Quarterly Newsletter

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In my last quarterly newsletter I wrote, “If all goes well we might feel like life is closing in on ‘normal’ by summer.” Thankfully that seems to be the case in nearly all parts of the country.

I hope the second quarter was good for you on a professional and personal level. That was certainly the case for me. I was pleasantly surprised at the opportunities that started popping. I’ve used the video studio I set up in my home extensively with current and prospective clients. 

What’s caught my notice more than anything are the in-person speaking and training opportunities that have opened up for Q3 and Q4. No one is talking about contingency plans which leads me to believe businesses have faith that the vaccine is working, and the pandemic is largely in the rearview mirror. I hope things are looking up for you with each passing day.

Sincerely,

Brian

What’s Influence PEOPLE all about?

  •       Why – Help you enjoy more professional success and personal happiness.
  •       How – Teach you the science of ethical influence.
  •       What – Speak, write, train, coach, and consult.
  •       Who – Clients include leaders, salespeople, business coaches, insurance professionals, and attorneys.

Here’s What’s New

Blog Posts

Last quarter was a blogging milestone. My first post came out 12 years ago and every week since that time I’ve posted an article. That’s more than 600 posts! It’s not always easy to come up with something to share and some weeks I feel dry. However, it’s often the case when I come up with ideas just before my deadline that the articles resonate the most. I started the blog simply to share something I thought could help people on a professional and personal level. I hope you’ve gotten a few ideas that help you at the office and home.

Podcasts

Podcasts continue to be a cornerstone of my outreach to new markets. There are 108 listed on my website, several upcoming recordings on the calendar, and more than half a dozen ready for publication. Beyond the business aspect, I’ve met some truly good people, folks I hope to see in person as the country opens up and I hit the road. A few shows I encourage you to check out include: 

Writing

I’m happy to say both Influence People: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical and Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents continue to do well and get excellent reviews. Persuasive Selling also serves as the basis for my one-day workshop for insurance companies and insurance agents. Reach out to me if you’d like to learn more about that.

I’ve finished writing my third book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, and it’s in the hands of a few dozen reviewers. One early reviewer wrote, “This is a book for anyone in a position of influence! You will be a better teacher, coach, manager, leader, salesperson, or elected official when you learn how to use the scientifically proven methods of persuasion Brian shares throughout the book.”

The book follows a young man, John Andrews, as he learns about the impact influence can have on his professional success and personal happiness. I chose a story format to engage a new audience, people who might not pick up a psychology or sales book. Writing The Influencer has been the most fun I’ve ever had writing! Keep an eye out for it later this year.

Best of…

Warren Buffett said, “The best investment you can make, is an investment in yourself. The more you learn, the more you’ll earn.” Being one of the richest people who ever lived, let’s heed Buffett’s words! Below are books, podcasts, and shows that will help grow your greatest investment.

Books

Maverick: A Biography of Thomas Sowell by Jason L. Riley. Sowell is one of the great economic thinkers of the last 60 years and one of the most prolific writers having authored more than 30 books. Sowell grew up in Harlem in the 1930s and 40s, served in the military, then became an avowed Marxist. It wasn’t until he saw government inefficiency in action that he began to rethink many of his positions on governments and the economy. Whether or not you agree with his positions you cannot dispute his brilliance. 

Basic Economics: A Common Sense Guide to the Economy by Thomas Sowell. I read this book nearly a decade ago but was inspired to pick it up again after reading Maverick. Without getting overly technical, resorting to endless charts, or boring the reader with stats, Sowell lays out what the study of economics is and is not, and how it explains daily life. Reading this book will give you an appreciation for why so many government solutions fail to solve some of our biggest problems (Hint: there’s a difference between political and economic solutions). The more I read the more convinced I became that more much of our freedom is due to our ability to prosper in a free market society.

Podcasts

Armchair Expert is co-hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman. I was turned on to this show by my wife Jane. Dax and Monica have interesting guests including Barack Obama, Quentin Tarantino, Amy Poehler and many others. What I enjoy about the show is how down to earth, fun and funny the conversations are.

WorkLife is the brainchild of Adam Grant. Grant is a social psychology professor at Wharton and has authored numerous books. His goal is admirable – to make work not suck. I guarantee he will challenge your thinking so get ready to say, “I don’t agree,” or “Hmmm,” or “I never looked at it that way before.”

Watch

Thomas Sowell: Common Sense in a Senseless World is an hour-long exploration of the life and work of one of America’s great economists. No need to go into detail here since I mentioned Sowell in the books section. This might be a good way to dip your toe in the water before picking up Maverick or Basic Economics.

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

Was it Good Fortune, an Opportunity Seized, or Both?

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If you’ve followed my blog for very long or have read Influence PEOPLE or Persuasive Selling then no doubt you’ve seen my use of this quote, “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” For most of my life I attributed the saying to my high school football coach Todd Alles. A few years ago, a friend told me it was Seneca, the Roman philosopher, who first came up with the saying. I’m thankful that Coach was well read! 

Last week I listened to a podcast episode from The Jordan Harbinger Show where Jordan interviewed Robert Frank about The Myth of Meritocracy. The gist of the show was simply this – much more of anyone’s success has to do with luck than they’re willing to admit.

This notion offends some people. I think that’s especially true in America because of our “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. Frank wasn’t saying success is just luck, but it plays a bigger role than we realize. Many people who never make it big work extremely hard, perhaps harder than some who do make it. The problem is, we don’t know those stories. Books aren’t written and movies are not made about the people who toiled throughout life and didn’t achieve notoriety. That would be too common of a story.  

Whatever you want to call it – good fortune, dumb luck, pure chance or golden opportunities – much of my success has been outside my sphere of control. Here are three that stand out for me because they were life changing. 

My First Job

As I was about to graduate college, I’d accepted a job in Akron, Ohio with a department store. The final week of school I got a letter from The Travelers Insurance Company. I knew nothing about the company or insurance but decided to go to the interview because the job was in Columbus, my hometown. If I got the job I reasoned I’d stay close to the girl I was dating, friends, and family. My first day on the job I met Jane. Within weeks I was no longer dating the other girl and Jane and I have now been married for more than 33 years. Oh yea, and insurance, the industry I knew nothing about, led to a great career!

Our Home

Jane and I have lived in the same home for more than 30 years. Believe it or not, it was the first home we ever looked at. The confluence of events leading to that decision was when a coworker who lived in the neighborhood mentioned to Jane that the home was for sale. The house was unique for the area, a Parade of Homes home in 1968. We didn’t have a realtor and Jim, the man showing the house, just happened to live in the same home – the only other one in the neighborhood – which led to instant trust. 

Meeting Robert Cialdini

My association with Robert Cialdini was completely by chance. After watching a video that a coworker shared, I was drawn to his work because of its application to sales, the research basis and his emphasis on ethics. When Stanford University advertised the video using the word “manipulation” I called them on it. In addition to his clear emphasis on ethical influence, my email to Stanford reminded them that nobody wants to be manipulated and no one (at least that I know) is looking to become a good manipulator. My emphasis was using the word manipulation cannot be helping sales of the video but it was probably hurting sales.

As a result of that email, Stanford changed the marketing of Cialdini’s video. And, to my good fortune, they told him about my email. He had one of his representatives call me to thank me on his behalf. That phone call led to him speaking at my former company and what turned into a nearly 20-year relationship.

Preparation + Opportunity

I do believe we have a hand in creating some of our luck. In each case I’ve noted there were decisions along that way that, if I’d decided differently, I would not have been in the position to positively interact with the opportunities that were presented.

I had to do well enough in school to be considered by The Travelers and I made the decision to take the job even though it paid less than the department store job.

With the house Jane and I had been working good paying jobs for a few years and saved some money. 

With Cialdini I had to trust my moral compass and make the decision to address the situation with Stanford. 

Don’t Forget Gratitude

At the end of the podcast Jordan and Robert Frank discuss the concept of gratitude. If you’re reading this, you should be grateful that you’re alive at this point in time. There’s never been a safer, more prosperous time on this planet than the age we’re living in. If you ponder other aspects of your life and consider some of the things that were outside your control that have helped you, express gratitude. I hope you take some time to check out the podcast episode because I think you’ll get a lot out of the discussion. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only a dozen people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

7 Power Phrases for Influence

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What you say and how you say it can make all the difference between hearing yes or no, building or destroying relationships, gaining buy-in or making people feel forced to do something. This week I want to share 7 power phrases that, when used at the right time, can help you be more influential. 

Yes, and…

Kelly Leonard, a 25+ year veteran of the world famous Second City improv group, wrote a book called Yes, and… Improv comedy is built around the idea of “yes, and..” which means accepting whatever comes your way then adding to it. 

According to Kelly, all too often we’re quick to dismiss ideas out of hand in business. That’s unfortunate because those same ideas, if accepted and built on, could lead to innovative solutions. It’s about having an open mind and seeing possibilities instead of problems and roadblocks. 

No, but…

Jim Carrey played Carl Allen in the movie Yes Man, where he had to say yes to everything that came his way. It was a feel good, funny movie, but we know it’s not reality to say yes to everyone who makes a request of us. However, when you have to tell someone no then follow with “but”, you can segue into potentially acceptable solutions. That’s because this phrase takes the focus off of the unacceptable option and focuses more on actual possibilities. Remember, people usually forget what comes before but so strategically using this approach can be a pathway to an acceptable solution. 

Thanks, because…

I heard Kelly Leonard talk about “thanks, because…” recently on the Behavioral Grooves podcast. If someone shares something you disagree with or cannot do, look for the good in what was presented. Whatever positives you find, thank the person for sharing their point of view, say “because” then tell them what you learned or why you appreciate what they shared.

This approach is a strong relationship builder because you’ve not dismissed the person and acknowledged common ground.

Sure, as soon as…

Many years ago I read about this phrase in the Toastmasters magazine. Here’s a very typical scenario between a child and parent. 

Child, “Can I go to the movies?”

Parent, “No, you haven’t finished your homework.”

This approach comes across negatively. How about using this positive response instead, “Sure, as soon as you finish your homework.” In this scenario you’re giving permission but with a condition that needs to be met first. Use this approach and you’ll be able to tell your kids, “I always say yes to you.” 

How am I supposed to do that?

Chris Voss is the author of Never Split the Difference and one of the leading negotiation experts in the world. He used to negotiate hostage situations for the FBI and always got the hostages back safely. As you might imagine, hostage takers often make extreme demands and sometimes business negotiators make outrageous demands too. Voss suggests tossing the ball back in their court by asking how you’re supposed to meet that extreme demand. This approach often gets the other person to moderate their position and/or begin to collaborate on how you can work together to find an acceptable solution. 

I’m going to ask you something and if you’re not comfortable answering I’ll understand.

I’ve used this approach for years when it comes to difficult conversations around sensitive topics. My first recollection was with a former coworker. She was a black female who was a manager in a different division of the company, so we were only slightly acquainted. We bumped into each other at the airport and decided to sit next to each other on the flight once we realized we were heading to the same place. Shortly after takeoff I said, “I’m going to ask you a question and, if you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to answer. What’s it like to be a black woman working for our company?” She didn’t stop talking the whole flight and I gained a new perspective on race and gender. 

An opening like this gives people the freedom as to whether or not to answer. Never underestimate how much people want to retain their personal freedom! Using this approach, I’ve never had someone say, “Thanks, but I’d prefer not to talk.”

If you can’t do it, I’ll understand.

I read about this approach in Bob Burg’s book The Art of Persuasion then heard him mention it on the Negotiate Anything podcast. Bob’s phrase is similar to the opening I just described in the last section. 

Sometimes you interact with people who have the power to do, or not do, what you want. Acknowledging that and giving them the freedom to choose will work in favor of you far more than it will fail.

Conclusion

I hope you give some of the aforementioned approaches a try because I think you’ll find them highly effective, just as I have. Use them correctly and ethically to up your influence game. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence. 

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

Are You Comfortable In Your Own Skin?

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Last week I had lunch with a close friend who made an observation that made me think deeply. It’s not a stretch to say Dennis knows me better than anyone in the world other than Jane. That’s because he helped me through some rough times. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly.

We’d not seen each other for quite some time because of the pandemic so, as you might imagine, it was good to shake hands, share a hug, and enjoy a meal together. As we talked about what transpired professionally and personally, he said, “You seem very comfortable in your own skin.” I don’t know about you but that wasn’t always the case with me. I hope that sharing this helps some readers get more comfortable.

Enjoyment, Not Perfectionism

When I was in middle school I came home with a pretty good report card; 6 As and one C. My dad’s response was, “What happened in English?” While I understand that what’s different usually catches our attention, and that he didn’t mean anything negative by the comment, it set in motion perfectionism in me. What made it tougher was that the comment came from a Marine who had very high standards. 

If you’re a perfectionist you never fully enjoy anything because of the focus on what went wrong. It leads to a gnawing sense that no matter how good whatever you did was, it could have been better. Imagine a golfer who shoots a 64, but only talks about the missed birdie opportunity on one hole. The focus is, “But I could have shot a 63 if I hadn’t missed that darn putt!” when it could have been, “I played the best round of my life!” Which mindset do you think leads to joy?

Content, Not Complacent

I told Dennis, when I’m finished with a presentation or training event at this point in my career it’s rare if I don’t feel like it was the best I’ve ever given. Now I allow myself to enjoy the moment and I don’t downplay any compliments I might get. Instead, I embrace them, thank people, and let them know it means a lot because I work hard on my craft. I’m content but it doesn’t end there.

Usually after a brief period I get back to work. I ask myself what I could do better next time. But the focus of that question isn’t obsessive. Now I get joy as I continue working hard at something I love and that I believe helps others. The difference is comparable to the person who compulsively works out and diets to look a certain way versus the person who eats well and exercises because they enjoy both and the healthy feeling that results. Who do you think enjoys life more?

Trust, Not Control 

I’ve also learned the difference between trust and control. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time then you’ve probably seen this quote before, “Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.” When you put in the work good things happen and quite often those good things aren’t even opportunities you were pursuing. Two instances come to mind.

My target market is insurance. I spent more than 30 years working for different insurance companies. I understand all facets of the industry from the company and agency sides. I spend my time going after that market and yet some of my biggest clients are not insurance related and they found me. When those opportunities present themselves, I’m either ready to help or trust enough to say, “I don’t think I’m the right person for what you need but I know people who can help.” 

The second instance had to do with a Ted Talk I was supposed to give last year. Five days out it was canceled because of Covid. I was disappointed but quickly reoriented my thoughts knowing all my practice and preparation would pay dividends in time. I’m starting to see that as that talk has become the basis for keynotes and breakout sessions for clients.

Conclusion

I’m thankful for Dennis’s observation because I’d not thought deeply about this. Nearly 30 years ago I wrote a personal mission statement, and in one section I wrote, “I want to like who God created me to be.” Am I perfect? Hardly, and I no longer care. There’s no one I’d rather be than me because I know I’m loved and accepted just as I am by the people who matter most in my life. I hope that’s the case for you too. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 380,000 people around the world.

Is Engaging Reciprocity a Hustle?

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships. The gist of the post was that some people don’t allow others to do for them in return. I pointed out why it might seem gracious for the giver to say, “You don’t need to do anything in return, your thanks is enough,” but in reality, this approach causes an imbalance in the relationship. Like it or not, right or wrong, people don’t like feeling under obligation. Even when you don’t expect anything in return, most people want to, or feel the need to, reciprocate. Reject their offers to reciprocate one too many times and people will start rejecting your sincere offers.

Another aspect of reciprocity came to my attention over the weekend when a friend forwarded a recent Seth Godin blog post called, The Reciprocity Hustle. The gist of Godin’s post was, don’t be insincere in your attempts to help or give because people see through that self-serving approach.

No disagreement with Godin on that point. I routinely get emails offering compliments, “Hey, I love your website…” or “Your last article was great…” Giving compliments is a way to engage liking and, because it’s also a form of giving, it engages reciprocity. Those emails filter through my brain this way, “I just gave you a compliment, so I hope you’ll do something for me in return.” Excuse me for a moment while I stick my finger down my throat and gag. I hate such blatantly manipulative approaches.

Those are the insincere attempts Godin was referring to. Reciprocity should not be viewed as “give to get.” I like to put it as follows; Don’t give to get but if you don’t give, you’ll never get. It’s about the right motive, a sincere desire to help. Anything else should be reframed as a tactic the other person is using just to get what they want. 

Godin ended his post with, “Simply show up with good intent to do work that you’re proud of. If we do this with consistency and care, sooner or later, it comes back around. Not because we hustled, but precisely because we didn’t.”

I agree with Godin about doing good work and trusting it will come back around…but don’t leave it there, simply hoping it will come back to you in time. I encourage you; if you’ve genuinely helped people, you should never be hesitant or feel awkward about asking for help when you need it. 

Most of the people you’ve helped along the journey of life and business will want to help you if given the opportunity. The problem is, they don’t wake up every day thinking about you and how they can help you. They have their own troubles to deal with, goals they’re striving for, and other issues that occupy their limited attention. That’s not to say they are ungrateful, they’re just busy. A tap on the proverbial shoulder might be all they need to learn what you need and say yes. 

Give without expectation because it’s the right way, the best way to do life. Imagine how much better life would be if everyone took that approach! And, when you need something from people you’ve genuinely helped along the way, feel free to reach out and ask for what you need. Most will be more willing to help than you might imagine and they’ll feel good about helping you as I outlined in The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships.

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by over 375,000 people around the world.

What Charges and Drains Your Emotional Battery?

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What activities give you emotional energy, charging your battery and make you feel like you could go all day long? On the flip side, what drains your battery, zapping your emotional energy and leave you feeling exhausted? My wife and I made a discovery around energy not long ago that’s been helpful for our relationship. I thought sharing the insight might help your relationships too. 

Here’s the backstory: Jane is extremely social, a total extrovert. I’m not so perhaps opposites do attract. I love her outgoing nature and enjoy introducing her to people. I often tell people who’ve not met her, “I know you like me, but you’ll love my wife.” And they do! She’s fun to be around, has a great sense of humor, is easy to talk to, and I marvel at how easily she relates to just about anyone. Emotionally she’ll go wherever you go. She will laugh and have fun with you but she’s also willing to feel your pain and cry with you if need be. Our daughter Abigail takes after Jane in this regard. They get energy from being with people and could float around a room talking to everyone without regard to time.

I’m the opposite. When I go to a social event, I prefer meeting just a few people and going deep in conversation. Trying to talk with lots of people takes conscious effort on my part and leaves me feeling exhausted. This surprises people because of how much I network and my public persona. I am relational but in a different way from my wife and daughter.

When it comes to standing in front of a group and presenting, I LOVE that! I get excited by the anticipation and enjoy preparing for events. Jane and Abigail dread being in the spotlight. For them anticipating being in the spotlight is nerve wracking, which makes it emotionally draining, but I draw energy from it.

Think about how the same activities have opposite effects on us. How did this insight help my marriage? Jane used to get upset with me at times because she thought I was being a stick in the mud. I on the other hand, would get upset with her because she wouldn’t stop talking to people. It was especially bothersome when I was ready to leave. I thought standing by the door with our coats in hand was a good signal. She and Abigail joke about me and tell people, “We always know when he’s ready to go because he just stops talking.” True!

After Jane and I came to the realization that socializing has the opposite impact on us we got along better and had more grace for each other during those times that used to frustrate us. I know her floating and talking makes her happy because it’s effortless. She knows my lack of engagement at times isn’t boredom, it’s just fatigue from consciously trying so hard. 

I encourage you to have a conversation about energy with people who are close with you. You’ll probably learn a few things, better understand that person and have more patience in situations that used to frustrate you.  

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

The 4-Step Reciprocity Loop for Better Relationships

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Recently I overheard a conversation where an individual mentioned the kindness of a friend. She said whenever she goes to her friend’s business that friend never charges her for whatever services she provides. While the woman said she appreciates the friend’s generosity, she has a strong desire to do something in return for her friend in recognition of the kindness. The problem is that her friend usually refuses any return gesture. This refusal to receive creates an awkward imbalance in the relationship.

Reciprocity

Social scientists agree that all human societies raise their people according to the rule of reciprocity. Reciprocity describes that natural feeling of obligation you have to give back to those who have first given to you. 

In most societies the conditioning for reciprocation starts in early childhood. It’s a good bet when you were young, and someone did something nice for you, your mother or father looked at you and said, “What do you say?” At that point you turned to the other person and responded with, “Thank you.” 

Although not formally told, “You have to do something in return for people after they do something for you,” you quickly picked up the subtlety of what your parents were teaching you. When someone does something for you there’s an expectation that you’ll recognize their kindness by doing something kind in return. It might be as simple as saying, “Thank you,” or it could be more significant depending on the generosity of their act.

Giving

Sometimes giving occurs outside of any relationship. For example, someone might give you a free sample at a grocery store. At a minimum you thank the person. Sometimes that little free sample causes you to buy when you might not have otherwise.

Quite often giving occurs within a defined relationship.  When that’s the case, and the recipient isn’t afforded an opportunity to reciprocate, it creates an imbalance. If you’re like many people you may think, “Someone doesn’t have to repay me for my kindness.” With genuine kindness that’s true, you’re not doing it to get something in return. 

Here’s the catch; you need to consider how the other person is feeling about the relationship. Remember, there’s a societal expectation to return the favor. More importantly, if it’s true that “It’s better to give than receive,” then not allowing someone to reciprocate deprives them of an opportunity to do something that makes them feel good in much the same way that you felt when you first gave to them.

Receiving

I’ve noticed for whatever reason; some givers are not comfortable receiving. Something prevents them from receiving and graciously saying, “Thank you so much.” If you’re that person, pause to consider for a moment the people you interact with. You give to those people because it feels good and you see it creates happiness for them. 

Understanding this; doesn’t it make sense that their giving back to you would allow them to feel good and create a little happiness for you at the same time? Don’t deprive people of this opportunity because the good feelings we have about other people is part of building strong relationships.

The 4-Step Loop

With good reciprocal relationships there’s a willingness to give and receive from both parties that follows this pattern: 

  1.     A sincere willingness to give,
  2.     The willingness to receive on the part of the other person,
  3.     A desire to reciprocate, and
  4.     Your willingness to receive.

That’s the behavior loop that allows everyone to feel good as opposed to indebted. The next time you do something kind or generous for someone, and you sense they want to go beyond a mere thank you, allow them to do so. In some ways it will be another act of kindness on your part because you will allow them to get out from under the feeling of obligation, they’ll feel good about their giving, and they’ll get to see the joy on your face when you receive their kindness.

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

 

Someone Who Makes Me Think and Often Changes What I Think

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Last week I wrote about the absurdity that other people cannot persuade us to change our minds. Shortly after that post I listened to a podcast I follow with some regularity. It occurred to me that on nearly every episode I find myself contending with the podcast host and his viewpoints. That’s because he makes me think and often changes what I think regarding different issues.

The person I’m referring to is Adam Grant. He’s an organizational psychologist, Wharton professor, TED speaker who’s had millions of views, and a multiple time best-selling author. He says he studies “how to make work not suck.” That’s an admirable goal!

If you’re going to listen to someone, Grant has earned the right to be listened to. His podcast is Work Life Balance and I frequently find myself challenged as I listen to him and his guests.

The episode that sparked this post was Why it Pays to Raise Pay where he discussed the idea of paying people more…sometimes a lot more…for their work. The episode caught my attention because of all the talk about possibly raising the minimum wage.

In college I was a general business major, and part of that curriculum was several micro and macroeconomics classes. Because I’m somewhat of a nerd, at least according to my wife, you’ll find a copy of Thomas Sowell’s 600-page Basic Economics book on my bookshelf. I read it cover to cover many years ago because I was interested in brushing up on economics. 

Grant’s conversations and ideas challenge many common business assumptions regarding employee compensation. Here are a few that stood out for me:

  1.     Some jobs are only worth a certain amount of money, no matter how well someone performs.
  2.     If you let people choose their salary, they’ll overestimate their value, and you’ll end up overpaying them.
  3.     Raising salaries won’t work because you’ll be uncompetitive after raising the price of your goods or services to cover the wage increases. 

Based on nearly 40 years of business experience, my studies in economics, and the general assumptions I hold, I found myself resisting the ideas Grant was putting forth. I wondered why I was so resistant then asked myself a few questions to challenge my beliefs.

What if my assumptions are wrong? 

That could certainly be the case. Behavioral economics has proven many tightly held economic assumptions are not always true because humans are not the rational, gain maximizing, and loss minimizing beings economists once thought.

Many people assumed work from home would never become a viable option because employees would slack off when unsupervised. That’s not proven to be the case during the pandemic. In fact, many employers are finding people working longer and harder. As a result, many businesses will not go back to the traditional 5-days a week in the office model we were used to. 

My assumptions are quite often just that, assumptions. They might have benefitted me to this point but maybe they need to be rethought. After all, Isaac Newton’s law of gravity benefited society but then Einstein’s theory of relativity came along and furthered our understanding of how the universe works. 

Why am I resisting the data?

Grant wasn’t just spewing a utopian picture of what could be. He interviewed people at businesses that are going against the grain of the way things have always been done. Although I found myself doubting many of the ideas shared, Grant always brought in results from research or real-world business impact. 

What I teach regarding influence sometimes rubs people’s thinking the wrong way, much like my thinking was as I listened to the podcast. I often hear doubting Thomas types say, “That stuff doesn’t work on me.” The research tells a different story and so does my personal experience but with Grant I was the doubting Thomas.

If I’m open to the research findings around influence I should be more open to the research in other domains. 

Conclusion

This post is not intended to sway your thinking on the minimum wage or employee benefits. It’s to encourage you to occasionally examine your tightly held beliefs. 

Many things we take for granted today at work would have seemed preposterous to employers decades ago. Perhaps some changes being proposed now won’t work as well as intended but they may be steps that lead us to improved working conditions where people are better compensated, more engaged and more productive.  That would be a win for employees and employers. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

 

 

Has Anyone Ever Changed Your Mind?

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“I can’t think of a single case where anyone ever persuaded me to change my mind about anything.” I heard this recently on a very popular podcast. The show’s host, a very smart man with a background in economics, uttered that sentence, much to my bewilderment. 

His statement reminded me of an incident many years ago when someone told me he never tried to persuade anyone of anything. I’ll be frank, that was one of the dumbest statements I’ve encountered in a long time.

Let me be very clear; you try to persuade people every day and you are persuaded every day! No ifs, ands, or buts. 

Changing Minds isn’t Always Necessary

When I ask people for their definition of persuasion what I hear most often is to change another person’s thinking or to change their mind. 

I usually respond with, “Changing someone’s thinking may be a good first step but it may not be enough and it may not even be necessary.” For example, if you tell your child to clean their room, do you want them to look at you and say that’s a good idea? Do you care if they “believe” having a clean room is a good thing? Probably not. You only want them to clean their room, no matter what they think about it.

Another example comes from insurance, the industry where I used to work. If I told you about the dangers of distracted driving, I’m certain it would change your thinking about the issue. You would encounter information you didn’t know previously, you’d process that information, and it would change how you think about distracted driving. However, if you get in your car and continue to interact with your phone then I’ve not done anything to solve that problem. A change of thinking without the behavior isn’t much good in that case.

Then What is Persuasion About?

Changing someone’s conscious mind, or core beliefs, isn’t always necessary to influence them. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, then you’ve likely seen on a number of occasions my favorite definition for persuasion. It comes from Aristotle, the famous Greek philosopher who lived more than 2300 years ago. He told the world persuasion was, “The art of getting someone to do something that they wouldn’t ordinarily do if you didn’t ask.”

Think about that definition for a moment. It’s about getting someone to change their behavior in a way they probably would not in the absence of your communication. Let’s face it, the people you interact with have their own priorities, goals, agendas, and other things they’re focused on. And yet, quite often you need those people to do things for you. How you communicate can make all the difference between hearing yes, getting them to take action, or hearing no.

Can Persuasion Lead to Lasting Change?

When I want someone to bring me in to speak, return a phone call, buy a book, or any number of other persuasive interactions, I’m not necessarily concerned with changing their core beliefs. 

Sometimes persuasive attempts lead to lasting changes like that. For example, I was a competitive bodybuilder for several years after college. I loved the gym and hated running. But when my friend Jud persuaded several of us that we should run the Columbus Marathon I gave running a try. I fell in love with it! Now, given the choice between lifting weights and running, I choose running every time. Did Jud change my core beliefs by convincing me that running was better for me than lifting weights? No, but he persuaded me to try an activity that did ultimately change me to the core. Why do I write that? Because I see myself differently than I used to. 

Conclusion

Persuasion isn’t always about changing core beliefs. Most change in life is somewhat incremental. You do something new at the urging of another person then you start to view that new activity differently. And quite often, many other people and situations intervene along the way to further the change.

Maybe you cannot think of a time where someone said or did something that fundamentally changed you. However, you’d be foolish to think you’re unpersuadable. We’re all trying to persuade and being persuaded daily. 

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His new book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller in several categories. 

 Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 370,000 people around the world.

Grateful to be Back

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Last week was my first time on stage to give an in-person keynote in 15 months! To say that I was grateful to be back would be an understatement!! Despite how awful air travel can be sometimes, there was a weird sense of comfort navigating different airports. Sleeping at hotels is never as nice as at home but it felt wonderful to walk into a Ritz Carlton and enjoy all that goes with it. Putting on a suit and tie used to be a hassle but this time it felt great. 

We’re all experiencing moments like I just described as we emerge from the pandemic. It’s a good bet most of us are vowing to never take any of it for granted again…but we will. 

States of Being are Relative

Here’s the thing about gratitude, happiness, love, and most other states of being; they’re relative experiences.  

Next time I step on stage I’ll be grateful but probably not to the same degree as last week. The more I travel the more I will get bothered by airports and planes again. The next hotel may not be as ritzy as the Ritz. Wearing a suit after a while will become old hat.  

You experience this too. You probably don’t get the same excitement over things that you did initially like a first kiss, first taste of your favorite food or drink, new job, or any number of other firsts. 

It’s How We’re Wired

What I just described isn’t good or bad, it’s just the way we’re wired. We make comparisons in relative, not absolute measures. We see this all the time when we shop. For me the classic example comes from a survey I did with blog readers many years ago. Here’s the excerpt I wrote about in my book Influence PEOPLE:

Question 5 on Survey A focused on saving money: You are at a store considering buying a high-end electronic item for $879. While there you learn you can drive across town and get the same item for $859. Will you make the trip (approx. 30 minutes)? An overwhelming majority said they would not make the drive to save the money. In fact, only 13% said they would go to the other store.

On Survey B question 5 also focused on saving money: You are at a store considering buying an electronic item for $79. While there you learn you can drive across town and get the same item for $59. Will you make the trip (approx. 30 minutes)? This was almost an even split, with 49% saying they would make the drive.

Here’s the point: Look at both questions again and you see the savings is exactly the same, $20. Yet, half will make the drive to save $20 on a $79 purchase, but nearly nine in 10 would not when considering the same savings, but on a big-ticket item. Saving $20, whether on an expensive item or lower priced item, is still a $20 savings! Most people reading this would probably drive across town if they heard someone was giving away $20 bills for free (limit one per person), which is really the same as saving $20 on a purchase, no matter how large or small. But, as you can see, much of the response is dictated by what the $20 was compared to. 

Let’s face it, saving $20 on a big purchase doesn’t feel as good as saving it on a smaller purchase or getting a $20 bill for free. Shopping is one of many experiences we have daily that fall prey to this human condition. It’s an emotional reaction just as are gratitude, love, happiness and most other states of being. 

What’s the Cure?

Fighting this phenomenon is like fighting aging. There’s no cure to stop the aging process, but we can mitigate it some by instilling good habits around living a healthy lifestyle; emotionally, mentally, and physically.

We can’t change the reality that we won’t always be as grateful, loving, or happy because it’s how our brains naturally work. However, you can create habits that will slow the slide. Here are a few things I try to do with regularity.

Music. I have a playlist on my iPhone for Jane and one for Abigail. Each contains songs that remind me of them and elicit good feelings. Listening to those songs puts me in a better mood when I’m getting ready to spend time with them.

Mission Statement. I wrote a personal mission statement nearly 30 years ago. I listen to it each morning as I get my coffee. There are many parts, including a section on family, that serve as reminders to appreciate what I have in life.

Morning Walk. Each morning I walk a few miles shortly after I wake up, before I start my morning workout. The walk is a time to think, pray and give thanks.

These may not be for you but hopefully they stimulate some ideas on what you might do to proactively change your state. Whatever you choose to do, ingrain habits and view them as small investments that will pay big dividends. You’ll be grateful you did.

Brian Ahearn, CMCT®, is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE, LLC. An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, he’s one of only 20 people in the world personally trained by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE: Powerful Everyday Opportunities to Persuade that are Lasting and Ethical, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by BookAuthority. His second book, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was a new release bestseller in several Amazon categories.  

Brian’s LinkedIn Learning courses on the application of persuasion in sales and coaching have been viewed by more than 350,000 people around the world.