Earlier this year, I delivered a full-day training event for a client. The session went well—until the debrief. The CEO passed along a bit of feedback: a couple of attendees were put off by a response I gave during the Q&A.

The Scenario?

During the training, a participant asked how I’d respond if a young woman on my team brought a sensitive issue to my attention. I replied, “If you were my daughter, here’s what I’d tell you.”

To me, this was heartfelt and meant to convey deep care. But a few younger employees heard something different—something condescending or paternalistic. Their reaction caught me off guard. After all, my response came from a place of love, respect, and the principle of unity, one of Dr. Cialdini’s most powerful principles of influence.

What is Unity ?

Unity is about shared identity—seeing others as part of “us” rather than “them.” When we feel connected, we’re more likely to act in each other’s best interests because, in a very real sense, their success and happiness becomes part of our success and happiness.

When it comes to unity, Cialdini often points to Warren Buffett’s line to shareholders in a recent annual report: “I’m going to tell you what I would tell my family.” The implication? His advice wasn’t corporate speak—it was personal, sincere, and deeply considered.

That’s how I meant my comment. I have a close, meaningful relationship with my daughter. If I’m offering someone the same advice I’d give her, it means I care—deeply.

Senders and Receivers

But here’s where communication gets tricky.

There’s what I intended to say and there’s what I actually said. But wait, there’s more…
There’s what the other person thinks they heard and what they actually heard (the exact words).

Those things often don’t align. And that gap? That’s where misunderstanding lives.

We all filter messages through our own experiences. For someone who had a strained relationship with a parent, my comment might land differently than it did for someone who had a better upbringing. I can’t know everyone’s personal history. But I do know this: when we assume negative intent, we shut the door to connection.

Positive Intent

When we assume positive intent, we open the door to understanding.

Giving the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean we ignore how a message makes us feel or silence honest feedback. It means we seek clarification before forming judgment. It means we ask, “What did you mean by that?” rather than assuming the worst.

Would it have helped if someone had approached me during a break to ask why I framed my answer that way? I think so. I would’ve shared the story of a trusted mentor who once looked me in the eye and said, “If you were my son…” It was an important point in my career because I knew his advice came from a place of love.

What Did I Learn?

Still, I’ve learned something from this experience. I’ll adjust my approach—not my message—by framing it in the future. That’s pre-suasion in action: setting the stage before the message is delivered.

Next time, I’ll remind the audience about the principle of unity. Then I’ll reference Buffett’s words. I’ll also share the story of my mentor and my affection for my daughter. By doing so, I’ll help listeners better understand the intent behind my words.

What if someone still disagrees? That’s okay. Not every message will land with everyone—but trying to please everyone is a surefire way to water down what matters.

Advice for Audience Members and Communicators

If you’re ever in the audience and something doesn’t sit right, don’t just disengage—engage by asking questions. Start a conversation. Try to understand intent from the other person’s point of view. You might walk away with a new perspective—or help someone else gain one.

And if you’re the one speaking? Remember: context—especially when it comes from a place of shared humanity—can make all the difference.

Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. It might be the most influential thing we do.

Edited by ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Last week, I wrote about integrity and the importance of doing the right thing, regardless of who might be watching. This week, I want to flip the spotlight—literally—and talk about something called the spotlight effect.

If you’re not familiar with the term, here’s the short version: The spotlight effect is the tendency to think that people are paying more attention to us than they actually are—especially when we make mistakes.

You forget someone’s name. Say the wrong thing in a meeting. Send a follow-up email that gets ignored. It’s easy to assume others are dwelling on it. But here’s the truth: They’re not. Not even close. And the same is true for me.

My Wake-Up Call

A few years ago, after I left my corporate role at State Auto Insurance to pursue Influence PEOPLE full time, I hit a wall.

I was sending out emails. Leaving voicemails. Following up with people, many that I’d known and worked with—people who had moved on to new companies. I was confident in the value I could bring… but nobody was responding.

Not one person.

Three months passed, and I started to wonder, Did I mess this up? Did I overestimate my relationships? Was I not as good as I thought?

Then, in the span of 24 hours, a half-dozen people got back to me. And they all said roughly the same thing: “Brian, it’s not you. Here’s what’s been going on with me…”

That’s when it hit me: Despite strong relationships, I wasn’t their focus.
In fact, I wasn’t even on their radar most of the time.

And that realization—humbling as it was—helped me remember how I used to operate when I was in their shoes. Back then, I was juggling internal priorities, corporate goals, dozens of competing demands, all while leading a small team. Even if I liked a vendor or training partner, getting back to them wasn’t always high on the priority list.

Don’t Take It Personally—Take It Strategically

With that in mind, I made two key adjustments to how I approach client outreach today:

1. I stay in touch regularly.
   I follow up with prospective clients once a quarter—by email or phone. Not in a pushy way, but in a consistent way, always letting them know I’m here for them. Because when timing, need, and budget finally align, I want to be top of mind.
2. I stay visible on LinkedIn.
   Whenever I connect with someone new, I make sure we’re connected on LinkedIn. I post content daily, so even if they’re not responding to my emails, they’re still seeing me regularly—and hopefully finding value in what I share.

This approach works. I’ve had people reach out after months (even years) of silence to say, “We’ve got a project—and we thought of you.”

Influence Principle in Action: Consistency

This is a textbook example of Robert Cialdini’s principle of consistency adding to authority. When people see you show up regularly—with value, not just sales pitches—you become familiar. Trust grows and you build credibility over time. And when they’re finally ready to act, you’re the obvious choice.

It also speaks to liking. The more people become familiar with you—seeing your face, hearing your voice—and benefit from your content, the more they’re likely to feel connected to you and like you.

Final Thought: The Spotlight Will Shift

So, if you’re in sales, starting a business, or simply trying to build influence, remember this: Most people aren’t thinking about you. They’re dealing with their own challenges, deadlines, and distractions.

That’s not rejection. It’s reality.

Instead of taking silence personally, take it as a signal to stay consistent, stay visible, and stay helpful. Because one day, the spotlight might turn your way—and when it does, you’ll be ready.

Questions to Ponder

Have you ever assumed someone was ignoring you, only to find out they were just busy or overwhelmed? How did that shift your thinking? Please share your experience in the comments.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 800,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

“When the most important things in our life happen, we quite often don’t know what’s going on.”—C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

That quote hit me over the weekend. It’s amazing how a decision that feels ordinary in the moment can turn out to be extraordinary in hindsight.

Looking back, there are three moments that changed the course of my life—moments where Cialdini’s principle of Unityand the experience of love came together in ways I couldn’t have predicted.

A Career Decision That Changed Everything

In the spring of 1986, I was wrapping up college and preparing to move to Akron, Ohio, to start a job in the retail industry. Then I got a letter from Travelers Insurance.

To be honest, I didn’t have a great impression of the insurance industry. But the position was based in Columbus—my hometown—and I’d been dating a girl from there since high school. Out of respect for her and curiosity about the opportunity, I went to the interview.

I liked what I heard. I accepted the offer. That decision sparked a decades-long career in insurance… but the bigger impact came on day one. That’s when I met Jane, the woman who would become my wife. We celebrated our 37^thwedding anniversary this past March.

One decision. A whole new life direction.

The Email That Changed My Career

Fast forward to 2003. A coworker handed a videotape to my boss and me—yes, a literal VHS tape. It was Dr. Robert Cialdini giving a talk at Stanford on the Power of Persuasion.

As I watched, something clicked. This was the why behind so many sales strategies I’d seen succeed… or fail. Cialdini’s insights were grounded in research, not gut instinct or personal experience—and that mattered to me as someone who likes to understand what makes things work.

Even better, he made it clear: influence can be ethical. You can move people to action without manipulating them.

Sometime later, I received a marketing flyer from Stanford promoting Cialdini’s materials along with many other experts. But one word jumped off the page describing Cialdini’s talk: manipulation. That didn’t sit right because he was so clear about non-manipulative approaches to influence. I decided to email Stanford.

I wrote something along these lines:

“I don’t know anyone who wants to be manipulated—or is looking to become a good manipulator. That word’s not helping your sales. It’s probably hurting them.”

Shortly after, a representative from Dr. Cialdini’s office called to thank me. My note had led Stanford to change their marketing of his materials. Then she mentioned that Dr. Cialdini traveled the world speaking about influence.

I just happened to sit next to the woman in charge of planning our events and booking our speakers. I transferred the call. The following year, Dr. Cialdini was in Columbus speaking to our insurance agents!

That one moment led to a passion that redirected my career. Today, I teach people around the world how to ethically influence others through my company, Influence PEOPLE.

When Pain Leads To Change

The third moment came not from career success, but from personal pain.

Jane and I were in a difficult season in our marriage. I’d tried everything I knew to fix our the relationship, but nothing seemed to work. I finally hit a wall.

I prayed, “God, I don’t care what you do with Jane. Things have to be right between you and me.”

In that moment, I felt like God whispered, “Now I can start working with you.”

From there, things began to change—first in me, then in our marriage, and eventually all of my relationships. My relationship with God grew deeper, and the Bible stopped being just an interesting book. It became alive. The stories I’d read started to mirror the experiences I was living.

It’s now my personal belief that nothing matters more than our relationship with our Creator. That kind of love—the unconditional kind—transforms everything.

Love, Unity, and Unexpected Paths

Each of these moments—meeting Jane, discovering ethical influence, surrendering in faith—was rooted in connection. In unity. In love.

Not one of them seemed life-changing in the moment. But each reshaped my future in powerful ways.

Dr. Cialdini teaches that Unity—the shared identity we feel with others—is one of the most powerful principles of human behavior. And love, whether romantic, relational, or divine, is at the heart of unity. We act differently when we see others as part of us.

Your Turn

Think back over your life.

What’s a decision you made that didn’t feel big at the time—but time has helped you recognize, changed everything?

Where has love, unity, or even pain led to growth you never expected?

I’d love to hear your story. Drop a comment and let’s start a conversation.

P.S. Want to find out more about the influence faith connection? Keep an eye out for my next book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet, coming in October.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

Everything changed in March when our first grandchild, Emmett, arrived. It’s hard to describe the joy this little guy brings simply by existing. We’re blessed that Abigail and Tyler live only ten minutes away, allowing us to see Emmett multiple times a week and watch him grow.

As I see him discover the world, I think about what’s happening in his brain. He doesn’t understand words yet, but his mind is forming connections at an astonishing rate. One day, he will know what hands are, what stars are, and what a house is. It’s a beautiful reminder of how we’re wired to learn and adapt.

Naturally, my screensaver is a picture of Emmett. Every time I see it, I think, I love that little guy. But what does this have to do with influence?

Robert Cialdini’s principle of Unity teaches that we are more likely to say “yes” to those with whom we share a deep bond—a shared identity. Nowhere is that bond stronger than in families, where we share the same genetic makeup.

There are things we’ll do for family, even for relatives we don’t particularly like, that we would never consider doing for friends. You’d likely donate an organ to a family member before you’d consider doing so for even your closest friend. We’re wired this way to ensure our family lines continue, and it’s why unity creates such powerful influence.

I believe Unity is the principle of influence that most closely aligns with love. Not the romantic kind, but the biblical kind of love, defined as putting another’s well-being ahead of your own. Parents would rather suffer themselves than see their children suffer. It’s the highest form of sacrifice, and I believe it’s built into us by God.

With Emmett, this becomes clear in new ways. Babies are completely dependent on others for survival, yet they bring us joy without having to do anything. Their simple existence is enough.

While I don’t wish away a moment of these early days, I look forward to the day when Emmett can speak and begin to understand the world. I want to pass on to him the lessons I’ve learned about life, faith, and ethical influence—just as Jane and I did with Abigail when she was born.

Back then, our desire was to pour the best of ourselves into Abigail while helping her avoid the mistakes we made. I believe if we can do this with our children, the world becomes a better place, one person at a time.

Three decades later, we have the opportunity to do the same with Emmett. The challenges of 2025 are different from those in 1995, but human beings are still wired the same way. Despite technological advances, the human brain hasn’t changed in any significant way for more than 30,000 years. Emmett is working with the same hardware you and I have.

The opportunity to teach him how to influence people ethically, how to navigate life’s challenges, and how to walk with God excites me more than I can express.

None of us will live forever, but parts of us live on through our children and grandchildren. As we share what we’ve learned, they carry those lessons forward. In that sense, we all continue on—if we choose to instill in those we love the wisdom we’ve gained.

Much like influence, everyone understands this truth at some level, but few approach it thoughtfully and intentionally. I encourage you to think about those you love:

• Are you actively instilling in them the best parts of yourself?
• Are you sharing the lessons that will help them live happy, fruitful lives?

If not, there’s no better time to start than today. Unity and love aren’t just abstract concepts; they are the quiet, daily opportunities we have to leave a meaningful legacy—and influence the world for the better, one life at a time.

What’s one lesson you hope to pass on to those you love? Share it below—I’d love to hear it.

Do you want to see more of this kind of comparison? Take a look at this sneak preview from my upcoming book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!

If you’ve been following me recently, you know I’ve been head down writing my next book, Influenced from Above: Where Faith and Influence Meet. It’s due out this fall, and it’s a project that’s deeply personal because faith is the most important part of my life.

My goal with the book is to explore how timeless spiritual wisdom intersects with Robert Cialdini’s principles of ethical influence.

After reading an advance copy, Cialdini wrote, “With this book, Brian Ahearn provides a marriage of spiritual inspiration and psychological illumination that is matchless in my experience.”

Now, when you’re immersed in a project like this, you start to see examples everywhere. And recently, I ran across one in Scripture that grabbed my attention — not because it was a great example of influence done right, but because it showed what happens when influence goes wrong.

It’s the story of the twelve spies in the book of Numbers. Moses sends a representative from each tribe to scout out the Promised Land. When they return, all twelve agree on one thing: the land is rich and abundant. But that’s where the consensus ends.

Joshua and Caleb stood firm in faith, urging the people to trust God and move forward, but the other 10 spies focused on fear. “Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, ‘We should by all means go up and take possession of it, for we will surely overcome it.’ But the men who had gone up with him said, ‘We are not able to go up against the people, for they are too strong for us.’ So they gave out to the sons of Israel a bad report of the land which they had spied out, saying, ‘The land through which we have gone, in spying it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants; and all the people whom we saw in it are men of great size. There also we saw the Nephilim (the sons of Anak are part of the Nephilim); and we became like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight.’” (Numbers 13:30-33)

You probably know how this is going to end. The majority ruled. The people listen to the ten, not the two. Fear spread, faith faltered, and an entire generation missed out on the Promised Land.

That’s the power — and the danger — of social proof.

Social proof is one of the most powerful tools in the influence toolkit because, in a very real sense, we are pack animals, wired for connection. It’s why we read reviews before trying a restaurant or follow the crowd when unsure what to do. We assume that if everyone else is doing something, it’s probably the right thing.

But here’s the catch: social proof is neutral. It doesn’t care if the crowd is right or wrong — it just amplifies what the crowd is doing.

That’s what happened in the desert. The Israelites had every reason to trust God based on prior experience, but they let the fear of the majority drown out the truth they already knew. They followed the crowd, and it cost them everything.

So, what’s the lesson for us?

First, if you’re a leader — in business, ministry, or life — be cautious how you use social proof. One of the most common missteps I see is when people point to the wrong crowd to try and influence the right behavior.

Here’s what I mean: a teacher says, “Half the class cheated on the last test,” hoping to shame students into better behavior. But what do students hear? “Everyone’s doing it — I guess it’s normal.” And guess what? Cheating goes up.

If you’re trying to discourage a behavior, don’t highlight how common it is. Highlight the positive instead. Even if only a few people are doing the right thing, you can frame it as a growing trend. And that’s often enough.

People are more likely to follow a behavior if they think it’s catching on. “More and more students are turning in their own work,” is a stronger, smarter use of social proof than “Everyone’s been cheating.”

Second, remember this: the majority isn’t always right. There will be times, as leaders or people of faith, where you’re called to stand with the few — maybe even stand alone — against fear, noise, or bad advice. That’s when influence meets integrity.

Joshua and Caleb didn’t win the popular vote. But they stayed true to what they believed, and in the long run, they were the ones who entered the land flowing with milk and honey.

As you go into your week, I’d like to challenge you to think differently about influence. Not just how you use it — but how it’s being used on you. Who are the “ten spies” giving bad reports in your life? And who are the Joshua and Caleb voices you need to listen to more?

Influence is everywhere. It’s happening all the time. Let’s be more intentional about how we use it — and more discerning in how we respond to it.

Your Turn

• Have you ever seen social proof point people in the wrong direction?
• What are some creative or positive ways you’ve used it to drive good behavior?

Drop your thoughts in the comments — let’s learn from each other.

Edited with ChatGPT

Brian Ahearn

Brian Ahearn is the Chief Influence Officer at Influence PEOPLE and a faculty member at the Cialdini Institute.

An author, TEDx speaker, international trainer, coach, and consultant, Brian helps clients apply influence in everyday situations to boost results.

As one of only a dozen Cialdini Method Certified Trainers in the world, Brian was personally trained and endorsed by Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the most cited living social psychologist on the science of ethical influence.

Brian’s first book, Influence PEOPLE, was named one of the 100 Best Influence Books of All Time by Book Authority. His follow-up, Persuasive Selling for Relationship Driven Insurance Agents, was an Amazon new release bestseller. His latest book, The Influencer: Secrets to Success and Happiness, is a business parable designed to teach you how to use influence at home and the office.

Brian’s LinkedIn courses on persuasive selling and coaching have been viewed by more than 750,000 people around the world. His TEDx Talk on pre-suasion has more than a million views!