoulder might be all they need to learn what you need and say yes. 

Give without expectation because it’s the right way, the best way to do life. Imagine how much better life would be if everyone took that approach! And, when you need something from people you’ve genuinely helped along the way, feel free to reach out and ask for what you need. Most will be more willing to help than you might imagine and they’ll feel good about helping you as I outlined in The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships.

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 375,000 people around the world.

What Charges and Drains Your Emotional Battery?

/1 Comment/by

What activities give you emotional energy, charging your battery and make you feel like you could go all day long? On the flip side, what drains your battery, zapping your emotional energy and leave you feeling exhausted? My wife and I made a discovery around energy not long ago that’s been helpful for our relationship. I thought sharing the insight might help your relationships too. 

Here’s the backstory: Jane is extremely social, a total extrovert. I’m not so perhaps opposites do attract. I love her outgoing nature and enjoy introducing her to people. I often tell people who’ve not met her, “I know you like me, but you’ll love my wife.” And they do! She’s fun to be around, has a great sense of humor, is easy to talk to, and I marvel at how easily she relates to just about anyone. Emotionally she’ll go wherever you go. She will laugh and have fun with you but she’s also willing to feel your pain and cry with you if need be. Our daughter Abigail takes after Jane in this regard. They get energy from being with people and could float around a room talking to everyone without regard to time.

I’m the opposite. When I go to a social event, I prefer meeting just a few people and going deep in conversation. Trying to talk with lots of people takes conscious effort on my part and leaves me feeling exhausted. This surprises people because of how much I network and my public persona. I am relational but in a different way from my wife and daughter.

When it comes to standing in front of a group and presenting, I LOVE that! I get excited by the anticipation and enjoy preparing for events. Jane and Abigail dread being in the spotlight. For them anticipating being in the spotlight is nerve wracking, which makes it emotionally draining, but I draw energy from it.

Think about how the same activities have opposite effects on us. How did this insight help my marriage? Jane used to get upset with me at times because she thought I was being a stick in the mud. I on the other hand, would get upset with her because she wouldn’t stop talking to people. It was especially bothersome when I was ready to leave. I thought standing by the door with our coats in hand was a good signal. She and Abigail joke about me and tell people, “We always know when he’s ready to go because he just stops talking.” True!

After Jane and I came to the realization that socializing has the opposite impact on us we got along better and had more grace for each other during those times that used to frustrate us. I know her floating and talking makes her happy because it’s effortless. She knows my lack of engagement at times isn’t boredom, it’s just fatigue from consciously trying so hard. 

I encourage you to have a conversation about energy with people who are close with you. You’ll probably learn a few things, better understand that person and have more patience in situations that used to frustrate you.  

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships

/5 Comments/by

Recently I overheard a conversation where an individual mentioned the kindness of a friend. She said whenever she goes to her friend’s business that friend never charges her for whatever services she provides. While the woman said she appreciates the friend’s generosity, she has a strong desire to do something in return for her friend in recognition of the kindness. The problem is that her friend usually refuses any return gesture. This refusal to receive creates an awkward imbalance in the relationship.

Reciprocity

Social scientists agree that all human societies raise their people according to the rule of reciprocity. Reciprocity describes that natural feeling of obligation you have to give back to those who have first given to you. 

In most societies the conditioning for reciprocation starts in early childhood. It’s a good bet when you were young, and someone did something nice for you, your mother or father looked at you and said, “What do you say?” At that point you turned to the other person and responded with, “Thank you.” 

Although not formally told, “You have to do something in return for people after they do something for you,” you quickly picked up the subtlety of what your parents were teaching you. When someone does something for you there’s an expectation that you’ll recognize their kindness by doing something kind in return. It might be as simple as saying, “Thank you,” or it could be more significant depending on the generosity of their act.

Giving

Sometimes giving occurs outside of any relationship. For example, someone might give you a free sample at a grocery store. At a minimum you thank the person. Sometimes that little free sample causes you to buy when you might not have otherwise.

Quite often giving occurs within a defined relationship.  When that’s the case, and the recipient isn’t afforded an opportunity to reciprocate, it creates an imbalance. If you’re like many people you may think, “Someone doesn’t have to repay me for my kindness.” With genuine kindness that’s true, you’re not doing it to get something in return. 

Here’s the catch; you need to consider how the other person is feeling about the relationship. Remember, there’s a societal expectation to return the favor. More importantly, if it’s true that “It’s better to give than receive,” then not allowing someone to reciprocate deprives them of an opportunity to do something that makes them feel good in much the same way that you felt when you first gave to them.

Receiving

I’ve noticed for whatever reason; some givers are not comfortable receiving. Something prevents them from receiving and graciously saying, “Thank you so much.” If you’re that person, pause to consider for a moment the people you interact with. You give to those people because it feels good and you see it creates happiness for them. 

Understanding this; doesn’t it make sense that their giving back to you would allow them to feel good and create a little happiness for you at the same time? Don’t deprive people of this opportunity because the good feelings we have about other people is part of building strong relationships.

The 4-Step Loop

With good reciprocal relationships there’s a willingness to give and receive from both parties that follows this pattern: 

  1.     A sincere willingness to give,
  2.     The willingness to receive on the part of the other person,
  3.     A desire to reciprocate, and
  4.     Your willingness to receive.

That’s the behavior loop that allows everyone to feel good as opposed to indebted. The next time you do something kind or generous for someone, and you sense they want to go beyond a mere thank you, allow them to do so. In some ways it will be another act of kindness on your part because you will allow them to get out from under the feeling of obligation, they’ll feel good about their giving, and they’ll get to see the joy on your face when you receive their kindness.

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

 

Someone Who Makes Me Think and Often Changes What I Think

/0 Comments/by

Last week I wrote about the absurdity that other people cannot persuade us to change our minds. Shortly after that post I listened to a podcast I follow with some regularity. It occurred to me that on nearly every episode I find myself contending with the podcast host and his viewpoints. That’s because he makes me think and often changes what I think regarding different issues.

The person I’m referring to is Adam Grant. He’s an organizational psychologist, Wharton professor, TED speaker who’s had millions of views, and a multiple time best-selling author. He says he studies “how to make work not suck.” That’s an admirable goal!

If you’re going to listen to someone, Grant has earned the right to be listened to. His podcast is Work Life Balance and I frequently find myself challenged as I listen to him and his guests.

The episode that sparked this post was Why it Pays to Raise Pay where he discussed the idea of paying people more…sometimes a lot more…for their work. The episode caught my attention because of all the talk about possibly raising the minimum wage.

In college I was a general business major, and part of that curriculum was several micro and macroeconomics classes. Because I’m somewhat of a nerd, at least according to my wife, you’ll find a copy of Thomas Sowell’s 600-page Basic Economics book on my bookshelf. I read it cover to cover many years ago because I was interested in brushing up on economics. 

Grant’s conversations and ideas challenge many common business assumptions regarding employee compensation. Here are a few that stood out for me:

  1.     Some jobs are only worth a certain amount of money, no matter how well someone performs.
  2.     If you let people choose their salary, they’ll overestimate their value, and you’ll end up overpaying them.
  3.     Raising salaries won’t work because you’ll be uncompetitive after raising the price of your goods or services to cover the wage increases. 

Based on nearly 40 years of business experience, my studies in economics, and the general assumptions I hold, I found myself resisting the ideas Grant was putting forth. I wondered why I was so resistant then asked myself a few questions to challenge my beliefs.

What if my assumptions are wrong? 

That could certainly be the case. Behavioral economics has proven many tightly held economic assumptions are not always true because humans are not the rational, gain maximizing, and loss minimizing beings economists once thought.

Many people assumed work from home would never become a viable option because employees would slack off when unsupervised. That’s not proven to be the case during the pandemic. In fact, many employers are finding people working longer and harder. As a result, many businesses will not go back to the traditional 5-days a week in the office model we were used to. 

My assumptions are quite often just that, assumptions. They might have benefitted me to this point but maybe they need to be rethought. After all, Isaac Newton’s law of gravity benefited society but then Einstein’s theory of relativity came along and furthered our understanding of how the universe works. 

Why am I resisting the data?

Grant wasn’t just spewing a utopian picture of what could be. He interviewed people at businesses that are going against the grain of the way things have always been done. Although I found myself doubting many of the ideas shared, Grant always brought in results from research or real-world business impact. 

What I teach regarding influence sometimes rubs people’s thinking the wrong way, much like my thinking was as I listened to the podcast. I often hear doubting Thomas types say, “That stuff doesn’t work on me.” The research tells a different story and so does my personal experience but with Grant I was the doubting Thomas.

If I’m open to the research findings around influence I should be more open to the research in other domains. 

Conclusion

This post is not intended to sway your thinking on the minimum wage or employee benefits. It’s to encourage you to occasionally examine your tightly held beliefs. 

Many things we take for granted today at work would have seemed preposterous to employers decades ago. Perhaps some changes being proposed now won’t work as well as intended but they may be steps that lead us to improved working conditions where people are better compensated, more engaged and more productive.  That would be a win for employees and employers. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

 

 

Has Anyone Ever Changed Your Mind?

/2 Comments/by

“I can’t think of a single case where anyone ever persuaded me to change my mind about anything.” I heard this recently on a very popular podcast. The show’s host, a very smart man with a background in economics, uttered that sentence, much to my bewilderment. 

His statement reminded me of an incident many years ago when someone told me he never tried to persuade anyone of anything. I’ll be frank, that was one of the dumbest statements I’ve encountered in a long time.

Let me be very clear; you try to persuade people every day and you are persuaded every day! No ifs, ands, or buts. 

Changing Minds isn’t Always Necessary

When I ask people for their definition of persuasion what I hear most often is to change another person’s thinking or to change their mind. 

I usually respond with, “Changing someone’s thinking may be a good first step but it may not be enough and it may not even be necessary.” For example, if you tell your child to clean their room, do you want them to look at you and say that’s a good idea? Do you care if they “believe” having a clean room is a good thing? Probably not. You only want them to clean their room, no matter what they think about it.

Another example comes from insurance, the industry where I used to work. If I told you about the dangers of distracted driving, I’m certain it would change your thinking about the issue. You would encounter information you didn’t know previously, you’d process that information, and it would change how you think about distracted driving. However, if you get in your car and continue to interact with your phone then I’ve not done anything to solve that problem. A change of thinking without the behavior isn’t much good in that case.

Then What is Persuasion About?

Changing someone’s conscious mind, or core beliefs, isn’t always necessary to influence them. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, then you’ve likely seen on a number of occasions my favorite definition for persuasion. It comes from Aristotle, the famous Greek philosopher who lived more than 2300 years ago. He told the world persuasion was, “The art of getting someone to do something that they wouldn’t ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.”

Think about that definition for a moment. It’s about getting someone to change their behavior in a way they probably would not in the absence of your communication. Let’s face it, the people you interact with have their own priorities, goals, agendas, and other things they’re focused on. And yet, quite often you need those people to do things for you. How you communicate can make all the difference between hearing yes, getting them to take action, or hearing no.

Can Persuasion Lead to Lasting Change?

When I want someone to bring me in to speak, return a phone call, buy a book, or any number of other persuasive interactions, I’m not necessarily concerned with changing their core beliefs. 

Sometimes persuasive attempts lead to lasting changes like that. For example, I was a competitive bodybuilder for several years after college. I loved the gym and hated running. But when my friend Jud persuaded several of us that we should run the Columbus Marathon I gave running a try. I fell in love with it! Now, given the choice between lifting weights and running, I choose running every time. Did Jud change my core beliefs by convincing me that running was better for me than lifting weights? No, but he persuaded me to try an activity that did ultimately change me to the core. Why do I write that? Because I see myself differently than I used to. 

Conclusion

Persuasion isn’t always about changing core beliefs. Most change in life is somewhat incremental. You do something new at the urging of another person then you start to view that new activity differently. And quite often, many other people and situations intervene along the way to further the change.

Maybe you cannot think of a time where someone said or did something that fundamentally changed you. However, you’d be foolish to think you’re unpersuadable. We’re all trying to persuade and being persuaded daily. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

 Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

Grateful to be Back

/0 Comments/by

Last week was my first time on stage to give an in-person keynote in 15 months! To say that I was grateful to be back would be an understatement!! Despite how awful air travel can be sometimes, there was a weird sense of comfort navigating different airports. Sleeping at hotels is never as nice as at home but it felt wonderful to walk into a Ritz Carlton and enjoy all that goes with it. Putting on a suit and tie used to be a hassle but this time it felt great. 

We’re all experiencing moments like I just described as we emerge from the pandemic. It’s a good bet most of us are vowing to never take any of it for granted again…but we will. 

States of Being are Relative

Here’s the thing about gratitude, happiness, love, and most other states of being; they’re relative experiences.  

Next time I step on stage I’ll be grateful but probably not to the same degree as last week. The more I travel the more I will get bothered by airports and planes again. The next hotel may not be as ritzy as the Ritz. Wearing a suit after a while will become old hat.  

You experience this too. You probably don’t get the same excitement over things that you did initially like a first kiss, first taste of your favorite food or drink, new job, or any number of other firsts. 

It’s How We’re Wired

What I just described isn’t good or bad, it’s just the way we’re wired. We make comparisons in relative, not absolute measures. We see this all the time when we shop. For me the classic example comes from a survey I did with blog readers many years ago. Here’s the excerpt I wrote about in my book Influence PEOPLE:

Question 5 on Survey A focused on saving money: You are at a store considering buying a high-end electronic item for $879. While there you learn you can drive across town and get the same item for $859. Will you make the trip (approx. 30 minutes)? An overwhelming majority said they would not make the drive to save the money. In fact, only 13% said they would go to the other store.

On Survey B question 5 also focused on saving money: You are at a store considering buying an electronic item for $79. While there you learn you can drive across town and get the same item for $59. Will you make the trip (approx. 30 minutes)? This was almost an even split, with 49% saying they would make the drive.

Here’s the point: Look at both questions again and you see the savings is exactly the same, $20. Yet, half will make the drive to save $20 on a $79 purchase, but nearly nine in 10 would not when considering the same savings, but on a big-ticket item. Saving $20, whether on an expensive item or lower priced item, is still a $20 savings! Most people reading this would probably drive across town if they heard someone was giving away $20 bills for free (limit one per person), which is really the same as saving $20 on a purchase, no matter how large or small. But, as you can see, much of the response is dictated by what the $20 was compared to. 

Let’s face it, saving $20 on a big purchase doesn’t feel as good as saving it on a smaller purchase or getting a $20 bill for free. Shopping is one of many experiences we have daily that fall prey to this human condition. It’s an emotional reaction just as are gratitude, love, happiness and most other states of being. 

What’s the Cure?

Fighting this phenomenon is like fighting aging. There’s no cure to stop the aging process, but we can mitigate it some by instilling good habits around living a healthy lifestyle; emotionally, mentally, and physically.

We can’t change the reality that we won’t always be as grateful, loving, or happy because it’s how our brains naturally work. However, you can create habits that will slow the slide. Here are a few things I try to do with regularity.

Music. I have a playlist on my iPhone for Jane and one for Abigail. Each contains songs that remind me of them and elicit good feelings. Listening to those songs puts me in a better mood when I’m getting ready to spend time with them.

Mission Statement. I wrote a personal mission statement nearly 30 years ago. I listen to it each morning as I get my coffee. There are many parts, including a section on family, that serve as reminders to appreciate what I have in life.

Morning Walk. Each morning I walk a few miles shortly after I wake up, before I start my morning workout. The walk is a time to think, pray and give thanks.

These may not be for you but hopefully they stimulate some ideas on what you might do to proactively change your state. Whatever you choose to do, ingrain habits and view them as small investments that will pay big dividends. You’ll be grateful you did.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®, is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was a new release bestseller in several Amazon categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on the application of persuasion in sales and coaching have been viewed by more than 350,000 people around the world.

 

Einstein was Right!

/0 Comments/by

Albert Einstein is known for his contributions to science, most notably the Theory of Relativity and E=MC2, but he also taught us well when it came to communication. His sage advice was this; “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.” And no, he wasn’t talking about memes.

Simplifying complex ideas takes effort on the part of the person who is communicating. Mark Twain said as much when he wrote, “I didn’t have time to write a short letter so I wrote a long one instead.” Knowing something well enough to break it down to its essence and then communicate it so more people understand it is hard work for the communicator and immensely helpful for the learner. 

Simplify for Understanding

An example of simplifying for understanding would be explaining what it means that a star is 100 light years away. It’s factually correct to say it is approximately 600 trillion miles from the earth but that’s awfully hard to comprehend. What frame of reference does the average person have for a trillion, let alone 600 trillion, miles? 

Simplifying 100 light years would be telling someone; if you could travel at the speed of light, it would take you 100 years to reach that distant star. While someone may not fully grasp the distance or the speed of light, it’s much easier to imagine with this simplified explanation.  

Steve Jobs had a brilliant explanation for the first home computers. He called them bicycles for the mind. Anyone who’s ridden a bike knows they can get where they want to go faster and with less effort than running. Computers help us do more and do it all faster.

But Don’t Oversimplify

The “10,000 Hour Rule” gained popularity when Malcom Gladwell mentioned it in his book Outliers. He pointed out how Anders Erickson studied world class performers and found that generally great performers put in around 10,000 hours of practice to attain elite status. 

What was missing from Gladwell’s explanation was the concept of deep practice. It would be a misnomer to think simply doing something for a long time makes you an expert. The average American works approximately 100,000 hours by the time they retire but that doesn’t make the average American an expert in their chosen field. 

Learn to Spot Misinformation

An oversimplification that’s led to the spread of misinformation is Dr. Albert Merhabian’s work around communication. You may have heard in face-to-face communication 55% of the message received is through body language, 38% is based on tone of voice and only 7% is the actual words used. That’s incorrect. 

Merhabian’s work centered around miscommunication. When the person receiving the message perceives the messenger and message are not in alignment (i.e., the messenger doesn’t seem to believe what they’re saying or perhaps they are lying) then people default more to body language and tone of voice to assess truthfulness. 

And Now for the Rest of the Story

Famed radio personality Paul Harvey was famous for his storytelling. He would tease out some tale, get you to the edge of your seat…then go to a commercial break. Upon returning he would say, “And now for the rest of the story,” and give listeners what they needed to know.

There’s always more to the story than the complex idea made simple. Much of the time we don’t need to know more than the simple idea. I won’t be traveling 100,000 light years away and I don’t need to know the inner workings of my computer. 

However, we can avoid disappointment by knowing more about what something means (10,000 hours AND deep practice) and we’d do well to steer clear of misinformation that might harm our efforts. 

Remember, “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®, is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was a new release bestseller in several Amazon categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on the application of persuasion in sales and coaching have been viewed by more than 350,000 people around the world.

 

 

How Bernie Madoff with Our Money

/0 Comments/by

Last week the infamous Bernie Madoff passed away in prison. He’d served a little over a decade of his 150 year sentence for perpetrating the biggest Ponzi scheme in American history. I wrote about this in my book Influence PEOPLE. I thought it would be appropriate to share that chapter from the book because, although Madoff will eventually fad from our memories, his tactics to manipulate people will go on. Smart, successful people were fooled so none of us is immune. The more we understand, the more we can be on the alert and potentially save ourselves and loved ones from a lot of heartache,

How Bernie Madoff with Our Money

We all know the name Bernie Madoff, perpetrator of the biggest Ponzi scheme ever in American business. It’s estimated $65 billion was invested with Madoff’s firm and the vast majority is still missing. Ponzi schemes are when the perpetrator uses new money from new investors to mollify old investors – as well as an array of accounting frauds.

I was invited to Cleveland to speak to the local chapter of the Chartered Property Casualty Underwriters (CPCU). I was asked to talk about ethics so I devised a unique approach: taking a look at how the principles of influence were unethically used by Bernie Madoff to bilk people out of their money. The title was a play on words: How Bernie Madoff with our Money. When I talk about the principles of influence I usually emphasize ethical influence and persuasion; so talking about the unethical use was quite a twist.

The principles of influence tap powerfully into human behavior – what causes someone to say Yes to a request? Social scientists and behavioral economists have studied human compliance and decision making for more than seven decades, so there is plenty of data to back up the effectiveness of principles of influence. Con men may not know the detailed science, but through trial and error they quickly figure out how to use this psychology to their advantage. It is crucial people understand the principles not only to become more adept at ethically influencing others, but also to avoid being manipulated by con men such as Bernie Madoff.

Let’s go through how Madoff used each principle to continually bring in new investors – for decades! After all, Ponzi schemes depend on a continued inflow of investors and money or else they quickly collapse, so landing new clients was of the utmost importance for Madoff.

Reciprocity – We feel obligated to give back to those who first give to us. When someone does us a favor we want to return the favor in some way and silly as it may sound, Bernie made it seem like he was doing his clients a favor by letting them invest with him. After all, his clientele were the rich and famous, he’d been a glowing success for decades and was well respected. For most it was a privilege to let him handle their money. The favor was returned as people told other wealthy investors about Madoff so new clients continually came by way of referral.

Liking – People like to do business with people they like, especially those who are similar to them. Madoff tapped into this principle based on similarities with many of his clients. For starters, he recruited from his country club. That’s not out of the ordinary at all because men gauge one another’s character a lot based on what they have in common, like a love of golf. 

Unity – Unity says it’s easier for us to say Yes to people who are of us; those with whom we have a shared identity. In addition to liking, Madoff tapped into unity through his Jewish heritage. Many of his victims were Jewish and trusted him more based on this shared identity.

Consensus – We feel more comfortable doing what everyone else is doing or doing whatever people just like us are doing. If you’re rich then it’s very likely you hang out with people who are also rich. Inevitably conversation turns to business so undoubtedly Madoff’s name was passed around like the offering plate at church. If you know many of your most successful friends invest with someone, that’s going to give you comfort to consider the same investment advisor.

Authority – People tend to trust those who are viewed as experts and Bernie had this one down! He’d been investing successfully (theoretically!) since the early 1960s. Even more impressive: Bernie helped start the NASDAQ. His trustworthiness seemed impeccable because he also served as board chair for the National Association of Security Dealers. Why wouldn’t you automatically trust him with those credentials on his side?

Consistency – We like to be consistent in what we say and do. When you do something you typically do it because you believe it’s the right thing to do. If someone asks who you invest with you’ll probably talk glowingly about your advisor. Being the con man he was, I’m sure Madoff occasionally asked his biggest clients for referrals and recommendations, which they were probably all too willing to give. After all, it would be inconsistent not to.

Scarcity – People want more of what they cannot have or something that’s hard to come by. Not just anyone could pick up the phone and call Madoff. The supposed size (billions and billions) made it appear to be a very exclusive club. However, the more exclusive its appearance, the more people wanted in. How would you feel if you knew a business only took on a limited number of new clients each year, and you were one of the few they were considering? People jumped at the chance!

That’s a quick overview of the psychology Bernie used to gain investors and facilitate massive theft. Hindsight is 20/20 so maybe we think we’d never be fooled in such a way. However, the kinds of people who invested with him – the rich and famous – were smart, successful and well educated. The reality is we’re all susceptible because we’re human, and the same unethical tricks he played may have worked with us. 

How can you DEFEND yourself against unethical influence tricks? Here’s my advice: continue to learn about influence, keep your eyes and ears open, and most of all, learn to trust your gut because when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

 

Free Livestream Presentation 
⭐️ ⭐️  How to Become Listening STARS  ⭐️ ⭐️

Friday, May 7, from 12pm to 1pm Eastern, I will give a livestream “TIGER Talk” on listening skills for Innovate New Albany, an incubator for tech startups, entrepreneurs, and small businesses. Click here to register for this one time event.

 

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®, is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling, was a new release bestseller in several Amazon categories.

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on the application of persuasion in sales and coaching have been viewed by more than 350,000 people around the world.